Watsamatta U.

Well, Folks, it's the 4th of of July - our great nation's birthday! While our President is trying to burn down Mt. Rushmore (along with the rest of the country) those of us who aren't among the lucky 7500 Covid-spreaders who are there to bear witness stay home and wait for something not bad to happen. The campus remains shut down, so there's no wild parties going on in the student bar or the science wing (named after Dr. Science Wing, one of our graduates who managed to stay out of jail long enough to earn a Doctorate and now practices in Kneecap, Nebraska. Not sure what he does but we do know and trust that if he keeps practicing he'll get it right eventually. He also wrote a book called "No Pants Romance").

So while peaceful protesters get the crap kicked out of them for exercising their constitutional rights, state Capitols are stormed by fat, goatee'd white men dressed and armed like Rambo because their constitutional right to spread disease is being taken away by a leftist communist socialist cabal and the federal government acts like there is no federal government, let's take a moment to wish our country a happy birthday because it's looking more and more like this could be the last one.

Take care, all of you. And PLEASE WEAR A FU***NG MASK. What's WRONG with you? Practice social distancing. Why is that so hard to understand. YOU COULD DIE. Nobody is trying to take away your rights. If you want to stand outside government buildings and chant "USA USA" go ahead. But do it through a mask.

Love and kisses from your leftist co**ie socialist friends at Watsamatta U.

Watsamatta U. remains shut down due to the nasty virus that's devastating our country. Please, everybody continue (or begin, you idiots) practicing social distancing and for chissakes wear a mask! This is no joke. Our staff remains at home (everyone will be on paid leave as long as the money holds out), sheltering in place, only going out when they CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!! ARGH!!! Oh..sorry about that. We have advised our students to go home and sponge off of their parents.

But, seriously folks, protect yourself. This is not over by a long shot. Nobody's trying to take away your freedom. This virus is a threat to your life, The feds could be doing a little more to help besides sending in the national guard to beat the crap out of us, but until that happens let's all do our best to work together and stay safe!

Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U!

Watsamatta U. has shut down and kicked everyone out until this virus thing has blown over. The fact that we've been shut down for a couple of years already doesn't figure into this.

In case you're wondering, we've been fighting a lawsuit over an issue with a former student, Clyde Snide, who is claiming that he didn't learn anything useful at W.U. Our defense has been that 'useful' is a relative term. Mr. Snide earned a master's degree in Bucket Measurement, but rather than pursue a career in this promising field, he decided to try to squeeze money out of his alma mater. If he should win this suit we'll kneecap him.

Our attorneys (the firm Duzzy Rookem and Howe) have advised us not to say anything more about this.

Everyone stay well and stay safe. We'll be back. The world will shake this off and get back to things.

And stop hoarding!. The reason for the shortages of paper products is you and your stupid hoarding. Buy a bidet or just let it slide.

Happy New Year from all of us at Watsamatta U,! We'll be resuming classes soon although we don't know exactly when (because that's how we roll). Staff and students are finding their way back from whatever and wherever. Let's hope 2019 is a better year than some others we've been through.

MERRY XMAS from staff, students and drug dealers here at America's premier institution of higher learning. Merry Xmas from Watsamatta U, too!

As the new year approaches, W.U. would like to announce the following staff changes:

Our new football coach and highest-paid faculty member will be ex-NFL quarterback "Blind" Willie McFlinch. Although he only played one quarter of a pro game with his team, The Little Rock Crybabies, it remains one of the most poorly-executed and cringe-worthy performances on a football field for any reason. Rather than go into painful detail, let's say that Mr. McFlinch's performance lost the game for the struggling team, ended any chance of entering the ridiculously complicated playoff system, robbed the crime-ridden and scandal-plagued city of any chance at civic pride, resulted in the suicides of 2 officials, 3 players ( 1 of whom was on the opposing team, the Boise Knick-Knacks), caused the newly built stadium to burn down from "dangerously under equipped coal-fired sewage system" and somehow resulted in the astounding sweep of the House and Senate by the Peace and Freedom party.

So please join us in welcoming Coach McFlinch to the W.U. family!

New African-American studies department head La'Quann Utumo Bolobassa Zulu-Tutu's latest book, the George Harrison biography "While My Sitar Sullenly Snivels" sold not one copy, so in order to pay back his publisher Vanity Dreams Book Printers, he had to take this job. Famous for thinking on his feet, shooting from the hip and making things up on the spot (like, say, his name), Mr. Zulu-Tutu will most likely stray too far from the lesson plan and get fired. He hopes to hang on long enough to qualify for unemployment assistance. Barring that, he plans to hurl himself from a second-story window and, if he survives, sue the school for enough money to buy a new car.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Zulu-Tutu!

And last but not least, Watsamatta U. has a new head of security. Ex-Navy Seal Sniper / Frogman/ Demolition / Special Assignment / Black Ops guy, Staff Sgt Bull "The Exaggerator" Schitt promises to bring a new military precision to the security staff. "You people who double-park or misuse handicap and yellow zones aren't gonna know what hitcha", he says before executing a few swift ninja moves that suggest a drunk, blind and near-deaf Steven Segal hobbling down a hospital corridor after prostate surgery. He promises that the security team, currently consisting of 4 75-year-old ex-cops who drive around in Kushmans, urinate frequently and have to drink "medicinal" vodka several times a day, will soon be a battle-hardened team of stealth fighters driving new "Destroyer" Kushmans that come with a wet bar and private urinal. The new scooters will be equipped with GPS, back-up cameras with beepers and that James Bond thing that dumps nails out of the tailpipe or wherever. The funds for all of the training and futuristic equipment comes via a grant from the cash-rich but brains-poor Department of Homeland Security, which has somehow decided that our dear Watsamatta U is a potential target (or home...they never made that clear) for especially inept and misguided terrorists.

That's it for now. More staff announcements are in the pipeline - hopefully including at least 3 departures.

Because of the usual poor scheduling by chief scheduler Sybil "New Fat Drunky" McPhatt who, despite living in her rusty broken down '85 Renault Alliance convertible in the Administration lot, still can't seem to get to work on time, classes will be held until midnight on Christmas Eve. The last scheduled class of the night will be # 3 in the current guest lecture series titled "Lectured" The Guest Lecture Guy will be Professor "Profane" Bill Hiccup, who will be presenting the case for Winston Churchill's suspected hidden agenda for dragging Merry Old England into the horrible but heavily dramatized 2nd War of the World (it seems the Prime Minister- jokingly referred to by his staff as W.C. Field Marshall - was planning to open a string of German-language schools.) Expect the esteemed lecturer's eclectic blend of ribald stories, phlegmatic asides, misrepresented facts and outright fabrications. Professor Hiccup often wears clever disguises to throw the students off and frighten them. One costume - he wore a bloody sheet and carried an axe that was found to be splattered with real human blood - nearly got him arrested. Claiming to be the famous axe murderer Sounheimer "Sheets" Killersteen, Professor Hiccup explained that the blood was that of his own wife, who he claimed have hacked to death that very morning. Then he explained to the shocked constables that his wife, Francine, was alive and well and had left that morning for a walk around the world. Everyone got a good laugh out of that one!

Lecture begins at 7pm in room 24B of the History Building. Don't forget to tip your waitress and, please, try the veal.

There's apparently another Watsamatta U page that's not this one. This the one. Not the other one, which is not this one.

The staff here at Watsamatta U would like to take a moment to wish one of our mighty founders, wealthy recluse Earl J. Grinstead, Jr. a happy 64th birthday. Although he's no longer involved in the day-to-day operations of the school, he still come to the campus every day for free food and to walk around telling anyone who'll listen that he is a "mighty founder",

...and construction continues on the new campus. We are interviewing potential new staff and selecting furniture and colors for the walls. There was a small glitch when our main money guy, who we affectionately call "Legbreaker" spent a bit of time behind bars for some outstanding traffic tickets and suspicion of murder with intent to kill. His lawyer Billy "Bribe 'em" Kowalski, got him off the hook by proving he maybe didn't do the crimes and then broke him out by carving a gun into a bar of soap. When accused of facilitating the escape, Kowalski claimed DNA "Don't Know Anything" and was promptly removed from the suspect list. In other news the lead detective, Lenny "dirty cop" McCrook, won a brand new Tesla automobile in a lottery no one else seemed to know anything about. Presiding judge Clarence "See? We got a black guy" Thomas, when asked about how quickly the prime suspect was freed, simply replied in his simple folksy manner that has made him so popular with uninformed du*****es "I'm hopin' to get me one o' them Teslas too if they still handin' 'em out like candy. And I want some candy, too." Like we say here at Watsamatta U. "It's all good" and "Smile and back away"

Happy New Year to all from us here at Watsamatta U. As you may know, we had kind of a rough 2016 but apparently so did most of you. So ha ha. Construction continues on our new campus and we expect to be up and running by Valentine's Day! When we round up what's left of our staff we'll be able to sort out who's gonna do what. Until then let's hope for the best and expect the worst. We're putting our new curriculum together and would appreciate input from you, the common folk. The great unwashed. The cannon fodder. The hopeless and helpless. You get the idea. Or maybe you don't. Who cares? We sure don't. We're gonna ignore your suggestions anyway. Now go play. Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U.!

Happy Thanksgiving from students and staff at Watsamatta U.! We are sure that this year families will be discussing the current political climate as they sit around the table. Please be civil. Don't throw food. Weird Uncle Louie may be a Republican, but he's still your uncle. Cousin Fredo may have voted for Gary Johnson, but he still deserves your love and understanding. Maybe his hand slipped. And sure, the twins both voted for Hillary. It's their right. That's what makes this country great - freedom of "choice" (sorry about the quotes. It happens every time we type that word). We've forgotten to mention Donald Trump and Jill Stein. There. We did.

Hey everyone. Watsamatta U. is now operating as a sort of "tent city" while the new campus buildings are constructed. Our new finance guy, Mr. Luigi "Legbreaker" Boticelli, has requested the addition of certain structures to the campus, like a windowless underground storage room which he indicated would be used to store the possessions of what he describes as "former associates" and a large safe in the finance office in which hweplans to store "rainy day cash". Since Mr. Boticelli is providing the funds for the new campus buildings we have decided not to ask too many questions and honor his modest requests.

Classes are resuming in the larger tents, with the smaller ones reserved for student housing. Porta-potties have been installed in convenient places and the Wespiilit Oil company, which is upriver fro campus, have given us permission to bathe in the nearby Dead Fish River. Students and staff are advised not to spend too much time in the water "as a precaution" despite the fact that Wespillit has not had an oil leak in "several months". We have also been advised not to visit the nearby villiage of Stinktown for unspecified reasons.

Thanks to Mr. Boticelli, his "associates" and Wespillit Oil for helping our glorious school come back fro yet another disaster! Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U.!

Below are pictures of the W.U. "tent city (the large structure in the background is the home of college president Mr. Richard Guy, which was not affected by the explosion)/ and the beautiful Wespillit oil refinery, whose motto is: "Safety? Oh, yeah...safety".

All personnel are now present and accounted for. Missing employee Dr. F**k Yu, Policeman Officer Bob and his dog Smelly, who were hunting for the alleged explosives (which turned out to be not so alleged) were found sleeping in the Dean's office, which for some reason is bomb-proof. They said that after becoming bored searching they bought a bottle of Horace gin ("the gin that does you in" according to the commercials and the Department of Health) at the student liquor store, drank it and passed out. Now Watsamatta U. can begin the process of rebuilding. Since the school's disaster insurance only covered the cost of a rental car and a few nails and there's not a bank in the world that will loan us money, we have made a deal with an "outside source": Luigi "Legbreaker" Boticelli who said in a prepared staement: "Yuose guys desoive da money. Stoonts desoive to be edumacated. My interest rates may be high, but I know youse guys is good for da money". When asked why he was talking like an east coast gangster when he is, in fact, Italian, Mr. Boticelli said: "Mama mia, that's-a right! I keepa forget!" Mr. Boticelli, pictured below, made his fortune in "Consultation".

We are sad to report that that bomb threat was real. Photography instructor Gnashem Teethy was nearby and snapped a picture of the explosion as it happened. Not only was half of our (relatively) brand-new campus destroyed, but chemistry instructor Dr. F**k Yu, along with local policeman Officer Bob (and his dog, Smelly), have not been found. We're gonna poke around in the ruins for a bit and then have a memorial service where everyone will get falling-down drunk and start yelling at each other. At this point there is some hope that they will be found (thus ruining our party plans) because we haven't actually started looking yet. Dean "Clean Dean" Wally Manhandle-Heimer said in a prepared statement: "We will not let this unfortunate incident disrupt the mission of Watsamatta U. - to edumacate the edumacatable. We will just borrow some money from Luigi "Legbreaker" Botacelli and rebuild!"

UPDATE! It turns out the the local police department not only does not have a bomb squad, but there's only one police officer! Known affectionately as "Officer Bob" (even though his name is Stanley), he doubles as the town's ice cream man (and, yes, his squad car is also an ice cream truck). Apparently all those "policemen" who raided the campus several months ago were actually members of a local militia, known as The Tea Bag Party. They help out law enforcement with raids and ice cream parties as a sideline. With the campus now completely evacuated, Officer Bob and his dog "Smelly" are doing a room-by-room search for explosives, assisted by Watsamatta U's own Chemistry Instructor, Dr. F**k Yu. Dr. Yu doesn't know much about bombs, but he needs the overtime.

This just in: the Watsamatta U. campus is being evacuated due to a bomb threat. Front office receptionist Mrs. C. Nyle said a caller identifying himself as "A. Fan" told her that Watsamatta U. was "the bomb" and that he hoped it would "blow up" in a big way. It's probably nothing, but it gives us all a chance to run down to our favorite bar, Smitty's One-Stop Alcohol Emporium, Hangover Cure, Addiction Treatment Center and A.A. Meeting".

In reference to our last post, we are pleased to announce the hiring of our new vetting officer, Mr. Buster C. McVet. His job will be to make sure we don't hire any active criminals or p**n merchants (who are not hired AS p**n merchants). Mr. McVet served proudly in the United Stated Navy until last week, when he was kicked out for being a p**n merchant. Our feeling is it takes one to know one. As part of his negotiated benefits package, he gets to bring along his assistant, Miss Bunny Foo Foo "Legs" Comisky. Miss Comisky has given us no details about her past employment but since Mr. McVet vouches for her that's fine. He says he's vetted her several times. Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U.!

We haven't been posting of late because other stuff. That doesn't mean we're not thinking of you, dear Facebook buddies. We are compiling a list of staff changes to announce - actually more for us than you because we need to sort out these weird people wandering the halls. Do they work for us or not? The other day we found a guy hiding in a broom closet who claimed to be an English professor. We knew he was lying because he wasn't English! (although he did turn out to be a professor. We need to seriously overhaul our vetting process).

Please join Watsamatta U. in welcoming our new Dean, "Clean Dean" Wally Manhandle-Heimer. Doctor Manhandle-Heimer (he's not a real doctor - he's got a Phd. in something) comes to us from The College of French Martial Arts and Finger Painting, where he managed to last 20 years. According to his soon-to-be-published Autobiography, he says: "In the early days I drove a Volkswagen bus that had a Porsche engine. Later when I had money I got a ...what? Oh...I thought this was an AUTObiography! Sorry...". Anyway, he came to W.U, after being asked to leave C.F.M.A.F.P. when it was discovered that he didn't actually do anything except show up every day and he sometimes dressed like a nun. W.U.'s previous Dean, "Murderin' Freddy" McMurder, is, of course in prison for murder due his staggeringly bad portrayal of Sherlock Holmes in the musical "Singin' Sherlock" in which me murdered several otherwise-enjoyable songs like "I Like Watson and Watson Likes Me" and 'Not That Watson, My Cat Watson". Dean Manhandle-Heimer has announced that his office will have an open-door policy. "My door is always open", he says, "But don't come in". Welcome aboard, Dr. Manhandle-Heimer!

Watsamatta U. is proud and happy to say that the strike has been resolved with the resumption of unlimited p**n access for the IT department AND a huge cake from which a scantly-clad young lady will leap and yell "Surprise!" to no one in particular and everyone in general (please understand that this is her JOB and she is not being s*xually exploited or compelled for financial reasons to do something that she has no taste for. In fact, she LIKES cake). Regular posts will resume soon. As you can imagine, being offline for all that time had created an incredible backlog of computer stuff and will occupy staff for at least the better part of an afternoon! Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U.!

While it's true that Watsamatta U. has not posted on Facebook in a while, that doesn't mean nothing is going on here! In fact, there's a loit going on. So much is going on that we have not had time to write about it. Our IT department is currently on strike because we blocked all of the p**n sites until they got some work done. The department head, Johnny "Nerd" Nerdster said in a prepared statement: "This is a prepared statement regarding preparations for our preparedness. We are prepared to stay on strike until we get our p**n access back and/or get a giant cake with a naked (or bikini-clad) young lady inside who leaps out and yells "Surprise!" to no one's real surprise. We do not want a repeat of last year when the young lady was actually baked into the cake and without the quick thinking of my assistant, Milo "Nerd" Fassbinder, would have suffocated and perhaps been eaten by a bunch of hungry disappointed IT guys. Anyway, we're on strike" So clearly they mean business. And apparently they are prepared. We will keep you informed as this situation progresses. Or not.

While it's true that Watsamatta U. has not posted on Facebook in a while, that doesn't mean nothing is going on here! In fact, there's a loit going on. So much is going on that we have not had time to write about it. Our IT department is currently on strike because we blocked all of the p**n sites until they got some work done. The department head, Johnny "Nerd" Nerdster said in a prepared statement: "This is a prepared statement regarding preparations for our preparedness. We are prepared to stay on strike until we get our p**n access back and/or get a giant cake with a naked (or bikini-clad) young lady inside who leaps out and yells "Surprise!" to no one's real surprise. We do not want a repeat of last year when the young lady was actually baked into the cake and without the quick thinking of my assistant, Milo "Nerd" Fassbinder, would have suffocated and perhaps been eaten by a bunch of hungry disappointed IT guys. Anyway, we're on strike" So clearly they mean business. And apparently they are prepared. We will keep you informed as this situation progresses. Or not.

Watsamatta U. alumni Sparky Grinstead is performing in Berkeley, CA with his band, The Mighty Backorders. Sparky rarely performs these days due to health reasons so this is a rare treat. This time around they are playing Bob Dylan's greatest album, Self Portrait, it's entirety. (Sparky majored in Rock 'n' Roll and went on to become a toll collector on the Golden Gate Bridge. .As he was collecting his diploma he said "There's no money in music and I need insurance".

The show is at Ohmega Salvage, a honest- to goodness junk yard, on December 6th. Sparky is known for playing weird places. and doing weird stuff like playing entire albums that nobody really likes Tickets are $10.00 suggested.The venue is kid and dog friendly - kids are free!. Proceeds will go to Sparky's bank account and will later be wasted on s*x, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

Watsamatta U. ia alway proud of grads, especially the ones who get jobs. Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U.!

Everyone here at Watsamatta U. would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a happy and safe holiday season. There are millions of people around the world who don't have it nearly as good as we do. We are grateful for our good fortune and do our best to help make the playing field more level so everyone can have an equal chance at a successful, productive life. There are also millions of people around the world who have it way, way better than us. F**k them.

Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U.!!

NO DEBATES FOR W.U. - Once again Watsamatta U's offer to host the Republican and/or Democratic debates has been politely refused by both parties. The first offer, sent via U.S. mail, was returned unopened. Phone calls went unanswered and text messages were ignored. Finally, several representatives from Watsamatta U., including Chief Negotiator Fred "The Russian" Klotzmansteinberger and head cheerleader Rhonda "Smelly" Smelly went in person to both party headquarters with a folder full of fancy diagrams and outlines - and a rather substantial "donation". Though they smiled and nodded and took the money, both Republicans and Democrats refused the offers. When the Watsamatta representatives insisted on an explanation, several burly men in matching sweatshirts escorted them to the parking lot and offered to "rearrange their faces" just like in the 1955 gangster movie, "Rearrange Your Face" in which gangsters offered to "rearrange" someone's "face" for some reason or other. The movie starred Ronnie Cowdung and Grace Appeal, two young actors who were never heard from again.

Friday is Movie Night! This Friday, November 20th, is the first Watsamatta U. "Stay Inside And Watch A Movie Friday" that will be a regular campus feature through the winter. This Friday's movie will be "Norge To Alaska", a 1967 film starring that kid who played Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch as a refrigerator salesman trainee who is banished to the Aleutian Islands after accidentally crippling his boss with an exploding T.V. dinner. The supporting cast includes country singer Buck Owens and his band The Buckaroos who play a bunch of Eskimo musicians trying to earn airfare to Memphis. They perform the song "Dang, It's Cold" in a rather contrived-looking concert sequence and their hit single 'Holy Crap, Turn On The Heat" plays over the opening and closing credits. Critic Jim Slaughter of the Miami Basket-Times said of this film: "Although it has moments of unintended deadpan humour and at least one song by Buck Owens, I cannot recommend paying good money to see this movie. If you have any bad money lying around, use that". Showtimes are 8 and 11 pm at the Campus Movie Room in the Some Rich Guy Paid For This Pavilion. Watsamatta who? Watsamatta U.!

When you're visiting the Watsamatta U. campus, be sure to stop in at Bob's Gross and Awful for a meal, snack or a quick cup of coffee. Located in the sub-basement of the Student Onion Building (please note: not the Student Union Building - that's a different place altogether) next to the trash compactors, Bob's Gross and Awful is a full-service, student-run restaurant that has received rave reviews in the local press since opening last month. The "Bob" of Bob's Gross and Awful is professor William "Bob" Eater, the chair of the food management degree program. Professor Eater manages the restaurant and the workers, from dishwashers to the maitre 'd, are students enrolled in some aspect of the food management program. The current head chef, "Fat" Clyde McPhat, transferred into the program and changed his major from Historical Asphalt to Hamburger Construction when he realized that free food was involved. The Student Onion Building, named after Raul "Student Onion" Cuba Gooding Gee Whiz Carla Thomas, who graduated in '09 and promptly moved back in with his parents, is located at the south end of the campus near the volleyball courts.

It has recently been brought to the attention of administration that the lights in several classrooms in the math building don't work. When we notified Campus Services we were informed that Watsamatta U. does not have a "math building", that is, a building where math is done - a building devoted to the subject of mathematics. The campus does, however, have a building that is named after Watsamatta U. donor, rich guy Quasimodo J. Math, that is called The Math building. Campus Services is requesting clarification of this issue. Are there lights out in classrooms in the "Math Building" or in the apparently non-existent "math building"? Please stop by the Forms Office and complete a form -567-GHT-890-Q (Lights Form) and submit it the Completed Forms Office. Watsamatta U. is converting to "paperless" so there may not be any forms. If that is indeed the case, just pretend to fill one out and put it in the box (and make a sound like paper being moved, kinda like "ch-ch-ch-ch' or "woooosh chuff").

There will be a series of new lectures by a series of guest lecturers here at Watsamatta U. Among the subjects covered will be: Ike Turner, The vaccination "controversy", The moon landing "controversy", weird flavors for candy, the "controversy" surrounding the way people stand when they smoke, and the "controversy' about "quotation marks" when there is no "quote". Guests lecturers will include, but will not be limited to: The pizza delivery guy, a former Ikette, a doctor who can talk to animals, a religious guy and his surly teenage daughter who may or may not be pregnant, a woman who thought she could fly and broke her hip when she jumped from a table, and another doctor who can talk to animals. Check your class schedule for updates, changes and porr spelling.