sleeperly

Pilot the EVA Shinji 👾

Skys of dazzling calm alternating with storms of great violence 🤍

Estou sem tripé e sem iluminação e sem fundos por isso as fotos estão assim um pouco MySpace energy. E passei imenso tempo a editar isto para tirar as paredes amarelas que me atormentam a alma mas felizmente vão em breve ser enterradas nas memórias do passado amargo que nelas se entranhou *pose dramática*

Apparently some of you don’t know this: I do the makeup, photography, lighting, post production and editing on my content. Everything you see on my feed unless otherwise stated is 100% my work and vision.
It does require a wide skillset and I feel under appreciated here sometimes. Maybe I’m just not that good, or what I do is not palatable, but I like to believe it’s some cyber conspiracy against me because I’m a dirty little comm!e 💋
Thank you to the people who engage, comment, share, subscribe, send gifts or make donations, thank you to my friends and family and for everyone’s support. I appreciate you and I hope my distant personality doesn’t make you forget that.

**e

𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔭 𝔬𝔫 𝔪𝔢

⛓️

using Aquacolor Liquid 071
foundation in Light 01 even though my shade match is Light 04 because I’m an adult goth makeup artist (gift)

I wanted to try making a sole print on my face, it wasn’t as simple as I anticipated but I think it looks good. I probably took longer to clear my desk for these laying down photos than I did to do the makeup itself, which is a little funny because that activity seriously almost made me give up and not take any photos at all. The internal turmoil of “oh I can’t just shoot this as a portrait — what if I contort myself on the desk — I need to clear it and clean it — this is impossible — but I’ve come this far… am I just creating excuses? Fine but I won’t even check the photos if they’re horrible that’s all there is I need a nap” and then I crashed into bed and proceeded to be unable to sleep for the entire night even though it felt like I was drowsy and exhausted during the endeavor I’ve described.

💉🤍👾

saw that illustration and felt inspired

🖤🩸💋

Apologies if my take on this event is too graphic, I’m trying to get hired for this diva’s makeup team and so showing off my SFX makeup skills. 🦅✨

(please read in customer service voice)
This evening we have cursted for you a carousel of true brain rot, from the designated region of my bed from wheremst the chef themselves carefully selected the most delightful depictions of our bittersweet reality. Products may be purchased of course now that your visceral emotions have been instigated by the images, dearest consumer… We must not waste this bountiful harvest of dopamine and other buzzwords you and your kids will surely misuse in a conversation in an attempt to gain aura points, increase your rizz, skibbidi bop.

💉❤️‍🩹💋

❤️‍🩹𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖔𝖉 𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖙 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖙𝖆𝖕𝖊⛓️

I wrote a big misandrist text and lost it in the process of saving and editing. All those moments lost in time like spit in beer foam… (it’s a joke and if any Roy Batty fans wanna fight about it I would say name the time and place but I’d probably forget to show up)
Other big news is that I decided to try something I always said I’m saving for my old age, as a polite way to say “no” but that I was interested. I tried it and for a few hours of my life I finally felt complete, safe, whole. Then the world came crashing back and reality hit me in the face with another day packed with all the challenges of being myself. Looking around and finding nothing else to blame but me, still these are all such small problems when put into perspective, right?
All in all, I should be grateful… but I’m not satisfied yet.

Having grown weary of humans and their ways, the decision was made to embrace a dark folk variation of gothic fashion, in preparation to abscond into the woodlands.

🤍

Love letter to a ghost:

I want to be with one who would not leave and not let me leave. That we could see through each other anew say “I know why you did this, but I love you and you don’t have to be perfect.”

I want space that brings us closer, that we should be allowed to resent, hate and hurt each other. To finally become people and not mistakes.
Leave everything for me and I’ll leave everyone for you. Disappear into each other — then somehow we are still strangers and we will walk past each other as if two shadows had touched but the shape holds no soul.

Anything less is a friend, and I pretend.

Should you die before I do, come back every night and be with me in dreams. Let the echos of you stay.

Neither yours nor gone,
Ana

𝚌𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚞𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚘𝚍

Except for the first image where I adjusted the shadows and color balance, these are unedited images captured under natural light.
AI could never 💅🏻

💀𝔠𝔶𝔟𝔢𝔯 𝔤𝔥𝔬𝔰𝔱🤍

So many people think they wanna be friends because I seem fun, but very few can take it when they find me covered in blood, when I call them over in the middle@of the night unable to move and begging them not to call an ambulance “I just don’t want to die alone but please let me die.”
Most people leave, a lot of them I push away, but nobody feels like we’re the same species.
I feel so alone all the time, so disconnected from everyone like I’m living in a world where animals talk and kinda sound like me, look alike but I’m just something else made to look the same as them just enough to get by.
Talking to other people is nice, I don’t want to confine myself to strictly autistic, ADHD or gifted people (especially because most gifted individuals are pretentious and arrogant).
I just get tired of not fitting in anywhere.

didn’t get to take photos so here are some stills from the videos I made and posted.

I always post more and more personal stuff in my Close Friends — you can subscribe for 3,5€/month through my patreon.

🌹𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖘𝖊 𝖋𝖑𝖔𝖜𝖊𝖗𝖘 𝖓𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖗 𝖉𝖎𝖊🖤

So to counterbalance my insomniac phase, I’ve been sleeping all day yesterday and today. It’s a relief to have a break from reality — I dream a lot about being with my dad, friends and ex’s that I’m not even in touch with anymore. Dreaming of a version of me that could still show up for others instead of needing all my energy just to stay alive. Trying to fight the thoughts of self loathing.
I’ve also decided to stop using k3t after realizing my tolerance was so high that it wasn’t doing any good anymore, probably. Self medicating is not ideal but it’s incredibly difficult to access mental health care in Berlin and especially in my case where I let everything fall apart so deeply (stopped paying my health insurance, stopped opening my mail or paying any bills, all I could do was lay in bed until hunger or feeling uncomfortable made me move to do something).
Thankfully there’s a couple of kind souls who support me and visit to make sure I’m still alive. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for these people.

If you relate to me I’m sorry, and if you don’t I hope you never do.

𝖋𝖊𝖊𝖉 𝖒𝖊 𝖋𝖗𝖊𝖊𝖉𝖔𝖒

Scroll to the end for a picture of 15 year old me being a baby aggrotech enjoyer.

💋

Still sane enough to pay taxes but I’m not gonna do it without looking cxnty 💋💕

🐰🔪✔️🖤

Make cybergoth great again 👾

can you hear me, do you care?

-them

𝕳𝖔𝖑𝖑𝖔𝖜

RIP to this DIY fit that I lost along with a bunch of others clothes when returning from Cologne during the train strike on zero hours of sleep, a very stressful and triggering night caused by some delulu DJ guy and worrying about my friend who was missing for almost two weeks at that time ✨
Imagine if I was really sharing what my life is like instead of this fun chaotic internet persona? But then this wouldn’t be serving the purpose of escaping my reality.

I want to disappear

one of my experiments with Glass Skin technique 🖤 I liked the shots where I’m ripping it off my face.

**sepaint

𝔰𝔦𝔩𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔢 𝔦𝔰 𝔳𝔦𝔬𝔩𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔢

Happy Valentines Day 💋

When I turned 18 I started working after school so I could fund my interest in lo**ta fashion. I loved it especially because the community was based around fun clothes and “coordinates” but at the same time there were rules and some people in the community even criticized piercings, tattoos and smoking as “not lo**ta” — my friend eventually opened a boutique in Porto selling secondhand “burando” 🌹 that’s where my mother picked out this dress, it was my Christmas present that year.
I’m not great with people, even my own mother said she never saw me love anyone… That people loved me but I kept them at a distance and detached like it was nothing. What really hurt though was the therapy session when I understood why I never attached myself to anyone. I curled on the floor of my room crying, I got angry at my parents and family for their mistakes.
But… honestly? The stories and struggles that made those people, and in turn made me, are really beautiful: flaws and all.

⚔️𝕴𝖒𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖙𝖆𝖑𝖘⚔️

If I see one more fashion shoot where the models are wearing co**se paint or goth makeup I’m leaving society to go live in a cabin in the woods.

👁️ 𝕷𝖔𝖛𝖊 𝖎𝖘 𝕭𝖑𝖎𝖓𝖉 👁️

I haven’t been lucky in love. This misfortune is not a spawn of tragedy — a series of misunderstandings generating a plot line plagued by frustration and someone behaving against their nature among a group of people that have a clashing worldview? That’s the formula for most situations-coms! If I talk about my failed relationships you should really try to imagine there’s a laugh track playing every time I finish a sentence.

I can’t understand how love is supposed to be about limiting the freedom of the person you love. Why would I demand that my partners have no other relationships to fulfill their needs?
Looking back, I forced myself to have physical intimacy with partners because I felt like this was something that we have to do in relationships to keep the person around, from my understanding of the social contract, it was my duty to fulfill that role. I don’t know if this comes from what I went through as a child, I will never know who I would have developed into if I was given the chance to discover my own sexuality instead of having it forced on me. And it’s not just about what was done to me, as horrible as it is, I feel that our culture perpetuates a deeply unhealthy relationship with our bodies and reproductive systems as well as each other in that aspect. It’s both a tabu and an obsession, it’s everywhere and everything is covertly about this reproductive urge, but we are never supposed to talk about it directly.

Now I don’t force myself to do anything I don’t feel like doing, and that’s why I chose to be polyamorous, that’s why I am not monogamous and do not wish to have a monogamous relationship — whatever you want from me is limited to what I am willing or capable of giving, and if I can’t I am happy someone else might fulfill that need for closeness, touch, warmth, interdependence, a certain level of fusion of the selves.
My affairs are with my interests and passions, there is too much I want to do and think about and pour myself into, and I want to do it selfishly, wholly for me. That’s who I am and it took me too long to realize there’s nothing wrong with me for a relationship to change that.

⚔️𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔫 𝔦𝔰 𝔪𝔶 𝔤𝔬𝔡⛓️

Can you take it without crying, take it without flinching. Can you smile through it?
Justify its presence and learn to seek it, to control it. Asking myself why I trust someone to hurt me but not really to be kind to me, and where did I learn to be so scared of another when their touch is gentle.
If this is broken then I’m glad at least I got the hot kind of broken 🔪

Let’s talk about the psychological repercussions of serving cvnt 🔪
I altered this dress and put together this look for ‘s memorial rave. ❤️‍🩹 I wish society was a better place for people like Rob, he was one of the good ones and it’s always these people who go too soon… RIP 🖤🖤🖤

𝖓𝖊𝖜 𝖞𝖊𝖆𝖗 𝖘𝖆𝖒𝖊 𝖇𝖞𝖙𝖈𝖍

photography: .soares
makeup & hair
nail extensions & 3D art: