The Real Me At Last

"ONE STEP AT A TIME"
I still climb alot of mountains that the Lord puts in my way and as I tiptoe on His journey I always hear The Lord God say,
"DON'T WORRY YOU ARE SAFE HERE, THIS IS JUST PART OF THE PLAN", for God knows I'll struggle on His path as I'm a weak and sinful man.
Some days seem to flow along and some too hard to bear, but whatevs the Lord is with me and of my burdens He'll take care.
God doesn't make it easy, though He could without a doubt, but what lessons would I ever learn if I gave in and just bailed out?
Although on times I do hold back and appear to lose will, I'm just doing what the good book says and trying to be still.
Now I know the world don't get it but that's what gets me through and sometimes doing nothing is the only thing to do.
So I can get back on that mountain stronger than before with the Lord there climbing with me and He will be evermore.

"SWANSEA BAY REVISITED"
I can't hear the sounds of freedom that once helped through each day, the world has gone and drowned them out and washed the innocence away.
The promise that I made to me all those years before came back to haunt me in my sleep and opened up the door.
The only thing I have to do is step one foot outside and get back down to Swansea bay or safely stay inside and hide.
Though being safes not really safe it's just giving into fear, so it's upto me to find those sounds that once I loved to hear.
While I've tried to not fit in again I over did the fitting out and that's not the plan God had for me, of that I have no doubt.
I know what's wrong I know what's right I know what should be done, but knowing stuff and doing it sometimes don't blend into one.
So now I've thought about it and written down each thought I can finally bring it back to God and use the lessons that He taught and when in time I do go back and sit on Swansea bay, again I'll hear those sounds of freedom that will get me through each blessed day.

..."I'M STILL HERE"...
VERSE 1:
I've got a pain that just won't heal
Feelings of love you're meant to heal
Happy memories of the past that I hope will always last
But incase they fade away
We'll make new memories day by day
Faith in you I'll always hold and pray your love does not go cold.
CHORUS:
I'm still here I'm still here
The promise that I made to you
Trust me please it still rings true
I'm still here.
VERSE 2:
Someone else my lips won't kiss
Your kisses sweet I always miss
Your smile that starts off each new day
I pray I'll always see that way
You bring out the love in me
See me as only you can see
You give new meaning to my life and take away my pain and strife.
CHORUS:
I'm still here I'm still here
Each word of love to you I've meant
In songs I sing and poems sent
I'm still here
VERSE 3:
To you I sing songs from my soul
Your happiness is my main goal
Each new sunrise that we share is proof enough that God is there
I still believe we've got it good much better than most people could
I know our love is strong enough
True love's not something you can bluff.
CHORUS:
I'm still here I'm still here
Always to you my heart is true
I'm never giving up on you
I'm still here.

"COME BACK IN MY PRAYERS"...
I'm holding on to the love we once knew hoping you're thinking of and missing me too
Somehow I don't think you're feeling that way not from the harsh words you told me today
You promised we'd face our troubles as one but then you told me we were over and done
I'm holding on to the love we once knew hoping you're thinking of and missing me too.
I'm holding on to the love we once had praying and hoping it hasn't gone bad
I stand by my window incase you pass by but in my reflection I see tears in my eyes
I promised I'd never let you down now all I'm left with are these tears of a clown
I'm holding on to the love we once had praying and hoping it hasn't gone bad.
I'm holding on to the words you once spoke now they just seem like a cruel sick joke
You promised you'd love me everyday and you'd never leave me or go away
You really done a number on me have I learned my lesson we'll just have to see
I'm holding on to the words you once spoke now they just seem like a cruel sick joke.
Now you just linger in my thoughts and cares I ask that you'll come back in all of my prayers
But would you just hurt me like you done before I'd give a chance though I know that much for sure
I promised I'd not give up on you trust and believe me my words still ring true
Now you just linger in my thoughts and cares
I'll always ask you'll come in my prayers
I'll ask you'll come back in my prayers
I'll always ask you to come back in my prayers.

"YOU'RE MY ADDICTION"...
Verse 1:
I hate not being with you it's the darkness to my light
The clouds behind the sunshine the wrong in all that's right
It fills my world with worry we seem a million miles apart
A weight upon my shoulders an end without a start.
Chorus:
To see your smile and feel your touch is all I want to do
You're the drug to my addiction I want to fill my veins with you
To see your smile and feel your touch is all I want to do
You're the drug to my addiction I want to fill my veins with you.
Verse 2:
My first thought in the morning my last thought in the night
My body shakes and trembles if you're ever out of sight
Can't take a day without you you're the food that feeds my soul
You're the rhyme that glues my poems you're the rock that shakes my roll.
Verse 3:
You really make me happy and for the most that's what I am
But the times we're not together I'm a weak and feeble man
All I do is miss you every minute you're not here
I'm a poor excuse and broken I drift around in constant fear.
Verse 4:
As quickly as it started you're back here in my arms
Your love is like a blanket I'm wrapped up in your charms
The clouds again have lifted your kisses warm my core
Your love my heart has mended
I'm not broken anymore.

"YOU WERE THERE...LITROL"
I fell for you big time from a very great height but love has no boundaries it doesn't know wrong from right, all I know is I'd felt love like never before yet I'm back on my lonesome and broken hearted once more.
The fear I had of it not working out added fuel to the fire and created more doubt, how could anyone love me, of all people why you, this shouldn't be real why would it be true?
You were kind you were thoughtful you showed me such care, I couldn't believe that you were literally there!
All my baggage and issues just got in the way and saying sorry don't cut it but what else can I say?
I'm sure there are lessons that we'll work out in time, but for now I'll just miss you and pretend life is fine. Xx

"DON'T MISS THIS CHANCE"...
I never thought that I'd be blessed with a miracle like you, 'cos after all I'm a simple man nothing special, nothing new.
Yet God saw fit to grace my life with an angel here on earth, although right deep down in my heart I still can't see my worth.
But who am I to argue with our Lord God up above, when His plan is His and His alone and every step is paved with love.
Though when the hard times seem at first to be just what they seem there's always more in the way God works, especially in what can't be seen.
The hope I have for me and you is one thing that keeps me going and my trust in God to do His thing helps my faith to keep on growing.
For there are often days when I can't take no more and I feel sure you won't come back then God throws me a lifeline and gently pulls me back on track.
So remember this, should you think of me and the love we both once knew, that when God throws me a lifeline He's also throwing one to you.

JUST LET ME TAKE MY TIME..
Afraid of getting close again scared of making friends sure I'd get hurt again when in time that friendship ends.
Not wanting to put on a face just needing to be me in the background sitting just for now, that's not the me want to see.
Safer on the outside, just occasionally looking in, not stepping into pastures new and what future that's within.
Will the future be much better than the past that I have seen or will the past be on repeat with no pausing in-between?
I hate that this is how it is, I wasn't made to be this way, but here the first verse comes again to get me through this brand new day.

"JUST A THOUGHT"
I began to write a poem but only in my mind, I didn't think to write it down and now it's hard to find.
I've really no idea of what it was about, though it must've been a good one of that there is no doubt.
It might've been romantic full of love and happy tears , perhaps it was about my life and all my hopes and fears.
It could've been about the world and the lands I've yet to know or the people that I've to meet in the places I will go.
One day I might remember the last line or the first, it may be my greatest poem or could even be my worst.
It could be the only poem that the world may never see , not written but just thought about, just thought about by me.

Just found these three poems that I wrote a long time ago and thought I'd lost!🙏🏻
"A LAUGH AND A SONG"
At night I lay awake in bed sad thoughts start to fill my head
I miss the life I didn't want but not the wife who used to haunt my days and nights she'd bring me down she wouldn't let me be the clown, the person that was really me, the person that I loved to be.
I used to laugh I used to sing but fun with me was not her thing
The thoughts by day I can avoid at night they make me feel annoyed.
Was I that weak I'm at a loss why did she have to be the boss?
I needed her to be my friend to help me get around the bend and turn my darkness into light, I'm sure I would have been alright
I needed her to make me strong and start each day with a laugh and a song.

"DON'T FORGET YOUR CLIPBOARD"...
The first moment that I saw you I knew I had a friend, that's something that will always be until the very end.
Although I wasn't on my own in my heart I felt alone but with you around I could be myself safe in my comfort zone.
Telling jokes and talking nonsense that's just the way I am and that's the way you took me, 'a joking nonsense talking man'.
Although our lives took different paths our friendship still stayed true and you've been there just when needed, like God wanted you to do.
You've saved me from the gutter more than once or twice and of that I'm talking literally, three times to be precise.
Now here we are still going strong, I'm still me and you're still you, hopefully we're wiser, though that may not be true.
But whatever that don't matter because our friendship's just as strong and that's the thing that really counts, to eachother we belong.

"ANOTHER GODINCIDENCE"
Here we go again I thought, but what have I done wrong, I followed all the rules and regs and with my neighbours got along!?
I put the right bags out each week and picked up litter on the street, I said hello to passing strangers that I would casually meet.
I was part of something more than me, a community of sorts, my life was on the up again or so that's what I thought.
For in the shadows was a landlord with a heart as cold as ice who took me back to darkness more than once or twice.
Then along came 'Christine Crisis' with a voice I thought I knew although that didn't matter because she had a job to do.
A job that God bestowed her and some others just as dear who give their all to folks like me and take away our fear.
To lift us out of homelessness and make us stronger on the way so if the darkness comes around again we'll know what to do and say.
So love and thanks to Chris' and Jo and all the CRISIS family for bringing light back to our lives and a future we can see.

"ONE STEP BEYOND"
All I ever had to do was 'be still' and let God in, so I could be the real me and God could do His thing, but how could that just happen when I was used to taking charge and doing what I thought was right and giving it 'the large'?
I was more concerned what others thought and afraid to let them down, though eventually I would hurt them worse and make myself look like a clown.
I had more faces than Big Ben and many masks to wear I thought that I was in control, but for myself I didn't care.
In time my tune began to change when only darkness I could see and though on times I'd talk to God it was when it suited me.
Though in my heart I truly knew that God was by my side even when I'd make the same wrong moves or from God's truth I'd hide.
That is The truth, God's always there He never hides away no matter what wrong moves we make or from His path we stray.
Yet still I have my moments when life ain't going good and worry fills my head with fear and I don't 'be still' like I should.
I've learned it doesn't matter how far we wander off God's track because God's love for us stays true it only takes us one step back.

NOT 100% SEE...
You pointed the finger without knowing the truth you thought what you'd seen was good enough proof, but what we see can deceive us when we don't really see, though that didn't matter when you pointed at me.
The time that I've lost I'll never get back and I've still never quite got my life back on track.
Have you ever questioned what you once thought was right or put it out of your mind 'cos I was put out of sight?
Did you ever consider how I got to that place because you don't really know me let alone know my face and yet you were sure it was my face you saw, but how sure were you because you weren't that's for sure?
Have you ever wondered how that night changed my life or my struggles before it and pain and the strife?
Would you show any interest in the blessings I've had, do you care that God saved me from a life that turned bad?
Would it please you to know that you played a small part in Gods plan to find me my lost soul and heart?
So if you find yourself doubting Gods saving grace instead of pointing the finger just ask me straight face to face.

"STEPPING OUT WITH GOD"...
Gods stepping stones won't break your bones and His lessons will not harm you, 'cos the plans He has for you and me are full of love and virtue.
Though when we're going through the storm in a tunnel without light we forget that God is on the case and everything will turn out right.
We never thank Him when life's good and the garden's looking rosie but blame Him when the fan gets hit and our comfy lives aren't cosy.
God understands that's how we are and He knows just how we feel, that's why He's patient when we aren't because His love for us real.
So just look up from time to time and thank God, 'cos you can, for all the blessings you've received and all the blessings yet to come.

TEACHER ALWAYS KNOWS BEST...
Thank you LORD again for that miracle just then though my heart knew you would never let me down, but on times my head did worry and I prayed that you would hurry but you were on the case that's what I've always known.
As you know I'm only human and far from an angel yet, that's why I struggle with the things I can not see, but your timings always perfect and your love for me stays true so when you're in charge what's meant to be will be.
Forgive me for the doubting and on times my childlike pouting, though I know there's always lessons in the pain and when you've made the dark skies clear and blown away the storms of fear my world gets brighter like the rainbow after rain.
So LORD, for now I'll say goodnight and I'm sure I'll sleep tight forever knowing that you're watching from above and any future tribulations that you should bring my way are only lessons that you put me through with love.
2 Corinthians c4 v18.

"THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR"
I still miss you every day the emptiness won't go away, no matter what I try to do it's always there, so is this my life for me until I reach eternity and forever wondering if for me you even care?
Another Christmas time has come and in a blink it will be gone, though without you here it's just another day and every cliché that gets thrown still leaves me feeling all alone, but for now this is the hand I have to play.
Although I'm not a gambling man I'm still sure it's still Gods plan and there's lessons in the suffering I go through, until Gods time for us is right you're in my heart though out of sight, so trusting God is really all that I can do. Amen.

"A THOUSAND MIRACLES AND COUNTING"...
Do you believe in "something", do you think there's "someone" there who watches down from up above or don't you really care?
When asked do you believe in God do you laugh it off and shrug 'cos you're too afraid to say you do incase you look a mug?
Think about it for a minute, but who else could it be that brought me back from su***de and set my lost soul free?
I've got a thousand stories about how God saved my life and took away my chains and guilt and washed away my strife.
Though on times it's still not easy and I struggle without doubt, but now when satan chases me I turn to God to sort him out.
Sometimes I do quickly, sometimes it takes me longer, but eventually I come back to God and end up feeling stronger.
I'm still a sinner in my heart, that's just the way God made me, but now I'm not ashamed to say I need Gods help to keep my soul free.
So next time someone asks you if you believe in God, just tell them straight "of course I do" and smile and give a nod and just incase they ask you to tell them what you mean just send them my way and I'll tell them of the thousand miracles I've seen.

"IT'S NOT JUST ALL ABOUT ME"...
Keep giving me strength to fight my foes keep giving me hope to prosper, walk with me on the treacherous road and guide me back when I should falter.
I know you're there without a doubt, but on times I need to see you, I'm still a man not an angel yet it doesn't mean my faith is less true.
So when others preach of rainbows Lord and do happy clappy dances I'll write about the dark times Lord and in my writing get your answers.
And when some don't seem to understand and assume that I don't love you I'll concern myself with the others Lord who at this moment just don't know you.
For if they can see me struggling Lord yet still believing that you love me maybe they will turn their eyes to you and find the love and hope that they need.
Though I'll leave their saving upto you I'll use this writing that you've gifted and always write with feelings true and pray their hearts will soon be lifted.

"REACHING OUT TO NOTHING"
Constantly avoiding the ugly, good and bad, fighting with old demons and habits that you've had.
Reaching out and getting knock backs and forever being passed on, when you think you're getting somewhere you realise you've got it wrong.
False promises from people that really should know best, though they claim it's from a good place you're sure it's only said in jest.
Preferring isolation because it's safer and it's true, but hating every moment because it's not the really you.
Being thrown old cliches that do not help at all, when what you need are helping hands to hold you when you fall.
And the moment that you open up and trust them with your pain they just put you on a guilt trip and bring you further down again.
So then you're back to where you started with the ugly, good and bad and fighting your old demons and habits that you've had.

I NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH...
All I ever wanted was to be my daughter's dad, but narcissism ruled the roost and life became so bad.
The silver lining that was there was clouded night and day and within the pain and darkness I began to lose my way.
I loved her more than life itself, atleast my own that's true, so I came up with a wondrous plan to help me make it through.
I was sure I was strong enough to fight the foe I had then all my wishes would come true and I could be my daughter's dad.
I tried and failed to stand my ground, but I was just out classed not weak, until someone killed the man I was and with my heart played kick'n'seek.
So it isn't any wonder that something would go wrong, though things were never really right and had been all along.
But within the misused words of care and false promises that were seeded I thought I'd found true love at last and the understanding that I needed.
Now everyday I wake up broke, though most nights sleep evades me, so I don't even get to dream about the gift from God I don't see and when I think about my little girl it only makes me sad 'cos all I ever wanted was to be my daughter's dad.

TRUE COLOURS...
Nothings ever black or white but everything is wrong or right, though the world will pull us either way it's in the middle we should stay letting God just do His thing with His plans to prosper, grow and win.
So when the leaders tell us what to do we've still got the choice to just stay true and believe in what we can not see until we join the Lord in eternity.
If we scratch beneath the middle grey we'll see the rainbow colours everyday, the colours that we're meant to see, the colours that the world should be, the colours that the world has blurred with it's hateful deeds and cruel words, the colours in the promise true that the Lord has made to me and you.

OUR MATE WAYNE..
I'm sorry that you've gone my mate I guess your light had just burned out, but now you're up in heaven you'll shine forever there's no doubt.
You were always full of character, a "head case" some would say, but a friend to everyone you'd meet you'd never fail to make their day.
You never really caused no harm to anyone but you, you were you're own worse enemy, although for most of us that's true!
You were trusting, loyal, funny and all the things a friend should be and that's what we'll remember Wayne when we think of you, trust me!
So until the day we meet again just for now we'll say goodbye but you'll always be here in our hearts, our love for you will never die.
RIP Wayne Harris.

"SORT IT OUT PLEASE GOD"
There's not enough Jack Daniels or devil's dandruff in this town to switch me off when needed or pick me up when I am down, I don't know anybody who's been in this hole like me so there is no one to understand and help me set my lost soul free.
I try to do the normal things like the normals do each day, like eating, washing, having fun and dreaming cares away, I get high from seeing loved ones then go cold turkey when they've gone because deep inside my lonely heart I forever feel alone.
It's good to talk the advert says but there's one thing that it's missing, how can you talk to someone who isn't willing just to listen?
How could it ever get to this forever wanting but not wanted and when memories of when life was bliss just leave me feeling haunted?
Believer's say "it's just God's way" but I'm struggling hard with that one, when children get abused and killed by the people meant to love them!?
While there's father's out there dying to see their children just one day, as their ex's get to call the shots and stand their new mugs in the way!?
So I'll hang on till tomorrow and pray that God will sort this mess, odds on I'll write about it soon but for now good night God bless.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THAT....
I'd like to thank the so called friends who thought that they knew best and turned me onto steroids so I'd look good in a vest.
To me they were my heroes, like Arnie or the Hulk, I wanted to be just like them but I didn't have the bulk.
I listened to their every word and took the pills they gave, then with their help I soon progressed towards an early grave, it's not as if I ever planned to lift weights in a show my reasons were cosmetic to make my muscles grow.
They filled my head with nonsense on the stuff I had to take and to only use the real stuff to build muscles that were fake.
It changed my life forever and damaged every gene, it took away the real me and the man I should've been.
In time I got addicted and in my head there was no doubt that I needed juice to make me grow and I couldn't train without.
Though now and then we'd take time off, but only cut our dose in half, we'd tell each other we were clean, that lie would always raise a laugh.
When roiders lose their temper and the red mist dose arise they blame everyone but them and believe their well worn lies.
So to all you steroid junkies who deny you have roid rage it's time you went cold turkey before you end up in a cage.

"WHO'S A LUCKY DEVIL"
Most days I think about it most days I weigh it up, but is it my faith that holds me back or just some cruel twist of luck?
Though luck comes from the devil and never lasts that long, it can only be my faith in God that keeps me holding on!
But if somehow that faith should end and leave me high and dry then it's down to luck if I should join my loved ones in the sky.
How did it ever get to this how can this hurt stay true, the self righteous say it's all God's plan but they haven't got a clue.
So while they point three fingers at themselves and one at me they judge on what they think they know and not on what they see.
They don't even have to ask me 'cos I write it down in rhyme, but they read it like a greetings card and carry on like all is fine.
Though how can anything be fine in this existence I've been gifted when the root of all my hurt and pain have never once been lifted?
And the one who caused this hurt and pain gets everything they'd planned for, so is that because they live on luck or over me God loves them much more?

UNFINISHED BUSINESS
You always took me as I was, the only way that I should be, with my old baggages and problems, the one and only real me.
Everything was perfect except the timing at the time, it was the only thing that cast a cloud but yet our feelings still stay fine.
Now even when we do meet up it's like we've never been apart, though it rocks my world for a week or two it shows me you're still in my heart.
But how can that be possible we've long gone our separate ways, there must be unfinished business just like the title says?
We've never had no airs and graces, no bu****it stories from my past, no putting on false faces just real smiles that even now still last.
I guess we still had things to sort that once got in the way, like ditching baggages and problems that made some things hard to say.
So when we do come back, when the time is right, it will just be you and me, no old storm clouds casting shadows just the the silver lining of our love for all the world to see.

TO MY GIFT FROM GOD.
Living on hope that you'll come back to me
Living on hope you'll understand
Living on you'll read my messages
And maybe just reach out your hand.
Living on hope cos that's what I do
Living on hope from day to day
Living on hope is not so easy
But neither is the other way.
Living on hope like an old stuck record
Living on hope is nothing new
Living on hope and long gone memories
That's the only thing that's true.
Living on hope to just keep going
Living on hope when there is none
Living on hope is full of bu****it
I'll be glad when it's over and done.
Living on hope God pulls His finger out
Living on hope we get a break
Living on hope that I don't lose my faith
Not just for me but everyone's sake.
Living on hope I fall asleep tonight
Living on hope I dream of you
Living on hope you know me in my dreams
Good night God bless I love you true.

HEADS OR TAILS...
Each morning I wake up I'm at that crossroads do I stop for good or carry on ahead? When the road ahead is paved with pain and suffering, it's a road that I continually fear to tread.
While God sits back and chuckles at His justice the good men suffer and the bad men have it all, though apparently good things come to those who struggle I very rarely see the bad men fall.
The cliches and we'll meaning words of comfort don't comfort me in any way they're meant, they just reignite the pain and bring back anger and leave me with the anger that I'm too afraid to vent.
Then they toddle off and leave me lost and broken in a hole that's safe and deadly either way and I'm back to where I started at that crossroads waking up again and just feeling the same way.

The Real Me At Last updated their address.

The Real Me At Last updated their phone number.

ALL I COULD BE...
Someone to be my sweetheart and always my best friend, someone to hold forever our romance would never end, someone not just anyone who'd mean the world to me, someone not just anyone who'd set my feelings free.
But do I just take anyone to fill the gap within my heart or wait until God sends the one who will love me from the start?
Although I thought I'd found the one when you came into my life I soon felt I became no-one when you filled my world with strife.
Do I take another chance with you and let you in once more or walk away with my self respect though it'll hurt me to the core?
Should I give us one more chance again, is it what I need to do, to show you I did all I could to be your sweetheart too?

WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT..
Why does God keep giving me lessons that push me right upto the edge?
He knows just how capable I am of throwing myself off the ledge, it must be a plan only He knows, what doesn't kill me will just make me stronger and maybe these lessons will show me, maybe that's why I keep living longer.
So it could be this sadness I'm feeling really isn't a sadness at all it's what's keeping my heart strong and beating and what picks me up each time I fall?
Though perhaps when I fall I'm not falling, I'm just having a break and a rest, so I can keep on fighting the good fight and keep trying to give God my best.
Now I'm still just a man not an angel and God knows that I'm never out of His sight and that's why He keeps giving me lessons so in time I will get my life right.

THERE IS A BETTER WAY...
You can try to do whatever you want to take your mind off what you know, but your heart will always know the truth though your face won't let it show.
You can drink away good memories but soon the bad ones reappear, then you're stuck there in the dark alone with all your heartaches, pain and fear.
But a few more drinks will wipe that out and help you forget your past and bring you just the rest you need, though even that won't last.
When you're in your dark place and all you want to do is rest a few hours free from what you know is just as good, but not the best.
There really are some better ways to deal with what you know, though finding them's the tricky bit before the wrong ways grow and grow.
In time your mind has you believing that the wrong ways are the right until the right ways simply don't exist the further they go out of sight.
Stop now and give yourself a break, put your own worth first not last, then you'll find your happiness for good and lose the heartaches from the past.