From 2 to 3

Who we are and how we walk in the world is influed by our family of origin and our lived life experience. When it comes to relationships our values, beliefs, expectaations, dreams and hopes may be different from our partner. It is not about right and wrong, but about taking a curious position to try and understand your partner’s perspective. This helps creates depth and intimacy in the relationship.

The only person that walks with us everyday, every minute and second is ourselves, so we are our own best friend!!
When you think of your best friend, what are their strengths, qualities, values beliefs that you admire in them as ultimatey you want to admire and look up to these aspects within yourself.

Many couples have misunderstandings and conflict in their relationship often due to the mismatdch in their love languages. There are 5 love languages - Words of ffirmation; Quality time; Physical touch; Acts of service; Receiving gifts. It is important to work out what your own love language is and your partner’s love language, so yu may both feel loved. Let’s explore this further.

“I want to miss you!” is a statement I hear in my rooms and the message underneath the statement is we need to have our own space or separateness and not do everything together. Having your own interests and hobbies, time out with your friends is healthy for both the individual to fill up their emotional cup and have a sense of fulfillment which then comes into the relationship in a positive way as you have more to talk about and you are also looking forward to seeing your loved one.

I often see clients whereby the man is not sure of his role in the family when a new baby enters the family system and there are mixed feelings of rejection for him and resentment for her. Here I explain how we can meet the needs of both the new Mum and Dad and sustain a loving relationship during these challenging times.

Sticking to the point on the issue of concern is the most effective way to have a constructive conversation and resolve conflict. When we chime in other issues to back up our defence, it deflects then from the main issue of concern and usually the conversation goes pair shaped and becomes destructive and leaves the main issue unresolved.

Our past shapes and forms who we are and how we walk in the world. Many times we are walking around as what we think is our adult, however it is our child part that is out the front and leading the way, making decisions for us. This is often when we see over reactivity when needs, dreams, values, hopes, beliefs and expectations are not being met. The work is to then strengthen your adult part, to be your child parts advocate and have adult conversations to in turn build stronger authentic relationships with both yourself and with your partner.

Most people I see find that they don’t feel heard, understood or validated in relationship with their partner and the reality is both people are not hearing each other and instead pushing their own opinion, ideas and agenda. John Gottman calls this being in ‘Gridlock’. It is only by taking a position of curiosity and trying to understand your partner’s experience that you truly get to know each other at a deeper level and create depth in the relationship.

Structure in a relationship is often seen as restricting or limiting possibilities, however I have seen the opposite in relationships whereby both people’s needs feel considered and there is a mutual respect. Time is given for both the individual needs and for couple time, hence couples feel happier within self and within the relationship

Structure is often seen as restricting or limiting possibilites, however I have seen the opposite in relationships whereby both people feel considered, there is mutual respect and needs are met!!! Overall couples feel happier within self and within the relationship.

S*x is the ultimate act of vulnerability and is about just ‘being’ together and surrendering into each other. It’s about closeness, kissing, hugging, touching, setting boundaries and if the mood takes you to having in*******se and an or**sm then so be it. It shouldn’t be the ultimate goal!! Many people stop having s*x as they feel they have to ‘go all the way’ and they just don’t have the energy to give at that particular time. Let me explain other ways that are just as intimate to create closeness.

I can’t stress how important it is to have time out for self where we fill up our emotional cup with hobbies, friends and anything that makes us feel good as we then come back into the relationship feeling fulfilled and content and ready to invest into relationship. The same applies to putting time aside for couple time to go and have some fun and good times together. Then there is time needed to have fun as a family. All of this is not task focused, but more about being emotionally connected to each other.

Healthy conflict is necesssary for increased intimacy and getting to know your partner better, hence bringing depth to your relationship. It’s having the tools to be able to talk through your differences with respect, kindness and honesty and removing what John Gottman refers to as The 4 Horseman - Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.