Full Circle Parenting

My thoughts on the Barbie movie. I think it’s so important, especially for teenagers, and here’s why.

The point of the movie is that society sends confusing messages that are gender-based. Part of the essential developmental process of a human being is to look and listen beyond the family to cultural messages so that we can learn how to be a part of our own culture. Teenagers must go through this, and they become especially vulnerable to those messages during the teen years, even if they haven’t ever heard messages like that at home. We humans must define ourselves and explore identity to become fully human, and we do this in the context of our culture. These are natural, essential, human developmental processes. As adults, we can be stuck, not having completed these processes, or we may have grown through them in a healthy way, but either way, these processes are required for us to grow up.

Young people are growing up in a soup of contradictory messages and expectations so beautifully laid out in the Barbie movie. All of us have to navigate that soup throughout our lives. Some of us are better prepared than others to navigate the soup and not drown.

Clearly articulating the messages matters. It helps people navigating the soup to understand what’s happening to them and to move towards a place where they can be at choice, not just responding on autopilot out of self-defense and overwhelm.

The metaphor of the monologue waking up and empowering the Barbies to see their situation is exactly what happens when internalized messages are articulated - it can kick off a powerful psychological healing process and empower people to choose to behave and engage differently. Teenagers of all genders need this. This movie tells girls - and boys - what messages they are receiving from the culture so that they can choose to act differently than those messages tell them to.

It is about stepping into your own power and being able to live from your own values rather than unconsciously either following or rebelling against unarticulated subtle or not-so-subtle societal messages.

This movie is a masterpiece that enthusiastically questions the messages and is a must-see for teenagers and adults of all genders.

What are your thoughts?

A friend was recently wondering about what to do on the playground when another child was mimicking his child. How to interact with other people’s kids is a common conundrum for parents, and how we handle these types of situations is how we build the village that raises all of our children effectively. Here are my thoughts on what to do…

First, I would NOT assume the child is “a bully”. Younger children may not even realize they’re doing something wrong or hurtful, and older children are exhibiting a learned behaviour that may be easily redirected. So, look for the child’s positive motive and try to help them get what they’re wanting by engaging them. Hint: their motive is probably to engage with your child or with you.

I’d first interrupt the behaviour by making eye contact and smiling and cheerfully saying something like, “You said that just like she did!” Then I’d immediately distract the child towards a positive behaviour and positive interaction. “Would you like a turn to slide?”

If that doesn’t work and the child continues (unlikely), I’d get down on their level, look in their eyes and say, “I’ve heard enough of that. If you’d like to continue repeating, please go far enough away that we don’t hear it. If you’d like to play with us, you can ask, “Can I play with you?””

Most children will correct their behaviour immediately if you tell them what they can do instead by using “You can…”

Instead of hitting, “You can say, ‘I didn’t like that. Please talk to me nicely.’” Instead of pushing, “You can say, ‘Please give me space.’” Etc. It’s all about finding their positive motive and helping them get it through positive behaviour, rather than jumping to the conclusion that they’re a “bad kid” and that the best solution is to chastise them.

I recently read a parent’s note that they weren’t sure Montessori was worth it anymore now that there is free preschool in California.

The benefits of Montessori are SO worth it! A good Montessori classroom delivers a whole range of learning that doesn’t happen in typical preschool. The focus on independence means that children develop a much, much higher level of executive function skills, which are the main skills that result in success and happiness as an adult. They include the ability to concentrate, which is actually a learned skill intentionally practiced in a Montessori classroom - and we all know that the ability to concentrate is especially needed these days! Additionally, the advanced academics in a Montessori classroom mean that children are less likely to experience issues learning to read, write, and do math.

Different schools follow the method more or less closely, but the benefits of good Montessori are very clear.

Anyone else have an opinion on whether it’s worth it?

There is a myth that if parents just speak respectfully to their children, this is enough to result in children that are respectful in return. This isn’t the case. Children also need clear expectations and firm boundaries.

If you set clear expectations and enforce firm boundaries AND speak respectfully, this combination will teach your children to be respectful in return.

Do you agree?

Facebook peeps, this is the official announcement that I am back after many years of taking information in. I’m ready to again connect and share my thoughts and hear yours. I’ve missed my Facebook community, and I’m excited to reconnect!

I’m open to parenting coaching clients, school consulting clients, or to work as a head of school or director of admissions at a Montessori school. Please feel free to DM me to connect personally.

How to teach grit:

First, give your child highly motivating activities at exactly their level (not too difficult), then explicitly teach the steps of how to complete the activity, then let them practice independently. When issues arise, show them exactly how to deal with them so they know for next time. Example: food preparation in a Montessori classroom, like egg-slicing or mandarin-peeling.

Next, set the example and tell your child the stories of what you’ve done to be gritty.

Third, teach a saying that symbolizes grit in your family. Example: “When something is hard, you may have to try a lot of times!” Repeat often when appropriate.

Most of all, your child has to feel success after doing something difficult. Once they have done that, keep telling that story to inspire them to do it again. “I remember the time Kavya couldn’t find the egg slicer, so she looked in the drawer and it wasn’t there, then she looked in the cupboard and it wasn’t there, then she looked in the other drawer and it wasn’t there, then she looked in the sink and it wasn’t there. She didn’t give up and she didn’t give up and she didn’t give up!!! Finally, she looked in dishwasher and there it was!”

This is how you teach grit.