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Bahis-bahis

Energy

The cold night hit
my nape. So music gongs,
through dark trees, and street lamps,
and light, and independence.
Taking in inertia, the weight,
or discovery, of strength, or memory,
in nature’s winds,
as they carry the cells
that we've shed from a time
of deep wounds,
and emergence.

AI Photos (alcohol induced)
bday ni rembert

22/10/2023

● Asako Narahashi, Kawaguchiko #2, 2003

02/07/2023

"July 1. The wish for an unthinking, reckless solitude. To be face to face only with myself."

-The Diaries Franz Kafka(happy birthday!), 1910-1913

He really said "July please be good to me".

14/04/2023

Ends

In a cramped room, I sat beside a petrified Virgin Mary, and learned about her different lives. It was a blessing to listen to, and so I did. Listened, for hours on end.

Through her I saw when people do want to be saved. You can see it, clearer when it's quiet and peaceful. They'll hesitate, but their hand will reach out to you, albeit stretching halfway. It was really dark in that cramped room, but her body, which was made of stone, might have moved the same way.

However, my little land of wheat had just started to grow. My bones are still brittle dry, with blood watery thin from tilling the soil myself. I have only regained enough strength to fetch a bucket of water for us to sit and drink to. Talk to, for hours on end.

Until then, dear, listen to me. In our feeble, fleeting little lives, we get to meet different pains, and losses. Yet, we are given all of Earth's living years to grieve, or yearn, for each of these encounters. So, I'll sit here and write, waiting.

My best regards,
----
p.s. When can we see each other again?

16/03/2023

"The appearance of a rat as it fled for its life with all its strength, laboring under a fate that would end in death, remained strangely in my mind. I had a lonely, unpleasant feeling.

That was the truth, I thought to myself. Before the quietness that I aspired toward, there was that terrible suffering. I might have an affection for the quietness after death, but until I achieved that death, I would likely have a dreadful time of it. Creatures that did not know of su***de had to continue their efforts until they had finally done dying.

If I were in a situation similar to the rat's, what would I do? Wouldn't I struggle, as the rat had done?" At Kinosaki, Naoya Shiga

Angkol walking through the rain, Bankerohan Bridge. 2023 low res GIF

Kanang nagbaktas lang gani ka unya gibuhatan dayon kag GIF na naay existential quote.

27/12/2022

Emails from a beach dog.

Good morning!

I was on the beach, taking a nap. It was not too soon that I felt a sharp pain beneath my foot— it was a live coral.

No, I'm not sure if I saw you in it too, I don't remember. At least, not in this dream.

Your friend,

21/11/2022

Na recover ang page lols.

Took a short time off social media to retreat, and recollect. There's a faint but nauseous pressure from social media that is unecessary. Excess that you just have to brush off.

Regaining focus, a job that's been keeping me at a steady pace, and the day-offs' kadlawong-dako walks that help in keep my head healthy. Things had gone way too fast lately, I've been blindsided on my way trying to catch up, but we're recovering. On the bright side, I have enjoyed, taken comfort in, going out, and retracing the routes I would walk, many rebuilt road sections ago, together with my mother, lola, lolo, or uncle. Having a habit of watching out for the nuances of daily life, in Bisaya, "himantayon", has always made the lakwatsa interesting.

Sa painitan (kanang sikwate o palabok), there's usually the ante na naka tank-top neon dri-fit, jacket tied to their waist, na maki-chika pa sa tindera, maybe an old friend, or silingan. Her timid angkol husband na naka dark windbreaker, military cap, brooding, humble, ug astig, waiting, with their arms folded on the plastic table, for their usually no-milk sikwate and p**o maya (tapol). On mondays, sometimes there's that early Cityhigh student, with hair still wet, heading to where they could hop on a jeepney en route to the campus, who would notice another cityhighan, na gisundo sa motor, which would also make them pick up the pace, modestly shuffling each foot, as if trying to catch up, but not really, to the two-wheel's ETA. There's also the morning shift ferryman, who I would always catch singing a few alt-rock song lines out of his lungs.

Then there's this clip I've always wanted to take. Early morning, from the riverside, a red or yellow fishing boat, cruising on this river towards the sun. Early morning came, heading home, but right as I was about to take the left turn, to which I would've had the river at my back, nitingog manang tambutso bangka chuy, lo and behold a red boat reveals itself, slow-mo like in action or astronaut movies, from the pillars of Bangkerohan bridge. I had to walk back a few meters to get a good shot before the boat passes by, and landed here. Could've raised the angle higher, or moved a few more meters back, because there could've been a cat prowling on some patch of grass on the foreground, but I feared to miss the boat. It's not much, but I'm happy with this shot, it's been inside my head for a few years now.

Point is, I can no longer go to Del Mar's painitan with the complete couple, both lola and lolo, to put brown sugar on over p**o maya, and drink hot chocolate. Yet, I can still take my mornings there, and maybe even bring my grandmother with me. So go there, I did, every days off; one plate of palabok, and a cup of hot chocolate(no-evap), leave the place, then just start walking for a few hours until it gets warm enough. This time, we switched up the route a little bit, and encountered the little magic with the fishing boat.

A quote from a video game I haven't played yet, (spoilers)
"To grieve deeply is to have loved fully. Open your heart to the world as you have opened it to me, and you will find every reason to keep living it."
-Faye, Laufey (GOW: Ragnarok)

I'm not a writer, so I'm sorry for having you read that.

01/10/2022

some people watch movies to process their pain and grief.
sunday masses and our sins. god to its people; hell to sinners, heaven to devotees, and limbo to the working class. there's no escape.

photo context!
bottom to top
movie fridays! 3am lunch breaks! Internal training graduation! (september)