The Cracking Pint Stalybridge

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and that huge snail that lives in Stamford Park duckpond and shouts obscenities at children. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that we will be closed tomorrow, Thursday 20th.

This is due to a large sinkhole which has opened up in our cellar and requires our immediate attention, mainly due to the fact that every time the council sends someone to take a look at it, a bladed, tentacular appendage bursts from the pit and drags them screaming into the depths. We've concocted a plan to placate the insatiable hunger of the beast with a skip load of out of date kebab meat and scotch eggs, so hang tight and we should be open as usual on Friday 21st.

Before anyone asks, this has nothing to do with the Stockport beer festival tomorrow. Nothing at all. This whole pit/tentacle/scotch egg situation is deadly serious and I resent the implication I'd fabricate such a fantastical story just to cover up a cheeky trip to a beer festival. How dare you!

Cheerio!

Good afternoon everyone, hope you're enjoying the Bank Holiday weekend. Just a quick service announcement regarding our opening hours this weekend, which will be as normal except for Bank Holiday Monday, where we will be open from 1pm to 6pm.

Did you get that? 1pm to 6pm Monday, as a cheeky little brucie bonus.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and prepare the sacrifice to Mr. Hopsy, the black rabbit God with a thousand eyes, who emerges from his festering flesh-burrow every Easter to lay his putrid eggs into the mouths of sleeping children everywhere. A five pack of peperami and a can of vimto usually does the job.

Cheerio!

Afternoon all, just a quick apology for the late opening today. Got a flat tire on the way down. We're open as usual until 11.

Cheerio!

Good afternoon all. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I am afraid we are not able to open today (Wednesday 14th).

This is partly due to the works being carried out on the railway bridge, which has disrupted the local ley lines and buggered the flow of magika in the town, causing all manner of arcane jiggery-pokery. Why, only this morning, a level 12 Jabberwocky manifested in our toilets, stole all the bog roll and left the most horrendous floater...

Please bear with us while we get this thaumatalogical nonsense sorted out, and we'll be open tomorrow as per usual.

Cheerio!

Good evening all, hope you are having a pleasant Friday.

Just a quick post to let you know that tomorrow (Sat 3rd) we will be opening at 4pm rather than the usual 1pm. This is due to the work being carried out on the canal, which has disturbed a hitherto unknown species of Plesiosaur which has unfortunately taken up residence in our cellar. Sorry about that.

I know this will come as a crushing blow to some, but rest assured that we will open again just as soon as we have lured the beast out with bacon sandwiches and smooth jazz. Should be open at 4pm, but you know how cantankerous Plesiosairs can get.

Cheerio!

Good evening ladies, gentlemen and assorted homunculi of Stalybridge and regions beyond. First off, let me wish you all a slight belated Happy New Year! Hope you are all nestling snugly into the warm, comforting bosom of 2024, which is already miles better than last year by simple virtue of not being 2023. May I tempt you all with our beer selection this weekend?

Anarchy: Blonde Star- smooth blonde ale, 4.1%

Hophurst: Cosmati- refreshing US Pale, 4.2%

Vocation: Pride and Joy- Fruity golden ale, 4.8%

Hope to see you this weekend, now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to work on my Shakespearean stage adaptation of the film Alien, starring Judi Dench as Ripley, Ian McKellen as the titular alien and Bembledenk Crumblepatch as the ships cat.

Cheerio!

Good afternoon all. Just a quick post to let you know our Xmas opening hours:

Xmas Eve: 1pm to 11pm
Xmas Day: CLOSED
Boxing Day: CLOSED

Wednesday 27th: 4pm to 11pm
Thursday 28th: 4pm to 11pm
Friday 29th: 4pm to 11pm
Saturday 30th: 1pm to 11pm
New Year’s Eve: 1pm to 8pm
New Year’s Day: CLOSED
Tuesday 2nd: CLOSED

Wednesday 3rd: Back to normal hours!

Good evening all. Well, the festive season closes in on us with grim inexorability, like a naked Boris Johnson barrelling towards a co***ne buffet, but fear not, for the Cracking Pint has a range of delicious beers specially brewed to help remove that horrific image from your brain-cogs. Behold!

Lancaster: Blonde- Lovsly smooth blonde ale. 4%
Salopian: Push- Refreshing session Pale. 3.9%
Millstone: True Grit- John Wayne not included. 5%

Hope to see you this weekend, and did you know that the entity we now know as Santa Claus was originally a saxon war God said to terrorise his foes atop a flame-spewing skeletal reindeer. His followers ritually daubed themselves crimson with the blood of their enemies, binding them in barbed chains that closely resembled Holly leaves and taking grisly trophies such as eyes and fingers to give as gifts to their families and friends, thus honouring their people and their dark, bloodthirsty God.

Fascinating... Anyway, cheerio!

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. How are you today? Good? Bad? Infested by flesh-eating parasitic worms? Well, nothing a nice beer won't cure!

Hophurst: Mellors Blonde, 3.9%
Juggernaut: All Day Citra, 4.2%
Abbeydale: Absolution, 5.3%

Hope to see you this weekend, and I would just like to invite you to imagine a world where birds had Human mouths and teeth. Go on: Imagine it. Wonderous isn't it? Yet horrifying as well. But what a world it would be. What a world...

Cheerio!

Evening all. Just a quick post letting you know that we are opening at 11am tomorrow for Remembrance Sunday.

Hope to see you tomorrow. Cheerio.

Good evening ladies, gentlemen and distinguished members of the clergy. Just dropping you a quick message to say that a suspicious item of clothing has been discovered this evening. We deduce that this is either an Ogre's loincloth, a communal tent for a family of Goblins, or a regular Human jacket. I remain uncertain, but the smart money's on the loincloth.

Anyway, the item will be held for approximately one Human week before being chucked into the forest as an offering to the fae folk.

Cheerio!

Good evening all, hope you recovered from MAXIMUM SPOOK last week and are preparing yourselves for the next challenge: MAXIMUM CHRIMBO. The legends say that after cessation of the spooky season, Noddy Holder will rouse himself from his tumorous flesh-cocoon deep in the vast, pulsing heart at the center of the Earth and begin burrowing through the meat and viscera of our planet towards the surface. In a few months, he will burst forth in a shower of gore and proclaim to the startled onlookers "It's Christmaaassss!" before retreating to his nest for another year. Fortunately, there is still time to prepare for this grisly seasonal spectacle, so gird your loins, Grit your teeth and behold this weekends beer selection.

Kirkstall Pale: Lovely session ale. 4%.
Vocation: Bread & Butter. Fruity and smooth. 3.9%
Ossett: Excelsius. Hoppy IPA. 5.2%

And coming soon:
Ossett: Yorkshire Blonde
Hophurst: Cosmati
Wily Fox: Karma Citra
We Are Wolf: WC Pale

Hope to see you this weekend, and remember: The planet we call Earth is but a vast sphere of meat and bone spinning around the void of space and we are naught but ticks burrowing into it's festering flesh. So, good news, right?

Anyway, cheerio!

Good afternoon guys, gals and ghouls. It's that time of the year again when SPOOK doth happen. Are you prepared for SPOOK? I hope so, for here at the Cracking Pint, we have acquired a pumpkin, some fluff resembling cobwebs and a giant paper spider in order to achieve MAXIMUM SPOOK. Are your loins sufficiently girded to withstand MAXIMUM SPOOK? I hope so, because even the infamous Alistair Crowley (what went on in your head?) balked in the face of MAXIMUM SPOOK. Anyway, beers and so forth:

Hophurst- APA- fruity US Pale, 5.2%
Millstone- Tiger Rut- You know this one... 4%
Abbeydale- Dr. Morton's Demon Drink- refreshing session ale, 4.2%

Hope to see you this weekend, and while we're on the subject of Alistair Crowley (did you talk to the dead?), did you know his brother Neville came up with the idea of button-up flies on trousers? Not as flashy as his big brother, but in many ways, just as evil.

Cheerio!

Good afternoon all, hope you are all proceeding splendiferously. Just a quick post to restore a forgotten institution: The Friday Beer Post Thingy. Once a regular occurrence, and sadly forgotten in times of strife and plague, but now hatching anew like the larvae of a parasitic wasp, ready to devour the still -living body of a hapless caterpillar. Lovely.

This week, we have on;

Kirkstall: Pale (4%)
Blackedge: Hop (3.8%)
Millstone: True Grit (5%)

And coming soon...

Abbeydale: Moonshine (4.2%)
Wily Fox: Crafty Fox (4%)
Blackedge: Brewers Gold (3.9%)
Vocation: Pride and Joy (4.8%)

Hope to see you this weekend, and may I take this opportunity to announce our new range of sushi rolls locally sourced from the canal next door. The stickleback and crisp bag surprise is particularly delicious....

Cheerio!

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and assorted blood sacks of planet Earth and welcome to the fabled August Bank Holiday. Here we remember the infamous murder of Grigori "Ra Ra" Rasputin who, legend has it, survived being poisoned, shot and drowned, only to be force-fed pickled onions until his foul breath literally melted his own head off. Proper mad lad.

Anyway, just letting you know in an ever so friendly and not at all threatening manner that, in addition to our usual opening hours, we will be open this Bank holiday Monday from 1pm to 6pm. That's 1pm to 6pm.

Did you get that? 1pm to 6pm. You bloody well better had. I'm not saying it again. Oh go on then... 1pm to 6pm.

Hope you have a pleasant weekend, and remember: Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Unless it's falling into a big pit of slugs. Nobody's coming out of that better off.

Cheerio !

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and the mysterious, one-armed wild men of Saddleworth Moor. Just dropping you a quick message to inform you that, due to the imminent awakening of the squirming, soul rending terror known to mortal tongues as The Defiler of Graves, we will not be opening tomorrow (Thursday 22nd). Unfortunately, we must prepare the unholy ritual to lull this amorphous flesh eating nightmare back to it's thousand year slumber with a grand sacrifice of Greggs sausage rolls.

This is absolutely 100% true and has nothing to do with the Stockport beer festival tomorrow. Nothing at all. Stop looking at me like that.

Anyway, please accept our apologies, and rest assured that normal business will resume on Friday. I'll leave with an interesting fact: Greggs delicious sausage rolls are made with a minimum of 87% Human flesh, making them perfect for a snack, luncheon or for feeding to a hungering monstrosity from the deepest abyss. Interesting, no?

Cheerio!

Evening all, just a quick reminder that the Cracking Pint is open for Bank Holiday Monday tomorrow, from 1pm to 6pm. You know, in case you fancy a drink. Like people often do.

Anyway, if you are unwilling or unable to call in tomorrow, then why not creep into the toy ailse of your local supermarket and stuff the cuddly toys full of rotting meat? It'll be an important life lesson for the kiddies. Or something.

Cheerio!

Good afternoon peasants, serfs and groundlings of the UK! Hopefully you are all enjoying the coronionation of of our beloved King Charles and are veritably erupting with delicious and patriotic juices.

Just dropping in to mention our royally appointed opening hours this Bank holiday weekend:

Sunday: 1pm to 6pm.
Monday: 1pm to 6pm.
Tuesday: Closed.
Wednesday: Open as usual.

Right then, we hope you all a splendid weekend, now get back to waving those tiny flags. Wave 'em, damn you!
Cheerio!

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and the marauding swarm of flesh-eating wasps known only as "The Many". Welcome to the May Bank Holiday, where we commemorate that fateful day in 1743 when the nefarious frenchie Napoleon Bonaparte stole the month of May from the British Mueseum, towed it back to France and had his wicked way with it. Hence the origin of the nautical phrase "Mayday". Fascinating stuff, no?

Historical nonsense aside, just letting you know our Bank Holiday opening times for this... Well, this Bank holiday:

Saturday: 1pm to 11pm.
Sunday: 1pm to 9pm (last orders 8.30).
Monday: 1pm to 6pm.
Tuesday: Closed.
Wednesday: Open as usual.

We hope you all have a splendid weekend, but amongst the frolicing and general revelry, do remember to give thanks to Rod Stewart and his heroic rescue of May from the clutches of the dastardly French, a feat immortalised in the smash hit song "Maggie May". Yep, he really is that old.

Cheerio!

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and the squirming parasitic creatures that are currently eating their way through your lower intestines. Today marks the beginning of Easter, that special time of year where the terrifying Man/Rabbit hybrid known as Jesus stalks the countryside, laying warm chocolate eggs in inconvenient places and nailing helpless victims to planks of wood in a brutal rampage of revenge. So why not celebrate this holiday with us at the Cracking Pint, with our extra special Easter opening hours!

That's right, this Sunday we'll be open 1pm to 9pm,
And we'll be open Monday from 1pm to 6pm.

The downside to this is that we won't be open on Wednesday the 12th in order to observe our own twisted religious festival simple known as: 'The Sanguine Feast'. But hey, we'll be open as usual on the Thursday, provided we can get all the blood cleaned up in time...

With that, we hope to see you this weekend, and may you all have a splendid time of it.
Cheerio!

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen, assorted simians, and of course: The faceless, creeping spawn of the ravening Black Star (especially them). I hope everything is proceeding efficiently, pleasantly and above all else, surreptitiously.

Just a quick message to inform you that, due to the cellar becoming infested with flesh eating, flame spewing Demonic Snails (yes, they're a thing, look it up) we'll be opening at the slightly later time of 4pm tomorrow in order to call the fire brigade, pest control and the Vatican, in that order. But hopefully we'll be serving complimentary unholy escargot in the evening, so there's that I suppose.

Sorry for the inconvenience, and if you couldn't be bothered sifting through that unadulterated rubbish for pertinent info, here are the cliff notes:

"Cracking Pint, opening later tomorrow at 4pm, snails".

Anyway, hope you all have a good weekend.
Cheerio!

Good evening Ladies, Gentlemen, and unspeakable sub-human troglodytes, and welcome to the exciting new gameshow we call Christmas 2022! Can you manage your finances carefully enough to buy presents, keep yourself drunk enough to endure the holiday season all while somehow saving enough money to actually put the heating on? Can you hell as like, but we're here to help you try! Well, when it comes to the drinking part, anyway. So please find enclosed our Christmassy styled opening times:

Christmas Eve: 1.00pm to 11.00pm
Christmas Day: CLOSED.
Boxing Day: CLOSED.
Mon 26th: CLOSED.
Tue 27th: CLOSED.

Wed 28th: 4.00pm to 11.00pm.
Thur 29th: 4.00pm to 11.00pm
Fri 30th: 4.00pm to 11.00pm.
New Years Eve: 1.00pm to 7.00pm.
New Years Day: CLOSED.

After that, we'll be reopening for the new year on Wednesday the 4th with the usual hours. So, have your self a bowel-rupturingly good non-specific Holiday season, and remember: In German folklore, Santa Claus punishes naughty children by commanding his reindeers to bite them, thus turning them into horrific, ravening Were-Reindeers doomed to butcher and devour their own families and friends in an frenzy of bloodlust every full moon. So bloody well behave yourselves, alright?

Cheerio, and have a good Christmas!

Evening all, hope you are having a pleasant Friday evening. Just letting you know that someone has left a yellow bag here, containing a coat and what appears to be... a giraffe.
Yeah. A giraffe.

Anyway, we'll keep hold of said herbivore and other articles if you want to come claim them. Otherwise they'll be handed over to the bomb squad and disposed of explosively, which is a terrible thing to do to a giraffe.

Cheerio!

Afternoon all. Just letting you know that we'll be opening a bit earlier at 12.00 for Remembrance Sunday tomorrow. We'll be be closing at six as usual.

Cheerio!

Afternoon all, just letting you know that, shock horror, we'll actually be opening as usual today and hopefully for the rest of the week. In short: normal service is resumed. Huzzah, etc!

Cheerio!

Good aftermorningnoon everyone, hope you've enjoyed the weekend thus far. Now, in a turn of events that won't be surprising to anyone possessing the capacity for basic pattern recognition, we.... won't be opening this Sunday.

Still feeling ill, boo hiss boo, and so on and so on.

For the third and hopefully final time, please accept our humblest apologies for not opening today. We are starting to come round, so with a bit of luck we can open up on Wednesday next week as usual (I'll keep you all informed), but please understand that this bug has been, to quote Sir David Attenborough, "An absolute effing bastard that can p**s all the way off", and we wouldn't have closed for a whole weekend if it wasn't necessary.

Sorry again, and we hope to see you next week when, hopefully, normal service will be resumed. But before I forget, I do have some useful advice for you all: If you do get ill, try not to get ill.

Cheerio!

Good afternoon all, we hope your weekend is proceeding splendidly, blendidly and above all else, open-endidly.

Now, the good news is that whilst the molecular cohesion of the universe remains intact today, allowing reality as we Humans perceive it to remain relatively constant (insofar as our meagre senses can detect, of course), the bad news is that we aren't opening again today. I'm afraid this damnable lurgy has got the better of us this weekend and it doesn't show signs of abatement.

Hopefully we'll be able to open on Sunday, but in the mean time, please accept our genuine apologies for closing today, and we hope you have a nice Saturday.

Cheerio, all.

Afternoon all. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but unfortunately we will be closed today (Fri 28th) due to a bout of illness. Hopefully, we'll be open as usual on Saturday, but watch this space for updates and in the mean time, please accept our sincerest apologies for the inconvenience.

Sorry again, and enjoy your weekend.

Good evening assorted lunatics, beasts and unspeakable mutant horrors that we tentatively call humanity. Just dropping you a friendly and not at all threatening message that we will be doing our usual opening hours this bank holiday weekend. Why? To conserve electricity, of course. You may scoff, but come the great power famine in October, we'll have saved up buckets of the stuff and we'll live like Kings! Kings, says I!

In the mean time, why not celebrate our Town of Culture award by visiting the famous "Dead Rat of Back Melbourne Street"? It's literally oozing with festering juices of a cultural nature.

Anyway, cheerio, and have a good Bank Holiday!