The Amber Tree

I like this little comic strip and what it is trying to tell others but there is an inaccuracy that creates a difficulty for parents who are trying to help their children in a way that they never experienced themselves. The last picture shows the little girl has grown into a woman and is now sheltering her own daughter from generational trauma. Now the reality is that this is impossible if the woman had not made her own (probably not perfect - some rain may still get through) umbrella for herself at some point. She can then use the fact that she is not getting as much rain on herself to be able to construct a fully functional umbrella for her child. You also hear this type of advise on aeroplanes - put your own oxygen mask on, then help others. With generational trauma, if you don't want to pass it on - seek help for yourself to manage it, and this in turn will help ensure you can effectively help your child.

Adaptions are needed for some children to access education. They are not school "refusers" any more than a child in a wheelchair is "refusing" to climb the stairs.
Credit to Neurowild for the picture

I asked some children to say if one person was better than the other and described one who was anxious and one who was daring. All said the anxious one was bad and the daring one was good. But this isn't true. If you look at evolution the daring one comes from the hunter, the risk taker. This type of human could bring in food and would be the first to take on a predator in a fight. Definitely good, definitely important to human survival. The anxious one was the protector of the group. Standing guard, sounding the alarm and planning the escape from threats. Definitely good, definitely important to human survival. But now only one trait is celebrated. Both traits cause suffering and harm when they are too strong but it seems to me that more needs to be done to celebrate the meerkats of life. To help them feel their natural ability is equally helpful and important. To empower them to learn how to use this ability in a way they and those around them find useful.

The main reason I chose to start The Amber Tree is because I didn't feel you were being heard. You would say you needed help and to get it they put up barriers. You said you needed a different approach but were given a "one size fits all". You said it wasn't working but they kept doing the same. You said your child can't manage this at the moment so they discharged you. There isn't always an easy solution but at the very least you should feel heard and be given a choice of what may help. Thats why The Amber Tree exists.

But how DO you speak to a teen that sits there looking peed off?? I recommend the strategies on http://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/communicating-with-teenagers

Good for kids around 8-12yrs. It uses DBT principles. Credit to Elocin Nire

For those in North Yorkshire FREE courses - Unlocking Autism course and Unlocking ADHD course teaching parents strategies and techniques to manage challenges and help their kids reach their potential. The course dates for 2024 are now released, just email Elise Logan

Unlocking Autism Programme - NHS North Yorkshire CCG

Teenagers often don't want to "talk" when you know something is wrong but they may well be up for doing one of these:

Old recipes stand the test of time. The only modern addition I would make to this one would be suncream! Did you know that research shows that being outside, in natural light and exercising (eg walking/playing) can be as effective as taking an antidepressant... and for those who take antidepressants it can boost the impact of it significantly. Worth going out even on the grotty days.

As a parent you safeguard your emotions and (to a large degree) your child's emotions. If something is happening that is causing difficulty it can be good to do a weekly check in with yourself and your child to help you both navigate it while also understanding what both of you are thinking and doing.

Want your child to succeed in life? You may feel that one path is better than another - maybe your path felt best or maybe you don't want your child to use the same path you chose. Its helpful to advise and guide but remember, ultimately, your child is going to have a different path to success from yourself or from what you want them to choose. That doesn't mean the path they choose will ruin their chance of success.

New Year coming soon! As a resolution consider tearing up some hopes and dreams. Does that sound odd? Thats because society puts a lot of pressure on us to have quite specific hopes and dreams - which are all quite similar! And parents then find themselves putting these onto their own children. "I want my child to be a famous singer/ gymnast/ footballer/lawyer/ doctor etc etc. I want my kid to be rich rich rich!!!" Dig down into those dreams - would you want them to be a miserable singer? An unhealthy lawyer? A cold, selfish rich person? What if you had to choose? Maybe the dream is for your child to be healthy, generally happy and content in their environment and society. And the resolution for the new year? Help them on that path - your lifestyle is a large part of their health, your time, love and empathy is a large part of their happiness, your decisions are a large part of their environment and society.

Teaching your child to identify these zones can help them self-manage and/or seek help to prevent them getting stuck in the crisis zone

Have a lovely Christmas!

Free workshop for parents whose child is struggling with an eating disorder

Eating disorder workshops New Maudsley carer skills workshops course dates and times. Find a course that suits you.

It is our go to: reassurance and reductionism. And it does work if your child is not particularly anxious or sensitive. But it doesn't allow the child any expression of their emotion which can result in a pressure pot of emotion building up and more and more resistance to certain tasks/behaviours/ situations. It can be much better to comment that you notice the emotion, ask about it and why its happened, what thoughts they are having and talking about how understandable it is having these thoughts and feelings... and then reassure that although their brain is giving them a lot of thoughts and feelings there are x y and z reasons why it will be ok or x y and z adaptations made to help (or a mix of both!). NB: Asking and talking about emotion when your child is having a panic attack or tantrum is not going to work. Wait, with maybe use of some basic phrases or breathing techniques until they have come out of any extreme zone before being curious.

This is a really good summary overview of the difference between ADHD and Autism BUT both of them are spectrum conditions and children will present in a wide variety of ways. Often the symptoms only become apparent only when placed in challenging neurotypical environments like mainstream school or the struggle to suppress their ADHD or Autism results in anxiety. In both conditions anxiety can be poorly identified by the child which means they do not act to manage it until the anxiety becomes overwhelming eg a panic attack (this is not the same as a meltdown in autism). Teaching a child with ADHD and Autism what neurotypical anxiety looks like may not be helpful as they will not experience this. Teaching them about some of the physical symptoms of anxiety, particularly digestive symptoms and helping them to notice when they have signs of anxiety that you are noticing (watches that monitor heart rates can sometimes be helpful here) will help them start to identify the subtle signs they have that they are in the early stages of feeling anxious/worried/stressed. Sensory techniques can then be used alongside environmental adaptations to manage/reduce the trigger.

A resource stretched public sector often unwittingly disempowers children and their parents, making them feel powerless. But you are more powerful than you know. Use you MP, use the charities set up to give guidance and support. Don't be scared to be vocal and complain. Stand up for your child's needs. Don't let the system get you down.

The essence of DBT. There are bad things that happen in life creating negative thoughts, these things have a negative impact when you listen to them. But, they can be treated with compassion - allowed their space while continuing the life you want. (Sorry I can not credit the artist as they are not mentioned anywhere that I can find)

This is important reading for parents whose children do not suit mainstream education. Just because your child does not fit that model does not mean they should be forced to have significant compromises in their education. But with resources very scarce be prepared to be VERY assertive. https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/657995f0254aaa000d050bff/Arranging_education_for_children_who_cannot_attend_school_because_of_health_needs.pdf?fbclid=IwAR0yxX9BFfQoKOxbmjWmsofD5L5oC2_xjw4HmmIfCe4iveD05HrdXARVNxE

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk

Even at Christmas the "other" (not happy) emotions can be allowed

Many resources on this page including videos to help children understand and manage anxiety. Some meditation videos. Also a lot of worksheets around distress tolerance and other aspects of dialectical behavioural therapy.

Interactive Therapy Tools | Therapist Aid Interactive therapy tools. Topics include CBT, anger management, self-esteem, relaxation, stress management, addictions, and more.

Teenagers are absolute experts at masking. Check in when they are calm and not on their devices - the car or a walk is the perfect way. Be honest eg "I am worried you are putting on a happy face".. dont expect an immediate discussion but wait it out without getting irritable and they may well open up.

The best trauma resources for parents, school and the young person I have ever found are here:

Resources Beacon House is passionate about developing freely available resources so that knowledge about the repair of trauma and adversity is in the hands of those who need it. Please feel free to use our resources in your home or work setting.

In Dialectical Behavioural Therapy when someone is crying you listen to why, validate the feeling before starting to explore if there is any change needed/wanted to help going forward. In small ways this can be done with children any time they are struggling with their emotions. This does not mean you "give in" to the emotion eg "my child is sad therefore to validate this I must give them the toy/sweet they want", it just means you acknowledge that you may also have the same feelings if you were them: "I get you are frustrated and sad about not getting the toy/present... did you know that even Mummy can get upset about not getting something she really wanted? One time I really wanted # # # (describe something eg a house/ course/ clothing etc and then why you couldnt have it, how it made you feel but also how you moved on from that feeling and found a different way forward)