Counselling Made To Measure

Mother's Day is complicated because womanhood is complicated. To all the women who hurt on Mother's day: I see you. I see how much you are pained in scrolling through your feed and seeing the happy pictures of seemingly perfect mothers being showered with gifts and love and praise. I see your discomfort. I see your pain. I see your loneliness. I see your sorrow.⁣
⁣
As we go into this complicated holiday weekend, may we not forget....⁣
⁣
The women who wish to be mothers but are not.⁣
⁣
The women who have lost their mothers.⁣
⁣
The women who allowed someone else to be a mother.⁣
⁣
The women who have lost a child.⁣
⁣
The women who feel they have failed as a mother.⁣
⁣
The women who are not appreciated as mothers.⁣
⁣
The women who are estranged from their mothers.⁣
The women who are estranged from their children
⁣
The women who are alone, especially this Mother's day.⁣
⁣
And the seemingly countless other reasons that women may feel pain and grief on Mother's day.⁣
⁣
These are the women I always think of on Mother's day. Maybe you are one of them. I do not have any words to make Mother's day better for you. I just want you to know that it is okay and you are not forgotten. It is not the airs of perfection I admire or celebrate on Mother's day; It is the women who have been down and dirty in the trenches and come out filthy, tattered, and scarred.
I celebrate you.
Unknown Author

Send a message to learn more

Many individuals share with me their questioning of the integrity of the systems in which they participate. I share their query. Whether that be family, workplace, social group etc, and even the micro arrangements within those structures.
I am called to reflect on the quote often attributed to philosopher and spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti, although there is no definitive evidence that he made this specific statement-
"It is not a sign of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society,".
The statement challenges the notion that conformity and compliance with societal norms and expectations are always indicators of mental well-being.
The quote suggests that when individuals conform unquestioningly to a society that is perceived as "sick" or morally corrupt, it can be seen as a reflection of their own lack of critical thinking or awareness. It implies that true health and well-being may require an ability to question, challenge, and potentially deviate from societal norms when they conflict with one's own values, ethics, or a higher sense of truth.
Krishnamurti's perspective encourages us to cultivate independent thinking, self-awareness, and solid moral courage. Many share that this has meant standing apart from the mainstream or popular opinions. His quote invites the importance of maintaining one's integrity and aligning with a deeper sense of truth and personal values, rather than blindly conforming to external pressures.
Only days before my birth Krishnamurti gave a public talk in Madras, and I consider this supports his teachings and emphasises the importance of critical thinking, self-inquiry, and questioning.

“You must be alone. It is only the mind that is free from all influence, from all tradition, from the various masks it has imposed upon itself through life, and has put away all those, that is alone. And you must be alone, completely naked, stripped of all ideas, of all ideals, beliefs, gods, and commitments; then you can take the journey into the unknown.”
With the sentence opening his talk I feel compelled to also note that while Krishnamurti emphasised the significance of self-awareness and the value of self-inquiry, he also emphasised the importance of relationships and connection with others. Krishnamurti believed that true understanding of oneself and the world comes through self-inquiry, which requires solitude and introspection. However, he also emphasised the need to engage with others in a compassionate and open manner. He spoke about the importance of healthy relationships, communication, and collaboration, viewing them as opportunities for growth, learning, and understanding.

He encouraged individuals to be aware of their dependence on relationships, to explore the nature of attachment, and to cultivate a sense of inward freedom and autonomy. While he emphasised the importance of being comfortable with solitude and not relying solely on external relationships for the fulfilment, he did not advocate for complete isolation or a life devoid of meaningful connections with others.

How is this all playing out for you?

As I welcome the first day of winter here in the southern hemisphere I reflect on my internal and external world and all that this season brings for me, and for the collective.

The first day of winter, even in sunny Queensland is one of renewal and rebirth, a time of transformation and inner work, the call for resilience and endurance. Stillness and Reflection through the Spiritual Darkness leads one to Illumination and the importance of surrendering. I reflect on the closure of Autumn as akin to standing in the rough surf navigating each wave only to rise for the next stronger and renewed. There have been numerous losses and celebrations, coexisting in the dichotomy of life over the past season.
Rebirth and Renewal
The colder winter with shorter daylight hours can enable a period of rest, stillness, and introspection. This introspection symbolises a dormant phase before new life emerges in the coming spring. An opportunity to shed old patterns or beliefs to make way for new beginnings.
Inner Work and Transformation
The cold and dark days of winter can serve as a metaphor for personal transformation and inner work. It is a time to delve into the depths of one's being and cultivate self-awareness and personal growth. I consider, confront and release the losses witnessed and sensed.
Resilience and Endurance
Synonymous with winter’s symbolism of resilience and the ability to endure challenging times I journey through loss taking cues from my higher self and knowing, together with the examples of others. Just as nature withstands the harshness of winter, I draw strength from this season's symbolism to navigate through difficult periods in life and pledge to emerge stronger on the other side.
Stillness and Reflection
I welcome the opportunity for deeper reflection, self-discovery, and connecting with my inner wisdom. I seek to slow down, embrace solitude, and gain insights that can continue to guide my personal and spiritual development.
Spiritual Darkness and Illumination
I lament “why?” on many fronts and as I hold space in this spiritual darkness and the unknown aspects of our existence, I explore and seek illumination, finding the light within myself, in nature, in humanity and discover deeper truths.
Surrender
In past times I thought that surrendering was to give up. Winter can symbolise the act of letting go and surrendering to the natural cycles of life. I take the lesson to release what no longer serves me, to embrace the impermanence of things, and to trust in the process of life's unfolding. I surrender to God’s divine plan and my role in this.

Mother's Day is a celebration of motherhood and the important role that mothers play in our lives. As I honour my mother, my own motherhood and all women, I reflect on another aspect of motherhood- the concept of the divine feminine- a spiritual and cultural concept that represents the nurturing, creative, and compassionate aspects of the universe. It is often associated with the qualities that are traditionally attributed to women, such as intuition, empathy, and emotional intelligence.

As women, we hold great capacity to connect with the Divine Mother and uplift those around us. Being a creator, we share the power of the Divine. The fastest way for a woman to experience her authentic power and beauty is through her relationship with Mother Divine. For a man, honouring his connection with the divine feminine through the women in his life, and having a relationship with Mother Divine, is the quickest way for him to progress spiritually.
Many cultures have recognised and revered the sacred divine feminine energy (Shakti). They knew that the secret to transformation only happened with Shakti, the subtle vibratory energy that animates all life. Shakti is Divine Mother’s energy. When you can access this energy, you connect to the source of the miraculous, in yourself and in the world. Anything is possible with Shakti, the energy of the Divine Mother, and all women naturally carry this energy.

A message on the power of speaking out.

Emotional backstory behind ‘brave’ act leaves AGT judges in tears ‘I have never heard an audience so quiet, even before you got into the very sort of personal details of the story.’

Are you impacted by the current events occurring within your community and around the planet?
These events can affect any person in the community who is concerned about the infection, with more specific concerns arising for people being tested, people in self-isolation or quarantine and people who have received a diagnosis.
Potential mental health impacts are:
 increased anxiety for self and others
 loneliness and disconnection and/or socially isolated
 psychological distress
 perceived stigmatisation
 experiencing disruption to work, study or care-giving responsibilities
 impact on normal daily routine and functioning.
Do you want to book an appointment? Follow the online booking prompts.
There are a number of practical activities to assist you:
1. Maintain a daily routine as much as possible, including your normal sleep routine.
2. Stay connected with family and friends through technology e.g. Skype, Facetime and other technology. Who are you going to contact today?
3. Look after your physical health through regular healthy meals.
4. Do not over-indulge in alcohol or comfort foods.
5. Beware of negative effects of overexposure to news sources. Keeping informed can be helpful, but repeated bulletins may overwhelm.
6. Be mindful of the sources of your information. Research widely.
7. Be aware that your mood may change and experience periods of sadness, anxiety, frustration and fear. Should these symptoms become severe or persistent then seek help by booking an appointment now. Alternatively services like Lifeline are always available.
8. As much as possible, continue doing activities that you enjoy.
9. Exercise, meditate and communicate.

Counselling Made To Measure now takes appointments on their Page.

Laurie Ladd Invites us to reflect on our internal and external collective shadow.

Seeing The Collective Shadow Is How We Evolve Join Our ONLINE COMMUNITY on Patreon. LINK BELOW ➡ https://www.patreon.com/lorieladdIntroduction to Channeling | 4 Hour Webinar | $39 ➡ https://sowl.co/yiK4J...

Exploring our past selves does not mean perpetuating a victim stance.

When we acknowledge the pain of our past selves we acknowledge our vulnerability and humanity. When we connect with those feelings we enable possible change.

Learn to love and appreciate your past self. 🙏💗

Accepting and loving our changing reflection in the mirror is a freeing action for positive mental well-being.

I share this powerful message from a recovering perfectionist...
I also invite us all to go a little deeper than what we see on the surface.
A good example of this is social media. The seemingly beautiful/handsome, successful, connected and happy person may not be their reality.
I see you... I hear you.. I love you and I am here for you. 🙏

When I see the perfect people,
perfect is no longer what I see...
I see pressure,
I see stress,
I see strict regimes and unforgiving schedules.
I see fear of failure.
I see hunger.
I see missed fun, empty plates and lives too full with punishing conformity.
Most of all I see a very sad inner child who never imagined a life of living up to everyone else’s expectations.

When I see perfect people now, I mostly hope that one day they will get to enjoy the freedom that a life without containment can bring. The joy of removing those shackles and letting go of what other people may think of us.

These days, I find my perfect in the real, the flawed, the fearless and the raw.
For the people who can freely share that part of themselves with others, have found something we all chase.

Peace.

Donna Ashworth
Author (https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08LRGWY74/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabt1_OYLVFbX4YR91V)

ART BY JULIA WATKINS

Belonging is believed to be in our biology . From birth we strive to connect with our primary caregivers- it's critical to our survival. We never actually switch off thoughts about others and our relationships to them. I wonder about the way that we tell people that they do not belong – a very real example continues to produce its impact today in this country. Early settlers telling the people of this land for over 60,000 years that they do not belong….. There are a number of definitions and examples of belonging that were inspired by the SBS Insight program exploring the search for belonging, yet Brené Brown's take on belonging Resonates with me - "True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness." Her new book is my recommendation https://buff.ly/39B5pa1

Belonging What does it mean to belong? This episode of Insight explores the search for belonging, the impacts on people when they feel they don’t fit in, and what... | SBS News

Shame and guilt
How are they different?
What are the similarities?
Is guilt and shame gendered?
Can they be considered good emotions?
Survivor guilt
Social shame – how we look – size, skin colour, etc
Rain guilt
Money guilt
Familial Shame
Keeping up with others guilt
Food guilt
Parental guilt
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-12-11/expert-tips-for-parents-on-dealing-with-parental-guilt/11582810


There is a recognised overlap as both can stem from a perceived wrong action.
Shame and Guilt are universal emotions and if we can become aware of these primary emotions as a part of being human, we can better assist our clients to accept and work through these emotions that have the potential to fuel anxiety and despair. People may feel guilt over things they actually did wrong, things they believe were their fault, or things they had no responsibility for. ... This usually causes feelings of guilt to decrease. But shame, which describes a regret or sense of responsibility that relates to the self, can be more difficult to address.

Shame and guilt are emotions that bring up fears of rejection and judgement, anger at other's cruelties, and feelings of powerlessness.
How do we work with shame and guilt within Counselling with our clients?
Good reflective practice as counsellors means looking at both our professional practice and making sense of our own lives, including the integration of our emotional life. Awareness of our emotions as an integral part of being a human being we better assist our clients to accept these often-unpleasant emotions that can fuel anxiety and despair. We can invite these feelings to ride in and out of our lives, at least in the therapeutic space, to unpack these fundamental human expressions openly, with curiosity and, if possible, with humour.
How could we do this? I invite you to draw a timeline of your own experiences of shame and guilt. Working through counselling to understand guilt and shame involves working with the person through acceptance and forgiveness.
5 Tips in the Counselling space:
1. Is this guilt appropriate and, if so, what is its purpose?
2. Use the narrative approach to capture what happened, how one felt about self and others, pre, during and after.
3. What were your needs, were they met, if not why?
4. Looking back how were mistakes and feelings approached in the home you grew up in. Were you punished, judged, made to feel ashamed? Did you get the opportunity to repair/make amends?
5. When all is said and done – write yourself an acknowledging letter.

Brené Brown, shame researcher, speaks of shame as an unspoken of epidemic. The secret behind many behaviours, behaviours of anger, substance abuse, etc. Keeping up unattainable standards. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0&t=162s
Listening to shame | Brené Brown

Some approaches in overcoming shame and guilt:
• Faith in overcoming addiction v shame in addiction:
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-05-13/drugs-alcohol-addiction-forbidden-muslim-community-rehab/12225578
Substance abuse can be perceived as the management of shame.

Embarrassment, guilt, or remorse are difficult emotions and most of us avoid them at all costs. These excruciating shameful feelings are often masked by addiction, self-loathing or narcissism, but shame can also help uphold societal values, and even help build our self-esteem.

Examples of shame
• Gendered perspective
https://www.abc.net.au/triplej/programs/hack/i-was-indecently-assaulted-by-a-man-at-myer-as-an-alpha-male-ive/11649820
Victims often unfairly put a significant share of the blame on themselves.
This male experienced feelings of shame, regret, anger and guilt began as he battled the unsubstantiated thought of having a role in the incident. An obsession with male bravado has caused many men, to hide in shame at even the slightest thought of fragility. Contemporary culture has a stereotype that men should always want s*x and should be strong and able to defend themselves physically. As such many people do not believe men when they share their stories and will minimise or make fun of such assaults

• Familial Shame
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-10-29/australian-migrants-managing-career-switches-and-familial-shame/11594532
From banking to bus driving — how migrants manage familial 'shame' over a career switch.

What does shame or guilt look like? How do we recognise this in others? How do we recognise this in ourselves.
The classic symptoms are gaze aversion. We tend to drop our heads and look away.

Childhood development- parents who are particularly shaming in their child rearing techniques where they humiliate their children, they correct them too harshly, this instils feelings of defect and unworthiness, and then in later life you become very self-protective. A harshly corrected child can become the adult that attempts to avoid encounters with shame with other people or become perfectionistic to try to avoid any experience of correction that could be shaming. Our parents' child rearing practices, the way they use shame to socialise us will have a lasting effect on us.

What does shame feel like? A brief confusion of thought. There is a desire to escape, and it is usually accompanied by a feeling of heat, blushing in the face, neck or chest. These expressions of shame could be really mild and fleeting, just a second and they subside, or they could just go on and on in a way that feels like tournament.

We can be socialised to shame and judge others.
Shame and guilt can provide lessons and insight for us and the way we interact with others. We can tune into these emotions to bring about change.
A healthy response of one who is able to manage shame without it destroying their sense of self-worth, is humour. Australian author Joseph Burgo, in his book Shame notes that narcissists have zero sense of humour about themselves, citing this a characteristic feature. I share his belief in that as a defining sign of healthy self-esteem is the ability to laugh at oneself, to acknowledge one’s imperfections and still consider self an ok person. There are some great comedians who demonstrate this, and I share two of my favourites:
1. Hannah Gadsby in her Nannette. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/24/arts/hannah-gadsby-comedy-nanette.html
2. Celeste Barber in her celebrity impersonations. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuW74ZpUyjo
Further resource: https://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/allinthemind/shame:-the-ups-and-downs/10739510

Thought for the day...

What does it meant to “hold space”? Simply stated, holding space is the art of being present -we hold ourselves in that space of authentic expression, in absolute presence we vibrate in a certain way that attracts the same authenticity from other people, it is letting go of ego and expectation.

Once upon a time I was a counsellor in a prison. When I reflect in retrospect on ways in which I held space with those who sought my counsel, I come up with a conflicting practice to one of the core cornerstones of holding space – Releasing attachment to outcome.

As a counsellor in such a setting it was a requirement to be an instrument of behaviour change. So you can see my conflict.
I realised this around 2003 when I attended a book launch by author Gregory Roberts in his book Shantaram. Roberts, a former he**in addict, bank robber, prison escapee who made his way to India where he spent 10 years in Mumbai slums finally finding self and peace and returning to Pentridge Jail to finish his time and write his book. I lined up to have my purchased book signed by Roberts at the end of the launch. I shared with him that I work within the solitary confinement area of a maximum male prison. With this Roberts jumped up and over (not around) the desk and hugged me thanking me for all that I stand for within the prison setting. He shared with me that it was when he finally understood himself within the slums of Mumbai that it was like every counsellor, psychologist and social worker that worked with him was suddenly lined up and their messages of hope held for him - were now realised as possibilities for him. He shared with me that I will not see the outcome of the seeds I plant as a counsellor, that some will get it. It was then that I realised the importance of releasing attachment to outcome.

Fast forward to the 21st Century and a study in the recovery framework with Helen Glover I learnt new ways of holding space.

I am assured by Heather Plett, one I consider a leader in Holding Space, that holding space is different every time you look at it.

Today I share the invitation to people to sit with Death as an example of holding space. People will ponder their own death, the death of a loved one, the death of a pet or a relationship.

I leave you with the question for self - How am I holding space for myself and others?

I also leave you with Five tips for holding space:

1. Release attachment to outcome
Clinging to a desired outcome or a belief that there will be a positive outcome of some sort, is to bring in our own ego, our own desires, and our own expectations. When we hold space, we open ourselves up to the possibility that what comes (if anything DOES come) is outside of our control and may not be aligned with what we want. When we let go of outcome, we will be less inclined to label something as “failure” or “success” and simply accept it as what is. There may be times when we are working toward a specific outcome with our clients, in these times we are not really holding space.

2. Maintain curiosity

When judgement creeps in, it is difficult to hold space for someone (or ourselves ) because we are inclined to want to change them, criticise them, or impose our own expectations on them. Judgement and curiosity do not coexist well – a little like oils and water. To shift from judgement, we bring in curiosity and listen with openness for the answers. When our clients recognise that there is curiosity and openness in our questions rather than judgement, the resonate with us and trust that we have their best interests at heart.

3. Be aware of our triggers and calm our nervous system first.

We cannot hold space when we are reacting to our triggers. When we are triggered our nervous system is flooded. What are your go-to activities that calm? A few deep breaths, grounding, tapping, etc can re-engage the internal systems that help us respond more calmly.

4. Have unconditional positive regard

Unconditional positive regard is the practice explained by Carl Rodgers in client centred therapy in which a person holds another with absolute regard. This is the foundation of all healing in therapeutic relationships . This practice rests on the knowledge that no matter what the person has done or who the person is, the listener holds them with deep respect, compassion, and positive regard.

5. Sit with what is.

Sitting with what is means simply being with the person for whom you are holding space. This is arguably the most difficult of the essential elements for us in Western culture. Sitting with what is means simply being with the person for whom you are holding space. Do not try to change anything and resist the urge to do anything. Create a safe space for your client to express and feel their feelings. Sit with them in the hard stuff. A hard task, yet achievable when many of the roles and expectations within these roles are attached to outcomes.



Some further links:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwtm3aYIycw (Links to an external site.)
Gregory Roberts

TEDxUbud - Rodolfo Young - The Art of Holding Space (Links to an external site.)



Heather Plett https://heatherplett.com/blog/

Counselling Made To Measure updated their business hours.