Bea Marshall - Parenting Expert & Energy Therapist

Over the years one of the main objections to Yes Parenting has been, "But how will the child learn to respect when someone says 'No'?"

Do you know how many times a day a child hears the word 'No' or a variation of it such as 'don't'?

One study suggested it was twelve instances of No for every Yes.

I've read elsewhere that the figure, for small children especially, is about 400 times per day.

Here's what happens when you hear a word repeatedly and frequently...

It loses its meaning.

We've all had that experience when we say a word a little too much in a conversation and suddenly the word sounds all wrong to us.

It's a strange and funny experience that I quite enjoy.

The thing with raising your child is that you want 'No' to be meaningful.

When you say No you want them to hear it and respond quickly.

As your child grows you want them to have confidence in their own use of No.

Part of that is down to how often you've used No and part of that is down to how well you respect and honour your child's No.

Your child's success with consent - choosing when to give it and respecting someone else's - is largely down to their relationship with No.

And I'm not just talking about consent in terms of sexual intimacy.

Consent around their choices with how they spend their time, how they respond to ci******es, alcohol, drugs.

Consent when it comes to knowing whether a workplace situation is OK or whether a friendship is good for them.

Of course other factors are at play in all these but your child's finely tuned sensitivity to the word No and the clear feeling of No in their body becomes deadened over time when they hear that word too much.

Conversely, finding a Yes in all sorts of situations not only gives your child extraordinary skills to navigate what comes up in life but also gives them clarity when it comes to No - their own or someone else's.

Almost every adult I know has struggled with saying No in one or more areas of their life.

It's a skill that we shouldn't need to learn as grown-ups.

And if we honour the power of No in the way we raise our child then this won't be their story.

I watch my sons, now 18 and almost 20, and their No is strong and clear.

What's more - they hear No from someone else and they respond quickly and appropriately.

What's your relationship with No?

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I've been working with a new therapist recently.

It has blown my mind (to the point I'm half considering training in a new modality).

In my session yesterday a familiar physical sensation showed up in my body.

It took on a strong visual image which I've known it as before.

I felt physically sick as I connected to this sensation and experience within my body.

Black, oh-so-sticky, tar-like, treacly, viscous, dense, spreading gunk moving up through my solar plexus into my throat and mouth.

The therapist took me through a process where I got to destroy it in a way that felt powerful for me.

Today I can't feel it at all.

I can remember it but I can't bring this sensation into my experience like I would have been able to before.

The session before, I asked my therapist what happens to the cells in the body that are holding the trauma when we re-wire the brain's response using this technique.

He explained it in terms of homeostasis.

The body has to balance out a change in one area with a change in another.

When we rewire the brain to have a completely different response to a trauma, the cells return to a healthy state to bring balance.

By the way, trauma is not what has happened to you, it's what happens in your body as a result of what's happened to you.

Trauma leads to dis-ease in our bodies and minds.

So if we clear the dis-ease of a trauma in our brain then our body has to follow up with a matching response.

So powerful.

The same happens in our parenting.

When we make a change in one area of our relationship with our child then our child changes to balance it out.

Like in a dance.

If one dance partner changes their step then the other dance partner must respond accordingly otherwise the dance falls apart.

Yes Parenting guides us to make changes that inspire and support homeostatic changes in our child's behaviour or our relationship with our child.

We don't have to change our child to change our parenting experience.

I love this about Yes Parenting.

Our child gets to be fully themselves and to grow up in their own timing.

We get to find lots of Yeses along the way that support and guide this.

Your parenting can create a dance of conflict, disconnection, lack of trust and loss of respect.

Or it can create joy, peace, connection and ease.

You get to choose what you want to say Yes to.

I've been practising Yes Parenting for well over a decade and yesterday was the first time I understood it in terms of homeostasis and the balancing dance our Yeses create.

I love that I'm learning more every day.

I also love that you're here with me on this journey.

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Sunday thoughts on a Monday!

On Sundays I share whatever thoughts flow from me in no particular order.

People seem to love these emails so take what feels good for you and leave the rest.

Also, I’d love it if you hit reply and tell me what resonates with you most.

1. Coming away in our motorhome has shown me just how much water I use and how much waste (poo and wee not rubbish) I create. Yet I take the processes that deal with fresh water and waste management for granted every day. Seeing something from a different perspective can be a powerful support to make personal changes.

2. My friend and I walked to the top of the hill to watch the sunset last night. It was stunning - I was in awe that somewhere in the world there is always the most incredible piece of art across the skies. We live in * without even realising it.

3. I met a man yesterday who chooses to work in a warehouse to give him the freedom to teach the Quran to children every afternoon. Are you making choices that give you the freedom to live in a way that is a Yes to you?

4. I barely got any sleep because I was chatting and laughing with my friend until about 3am. I haven’t had a girly sleepover like that in years and it was so much fun. A HUGE Yes to joy, peace, connection and ease.

5. Your body remembers everything that has ever happened to you even if your mind doesn’t. Some of that will influence the wonderful patterns in your life and some will influence the painful patterns in your life. Just because you can’t remember what happened doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you.

6. I’ve been making time for intentional rest - activities such as Constructive Rest (an Alexander Technique Practice), Yin Yoga and Yoga Nidra. I am learning just how much rest I need that isn’t met by flopping on the sofa in front of a TV show.

7. One of my friends moves through life super slow and yet she is a Mum of two teenagers, works and does all the cleaning, laundry, life admin etc that the rest of us do. She teaches me, every day, that slowing down is absolutely possible which invites me to ask myself the question, “What is it about going slowly that I resist so much?”.

8. I’m learning how to give myself pretty nails that last longer than 24 hours. These early stages of learning are frustrating and full of errors but I’m getting better with practice. Whenever you make a change or learn something new there is a period of challenge as you develop new skills and habits - remember why you’re making the change to resource you for the bumpy start.

9. Thank you for reading my words and trusting me with your email - it is such a pleasure for me to write to you each day.

10. These are the best of days.

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Love Bea x

Quick Links A list of the most searched for links to access Bea Marshall's support, products and memberships.

I rarely wear makeup.

Perhaps a little bit of lipstick and a coat of mascara if I'm dressing up.

Occasionally a smudge of smoky eye shadow.

When I was a teen I bought some bright blue eyeshadow.

I loved that eyeshadow.

I was aware that most other people used browns and greys and taupe (whatever colour that actually is).

Bright blue excited me.

Yes it was very '80s and I didn't care.

I loved what I loved.

I must have lost that eyeshadow along the way.

Haven't actually thought about it in a long time and who knows why it came to me this morning.

That bright blue eyeshadow was such a definite Yes to joy.

Why am I telling you this?

Because life gets busy and when you add parenting into the mix your attention has to focus on your child.

It is easy to let the things that delight you, that are a Yes to joy, fade into the background.

And it happens without you noticing until one day you remember them.

That bright blue eyeshadow is so vivid and real in my mind that it could easily be sitting in my box of make-up in the bathroom right now.

Finding a Yes is so often a small thing.

And many small things add up.

Maybe, now, I'll keep an eye out for bright blue eyeshadow so I can add it back into my life.

What small things have delighted you in the past that you might have forgotten about?

How easy would it be to invite that Yes to joy back into your life?

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When my firstborn was still tiny I was putting him in his car seat and I couldn't do the straps up. Someone must have adjusted them and the only person that could have done that was my then-husband. We weren't using the car seat regularly because it was generally easier to pop him in a sling or use the pushchair. I felt so frustrated that the car seat straps were shorter.

Why on earth would my then-husband have done that? When he responded to my calls to come and help me he insisted that he hadn't touched the straps. There was a bit of increasingly, on my part, dysregulated upset before he said, "Do you think it could just be that he's grown?" "Surely he can't have grown that much," I remember saying. But sure enough he had grown.

This baby, who never even fit the newborn clothing size, was already growing out of his 0-3 month garments and he was still only a few weeks old. I just didn't expect change to happen so quickly. The moment I got my head around something it would change. Sometimes we'd be flowing with peace and ease because things were as I expected them to be and then... boom... it changed again.

While I adjusted to the new ways of things we lost that peace and ease. The rate of change slows as our children grow but it is always happening. It's an adventure of swings and roundabouts as we respond to who our child is in each moment - baby, toddler, tween, adolescent, young adult and beyond. The thing that will never change in parenting is that our child is always changing.

Even with almost twenty years of parenting practice this unpredictable change can still be jarring for me. The best way to find a Yes to this unavoidable change is to lean into it much like you lean with the direction the swing or the roundabout takes you. There's a very specific, and delightful, way you move your body to respond to the movement of a swing as you go forwards and back.

When you lose the rhythm of that movement the change in direction of the swing jars your whole body. When this happens to me I always want to stop and get off straight away. What actually helps most is to take a moment or two to adjust my body's movement back into the rhythm of the swing and keep going. The jarring that was reverberating through my body ebbs away and I reconnect with how good a swing can feel.

And so it is with parenting - the changes are inevitable and they may take you suddenly in a different direction. Find your Yes by leaning into the change with whatever adjustments you need to make. After that first experience of the car seat straps being too short, it was an easy fix every time it happened thereafter.

That particular change became a normal part of life and I knew how to make the adjustments with ease. Sometimes the swing goes too high or the roundabout goes too fast. It's OK to take your time finding your way with it.

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I had no idea what I would write today and, having been awake since 3am (unnecessarily), then out early to host an in-person event, I'm just now sitting down at my laptop.

Jesus popped into my head.

Toddler Jesus to be precise.

I saw him having a big emotional outpouring (aka a tantrum but I prefer to avoid that word) and expressing his emotions in very physical ways.

And here's what I wondered...

As Mary, knowing this child is the literal son of God, do you parent him differently?

Do you somehow find unconditional patience and tolerance from somewhere?

Does knowing his divinity mean you're more stressed out - because the stakes are so much higher - or does it lend itself to being far more chilled because you trust that there's some bigger force taking care of your cock-ups?

And would Mary have automatically dealt with Jesus with the highest levels of respect because she knew that, as well as being fully human, he was fully God?

I received a lovely reply to an earlier email this week reminding me about the time I invited them to consider how they might parent their child differently if their child was a god.

They said it had stayed with them as an ongoing reminder to offer the deepest respect to this developing human who was doing their best to work out the world.

I don't remember offering that invitation but it does sound like the sort of left-field thing I'd say.

So, what about you?

How do you think it affected Mary's parenting, knowing that Jesus was God?

And what, if anything, would you change about your own parenting if your child was a god?

Do hit reply and share your thoughts if you want to.

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Sunday thoughts on a Monday!

Every Sunday morning I share whatever thoughts want to flow out from me in no particular order with my email list.

People seem to really like these emails so I’ve started sharing them here on Facebook.

Take what feels good for you and leave the rest.

1. Sometimes you’ll fall down. Maybe literally and maybe figuratively but either way it will really hurt. And it’s OK to cry and give in to the initial shock. When you’re ready begin to move again, move towards support and care.

2. A night in nature, even if you don’t sleep well, is a night well spent.

3. One day your child will be an adult and it will happen in the blink of an eye - it’s impossible to grasp that when you’re in the midst of days that feel like they’ll never end. Notice each moment.

4. Weirdly the counterintuitive approach is often the the most effective one - poisinging the body to heal cancer, putting ice on an injury when it craves warmth, drinking a hot drink to cool you down on a hot day. Where are you receiving counterintuitive nudges that you’re dismissing because it’s not what everyone else does?

5. Make friends with people who make you laugh and with whom you can be your fullest, boldest most authentic self. These are the people who will be there for the good times as well as the bad.

6. In every moment you are enough and your very existence is an intricate and perfectly formed part of nature.

7. They say you never wash in the same river twice. I also think you never meet the same person twice, including your child. Be curious about the changes and notice where you make assumptions.

8. Check in with yourself about whether you are finding a Yes to your own needs as a priority. If it’s a struggle then how can you find a Yes to just 1% more of what you need? Start there.

9. The to-do list never ends. Neither does the ta-da list. What would happen if you shifted your attention to all the things you do manage to create, produce or complete and celebrate those things?

10. These are the best of days.

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Love Bea x

Quick Links A list of the most searched for links to access Bea Marshall's support, products and memberships.

A couple of days ago I asked my 18-year-old if he would be willing to bring in the bins. We live in a row of four terraced houses and one person, it doesn't matter who, takes care of all four bins if they are the ones to put them out or bring them in. Jos was more than happy to do it. He pulled on his shoes and out he went. And then he seemed to be back in just as quickly.

I asked if he'd brought all four bins in and he said, "Nah. It started raining." I laughed and thanked him for bringing in one bin. Then I sent a message to the neighbours' WhatsApp group and shared that Jos had good intentions to bring in all four bins but, alas, the rain had started and that was him done for the day. One neighbour replied immediately, finding it funny, saying he was planning to do it anyway so now his job was smaller.

I then shared this story with someone else and they didn't see the funny side. They also didn't see the positive side that I saw - that Jos was more than happy to do the job in the first place. Nor did they see that Jos demonstrated self-advocacy when something wasn't OK for him and, in this instance, rain was that thing. How we see things is important. Can we observe our child's choices and actions with unconditional positive regard?

Can we see their choices and trust that it's right for them even if we would make a different choice? Can we accept that their experience is different to ours? There is always more than one way to see a situation and a Yes to joy, peace, connection and ease is to look for the parts where our child did their best. Perhaps there is something in their way that teaches us something.

And if you notice you tend towards seeing your child in a negative way, can you soften into what might be going on in you to cause that? Every behaviour has a positive intention - let's find a Yes to it.

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I did a thing this week. Unexpected, unplanned and totally impulsive. I bought an air fryer. Over the last year more and more of my friends have acquired this piece of kitchen technology and I've been curious. I've asked loads of questions and consistently heard the same responses. Essentially, their air fryer is the best thing ever.

They use it every day. They absolutely love their air fryer. I thought it was a fad but that's not what my friends' experiences are suggesting. So when a great offer landed in my lap I just went for it. It arrived yesterday and it is HUGE! I didn't think to check how big it was and how well it might fit in my kitchen before I bought it.

I just knew that this was my time. And I used it for the first time last night to cook jacket potatoes. Well! Let me tell you, the jacket potatoes had crispy skins and soft, fluffy insides. Perfection! I have a lot of discovery and learning to do (alongside working out where it can live when not in use).

And I am both excited and a little daunted. I so want this to be a good buying decision and to feel the same about my air fryer as my friends do about theirs. Why am I telling you this? Because Yes Parenting probably feels the same at first.

Exciting and daunting. How will it work for our family? What difference will it make? Where is it going to fit into our daily lives and rhythms? What is the first thing to approach with Yes Parenting? Will I make the most of it?

What if it's just a fad and a waste of time and energy? I hear you. I get it. There's no rush to jump into Yes Parenting. In fact, jumping in feet first isn't the best way anyway. Better to take your time, get a feel for it through my emails.

Try a little bit here and there when something I share resonates with you. I don't know what the parenting equivalent of a perfect jacket potato is but I know it's possible. One Mum couldn't believe how Yes Parenting eliminated bedtime frustrations with just one small tweak. Another Mum discovered that Yes Parenting transformed whining.

A Dad I worked with used Yes Parenting to turn his son's football losses into connection and confidence. Yes Parenting has 100% been the best thing I ever did for my family.

⭐️Want to receive daily reflections and wisdom straight to your inbox? Subscribe here www.beamarshall.com/quick-links ⭐️

Sunday thoughts on a Monday!

Every Sunday morning I share whatever thoughts want to flow out from me in no particular order with my email list.

People seem to really like these emails so I’ve started sharing them here on Facebook.

Take what feels good for you and leave the rest.

1. I don't often eat pizza because of my dietary requirements. Last night was one of the rare occasions I made one for myself and I flipping loved it. I need to find more Yes to pizza in my life.

2. I'm looking out at the gardens I can see from my office window and my neighbour's garden is full of colourful flowers and mine is mostly green plants. Both are beautiful and thriving - your life doesn't need to look like someone else's and nor does your child's.

3. At Women's Circle on Friday evening we honoured our fathers and mothers and who we are as father and mother to others. As a single Mama I have had to be in both roles for the majority of my boys' lives and if you are a single parent then I honour the intensity and cost of that path for you. May you receive the support you need from expected and unexpected sources.

4. Prioritise time in nature even if it is just finding a tree you love in your local park. Nature is so good for us.

5. Sometimes your child will develop in leaps and bounds and sometimes they will seem stuck or even moving backwards. Both are happening in the right way at the right time. Keep trusting the process of childhood.

6. Just because some people are Olympic gold medal winners doesn't mean we should all try to be one. Be you. Find a Yes to who you are and be the best version of that.

7. When an emotional storm rolls in don't try and carry on as normal. You wouldn't do that if an actual storm rolled in. You'd change some plans, dig out extra resources and wait for the storm to pass, knowing that it will do just that.

8. Your child is watching you all the time. You can influence them with your words but how you live your life and what you do will impact them much more. Be the change you wish to see in your child.

9. Spend time with people who make you laugh. I didn't realise how important that was until I met my Darling. Laughter is powerful medicine.

10. These are the best of days.

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Love Bea x

Quick Links A list of the most searched for links to access Bea Marshall's support, products and memberships.

In the years between my parenting lightbulb moment and actually settling into what is now known as Yes Parenting I sought out people who could teach me a different way. There wasn't the wealth of content that is out there now. I had to find Yahoo groups or go to the library. And in those spaces were amazing sources of information that helped me rethink how to raise my boys.

Moving away from techniques such as naughty steps and star charts asked me to rethink everything the mainstream (books, media and local family support services) were telling me was best. I deeply appreciate and value the multiple voices that shaped my new understanding and practice. But my greatest teachers? My sons. I had to let them show me the best way to parent them.

I had to let them reveal the handbook they each had inside of them - the "how to" guide to parenting. My sons have been my greatest teachers on my parenting journey. But only because I let them be. Sandra Dodd, one of the people I learned a lot from, says, "Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch." And in the waiting and the watching I let my sons teach me.

I trusted them and tweaked things accordingly. Yes Parenting emerged and, despite how different my sons are from each other, it worked for both of them. And then it worked for other families I shared it with. And then it worked for families around the world. Are you willing to let your child be your greatest teacher?

To try a little Yes Parenting, wait a while, watch and let them feedback how it is for them? Are you willing to let them be themselves and to parent them so they can be the most 'themselves' that's possible? Can you let your child reveal their own "how to" guide to parenting that lives within them? And can you then say Yes to that? I believe you can.

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Yesterday I returned home from an appointment (I’m discovering Alexander Technique) and Jos called down that a package arrived.

Not just any old package though.

The package.

A labour of love in more ways than one.

A few years ago I had the idea to create a photobook when each of my sons turned 18.

Ahead of Peep’s birthday I gathered photos and messages from family and god/life parents then used an online service to create a stunning photobook.

It took hours and hours plus tears and metaphorical banging my head against a brick wall.

I’ve recently completed the same process for Jos who turned 18 in March.

I kept a vague tally of how many hour it took.

Twenty.

Can you believe it?

That’s a lot of hours to fit around daily life.

So when the package arrived yesterday I couldn’t wait to open it and look through.

It is amazing.

Page after page shows the unfolding of Jos’ life from his first minutes right through to this year.

The photobook was a labour of love just like my mothering role in his life.

Seeing your child’s life set out before you showing image after image of joy, peace, connection and ease is an incredible thing.

Not all the photos are happy and full of smiles.

There are poorly photos where he is curled up into my body sound asleep with pink fevered cheeks.

Pain-filled photos when he’s broken a bone and his Dad has painted amazing designs on the cast that he (Jos not his Dad) wanted to show off.

Awkward photos of his adolescent experience while those first twelve or so years turn to mush, like a caterpillar in its cocoon, ahead of the emergence of his glorious adult self.

Tomorrow evening his Dad is coming over so we can give it to him together.

The package that arrived yesterday is the story of the package Jos embodies as he steps into the world as a young adult.

Not yet the full package - if any of us ever actually arrive there - but a package that is full to the brim of such richness and depth.

Your parenting days may feel long but the years are short.

You are filling those days with so many wonderful moments and each one is weaving into your child’s story.

I know that some days are harder than others.

Some days feel unbearable.

And it is all worth it.

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