You Are Enough

I very rarely post pictures of me but I am trying to do better! Self confidence and self worth is a work in progress, but progress is progress.

Learning to be happy with myself again and starting to really care about me, which is huge in my recovery journey.

I still hope posting about my recovery journey, although it’s been not the most consistent, has been helpful and continues to be helpful for myself and anyone else who may look at this page from time to time.

I plan to carry on posting and talking about my journey but also offer anyone seeking help avenues in which to find their own path to recovery.

Over eleven months ago I was in a very dark place, battling with multiple mental health issues along with unable to stop drinking for any longer than a few weeks at a time before binging again. I thought I was never going to be able to stop being powerless over alcohol, but all that changed from New Year’s Eve 2020. I decided I wanted to make a real change and become powerful and conquer my demons, I wanted to fight, and I also knew I couldn’t do it alone anymore.

I have an incredible support network of family and friends. I called my therapist and we then started to work from the ground up again, getting a routine in place, admitting defeat and putting in place barriers, boundaries and whatever else was needed.

Admitting defeat over something, that it had me beat was one of the hardest things to do, that first step, but the path can show itself to you in that moment.

I’m ecstatic to reach any length of time without alcohol, I am feeling more and more confident about reaching the big 1 year 🙊 but for right now it’s one step in front of the other, one day at a time.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol or any other substance, reach out, to me, to your friend or family, to anyone. It shows strength, not weakness.

Make sure you prioritise your self care because how can you help others when your batteries are low?

It’s easier said than done though, I am always forgetting to take care of myself and put myself on the back burner so I can help everyone and everything first. I had to start putting myself first and my priorities first.

It’s not always easy and sometimes there are inner battles with your own self you have to face.

Going to lots of Christmas parties? Worried you might be at risk of drinking or doing something you know you don’t want to be doing? Don’t go, don’t make excuses and lie, be honest or just say you can’t make it, honestly people will understand. If you are worried about missing out then you are also potentially not putting your core self first.

Wanting to join in with others is a powerful pull, so it’s important to have your core self and values non moveable if that makes any sense.

There will always be another gathering and party you can go to, once you’ve done the work on your self so you are strong enough.

If anything becomes between you and your self, it’s a no, well at least for me it is, no exceptions. None.

Hope everyone is having a good week. I’ve been enjoying my journey and been focusing on living my amends and focusing on the now. Sometimes I get reminded of old ways and also see just how easy it is to slip back into them.

I have a few friends who drink like my old self and also friends who have struggled the past year or so which is really hard to see, but also I make sure not to let myself slip back into old ways but try and show myself that change is possible, I’ve opened new doors, closed and locked and bricked over old ones, hopefully that if anyone, friends or not, can see that change is always possible and that continuing old ways aren’t going to solve the problem.

Excited for my next step of my journey, I go through such a rollercoaster of emotions all the time but it feels good to feel them all and work through them rather than avoid them.

10 months sober today. Can’t believe it but also how fast this month is going?!

Self worth is what I’m currently working on and it was a lot of my struggle last year with punishing myself for past mistakes, but today ’m so proud of myself, I’m proud of the person I’m promising myself to be every single day.

I hope every one has a good day and it’s ok if you don’t, you’re doing the best you can.

I’m off to see a few friends later for a catch up and some pumpkin soup which I’m really looking forward to! 🥣

Happy Halloween! 🎃

You Are Enough updated their address.

9 months sober today and free from alcohol! I could’ve had a baby 😅. I’ve worked extremely hard to get to this point and each milestone is worth celebrating whether it’s one day you’re struggling to get through or one hour, you’re achievements are worth recognising because you’re worth it.

My self worth was rock bottom for so long, which is what allowed me to give up and being resentful for previous actions kept me in a place of misery, but I chose to live, to reach out and to take action.

At this point I don’t struggle with alcohol and it doesn’t control me or worry me like it used to - will there be wine at this party? Yeah but will there be enough wine? Will I have drink at home when I get back? Can’t wait for the weekend to have a drink. None of that matters now. I still have to work at it like anything, I was drinking most weekends for many years so it takes a lot of time to ‘unlearn’ behaviours and find new more exciting ones that benefit your health and life.

As always a big shoutout to everyone who has helped me get to this point, it’s a slow journey and you can’t do it alone but there’s always help out there.

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Daily reminder, be kind to yourself. That’s for me and for anyone else who needs reminding.

I can be my own worst critic, I put myself down and get frustrated that progress is happening, but sometimes too slowly, or there are days where I don’t feel like doing anything or post anything.

It’s ok, I’m still on a big journey and learning to be kind to yourself is a big part of that so I’m trying to do that! Hope you are too!

Here are some tips that have helped me over the last 8 months of not drinking alcohol.

If you are concerned about your drinking or have been told you need to stop for a short period of time, if it’s for an operation, raising money for charity or just want to live a healthier life without alcohol then these are some tips to help you stop those initial cravings & keep you going!

Disclaimer: I’m no expert! I’m 8 months into not drinking and I’m still on my own journey of self care and removing dependencies on or towards alcohol, but these are just some of the things that I do that work for me.

Please seek professional advice when considering stopping drinking especially if you are consuming large amounts as you may require a detox programme to prevent severe withdrawal.

8 months baby! 😂

Recap: to anyone who is interested 😅, in lockdown I was going through quite a painful & turbulent divorce, along with living alone, working for myself at home & co parenting a dog, it led to lots of isolation and long periods of time without just my thoughts! It led me down a deep and dark path which ultimately led me to use alcohol as a coping mechanism.

Towards the end of the year it was clear I wasn’t getting better & using alcohol was more like a prescription to forget about things rather than sit with them and deal with them head on and that’s what I ultimately chose to do.

I also sat back at my last drinking behaviour before lockdown, which I did see initial signs of escalation, for a long time it was mostly drinking on weekends, never at work or in the week.

As I worked from home more and running my own business with my own rules, the lines of ‘oh it’s Wednesday, hump day’ or it’s almost the weekend etc began to enter the mind, so it is interesting to look back and question not only the last year but maybe try and do something more drastic and change how you look towards alcohol, rather than have it there as it’s marketed by the big companies to be a social tool or a quiet night in thing, which it can be, in moderation. However I believe as it is an addictive substance, which to people struggling with other things such as depression etc can lead to slow escalation.

I’m now at a place where I’m no longer dependent on having alcohol as a coping mechanism or a social lubricant, I’m weird enough as it is! 🤣 but also that it has shifted in the last few months, I’m back to being myself, I’m interested in things, interested in dating again! 🙈, I’m also at a place where it’s now a choice with alcohol, it was essential for me at first to go to drastic lengths, but now I am choosing to not have a drink, because I don’t really want one.

I’m like a lot of people that view certain challenges and struggles as a sign I’ve not done the best I can or that I am weak, but I know that I’m using the challenges that lay ahead for a way to move forward not backwards and not to fall on those struggles and simply surrender.

For a long time I felt helpless, lost without a paddle, aimlessly just letting things knock me down more and more until I felt like a shell, I let people take so much from me when I should’ve been building myself back up sooner.

Now my struggles have become ammunition to move forward in a direction that benefits me most in my own pursuit of happiness.

Happiness to me isn’t about owning cars, even able to drive that car, own a house or nice things, essentially putting my happiness in external factors which will not make you happy, happiness is an inside job, so that’s where I’m starting.

My journey is on a discovery with myself, being happy in my own skin, caring for myself and taking care of me, I’ve neglected for so long.

I will get back on track with posting on here regularly again soon I promise!

But for now I hope someone out there whoever it may be, if they are feeling low for any reason knows that they are enough and all things will pass given enough time.

I love this film, I watched it recently and love having a few of the songs in my movie soundtrack & scores playlist whilst I work.

Sometimes you just forget who you are over time, or programmed to be a certain way, whether that’s through various pressures such as society telling you this is how you should act or behave, someone telling you what you’re doing is wrong or immature, or things you pick up along the way through your childhood.

I’m on a new adventure, finally starting to feel like I am breaking free of the last few years of living up to other people’s expectations and making my own way, making my life spectacular however I decide to do that and that’s my path.

I felt lately that giving up alcohol, I’d not be able to go on adventures etc or live in the moment, but that’s just our English society that has linked drink into almost every aspect of people’s life, it’s everywhere! But I’ve been to the Peak District with my dog, managed to get up at 5am and to the top of mam Tor before 7am (we slowed down when we realised we wouldn’t see sunrise because it was cloudy as s**t at that time) but I plan and also not plan but just do a lot more in the months and years ahead!

Also never grow up, be that inner child and learn to live with your inner child because it will turn out that it’s just you waiting to get out!

I remind myself this all the time. I’m still figuring everything out, who am I to me when nobody is around, what do I want to do and figuring out a five year plan - I’m currently able to focus on maybe a few weeks plan, with longer term goals fluctuating, on one end I want to be selling everything and going off grid, like Ted kaczynski, but without making bombs or anything, I’m not out to get people lol. On the other end I’m also wanting to do things like meet new people, make new friends and see where things go, maybe even get a room mate in and push myself to be more sociable.

I’ve become very comfortable the past couple of months and don’t mind not doing things or spending time just me and my dog, long walks, relaxing to a movie in the evening and planning mini adventures, but there very non social things, but dogs are just better than people a lot of the time.

Gone off topic, classic. Anyway, I guess it’s just a message to remind myself that it’s cool, you’ve had to reset, make changes and now start thinking fresh and what you want to do, just because friends etc seem to have so much more, a house, kids etc, doesn’t mean I’m behind on anything, I’m just going at my pace.

Well it happened! I’ve hit six months today. It’s absolutely extraordinary I’ve managed to get this far without having a drink at all.

I remember when I couldn’t go a single weekend without a drink, what is that, five days and then boom the weekend hits and it’s party time, every weekend, for probably well over 10 years.

Towards the end of my drinking weekends started on a Thursday, then in lockdown it escalated even further to the point of drinking for multiple days on end all of the day, no time was off limits, it became unmanageable and I decided to do something about it.

The last six months haven’t been easy, once you stop self medicating with alcohol or any addictive substance you are left with a problem and I’ve been dealing it with it every day, one day at a time.

Dealing with your problems head on isn’t easy and analysing your character defects figuring out who you are again and more importantly, being kind and caring to yourself.

The six months have been a gift really, I’ve been able to focus on everything, be present, care for my amazing dog better than ever, he is living his best life and I know I’m on the path to living mine. The highlight over the last six months was definitely our trip to the Peak District together, showing we can now do whatever we want if we put our mind to it.

I’ve put in a lot of hard work in, the six months before this was a very dark place - incomparable to the six months of 2021 where I have been able to focus on being the best version of me.

I can’t thank my family, friends, therapist, groups, meetings, Samaritans, CALM, emergency services, neighbours and so many others for being there for me and giving me the hand up I so desperately needed. Nobody can do this alone, you’ll have to do the work, but there are people around you willing to help and stick with you, always.

I’m almost six months sober now, just under a week to go, not that it’s a build up to anything it’s onto the next day, one day at a time. But I will do something for it I imagine.

6 months ago was me hitting rock bottom for what felt like the tenth time last year, my marriage broke down at the start of 2020 and we couldn’t fix it so by March when lockdown happened and my ex wife left I was alone and finally hit the bottom or what I thought what was the bottom, I turned to alcohol as my coping mechanism, which it is absolutely not, it sent me through spirals, very dark times, caused me to have breakdown after breakdown, ambulances & police called a few times and things you can imagine that go with all of that.

If I lived with someone I am pretty sure I would’ve been sectioned, but I convinced the police that I was fine I just drank to much and have friends and family worrying about me.

It took me getting sober to be now left with a problem I am able to look at, like bringing a boat into a dry dock, I can analyse the damage, I’ll be honest and say it’s extensive and going to take a lot of time to fix, sox months isn’t very long in the scheme of things.

But equally, I was never able to turn down a drink after five days and almost every weekend for 10+ years I’d be getting the wine in and being hungover every Sunday before work again on the Monday.

Keep it in the day, don’t worry about yesterday and don’t focus on tomorrow. For each day comes a new change to focus on what’s important.

I am waking up feeling a lot bette Ron myself this morning, I’m conscious I’ve been neglecting certain aspects of my own self, I always do that, whether it may be not eating or not washing etc (I know gross) I tend to do loads of other things but forget to take time to look after myself throughout the day.

Going to be setting little timers every hour or so just to take five, do you want to grab a snack - have one? Do you need to take a breather, take one. It’s ok.

Think it’s made worse by caring for two others (the dogs) and then the business and the house, I get pushed way down the bottom of the pile.

Today’s lesson for me: keep it in the day, take time for you.

There is no shortcut to happiness, you have to live your life.

It makes complete sense to me, it’s life on life’s terms, not yours. My recovery and journey took a little hit the last week or so, I could say it’s because I’m looking after a friends dog so I have two effective ‘toddlers’ roaming around, but I think it’s not that overall.

I haven’t picked up a drink nor do I plan to, but I have felt my mood be a lot lower, more emotional (if that’s possible) and struggling to get out of my own head and do simple things like eat lunch, which means I over eat in the evening which creates this cycle I need to break really.

But I need to remind myself I’m on a journey and I can’t control the direction, I may have had a bad couple of weeks but it’s for a reason, maybe it’s testing me.

I have a lot of work to do on myself, in particular my diet which probably took the biggest hit, I’ve got a lot to unpack but I’ve made a start.

Recovery from anything, whether it be an addiction, a loss, isolation, depression, it isn’t linear and there will be big hills to climb along the way.

Who doesn’t love a Harry Potter quote?!

Sometimes things can get hard again even though you’re making great progress. I have ups and downs like everyone these days but I need to be aware of my downs as it can lead towards things such as a lapse in drinking. I need to remember to refocus, when times are looking dark to revisit the things that I have that keep me up and keep me going on my journey.

Just remind yourself how far you’ve come, go easy on yourself, but don’t become complacent with the things that are your light in the darkness.

I normally choose small quotes to be quick and easy to read and people can choose to just scroll on, don’t worry I’m not offended, I scroll past content too 😅. But this quote resonated with me so much this morning.

I need to make sure, every day, that I am not an after thought, I put so much above me and I’m so critical, punishing even it can be exhausting!

I’ve forgiven myself for my past and moving on from that, I’m all good with the mistakes I’ve made, they were mistakes of course but I’m ok and I hold no resentment towards myself anymore.

The second part, enjoying all the little things that life gifts to you every single day, enjoying that incredible big slice of cake, going out and getting caught in the rain, who cares it’s just rain!

I’m definitely silly, I’m kind and I’m extremely weird a lot of the time, but when anyone else is around I shut all of that down, I become an idea of what that person wants me to be, to put it nicely, f**k that. I’m working on it but I’ll be far more ‘me’ over the next day, weeks l, months & years than I have been for the last ten years of my life.

Go on, live a little, you are extraordinary.

It’s very true, it’s dangerous in many ways but overcoming the fear of being alone and dealing with all life’s challenges to be at peace with yourself and be able to live happily with just you is scary because of how peaceful and calm things become.

I’ve lived alone for around a year and a few months now, with lockdown coinciding with events with my marriage and also the fact I work from home and ran a company of just one employee, just me (now 3!), it was a recipe for disaster and what a disaster was, I went down every rabbit hole imaginable and thought and acted on some truly awful thoughts, it wasn’t without the help of people and my inner self fighting for survival that I had to fight this and fight it hard.

I’m now in a place where, after almost 6 months of no alcohol & dealing with my problems head on, I’m more at peace and calm than ever, I enjoy the peace and quiet, the chaos of everything is slipping away and I’m able to really be ok with being just me, my dog is of course my companion for life, that goes without saying!

Find your inner peace and you won’t want for those parts of you to be filled by others because you will be happy with yourself and at peace.

It’s so true, you’ll be told by so many people what to do, where to go, why you shouldn’t do this or that etc.

From my experience people telling me I’ve got a problem for instance didn’t help at all, it felt non constructive, like in business when someone points out the problem but offers no solution, just be told by people just stop drinking the day after a big night.

Like oh, f**k it’s that easy, s**t, guys we’ve figured out the problem, stop drinking. The problem is, as an addict myself, these words that come from people often sound so obvious because it’s what I’ve told myself for years.

After a weekend binge I’d always say, right next weekend I’ll have a weekend off - by 3/4 days into the week I’m feeling great, what problems, that song *I can’t wait for the weekend to begin* starts playing in my head and then it happens again.

Unfortunately for me it took me loosing a hell of a lot to get my sobriety, emotionally and financially, however I’m in a position where I’ve finally done something and continuously doing something about it.

I could look back and go, I wish I listened to this person or that person and did this, but ultimately I seriously doubt I would’ve been able to stop without all these events happening and me listening but finding my own way too.

Not really sure if what I said is accurate to what Mr Downey Jr. Is chatting here but hey, take from these quotes what resonate for you!

Love quotes by Robert Downey Jr, well any person that has been through hell and back and can give us nuggets of wisdom to take with us on our daily journey.

It’s happened, my best friend is my dog, I mean let’s not lie, this has been the case for a while now, but that won’t come as a shock to a lot of people.

My dog Ned has been with me through some of the most difficult times of my life and has been there and helped me mentally get through some challenging times.

Seeing his face every day and the nonsense he does is funny, challenging and rewarding. He’s brought me structure & routine which has allowed me to focus on myself and my own s**t along the way.

I am a single full time doggy dad to a very energetic dog, but that’s the choice I made to have him full time, I get to enjoy the good stuff with him every day, even if he would rather I do nothing but play every day.

Ned, dogs, cats & all animals are a gift to us and a gift to our mental health, it draws you away from your pain long enough for you to be able to reflect and refocus and work on yourself in a constructive way and not sending you down a rabbit hole of your own mind that for me led me to dark places I didn’t want to be.

I don’t know if anyone else finds it the same but I find it hard to switch off and fully relax. I know that with modern technology it is hard to get away from everything, but sometimes I just want to switch off fully & read or not worry about other tasks, jobs etc.

I deliberately make time to relax and I have time to myself where I don’t reply to messages, I put my phone downstairs to charge overnight now too but sometimes I forget and find it next to me 🙈.

I wake up around 5.30am at the moment as I don’t use an alarm, I let my body wake up with the sunrise and see how I feel, go back to sleep or get on and do some things without interruption, I’m finding the hours between 6-9am to be the time I am actually most calm and peaceful as there isn’t any outside influence.

Take time and make time for you, just you, that’s my takeaway, don’t worry about what others are doing or posting, the world won’t collapse for a few hours whilst you chill.

I heard this said to me in different ways yesterday in a group I’m part of. I’m five months sober and doing sh*t tons of hard work focusing on my recovery, working a program, attending mindfulness courses and loads of other things that keep making me a better person and find a deeper understanding of who I am.

After all of that work along with my daily tasks, looking after my amazing dog as a ‘single parent’ and running my own business, it’s all very mentally and physically demanding.

I still find it so hard to reward myself, for the last 18+ years I’ve rewarded myself with alcohol on the weekends after a hard week at work, but then when I have alcohol I reward myself more, buy more things, eat junk food etc. So now I’m sober I find it hard to reward myself with things I did too much of whilst drinking.

I finally had a nap on my sofa, first time in five months, that was awesome actually 😂, I have also ordered a few tasty treats for the weekend ahead and also looking at booking another little trip or even a day trip away for me and the boy.

I do deserve a reward, I’m not a bad person, I did sh*ty things, but I’m a good person and the hard work I’ve been doing just shows that (actions speak louder than words and all that). So yeah, here’s to a reward, because we all could do with one!

Another chapter feels like it has started, with the weather changing and now straight in at mid 20s heat by mid day, it’s feeling more like summer, coupled with lockdown easing and everything pretty much open, events being organised & the summer feeling in my own head.

I need to be careful and remind myself to go at my own pace and not a pace dictated by others.

I went to a physical meeting yesterday which was excellent, great to see people you’ve seen on zoom for months but in person so I did like that and look forward to doing more of that, but not exclusively. I’ll still be wanting to use zoom and other bits I’ve found useful during lockdown and not over exert myself physically or mentally with the strains of various things.

I also got to see most of my family in person for the first time in over a year which was really nice and great to see everyone and how mad we still are 😅. It was nice as we went to the pub too for food which did have a triggering aspect to it (it is a pub after all) but it was alright and I got through it by the work@ I’m doing and putting in it didn’t make me want to pick up a drink that day.

Five months sober today! Cant quite believe it, to be fair I don’t quite believe it most days. The fact I’ve been able to pick myself up out of the rot and give myself this gift and care for myself like never before.

This time last year if the sun was out in a bank holiday I’d definitely have been drinking and also I’d have been to excited to start the weekend off I’d have been drinking on the Thursday and then most likely on the Monday too where I didn’t want it to stop.

Today I’m here having spent yesterday evening relaxing on the sofa, watching Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers (I may have nodded off when Treebeard set the Hobbits down to sleep) I’m up early, cup of tea in hand shortly and will walk my dog, read a book in the garden, I get to see most of my family later for a meal which is very exciting and just make the most of a gorgeous bank holiday Monday.

I’m putting in a lot of work to keep sober and while I don’t crave so much anymore and the physical craving isn’t there, the mental craving or the obsession & habitual behaviours l behind it is, but as long as I keep working for it I’ll be rewarded each day.

Looking through more pictures from the Peak District today, took quite a few by the looks of things! Which is great because I don’t really remember taking them but nice to know I have them.

I had a group meeting last night, it is a regular meeting I attend every Wednesday for an hour and half and can generally be different topics each week but steered towards a recovery focus. I find these great and really valuable, it’s all confidential so I won’t talk about them of course but I do find having them as part of everything else I do valuable to my recovery and keeping me talking and not slipping back into old habits - which we are breaking every day.

Just keep reminding yourself, I do, that I am enough and you are enough.

Baby steps! That’s where I’m still at in my journey, I mean in reality I’m making strides, almost five months sober, working harder, focusing more, relaxing with my dog more often.

I still am rubbish in some aspects - don’t talk to me about the amount of cakes I can consume right now, I think it’s still an emotional response to dealing with all my trauma and past etc. I feel like I can’t give up everything all at once so allow myself things like this to help me deal with the harder stuff until a time comes where I can.

Sometimes it feels like you are taking steps backwards, I certainly do, I felt the last few days quite emotional and was worried I was going backwards but I think it’s because of different factors.

Lockdown feels like it’s almost done, we are doing more things and things I haven’t done before in my new found sobriety, visit friends etc and also dealing with ‘the problem’ whilst still playing highlight reels of my past in my head, but it reminds me to stay vigilant, not be too hard on myself and to go easy, it’s ok to sit and see how far you’ve come and know focus on that one step in front of you.

Sometimes we can get lost in our own head and feel trapped inside four walls not thinking there is anything out there worth going on for or give up on things, feeling hopeless and like you’re damaged.

I promise you that is not the case and if you are feeling like that you are not alone, you are powerful and you do have the gumption to dig really deep within your self to just message or talk to someone and say ‘I don’t think I’m ok’ what you’ll find is that people will be there to help you, it also may not always be the people you thought you would.

Somehow I managed to quote The Holiday and Silence of the Lambs in that last paragraph, it’s a habit I like but also the phrases do echo my sentiment.

I had to dig real deep when things were at there darkest and I’d felt like I’d already worn away at some of the people I’ve messaged and not ‘asked for help’ directly, but I did find that people listened, waited and were there to help, the important thing is you’re seeking it.

I reached out to my family, friends, my ex & during lockdown when things got darker and I was worried about them being further away, I embarrassingly reached out to my neighbours. I admitted to them I was broken, a mess, a drunk and needed help.

It was embarrassing when I sobered up but in truth it is one of the nicest things that could’ve happened. The neighbours I speak to most days when we are outside, we chat and catch up, they did make me a lemon drizzle cake once 😂 I mean that says it all, but they listened at a time when I was down and on my knees and needed that help.

There is always someone ready to listen and ready to help to help you pull yourself back up.