Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

Whenever I set an appointment, I always set aside a three-hour amount of time.

I bill for actual time used to the next nearest 15-minute interval.

Colleagues worry about having unbillable time left over they cannot use.

I worry about how to best serve people who see me.

Never has anyone said they have too much time with their therapist. Frequently they feel like they had to rush through their meeting, creating stress.

Listening to the folks we serve informs better practice. If you want to know how to improve your practice, ask those who meet with you.

Sometimes it is difficult to not engage.

Someone tells you something contrary to your beliefs. You know if you provide your perspective it will cause the other to argue back stronger. As they saying goes, they "double down."

You don't have to engage or disengage. You can remain neutral.

To remain neutral, all you need to is acknowledge having heard what was said, with as little fanfare as possible.

"Oh," they replied somewhat quietly and without emotion. It signaled having heard, without offering a view on the matter.

"Oh."

With that, the matter didn't take hold. It just fell flat. Conflict didn't transpire. There was no engagement. "Oh."

So simple, so elegant.

Will it always work? No. Of course not.

Might it work sometimes? Yes.

To work best it requires the person to be calm and neutral in their delivery and certainly not disrespectful.

"Oh."

Remember, your power comes from you managing yourself. You don't have to argue. You can let it fall flat.

Good or bad, right or wrong, drugs are now necessary for some people's survival and little will get in the way of acquiring them.

Criminalizing addicts or making their supply more difficult to acquire or limiting safe spaces does nothing to address their needs or to keep others from falling to these issues.

As we use compassion and offer support and services, housing and care, then we address these weighty issues.

As we invest more in education, healthcare, housing and a living wage, then we can reduce the likelihood of addictions in the first place.

Sure, it will still continue, but for less persons. And those who succumb will be healthier and less a threat to communities.

That isn't just better for them.

If one needs a "me first" perspective, it's better and cheaper in the long run for all of society.

Being compassionate and humane is good policy.

Interesting how we have to fight and argue about just being a decent human being.

Be the kind of parent and spouse you would want your child to marry.

She called it the alcohol agreement.

The father was to video himself taking a breathalyzer test 30 minutes before picking up their child and send to the other parent.

Then, throughout the time with the child that parent had to provide another breathalyzer video ever several hours. No videos, no visit.

The agreement was achieved through mediation.

To say I was impressed would be an understatement.

Telling the child things will be better when older typically doesn't help. Indeed, it may make matters worse.

Kids live in the here and now. Also, being kids, they don't have the years of experience from which to draw in order to truly think about the future.

Empathy. Empathy. Empathy.

"Oh sweetheart, it sounds like this just sucks. I'm sorry you feel stuck with this. I know it can feel like forever too. Can I give you a hug?"

Feeling heard matters. Sometimes it's not that we resolve things that make us feel better.

It's being validated. Heard.

This post discusses severe parental alienation, when one parent seeks to poison the children's relationship to the other parent by causing the children to believe horrible yet unfounded allegations about that parent.

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I get it.

When a parent is manipulating their child to hate the other parent, it's a nightmare.

No matter what you do, it's twisted to use against you. It leaves the parent forever guessing themselves.

Commonly, parents try to appease the ex, capitulate and hope to curry favor in so doing.

Rarely (if ever) does that strategy work.

More to the point, it tends to embolden the nasty parent to demand more.

Their thinking is that you are weak and thus they can extract other concessions.

They continue. They escalate. Things get worse.

As for the child manipulated as an emissary of this nasty parent, the reasonable one fears setting limits boundaries and expectations, believing it will drive their child further away.

However, so too the child feeling emboldened, also escalates their horrible behavior.

This are the worst of post separation parenting battles.

By analogy, they are the stage four of cancers. As awful as that may sound, it typically reflects the truth.

Parents who seek to destroy the other parent/child relationship are bullies and they frequently turn their children into bullies of the reasonable parent.

Appeasement doesn't work with bullies.

If one allows themselves to be walked on, in these situations, they continue to be walked on.

These cases often require court as well as multiple other services. It costs too much for many to afford.

If there is a lesson to be learned though, it's to not be a doormat and to plan for the long game.

Do not capitulate hoping to buy peace.

Maintain reasonable expectations and seek accountability.

Do not allow bullying by the child.

Do not hold yourself accountable to the child, but the child to you.

Be prepared to actually ask the child to leave your home. However, manage yourself so not coming from a place of anger, but one of self-respect and calm.

It's a tough prescription.

Finessing tends to be a pipe dream.

The goal is that somewhere when that child is in their twenty or thirties, then they may sort out the trajectory of their childhood and fractured relationships and seek repair.

Hopefully by then, by the parent's maintaining of reasonable behavior and clear consequences with no fear for the relationship, that child will have internalized some sense of respect and values and help make right a relationship gone awry.

That's the long game.

Rarely are there shortcuts in the worst of these situations.

(This is only one perspective and approach. No guarantees.)

Sorry.

My heart is with you.

It's so good to see Sidney resting comfortably.

His itching had been getting worse. He kept us up the last two nights.

So pleased we were able to get him into see the vet so quickly today.

Apart from the needle he received, we were told we could give him Benadryl.

Because it would take a day or two for the needle to work, we gave him a dose of the Benadryl this afternoon and another dose a few minutes ago.

It's like he's back to normal.

Having a dog is like having a child. It's a responsibility.

We take it seriously.

His farts we can still do without.

Sidney has been licking his paws and scratching himself excessively recently. We took him to the vet.

Seasonal allergies. He got a shot. He'll be fine.

We're then sitting in the waiting room ready to finish up, Sidney beside me.

He farts. Loud and prolonged. We've never heard him like that before.

I take him outside in case he has to go. Nothing.

We pay and leave.

In the car Arlene asks if it was me and I was using Sidney as a cover.

I told her no, the dog really did do it.

We laughed.

Over the past few years I have been dialing back my hours in anticipation of retirement. I have also started new volunteer activity to remain active and engaged.

This past year, I have been thinking about retirement more and more. I love what I do, so letting go hasn't been easy.

Having said that, I do anticipate retiring sometime soon. Either this December or by next summer.

In so doing, while I won't take on new clients once retired, I do anticipate continuing to serve the clients already seen for some time to come.

I also love providing talks, keynote addresses, workshops, and media appearances, so I will remain available for those opportunities.

Letting go. I am trying to do so slowly, yet with intention and planning.

It's a process.

You may have been traumatized by your ex and now you have to settle the details of your separation.

It you haven't addressed the trauma such that you can enter the settlement process feeling safe and intact, you are at risk of being taken advantage of and settling for far less than reasonable.

Learning to address that trauma and manage yourself can facilitate a better outcome.

Just before your child leaves for school, tell them there will likely be a student today who could benefit from their attention and support and to keep an eye out for them.

Tell them they only need be kind and if possible, a little helpful to that student.

Their focus and lookout for another will help stave off concerns for themselves and they will likely see someone who could use some sort of help.

Stepping in to help another, they will feel good about themselves while offering support.

I love experimenting in the kitchen. These pita, from scratch, turned out great! They totally puffed up.

About 2 cups of flour;
1/2 teaspoon of salt;
Teaspoon of baking powder;
Cup of plain yogurt;
Tablespoon of olive oil;
Bit of water.

Knead for ten to fifteen minutes. Let rest a few hours. Cut into quarters, knead the pieces and let rest until ready to cook. Roll with rolling pin to flatten.

Heat oven to 450F. Place on heated cookie tray. Bake under broiler. Watch, watch, watch.

Stuffed with leftover pork cut into thin stips, fried onion and peppers. Throw in some cut up green onions.

Be careful about investing in your appearance. No matter what, it will change.

However, values and integrity can endure.

When's summer?

Wait. What!

Just a deep breath. One deep breath.

Start there.

It's like the n-rcissist has a set of binoculars.

When looking at you, they hold the binoculars as they are meant to be held thus magnifying your flaws. They zero in on them.

When looking at themselves, they turn the binoculars around to make their own flaws look way smaller and further away.

It's an old trick.

The longer you wait to be rescued, the longer it will take to learn the skills to manage.

Maybe someone takes you wrong. Maybe they just don't agree with your perspective.

However, they're triggered.

Firstly, I would hope they could manage their being triggered and respond reasonably and informationally.

However, if not, the the challenge is upon you. How do you manage when perhaps feeling attacked?

The first question to resolve is, do you actually need to respond? Can you leave it lay?

If not, then realizing they were triggered and responded perhaps harshly, can you be empathetic? Can you acknowledge that you may have inadvertently triggered them, clarify what you may have meant and even apologize?

If neither of the previous two options are doable, can you manage this third? Simply reply with information to clarify where you were coming from with neutral tone and leave it at that.

None of those options include you being rude, nasty or even defensive.

So often people lose their balance emotionally, and respond from a place of hurt or anger.

It's not about those feelings being innapropriate or appropriate.

It's about finding a way of managing oneself that doesn't escalate the encounter but can bring peace and better understanding.

Let that be one's challenge when triggered. It starts be managing one's self... even one's ego.

Tonight's dinner is simmering in the pot.... Tomato Basil soup.

4 big ripe beautiful tomatoes;
A handful of fresh basil;
Two tablespoons of Knorr chicken stock;
1/2 cup to a cup of cream, milk, or some of both.
Salt and pepper to taste, after adding the chicken stock which has lots of sodium.

Cut up and cook the tomatoes in a deep pot with a dollop of olive oil, until they break down. Add the few other ingredients. Blend with an immersion blender until smooth. No water. Let there be some body to the soup.

Lol... enjoy a cinnamon Danish and cup of tea while preparing. Share with your spouse as they prep fresh corn to roast on the BBQ.

So few ingredients, so much flavor.

Ontario high school students are required to provide 40 hours of community service.

I remember a friend of mine who worked for a community agency telling me that parents would ask him to sign a form indicating their kid had done so.... when they hadn't done so.

Other parents would do their kids work of finding them a placement to do their time... as if it was a jail sentence.

And people wonder why their kid is selfish, self-absorbed, or even on their way to being narcissistic.

Those volunteer hours can serve several powerful functions. They are of value.

Sure. Support you child in finding a placement. Do so by pointing them in a reasonable direction. Beyond that, let them take on the task of securing their position.

Suggest to your child that they find something aligned with their interest to use as an opportunity to explore and even develop future job prospects.

Giving to one's community, can be fun, engaging and serve one's interests and personal development.

Firstly, it can help a student see beyond themselves to tune into the needs of others.

Secondly, when the obligation is seen as an opportunity, the time and placement may allow the child to develop their interest. Thus their choosing a placement that matches their interest can develop their appreciation for a future vocation.

Thirdly, by their doing the work of finding a placement, they may be more invested in the activity and can develop a better sense of responsibility.

Your partner may be skittish about being touched, particularly unexpectedly.

You may think this is a change from earlier in your relationship.

It's likely not, you just didn't know.

Early in your relationship there may have been fear of rebuffing such behavior. Not so Now.

Now your partner is letting you know about their comfort with certain advances amd behavior.

You may not know what to do.

It's actually simple.

Ask them.

The other thing you can do before any advances is ask permission. May I ....

It just may be that their prior experiences haven't been good when it comes to touch or privacy or choice.

Respect your partner. Adjust your approach. Be patient.

Watching a rerun of Sh*tt's Creek.

It's the one where Patrick outs himself to his parents as David's partner.

David was so empathetic when learning that Patrick hadn't done so previously.

Patrick's parents were totally accepting.

That's how it's done.

Great episode.

The thing about mental illness, depression, anxiety and other manifestations, is that it narrows one's focus. So too with pain and physical illness.

It can cause the afflicted person to look self-absorbed.

They're not.

They're distracted and even overwhelmed by their conditions.

Having said that, to the degree to which an afflicted person can see beyond themselves, it can actually help manage the affliction.

One of the best ways to see beyond oneself is to concentrate on doing something for others. It needn't be big.

It could be as simple as noticing another, sharing a smile, helping out.

So on the one hand having difficulty seeing beyond oneself when experiencing distress is normal under the circumstances.

On the other hand and interestingly, seeing beyond oneself with intention can also ease distress.

Good deeds. They're powerful.

I was shopping yesterday.

Regular grocery store. The tomatoes were moldy. The milk was near its expiration date at a price I hadn't seen before. The meat was expensive.

We often share the shopping. It's not like I haven't seen what's happening.

We needed things for supper.

I couldn't bring myself to make purchases there. I left.

I went to a discount grocery chain.

The produce was generally fresher. Not perfect.

They had milk with a reasonable expiration date and it was on sale. I picked some up.

I looked at the meat. I got a cut of pork shoulder. I thought I would make pulled pork.

I picked up a few other items, paid and left.

Admittedly, we are comfortable. Having said that, we don't like to waste money. We're cautious and smart spenders.

My heart was low. My thoughts were with those for whom money is tight. I don't know how people survive these days.

To add, so many are in jobs that simply do not provide a current living wage. Indeed many hold two and even more jobs.

Then, to make matters worse, the current government has stripped all sorts of services causing people to have to pay out of pocket for those things that serve the needs of their family.

So. Much. Stress.

That stress impacts mental and physical health. That stress and those conditions can be toxic to relationships thus destabilizing families further.

We have political leadership where some parties relish and revel in these outcomes as it serves the bottom line of the rich.

Then we have other political parties who typically there for those seeking to get by, seem silent. Crickets.

These are strange and difficult times.

Do know I at least think about these issues and those affected.

Things won't change soon.

It will take a few election cycles where hopefully we see leadership that truly advances the needs of working people as well as those who are disadvantaged.

If I could be granted a wish, it would be that everyone understood that investing in people, children and families, is in everyone's interest.

That is at the forefront of the democratic movement in the US. I can only hope their election favors the democrats substantially.

From there, I then hope it infects politics here.

We matter. You matter.

I see you.

Please, hang in.

People sometimes say they can't find the right words.

There are times when words aren't what is necessary.

All that may be necessary is your presence.

Being there. Really there, in the moment with another.

That can make all the difference.

That can soothe a soul.

Be that part of someone's day they remember for your kindness.

Some teachers get time and some teachers give time to prepare for the new school year. They likely know something about their students before entering the class.

Not typically so for the Educational Assistants, yet they are supposed to support the most vulnerable as well as behavioral students from day one with likely no preparation.

Did you know that typically the Educational Assistants also aren't even invited to team meetings where the students Individualized Education Plan is discussed and developed, yet they will be responsible for its implementation?

Just to add, whereas only a few years ago many Educational Assistants provided one to one support to students, now most will be serving groups of students or in some situations, being used as first responders when things get out of hand.

All of this means that while those kids who need extra support won't be getting anything near what they need, all students will endure greater disruptions to their learning.

So parents please be aware of these changes.

If any issues arise, do not seek to blame the Educational Assistant. They certainly didn't ask for these working conditions.

For those issues that will arise, see the school administration, superintendent, trustees, and email your elected member of provincial parliament.

Remember, just because Ford likes this mess, doesn't mean he can't be held accountable.

All students deserve better.

The Educational Assistants are on your side.

"I'm not comfortable talking behind their back. If you have an issue with them, you should address it with them, not me."

Boundaries.

I know. It doesn't make sense.

However, there are situations where counseling is just not safe for kids. It can make their lives way worse.

Those situations are typically when one parent seeks counseling for a child to deal with the behavior or issues of the other parent.

Firstly, seasoned counselors typically know better than to provide counseling to child at the request of one parent.

The issue is when the other parent finds out.

That counselor can find complaints registered with their regulatory body for not having sought consent from both parents by a very angry parent.

The child themselves is at risk of the parent questioning what they are telling the counselor as well as being told just what to say. We refer to that as interrogation and coaching.

The parent who initiated the referral is at risk of retaliation. That retaliation can be through the court as well as through the child.

So while we like to think counseling is always helpful, let's be clear... no, it isn't.

Indeed as in the situation mentioned it can increase the very issues and conditions that gave rise to the need in the first place.

Think your kid needs counseling?

Consider the situation first. You may be setting that child up for disaster as well as anyone associated with the decision and service.