Love Is Our Leisure Blog

Dating a Person with 'No Money'

Recently, a quote that declared one should not date a person with ‘no money’ garnered much attention from the public for quite some time. The statement implied that to be able to date, one should be financially stable enough to adapt to the seemingly unavoidable expenses that result out of a relationship.

Irregardless of what the author actually meant, to me there are more important things to consider if one is thinking about getting into a relationship with another person than his/her pocket.

Firstly, what’s the goal in the relationship? Is it to develop a bond with another person? Is it to establish a partnership that could potentially last a lifetime? If those things are important to you, then absolutely go for it.

Secondly, am I mature enough to be able to withstand the emotional demands that are surely involved in a relationship? If yes, then don’t let anything stop you from doing so.

These are some of the more important objects to consider when getting into a relationship.

The modern casual dating seems to give the impression that money is a significant factor in a healthy relationship. And to be honest, money is a part of an important aspect of a relationship but it should not be a major criteria when considering a person as a potential life partner.

To understand this, shift your focus from the quantity of a person’s wealth to its quality. How does that person use his wealth? What does he/she prioritize buying when resources are limited? Does he/she have bad habits involving money?

You see, there is absolutely nothing wrong in looking at a person’s financial capabilities. But a true lasting relationship is deeper than that. The less a relationship involves something as volatile as money, the more it becomes a founded and stable partnership.

— Stalwart Dye

No amount of years can make a relationship last as much as no document can make two people stay. What does keep a relationship working is two people working for it constantly.

Couples who have broken up after years of dating, years of planning together, years of marriage have only one thing in common—neglect. If couples neglect the nutrients needed for a lasting relationship, the relationship decays slowly.

Neglect can start with the little things and until eventually it makes its way to the big things and causes the pillars to crumble.

Neglect can mean many things. From refusing to say a compliment to not listening to your partners problems. Neglect of constant communication is also one of the most common forms of neglect.

Trust me, paying attention to these things goes a long way and can even save a relationship from a breakup which society so freely deems as inevitable.

— Stalwart Dye

Chasing Dreams

Personal growth cannot happen if no individual goals exist; and without growth, the relationship is stripped away of a nutrient essential for survival.

Do not be afraid to walk a career path that differs from your partner. It is possible for you both to walk temporarily varying paths and still be able to maintain that strong connection. The key is to understand that this is a necessity for your relationship to thrive.

Support each other in all walks of life even if it means having to endure long distances for a few months or a couple of years. Don’t ever think of the time in bulk; because, trust me, opportunities to be together again will pop up within those years. Take it one day at a time.

Tell the other how you feel about the situation individually and discuss how you both can make things easier for yourselves. If communicating regularly is difficult, arrive at a mutual compromise.

Never neglect constant communication. It will drain the relationship of its safe atmosphere and create walls that will only make the distance feel worse. This is one of the many things that can and certainly should be prevented.

— Stalwart Dye

It Pays To Pay Attention

Missing out on the little details take away so much from the big picture. Much is the same with relationships. You are so engrossed in the problems that are looming over you both that you forget to pay attention to the little things that put a smile on your faces and doing so keeps you from seeing just how beautiful things are at the moment.

Even on rainy days, there is something to appreciate—the soothing sound of spitter-spattering raindrops, the cooling aftermath, the chilly breeze. Life is made of ups and downs. When you learn to accept this, things will be easier.

Because it doesn’t matter how much problems you both are facing; what matters is that you’re facing them together and whatever the outcome may be, you know someone is there to hold your hand until the end.

So if there’s just too much to handle in life at the moment, breathe deep and look around you. See that there’s a lot to be grateful for—the weather, the new day and the new opportunities that come with it, time with friends and family, and the time to just be alive and living.

— Stalwart Dye

Each Other’s Interests

If you find someone who has the same interests as you, then you are one lucky person! Getting into each other’s interests won’t be that difficult. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same hobbies as their soulmates. But it is in those situations that love can be heard louder than words.

Imagine your partner joining you in playing your favorite video game because she knows you enjoy it. That’s your partner telling you that she wants to spend time with you even if it means having to go through a bit of difficulty in doing it.

Nothing feels better than having the love of your life make so much effort to make you feel that your interests matter. It’s another way of showing how much you care.

The best thing about it is these hobbies don’t have to be expensive and time-consuming. You can shop for a plant together or watch TV shows and it still works. Even the simplest of hobbies like making food together can make the greatest impact.

— Stalwart Dye

Whose Side Are You On

What if one day your partner tells of you something that happened at work and she got into an argument with someone—whose side will you favor? Whose side should you be on?

Before you answer this question, you should know that your partner is telling you about this because she wants someone to agree with her and she looks to you for comfort and security. So, you are predisposed to be on her side.

But she also looks to your opinion and criticism because it matters to her and only you can tell her straight to her face that she’s wrong. So, consider the situation carefully. Do you think she’s right about it and her colleague is mistaken?

If she’s right, assure her that you are on her side. But even she’s wrong, be empathic about it. Speak words that care. She expects someone who she will spend the rest of her life with to do just that. Nothing is worth losing her confidence in you.

The bottomline is: be on her side. Always. You should be the one who’s on her side even when others are not. And if you think she’s wrong, she trusts you to tell her because she knows that you speak them out of love and not out of spite. She can handle only your words of reproof and not anyone else’s.

Be the rock that she can rely on when the world wears her down especially on the days when she feels like she can’t trust anyone.

— Stalwart Dye

Two-man Team

There is a saying that describes a relationship as a bird in flight—it needs its two wings to function properly to keep it from falling down to the ground.

When you think about a relationship in that paradigm, you get a hold of how it works. A relationship, in its very core, is but composed of only these things: a person and another person—its wings. Together they help each other to maintain the rhythm of the relationship, keeping it in flight.

Problems occur when one is not functioning properly. This causes a disruption in the rhythm and will cause the ‘bird’ to start ‘falling’. To remedy this, the other wing has to compensate for the malfunctioning wing to help it recover. And the cycle goes on and on.

The malfunction can result from different things because each wing has its own life and therefore has its own problems to face. With this being said, I think that when faced with a decision that can affect the relationship, it must be discussed by the parties involved. This way, they will know what to expect in the future and will make the necessary adjustments to make things easier for them.

Always decide together if a decision affects the relationship. By doing this, you both learn to respect each other’s opinions and you acknowledge the fact that the relationship is a partnership by nature and must always be treated as such.

— Stalwart Dye

Priorities, Priorities

When a person comes into your life, it’s inevitable that your priority list will be affected in one way or another. At first, you might not see the gravity of its changes, but over time you will begin to realize that you need to make necessary adjustments. Fortunately, it doesn’t need to be such a difficulty for you.

At the beginning of the talking stage, you might have mentioned to this person all about your priorities in life. If you did, then he already has an idea about where you are now in your life and where he is in the midst of it all. And if he loves you, he will understand that some things are put first in your life before anything else.

Some of the things that should be put first are education, or something that you yourself feel really passionate about pursuing in your life. It can be a dream job or small things that give you genuine joy—you decide.

After that, discuss with your partner the order of these things. You both are building a life for each other so it’s appropriate to base these changes on your opinions. After all, both your lives are now intertwined and every decision that will be made henceforth affects how your future will turn out. If there are things you don’t agree about, compromise to meet halfway. And if you can’t reach a certain decision as of the moment, try something out at least.

But take all the time you both need; tread at your own pace. If it works, great! If not, you try something else. The important thing is that you’re learning.

— Stalwart Dye

Is It Love?

It’s easy to blurt out the words ‘i love you’ to someone else but not everyone knows what it means. Oftentimes, we think we ‘love’ the person but forget the true meaning of the word.

How does one know when it’s love and not some other shallow feeling? The best way to find out is to think of the person that made you think it’s love.

Do you see that person as someone who you can be with for the rest of your life? Do you think you can be vulnerable to this person and still feel cared for? Do you feel safe around this person?

If yes, it’s probably love.

If something came up on your schedule because of work and you had to postpone your plans to be together, would she still be alright with it? Does she respect your opinion about things? Does he make you feel good about yourself? Does she think often about how you would feel?

If yes, it’s probably love.

The truth is, one can never really be certain if it’s love or not. But there are signs that will help us in identifying it. One, this love you feel for another person needs to be selfless. Because if your love seeks to benefit and satisfy only yourself, it’s not love. Next, and this one you should never forget, love is not fleeting. It endures.

— Stalwart Dye

What Is A Soulmate?

Many have spent years looking for their soulmates. I mean, who wouldn’t? Finding someone who is willing to spend the rest of his life with you is the greatest find in life in terms of love.

But what is a soulmate? How would you know this person or that one is your soulmate?

A soulmate is someone who loves you. That’s for sure. But he is also someone who knows your imperfections and knows you’re trying your best to be better; someone who is aware that your past made you who you are now and still loves you for what you have become.

A soulmate is someone who never wants to hurt you or make you sad; someone whose intentions is solely to give you the purest of happiness that he can offer.

A soulmate is someone who can tell you if you’ve done something wrong; someone who doesn’t tolerate your bad habits but rather he helps you overcome them instead.

Most of all, a soulmate is not someone who leaves when things get rocky. Instead, he is someone who knows that a relationship is not all sunny days and stays to get through the stormy days with you.

— Stalwart Dye

Choose To Be Kind

There will be moments in a relationship where the friction gets a little intolerable. It’s perfectly normal. After all, you both have separate minds and in turn will have varied preferences sometimes. And some things that the other person is used to do might not be as pleasing to you as it is to him.

This type of situation, if left unacknowledged, may lead to undesirable consequences. Angst and frustration will build up inside you until one day, when you can’t contain it anymore, it explodes into words that sting more than intended.

The best course of action to prevent this is to know yourself what it is that you do not like that the other person is doing. It’s important to be specific to help him understand fully the extent of what he did. Then tell him what it is. Tell him you don’t like it when he jokes about a certain thing, or that you don’t like it when he leaves his shoes anywhere in the house, etc.

Communicate properly what you want him to know. And in doing this, make sure you choose the kindest words and the kindest way you can possibly think of. When you offer kindness, you will receive kindness. The energy you exude will reflect on the person you are communicating with. The last thing you want is to induce a harsh reaction from the other which will only make things worse.

When you choose to be kind with your words and your actions, things can only get better from there.

— Stalwart Dye

What ‘We’ Can Do

What everyone needs almost all the time is a person who makes you feel like you’re not soloing the burdens of life. It’s never good to be alone especially when you’re in a bumpy situation.

My girlfriend once told me that one of the reasons why she had considered me as a lifetime partner was how I always used the word ‘we’. If she told me about a problem with school, I would tell her ‘we’ll do better in the next exam’ or if she fell short on her monthly budget, I would say ‘don’t worry, we’ll find a way’.

It may seem like nothing to me but to her it had an astounding effect knowing that she has someone who makes the load a little lighter.

The world gives us too much to think about already. Wouldn’t it feel great to have the cares of life be shared by two instead? It makes life more bearable for both of you and makes your relationship a true safe haven.

— Stalwart Dye

Make Room For Wrongs

There is no perfect relationship in this world. At least not between two humans. Because what makes us human are the mistakes we make. Otherwise, we’re nothing but robots.

A relationship should be a place that gives someone peace and a calmness like no other. Likewise, your partner should give that impression to you. A relationship wherein a partner pressures you into perfection is like a bubble just waiting to pop.

I remember when I messed up the rice I was cooking. My girlfriend had to wait a little while longer before we could eat our meal. She was very hungry then but I didn’t hear a word from her. She understands that I’m human and I make mistakes. One day, when she makes a mistake, I will remember that same day and how I felt that peace, and will make her feel the same because I know how it made me feel. It felt wonderful.

Make room for mistakes every now and then. Forgive and forget. If you think it’s nothing big, let it slide once or twice. Give yourselves the space to be human; give yourselves the opportunity to grow.

— Stalwart Dye

Communicate Effectively

Now that we’ve established that communication is important, we ought to learn how to communicate effectively. Everyone has their own way of communicating and some are not as good with words than others. That’s okay. Not everyone has to be able to pick the words and speak their minds perfectly.

The primary consideration to begin communication is by assessing the environments. I say it in plural form because we’re considering two types of environments: the (1) external and the (2) internal environment.

The external environment refers to the physical surroundings around you. It has to be quiet where you both can clearly hear each other. A place that is very intimate and has zero to minimal distractions.

The internal environment, on the other hand, describes the current state of a person. Is the other person in a condition to understand you? Or is there something bothering him that makes him less receptive of the message you’re trying to get through to him?

When you’ve considered these things, slowly make your way to the point you’re making. Never bombard him with ugly truths. Start with compliments and then try to ease in the nasty parts. This way he knows you acknowledge the good and are not just focusing entirely on the bad. Then, end by saying you are willing to make changes to make the relationship work. In my opinion, even if you meet halfway in the compromise, you will still be able to see positive changes in the relationship.

Little things, when done enough times, make big results.

— Stalwart Dye

Give, Not Receive

All this talk about the needs of a person makes you think that it’s a very selfish mindset to always think of what I can receive or benefit from the relationship. It’s true, that is selfish. And whether you like it or not, that is not love.

Love stems from something pure and it’s quite the opposite of selfishness. Love thinks not of self but of others. It asks the question ‘what can I give to the relationship’ rather than ‘what can I get from this relationship’. Most people err in their mindset by thinking the latter. It has to stop.

When you love someone, it doesn’t matter what you get in return. Because if that someone loves you too, he reciprocates that same love to you. If you feel like you’re not receiving as much love as you give, then maybe that someone does not love you as much or has a different perspective of love than you.

In that case, maybe both your principles of love are not in sync. The only way to mend this is by realigning your principles to better match each others’. And it’s not an easy thing to do for both individuals because it involves having to undergo massive changes in the relationship and individualities.

Most people would just break up and wait for the right person who will have the same principles as yours.

— Stalwart Dye

The Formula

Every good relationship keeps three factors in check all the time to maintain its equilibrium, one of them is significantly vital–communication. The other two we are going to talk about today.

First, needs. Everyone has needs that must be met, we already know that. We also know that everyone has a standard. In addition, everyone also has a love language. These are just a few of the needs a person can have and in order for one to engage in a relationship, some or all of these boxes should be ticked off.

Second, compromise. This is where it gets a little difficult for most people. They are willing to accept that their partners have needs but even then they are not willing to compromise to meet those needs. Hence, little by little the relationship falls apart.

So, where does communication come into play in the formula? Visualize the relationship formula like this:

Needs | Communication | Compromise

Communication is in between these two and connects the two together. It’s basically the only way for one to get to the other. Like a bridge that connects two islands. In order for a need to be satisfied, one has to communicate that need to arrive at a compromise. And to be able to compromise properly, one has to communicate how one might be able to do it.

When you think of communication as the bridge, you get an idea of just how important it is to keep it sturdy and not feeble.

— Stalwart Dye

A Vital Factor

If there is one thing that can tell, and almost accurately, if a relationship would last or be fleeting, that is the health of communication. How does the other communicate his needs to the other? How does the other receive the message?

Most of the problems encountered in any relationship at any given time can be solved by proper communication. Don’t believe me? Think of any problem in a relationship right now.

Cheating. If a person cheats on his partner, there are problems in their communication. It’s subtle and they might not even be aware that it’s there but it is there. He might have had needs that were never met in the relationship. For example, he might have needed more attention that was never given to him and somebody else did. This happened because he never communicated his need for attention. And if he did, the other person did not feel the need to satisfy those needs. In that case, there’s more than just one problem in their relationship.

Trust Issues. This is an obvious one. If there are problems in the relationship that involves trust, there are disruptions in the communication. This can be solved by communicating your need for assurance. Suggest ways your partner can do to lessen the doubts that stir the pot. By helping each other, you’re helping the relationship grow.

If you’ve been paying attention, there is a pattern in these problems and how they are solved. We’ll talk about that pattern in the next post. Until then, if you guys have any questions, feel free to post them in the comments below!

— Stalwart Dye

Where To Begin?

We often find ourselves wondering why we, humans, have a tendency to love others romantically. To some, this may not be the case. But certainly to most, it is.

Therefore, there must be a cause to it, right? Sure.

One reason is that we find something familiar in others that predisposes us to ‘like’ them. It may come in different forms: a tone in the voice, a wrinkle in the face, a specific word choice, a particular scent, a laugh, etc. Indeed the possibilities of these are endless just like human experiences.

I think it’s important for us to understand how the romance began. It’s going to help us in the long run by reminding us of that fuzzy feeling when it first came to us.

How does it help a relationship become stable and healthy?

Humans are strange creatures. They change moods and behavior all the time. They’re almost unpredictable. But what never changes is a memory. A bad day can ruin one’s mood most definitely if you let it. Sometimes, it’s inevitable. When you’re in a bad mood, depending on how you release this emotion, you may say things that are mean or you may ignore your partner unconsciously because something else is bothering you.

A good partner knows that this is not the real you.

He remembers the you that he fell in love with. By linking memory with reality, familiarity will maintain the close connection that you two have established in the past.

It’s difficult to have the patience for it. But in a real relationship, one will never feel like he’s the only one burdened by these things. Because, one day, you too will encounter the same situation and you will have to do the same to him.

That’s just how relationships work. 😉

— Stalwart Dye

At Last!

I have been thinking about making a blog about my view and perspective on relationships. There’s a lot of things that I want to share to other people. I am no expert at relationships. However, I have learned many lessons the hard way.

I refuse to let others walk that path.

If you think I don’t know s**t about love and relationships then you’re probably right. Because until now I am still learning. And my girlfriend had opened doors that I never even thought existed.

This blog is not about her. This blog is also not about me. This blog is about us trying to decipher the puzzle that is love; about the daily struggle to know beyond what our mind tells us about it; about how we can better understand the why’s and where’s of its beginning; about how we might see its demise from a distance.

Hang tight. We have so much truths to question.

— Stalwart Dye