Transform with Verve

It is almost the end of the year and most of us are winding down to take a break to relax, rejuvenate, and be ready for the new year. For the experiences that await in 2023.

In the last few weeks, I have been writing longish posts on different perspectives in our lives and their influence on our mental health. Am I an expert on mental health? I am still learning and growing.

There is no comprehensive list to manage as there are many layers and nuances to it. The thing I have learned is that having good mental health is not an event or an occasion, it is a process.

It is a process that we as individuals have to be aware of and something we have to work on a daily basis just like our breathing.

Not something we should take for granted.

As you take a break and prepare yourself to embark on your journey, take time to;

👉Know yourself, and be .

👉Revisit your life’s priorities.

👉Trivialize the trivial.

👉Liberate yourself - choose not to do things that you do not wish to do.

👉Be mindful.

👉Enhance your sense of living by being present rather than in the past or future.

👉 Have deeper communication with your loved ones.

Do not forget to celebrate yourself amidst the rush, excitement, and joy of the festive season.

Here’s wishing you a Happy Holidays & Happy New Year 2023!!!

I love food!! People say they eat to live though for me it’s the other way around, I live to eat. My whole day revolves around what I am going to eat and when. I have a range of food that is my go-to when I am feeling low, or high, or need a boost of energy. I cook daily and my cooking is mostly centered around the theme of the day.

Have you noticed a spike and drop in your energy when you consume foods that may be high in sugar? Or feeling drained after eating a certain food?

Or have there been days when eating a certain food has made you feel happy? Filled that void? Gave you company?

certainly alters our moods. After all, we are all (agree or disagree) emotional beings to some extent.

Food is also one of the key factors that influence our . As the saying goes, listen to your gut (which is our second brain).
When depressed we tend to reach for comfort foods hoping to feel better though little do we realize that it makes it worse. Leading to more stress.

Why so? Well! As it influences the biochemistry in our body. Also, food is linked to the hippocampus, a key area of our brain involved in learning, memory, and mental health.

So, does one go on diet? Perhaps not, only if the cookie-cutter approach worked. Our bodies are the best laboratories only if we learned to tune into them.

So how can we manage our physical and mental health?

👉By eating at regular times and not skipping meals.

👉By eating a well-balanced diet.

👉Eat with our five senses. Eating a nourishing meal while watching
TV, reading email, or in a meeting won’t cut it.

👉Observe how your body responds after each meal.

👉Have deep for the food and all the hands that go behind in putting it on your plate.

👉Develop a healthy relationship with food.

👉Stop measuring your in numbers.

👉For issues related to body image speak to a therapist, counselor, .

Seema is a beautiful and elegant Indian lady. She lives in a beautiful home in an affluent suburb with her family. She has a Ph.D. in marine biology and has been an A+ student throughout her life. Though after marriage, her role primarily is to look after the family even though she deeply desires to run a research project on marine life.

Jeanne and Sam were childhood sweethearts and have been married for 25 years now. The conversation between them is nothing more than small talk now. Sam started stonewalling Jeanne many years back as he felt she judged him and compared him to all their old school friends as they are more successful than him.

Joy is a lovely girl who is a skilled pianist and has won many competitions. She was diagnosed with autism in the early stages of her life, whilst it was distressing for the family, her parents never gave up and neither did let her feel that she was any different or less than anyone. They encouraged and supported her in everything.

Zoya & Smriti have been best friends for over 30 years now, even though they have been living in different countries for a long time now with their own families. They make sure to catch up on occasions via modern technology and the relationship is as fresh as it was when they were in school with the same level of energy and enthusiasm.

Daniella is a star performer at her work and has been a star student all her life. She feels quite lonely and she does not have any friends as she believes people are not being themselves and are shadows speaking cliches all the time. She has worked hard all her life to impress her mother who suffers from depression.

These are the of people all around us and there are many more. All are determined by the relationships we have in our lives.

Relationships are the essence of life. can make people & relationships can break people.

The quality of our life is determined by the quality of our relationships in our lives and their influence on our .

Though a person is the output of their physiology, self-esteem, self-worth, views (cultural, political, religious), biases (cognitive, cultural, implicit, etc), personality type, values, their order in the family, the role they identify with, socio-economic status and much more.

So, do we need a degree in psychology, anthropology, psychotherapy, etc. to establish a relationship?

Is there a formula? You’d wish!!

A few things that will help are;

👉Know yourselves – values, personality type, likes, dislikes.

👉Communication and style.

👉Accept, forgive, and let go.

👉Heal yourself, seek support.

👉Do things for self-care.

👉Be your self.

Have you ever walked into a café and ordered something and as soon as you do that, the server starts speaking loudly (or shouting) back at you? Or even ignore you? Just because you look different from them, they believe you cannot understand or comprehend the language.

And you wonder why? And suddenly start feeling conscious and thinking, am I dressed all right? Is there something on my face? Did I not say the order correctly? Am I an alien?

No, none of the above. You are being stereotyped even before an engagement has been fully established. This is a form of .

Racial slurs, violence, or discrimination is overt racism. Though this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Covert racism, and aversive racism on the other hand such as implicit biases, and microaggression are more subtle in comparison to blatant racism. Though the impact is no less. In these situations, the person is not even aware of their behavior. They believe themselves to be non-prejudiced even though they harbor negative feelings and beliefs about different ethnicities.

These unconscious negative feelings and beliefs are developed over a while because of normal (not sure what normal is), almost unavoidable, and frequently functional, cognitive, motivational, and social-cultural processes.

Even though people shy away from discussing or addressing racism. it is experienced at all levels be it at schools, social settings, or even workplace environments. It should not be taken lightly considering the damage it does to an individual just based on their appearance, clothes, age, s*x, gender, language, marital status, etc.

Racism can influence our mental and physical health significantly, where, the person not only feels stressed but it can lead to feelings of , isolation, , , disengaged from society & culture, and spiraling downwards into poor habits including addiction.

What can we do about it?

👉Respect & appreciate cultural diversity

👉Build cultural competence

👉Join different community groups

👉Raise your against racism

👉Ask for support

👉Build personal resilience

👉Ask for mental health support

Oh! The whiff of independence when you get your first job. You have finally arrived!! The dreams and desires that come with it, on changing the world, reaching the top, and showing the world who you are.
Then comes the first email with a deadline in the evening. Do you remember the sensations you experienced in your body at the time? From feeling excited to anxious. You put in all the effort to prove your mettle. The following day you feel on top of the world though no one acknowledges your effort or input. No news is good news, right?
Then later in the day, you get a notification from your manager that he/she is pleased with your effort though the work you did is not up to mark. You perhaps need to speak to someone senior (not necessarily experienced) to learn more. From then on, your every move is micro-managed as this is how the culture is in the organization.
Suddenly everyone has an opinion about how you should work and you feel excluded, judged, or isolated.
This is known as , a form of bullying.

Imagine having to work in these circumstances, where, you were a once-star student in the university and now feel low as none of the learnings can be applied at work and that your input does not matter as long as you toe the line.

Imagine having to work in places where

☝️The person with the higher title (not necessarily knowledge or wisdom) gets the loudest voice and does have the right to overrule/veto anything after all they have been the longest in the organization.

☝️A manager who makes s*xual overtures to interns or juniors knowing fully well that they need this experience.

☝️ Experiencing discrimination because of your race or command of the language.

☝️ Explicitly asked to keep quiet about the unethical practices.

☝️ or for some their identity is so closely intertwined with their job, so if that is taken away, they find it hard to survive.

environments are a breeding ground for issues.
Unrealistic timelines, redundant tasks, personalities, cliques, racism, , s*xism, ageism, etc. Each of these has a significant influence on a person’s mental health.
It is stressful working in environments where things are not within your control. Negative rumination, passive-aggressive behavior, and anxiety can impact your health.

An organization’s culture plays a crucial role in a person’s growth and development as that is where you spend the majority of your waking hours.

Though what can you do about managing your well-being?

👉Raise your concerns and ask for support

👉Improve emotional resilience skills

👉Exit toxic work environments

👉Practice mindfulness

👉Learn about emotional and social intelligence skills

👉Manage your sleep

👉Incorporate health habits – eating, exercising, socializing, etc

👉 Speak to a or a .

“Empty vessels make the most noise” was my science teacher's favorite phrase every time she handed out the test results, especially to the ones who did not achieve the desired results.
Whilst, it was funny for the rest of the class, I am sure it was super embarrassing & uncomfortable for the child to be singled out in front of everyone.
So, each time the science tests, and exams were announced all students scrambled to get the best results not for the love of the subject but out of fear of being singled out in front of the class.

Though the teacher never asked, how can I help you to understand the subject better?

Then, there were times when there was corporal punishment (not literally) handed out to students for being non-compliant such as for not completing their homework or not answering the question exactly to what was there in the book.

Followed by being labeled as “stupid”, “dumb” “lazy” and so on.

Whilst these are some of the extreme examples of schooling, they do have a lasting effect on a person.

Why am I talking about and the ways at school?

Well! Schools are one of our founding pillars to gain knowledge, skills, social skills, etc. Though when there is a significant to know everything and to perform well in all subjects, then the joy and passion are taken away.
It becomes a race (dare I say rat race) to perform/outperform self and others.

Don’t get me wrong I love any institution that imparts knowledge and that fosters learning and growth. Though when everyone is expected to perform and assessed on a single parameter, it gets challenging as we are all not designed to be the same. We are all with different interests and passions.

When we are viewed from a single lens, it adds significant stress and can lead to issues such as anxiety, panic, fear of being judged, labeled, and not being due to poor performance, etc.
I remember suffering from asthmatic attacks every time I had exams.

So, what do we do? Leave school?

Perhaps not! Education is important.

Though what can you do to build resiliency for your mental health?

👉Encourage open communication.

👉Ask for support from your peers, teachers & family.

👉Cultivate a hobby (s).

👉Pursue different interests.

👉Eat, exercise and sleep well.

👉Don’t believe everything on social media.

👉Social media does not define you.

👉Familiarize yourself with world history.

👉Read about great personalities.

Have there been times when you heard people snickering and saying “Is it that time of the month”?
Well, guess what!! Yes, it is and you know what? I am in pain, I am feeling dizzy, experiencing brain fog, have a headache, and am massively irritable so steer clear unless you want to help. These can be classified as premenstrual symptoms (PMS) and they differ from person to person varying in severity levels.

Have you ever experienced any aches or pain? A client of mine recently developed severe backache and seemed like his whole world shifted. He just could not think straight or focus on anything as the pain was taking most of his energy.

Growing up I remember how conscious one used to be when there was a skin breakout and the remedies that were concocted to fix it as soon as possible. Now consider someone who is suffering from a prolonged skin condition, how much distress they must be experiencing emotionally and psychologically?

Or have you ever suffered from low iron or anaemia in your life and suddenly noticed a drop in energy levels which impacts your motivation along with the need to preserve energy?

Now, why am I talking about PMS, aches, acne, and blood quality?

As I am not a qualified doctor though I can proudly say with the ailments I have suffered during life I can surely qualify as half-quack.

Simply to point out that our determines our . Even if there is the slightest shift in our physical health it affects our .

I haven’t even touched the body image and its impact yet.

So, what do we do?
👉Of course, speak to a doctor and get your health checked regularly.

Though the other things that can help;
👉Establish a routine.

👉Ensure you are getting enough sleep.

👉Incorporate some – yoga, dancing, walking, swimming, etc.

👉Be mindful of what you eat.

👉Practice some form of mindfulness to not let intrusive thoughts overpower you.

👉 .

👉Talk to a trusted , confidante, , or .

When born, as babies we are the most confident and we are also the most vulnerable especially when we want our needs to be met. We are most loved and cared for just as we are with no conditions attached as there is nothing more important or valuable than our well-being (not always though).

Then we are introduced to our families, our grandparents, siblings, relatives, and so on. Who provides us with the first glimpses of ourselves and the culture…

👶It’s a boy! How wonderful…We will give him the best in the world.

👶Oh! It’s a girl, she needs to be protected.

👶Oops!! this was unplanned…

This is the beginning of our learning to interact and understand (which we do our entire lives) ourselves and others around us.
Then comes the growing process and us learning more about ourselves through familial, societal, and cultural lenses such as;

☝️ Favouring one child over the other based on their gender or order of birth, where, one child gets showered with all the attention and toys and the other one has to work exceptionally hard to prove themselves even to get the slightest of attention.

☝️Classifying beautiful based on their skin color.

☝️Making fun of them because of their size and calling them lazy, dumb, fat, and so on.

☝️Shower them with attention and call them good or bad based on their performance at school, sports, music, etc.

☝️Or on the flip side teach them to play mediocre so as not to get any unwanted attention.

☝️Or promoting sibling rivalry to be able to control them.

☝️Enforcing idiotic rules on who has a voice or not.

These are a few surface-level narratives (not stereotypical) that play out in different cultures. Though they aid in shaping our identities, personalities, , and how we experience the world.
So why am I talking about it? Or what happens if things don’t unfold as one has learned them?

Simple! blame your parents, family, dog, parrot, or culture.

Big No!!!

As we grow in these cultures, we get systemically desensitized and out of tune with ourselves. So, if things don’t work the way we know them, our insecurities, desire to control, or other unwanted thoughts and feelings crop up from the place of wanting to , , or to . Since we do not understand them, we feel exceptionally uncomfortable and out of sync.

So, what do we do?

👉Expand your .

👉As I always say, get to know yourself. Your , skills, , etc.

👉Be , of what has worked for you and what does not serve you anymore.

👉Be open and flexible to learn and grow. There is no universal truth.

👉Have deep respect and gratitude for differences otherwise we would all be boxes on a manufacturing line.

👉Seek professional help from a therapist, or counselor for any abuse, or trauma that is stopping you.

👉Seek professional help from a life coach for beliefs that are blocking you.

There is a week dedicated to Mental Health Awareness every year. As if one was in a superb state for the rest of the year. It likes bringing attention to breathing well or eating well or being nice for just one week in a year and then going back to how you were.
Agree or disagree this is something we live with every day for our entire lives and something we should be aware and mindful of on daily basis.

Now, you may ask what is mental health?
There is a heavy definition by “WHO”, where mental health has been defined as a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and can make a contribution to his or her community.

Is it the same as such as anxiety, and depression?
Well, yes and no! Even though they are on the same spectrum they are quite distinct as you start noticing (or may recall years later) the pathological signs of mental illness in adolescence.

So, in simple words, mental health or well-being is when we have a good life, we have a purpose in life, and we have good connections with ourselves and with others.

Sounds easy to manage right?
Sure, if we just lived by ourselves but no man/woman is an island. Many influencing factors contribute to mental health such as our culture, biological, social, work, and physical environments to name a few.

When even one of these factors is moved it impacts our mental health in various ways. As humans, we seek certainty most of the time and if it is shifted, we tend to project i.e., cover our feelings of insecurity, fear, etc. by lashing out at others or forming poor . Thereby impacting their mental health.

Now, why am I writing such a long-winded post?
Simply stated, we are all responsible for our own and no one else is responsible for it nor is there any magic pill.
And no!! alcohol, smoking, eating (over, under, binge), s*x, or substance abuse is not a cure for it either.

So, what can you do?

👉Know thyself. Build by knowing your limits, strengths, weaknesses, etc.

👉 Be of how you talk to yourself as that is how you will talk/present yourself to others.

👉 Accept that we are all humans and there is no perfection. Be perfect in your imperfections.

👉Stop running on autopilot.

👉Listen to your body, stress can manifest in many ways.

👉Build through self-care, build mental, and emotional physical health, and connections.

👉 It’s ok to be lost, ask for support.

👉Move away from toxicity – environment, people.

👉 Seeking guidance, , and therapy is not a stigma.

👉Seek professional help for abuse, trauma, and belief systems that are stopping you.

👉 Last but not least be kind and compassionate to yourself.

Should I stay or should I go

😕 I am tired after a long day at work, maybe I should get take-outs for dinner but take-outs are unhealthy, I should cook something healthy. Should I eat out or cook?

😕 My partner makes me coffee whenever I ask him; he is a nice person but he has never supported me when I needed him to. Should I be with him or leave him?

😕 I want to start a new venture and be successful but I want to lead a balanced life and not chase things. Should I pursue or leave it?

😕 I want to lose weight and feel confident about myself but then people will judge me as vain and selfish.

😕 I love my job; it pays well but I do not want to be working forever as I want my freedom.

All these conflicting conversations sound tiring, right? Have you had days when there is a constant counterargument occurring in your head?

Well!! We all do have or thoughts and feelings now and then. It can be helpful when you are weighing the positive and negative of a situation, person, or decision. However, it leads to a feeling of discomfort and incongruence when we cannot get past it and it hampers our life or our decision-making.

So, why do we have ambivalent feelings?

👉 We do not know our .

👉 .

👉 Do not understand if it is an internal conflict – mental or
emotional such as fear of rejection, opposing desires, or anxiety.

👉 Do not understand if it is an external conflict – environmental, personality conflicts.

How can we deal with these feelings?

👉Know thyself. i.e., explore your values.

👉 It's ok! no situation or person is perfect.

👉 Slow down and stop rushing yourself into making a decision.

👉 Ask yourself, “Why is this an issue for me?”.

👉 Speak to a to work through your belief system.

Being an introvert, I find it exceptionally tasking to get out of my comfort zone to put myself out there and establish a . To get to know a person and to feel about the relationship. After all, it is so much more manageable reading a book or sitting behind a computer screen to do things 😊

We are surrounded by all the time, at our home, workplace, shopping malls, and supermarkets. Yet! There are times when it is too hard to connect with people. We want to forge strong, meaningful connections yet find the absence of the same in our lives and crave for it.

Why? Maybe because things have become too transitional and transactional and the intent to connect is not there.

Human is said to be social animal and forging connections is good for our mental health and our overall wellbeing.

When we are born, our relationship with our prime caregiver is crucial for our well-being as an adult.
founded by John Bowlby, in our formative years helps us mentalize our state and that of others in navigating our lives.

Have you ever wondered that you have gone through the day’s activities and met a raft of people and yet have been absent from the conversations or failed to form that connection?

Did you ever explore why?
☝️You are not good at small talk.
☝️You are emotionally absent (experiencing personal issues).
☝️You fear rejection.
☝️You are in a new environment.
☝️You focus too much on your flaws or weaknesses.
☝️You focus too much on the other person’s flaws (do not judge or have expectations).
☝️Trauma from past relationships leads to trust issues.
☝️Waiting for the other person to take the first step.
☝️Extensive use of social media (so much easier behind the screen).
☝️Psychological reasons such as depression, anxiety, social anxiety, or personality disorders.
☝️Too busy.

How do we know that we have made a human connection?
👉 When we are listened to and understood and vice versa.
👉Showing empathy.
👉Helping someone out of unconditional goodwill.
👉 Offering and receiving sincere gratitude.

So, how can we shift and achieve the goal of connecting?
👉Be yourself.
👉Be open and vulnerable.
👉 Ask “interested” questions.
👉 Meet new people.
👉 Listen actively.
👉 Speak to a or a to overcome your blocks.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves...Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

☝️I want to get fitter by training regularly and eating well.

☝️ I want an exciting new role.

☝️ I want a fulfilling relationship.

☝️I want to learn photography.

☝️I want to start a side hustle to earn more income.

☝️I want to learn a new programming language.

☝️ I will climb the this year.


We all have some that we would like to achieve across various facets of our lives such as , , , and . Do you just and about it? Thinking someday when the time is right, I will do it.

Well!! The time is right when you are ready to act.

Though we need to be physiologically and psychologically prepared for it.

What are the top things you need in your toolkit for you to pursue and achieve your aspirations?

👉Passion

👉Mindset

👉Courage

👉Action steps or to do’s

👉Support system

👉Physical energy

👉Coach

Would love to hear your top three, post them in the comments 😊😊

A Broken Kettle

Having regular tea and coffee is key to the smooth flowing of my day. So, the water boiling kettle plays a pivotal role in my life. Recently, the lid of this “important kettle” stopped functioning as desired. Thereby every time one boiled and poured water into a cup, it was of inconvenience as the steam would come directly onto your hand and the chances of you getting burned by steam were higher. Now, all the family members noticed this dysfunction and tried to put the lid on different ways so it would fit through to no success. Hence it was deemed and announced too quickly that the kettle cannot be used anymore for its purpose and that a new one needs to be bought.

The thought of disruption of going out and buying a new kettle made me look inside the kettle and there I found the clip for the lid that had tilted slightly and on changing it back to its original position it did the job, the lid slid back splendidly. Hurray... Victory!!!

Now one would say, come on that’s common sense you should have done that in the first place. But then again that’s the thing we do not exercise often along with other factors such as , , , or , and get flustered with the first signs of things not working as desired assuming it will not work, giving up and looking for alternative avenues.

Have you ever come across situations or people where no amount of desired effort brought any results? Making you think that there is no hope or that there is no point as this person would not understand or change?

Have you tried looking inside from a different perspective? What is it that is triggering you that needs to be looked at differently?

More than often after a few tries, we give up.

Here are a few things that can help;

👉Flex your thinking and try to view from a different .

👉 Stop assuming.

👉 If one method fails, try a different one – .

👉 .

👉 If you are feeling stuck then speak to a to get a .

I have a client (Person A) who despite doing economically well finds it hard to live comfortably (not lavishly) and is constantly talking that money is hard to come by and that I am not rich.

Person B has done exceptionally well in her health journey and yet is very uncomfortable with food and has a negative relationship with food and strongly believes that she will lose everything that is her confidence, her self-esteem, or even loves from others if she eats or treats herself occasionally.

Person C is a creative person and can create anything from scratch and recently developed a range of personal care products as a side hustle for customers. Though believes that going into it full time and monetizing it will take them away from their loved ones and that money is evil of all things.

Last one, Person D found a new role that most would dream to have and that this role would stretch and challenge them to their fullest potential and yet believes that they are not worth it.
Sounds familiar? Where is all this coming from?? What are you feeding yourself about , , , or ?

Little do we realize that our become our reality. Thoughts are present in our conscious and subconscious minds.

Though when we give power to it and make it real and accept it to be true, it becomes our belief.

Most of our are inherited and are fairly formed by the age of 6-7 from the significant people in our lives, that we hold onto for most of our lives in believing to be true. If not, then we work exceptionally hard to gather evidence to prove so. Beliefs are just beliefs and not facts or universal truth.

So, what is your narrative? Is it serving you or limiting you?

👉 Listen to yourself - Say it out loud or write it and read back to yourself.

👉 Maintain a daily thought journal (awkward as it may sound but it is like keeping a daily diary).

👉 Dispute your thought patterns.

👉To your speak to a .

Transform with Verve