Coats Counseling, LLC

Well, the holiday season is in full swing and while all the commercials on TV show perfect holiday parties and the influencer’s feeds show well-curated family portraits, many of us are struggling this holiday season to maintain some semblance of sanity.

In our latest blog post, Why the Holidays are so Tough, we talk about many of the reasons you may not be experiencing joy that we're told is *supposed to* come with the season. And in exploring that "why," we may have an easier time practicing self-compassion.

Click the link to read more, and remember to be gentle with yourself. https://www.coatscounseling.com/blog/why-the-holidays-are-so-tough

Giving up control, even on small tasks can be a big challenge. We like to feel in complete control of our surroundings. The holiday season tends to make that goal even more unrealistic than it already is! Here’s why...
If you struggle with stress or anxiety, feeling in control of external things often feels momentarily satisfying because of how out of control we may feel internally. But having control over external things is just a band aid and an illusion. This year, challenge yourself to delegate or ask for help with one task. Pause, take a deep breath, check in with yourself, with what you can realistically handle (and maybe even have some energy left over), and let one thing go. Allow yourself to feel free from being invested in the outcome of that one thing. Just enjoy the process. You got this!

Many couples come into my office with a similar story... “We love each other, we are best friends, but we don’t have s*x.” We have been told as a society that great intimacy and closeness breeds s*xual desire. So we get confused why the person we trust and care for the most doesn’t spark the same desire they may have in the beginning of a relationship. Security in a relationship is necessary, but it is not always s*xy! Sometimes we need distance, mystery, and curiosity to fan the flame of passion.

*xtherapy *xtherapist

The physical spaces we regularly occupy can have a great effect on our mental health. We may not have a lot of choice over what our space looks like (e.g., if we work in an office cubicle), or we may have lost control over our space (e.g., if kids have taken over our living room, or working from home has turned our dining room table into piles of paperwork). But even if we can’t completely design our space to suit our needs, we can look for opportunities to brighten it. Bring in some tchotchkes that make you smile or put up a calendar with colorful pictures in your cubicle. At home, plug in a scented diffuser or set a timer for five minutes every morning to straighten a small area. And if you really can’t change anything about your space? Make sure when you’re able to take breaks, you try to spend them in a space that makes you happier, even if that’s just going to a different part of your office floor to look out the window at the sky. Little things can make a big difference!

Our days are often filled to the brim with activities, situations, and tasks that are hard or stressful or just plain boring. For many of us, we’re not spending a lot of time doing things that bring us joy. So it’s really important, in the midst of everything else you’ve got going on, to find small moments for joy throughout your day. These moments can be anything - noticing how blue the sky is, how soothing a cold glass of water feels on your tongue, how cozy your sweater is, how sweet your child’s laugh sounds. The key is to be mindful during these moments. Even if you only take 20 seconds to notice them, be completely present in those seconds and acknowledge the joy you’re experiencing.

A lot of self care activities are aimed to make you feel good, e.g., taking a walk, meditating, calling up a friend. But sometimes self care can be hard, whether that’s because you have to do something you find uncomfortable or even downright scary. But ultimately, these activities will help support your mental, emotional, and physical health.

Here is a list of some difficult self care activities:

➡ Making and keeping annual doctors appointments
➡ Setting a boundary with a friend or loved one
➡ Reviewing your finances and creating a budget
➡ Sharing a burden you’ve been carrying by yourself with someone else
➡ Advocating for yourself at work
➡ Letting your partner know when they’ve hurt you
➡ Saying no to a night out with friends so you can rest

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare." - Audre Lorde
Consider this idea...no need to act on it, just imagine that another possibility could be true. That taking care of yourself, making your needs and desires a priority is actually kind, loving, and compassionate to others. You matter. And your positive self care routine can be beneficial to those around you.
Although they may not like it sometimes (thus the political warfare part!) setting healthy boundaries is good for all involved. Believing that you matter and your needs are allowed to come first should not be a radical idea, but sometimes it is. And it can make it scary to consider putting yourself first. But it is oh so necessary!

-SILENCE- It is one of the most powerful narratives around s*x we can receive. Silence can convey that s*x is unimportant, scary, dirty, awkward, abnormal, and maybe worst of all…shameful. I hear a lot of stories where even though there were no overt harming messages about s*x, the silence did just as much damage for beliefs about s*x and s*xuality.
Silence is communication without clarity. Maybe we were left to figure it out on our own and felt confused about where to turn to get answers. Time to start rewriting the narrative.
*x *xuality *x *x *xtherapy *xtherapist *xpositive *xpositivity *xpert *xeducation

🥀 Scarcity vs. Abundance 🌹
Rest is necessary! Often times I can get caught in a scarcity mindset...but abundance says “you are a priority.”
Scarcity says...
🥀 “There isn’t enough time for me to take a break.”
🥀 “I don’t have enough money to rest.”
🥀 “Everyone else {at work, at home} needs me.”
Abundance says...
🌹 “Slowing down is good for me and will help give me clarity.”
🌹 “I am worth my own time and resources, AND I don’t have to spend money to take a break.”
🌹”My health, energy, and well-being are a priority.”

Anticipatory grief is when we grieve something that is still a part of our lives. It could look like grieving a person that is ill but not gone, or grieving for a home knowing you will be moving soon. It is actually a very important part of the grief process!! Sometimes we can feel bad for grieving something we still have. It can feel pointless or like a waste of time. But it’s not! It is simply our emotional being tending to emotional needs. The trick is being mindful that there is still time. Allow the grief to have its space, then go back to living mindfully in the moment.

I love hummingbirds...clearly! Our logo is a hummingbird! So I wanted to share why. There is a lot these stunning little creatures have to share with us.⁠⁠
Hummingbirds represent:⁠
- Adaptability ⁠
- Playfulness/finding joy⁠
- Being present (mindfulness)⁠
- Resiliency⁠⁠
There have been lots of times I've had to learn how to be adaptable in life, and I know we have all been feeling that these past few years. But we are also discovering our resiliency. Just by putting one foot in front of the other, we are demonstrating how adaptable and resilient we can be. Hummingbirds also remind us to find the small joys and areas of playfulness in our lives, even in the midst of uncertainty and chaos.⁠⁠
I hope you are giving yourself credit for taking it one day at a time and trusting the resiliency inside you. You got this!⁠⁠

The growth you desire is in the work you're avoiding. When we avoid it is usually out of fear. Fear we will be judged or shamed. Fear we could become disconnected from our community. But real self-transformation comes from vulnerability.
This is one of the reasons why therapy works. Sometimes it is not emotionally safe to be vulnerable with people. The confidentiality of therapy provides a space that is safe to explore the feelings we fear will be the cause for judgment.
But even in therapy it is tough to reveal the deepest feelings. Take your time. Get to a place where you can trust your therapist, and when you are ready, be vulnerable. The therapeutic space is a great place to practice being vulnerable and learn who can be trusted with your emotions.

Perfectly Imperfect! My hope for you and my intention for myself this week is to accept that we are not perfect and that is ok. There is too much pressure to start each day out perfectly, especially if we weren't "good" or productive the day before. So I am here to say, it does not matter what the day before looked like! You don't have to...⁠
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- Get everything done on your to-do list⁠
- Work out every day ⁠
- Only eat salad⁠
- Say yes to everything ⁠
- Work through lunch ⁠
- Ignore your needs⁠
- Or anything else you may think you SHOULD do⁠
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You do get to...⁠
⁠
- Prioritize rest and self-care⁠
- Take a break⁠
- Be proud of yourself for what you do get done⁠
- Move your body however feels good⁠
- Eat for pleasure ⁠
- Validate your feelings⁠
- Throw out the "shoulds"⁠
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Most of the time our brains tend to be wired to go straight for worst case scenario and negative self-talk. But the reality is most of our experiences fall in the middle of the worst to best case scenario spectrum. So using the word “sometimes” can be a more realistic way to start changing our negative thought patterns. For example:

✨ I am an anxious person...sometimes.
✨ Sometimes I don’t like myself.
✨ My family is difficult...sometimes.
✨ Sometimes I am selfish.
✨ Things don’t go my way, sometimes.
✨ I hate work, sometimes.
✨ Sometimes I wish I were ________.
If you are having a hard time changing “I’m a horrible, selfish person” to “I am strong and lovely," "sometimes" can help. It is a wonderful, practical, believable stepping stone to more positive beliefs and self-talk.

“It’s strange how I’m taken and guided where I end up right where I’m needed to be.” -Zac Brown In Quiet Your Mind
Sometimes the mind can get so clouded with worries about where we are, where we are going, or where we should be. Take a minute, breathe, and consider that maybe you are ok right where you are and you will end up right where you need to be. Find the beauty in the now.

Sometimes therapy is hard work. Starting the process can be really intimidating and when we don't start feeling better after the first few sessions, it can feel like it's not working. This is the encouragement to hang in there! Sometimes it feels like it gets worse right at the beginning especially. This can be because we are not used to talking about and processing painful things that we have swept under the rug for years.⁠⁠
We are really practiced at pushing feelings aside, putting problems on the back-burner, and ignoring what feelings are trying to tell us. And that is ok! Maybe we needed to wait to be ready to start the process. And it takes time to learn to do something different. It doesn't mean the process isn't working. If you have started therapy, or are thinking about starting therapy, please know you may not always leave the therapy office feeling over the moon. Please also offer yourself so much compassion for taking the brave step of beginning!⁠⁠

Have you ever thought about how isolating it can be to have to appear like we have it all together? Here’s the thing, no inspirational speaker has ever gotten on stage and said “Yeah so I did everything perfectly the first time, never messed up or had messy feelings and now I’m here to tell you how to be perfect too.” Instead I challenge you to think of your messy feelings as a point of connection with others. When you allow yourself to be messy I am guessing that others will be relieved to know they are not the only one and you will find community. Perfection is the enemy to connection.

Sometimes we deal with intrusive thoughts. They pop up unannounced and uninvited, and they seek to destroy whatever peace we have cultivated for ourselves. They suck. But we don't have to suffer under their tyranny!⁠⁠
If some unwelcome thought is threatening to ruin your day, take a minute and go through these steps:⁠⁠
1. Ask yourself, does this thought need to be tended to RIGHT NOW?⁠

2. If not, when is a more appropriate time to tend to it?⁠

3. Imagine taking that thought, holding it in your hand, and placing it on a shelf.⁠

4. Imagine it sitting on that shelf and remind yourself it will be there later when you have scheduled to tend to it.⁠

5. Conjure a pleasing thought or memory OR focus your attention on what is happening around you right now.⁠⁠
Practice makes progress! I continually have to practice this when intrusive thoughts invade my mind space. ⁠
# selfcare

Having kids changes everything. And s*x is no exception. With all the joy that kids bring into a couple’s life, most couples also fear how a growing family will affect emotional and s*xual intimacy. This is normal! And the good news is that it is ok for your s*x life to change after kids. Check out our blog post, “S*x After Kids,” to find out how embracing that change can improve your relationship and give you more satisfaction with your s*x life. https://www.coatscounseling.com/blog/s*x-after-kids

Last week many of us were impacted mentally, emotionally, and physically by multiple decisions handed down by the Supreme Court. I was expecting to work through a lot of intense feelings with my clients and others in my life since then. But if I’m being authentic, I’m not entirely sure how I am going to process all the big feelings for myself! And that’s ok. If the emotions are still feeling overwhelming for you, just remember, it was a lot to process all at once and we as humans are not meant to get floods of information and expected to process it perfectly right away.

First of all, I want to validate all the intense feelings and invite you to validate your own feelings as well. Even if some of the decisions didn’t impact you in an “obvious” manner right away, people of all genders, races, religions, and statuses in fertility journeys were impacted in one way or another. (Note: “obvious” is for lack of a better term, and as I am still processing a lot of this myself, I ask for forgiveness and constructive feedback in my delivery if I misspeak!) It’s ok to feel whatever you feel and make space for the emotions. That is how we process! I heard a lot of people last week questioning themselves, wondering if their feelings were warranted. Feelings are information about what needs tending to in our emotional being. They are valid and ok.

Also, remember that it is ok and even necessary to make time for self-care right now. That can feel counterintuitive when feelings of helplessness are abundant. But in its own way, self-care is a form of activism (referencing Audre Lorde). It is ok to pause, check in with yourself, tend to the emotions, tend to yourself, and then evaluate how you may be most effective in action.

Talking it over with a therapist may be one way to implement helpful self-care. If you are concerned about confidentiality in light of these decisions, you can talk with your therapist about your fears and learn more about how they protect your therapy space. Speaking for myself, I’m happy to answer any questions around this and if I don’t know the answer, I will do my own work and process to find out.

Only 8% of women reliably or**sm by in*******se alone.

Yup - you read that right. 8%. As opposed to the 99% we see in movies, media, books, etc. ⁠
⁠
I get very upset seeing so much false and misleading information represented in the media we consume. It creates unrealistic expectations that have a negative impact on self-esteem and relationships. ⁠
⁠
There is NOTHING wrong with you if you cannot or**sm through in*******se alone. There is NOTHING wrong with you if you have never had an or**sm! Not only are many women not taught how to have or**sms and pleasure with s*x, but oftentimes they are taught the opposite. They are taught their bodies, pleasure, and attention are for their partner. They are taught that they should be perfectly or**smic every time and that perfection is more important than pleasure. ⁠
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Here are just some of the negative consequences this information creates for women and their partners:⁠
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🔹 Faking or**sms instead of learning how their body responds and feeling empowered to help a partner learn⁠

🔹 The pressure to be perfect instead of being mindful in the moment⁠

🔹 A partner's unrealistic expectations of her s*xuality and/or pressure on the partner to last as long as necessary for a penetrative or**sm⁠

🔹 Frustration, confusion, shame, guilt, anxiety⁠

🔹 S*x starts feeling like a chore ⁠
⁠
Who has time for all this?! Instead, what if we empowered women with accurate information and normalized all sorts of experiences in s*xuality. The pressure would lower and leave room for more pleasure. ⁠⁠
*xtherapy *xuality *xuality *xualhealth *xed *xpositive

Join me and my dear friend LaTasha on her amazing podcast, The Tasha Code! We dive into how to feel liberated and empowered in your s*x life and s*xuality by unpacking the fears, shame, and "shoulds" around s*x. We also talk about creative ways to connect to your sensuality on a deeper level. And finally, I answer some super important questions submitted anonymously by followers and clear up some of the confusion about s*x and s*xuality. Head over to https://liberatedvision.co/podcast to listen to the episode!

In our latest blog post, we take a look at anger and what it can tell us. If we think of anger as the tip of the iceberg, we can understand that below the surface, there is so much more going on. Anger is really good at alerting us when an emotional need is not being met and helps us figure out how to address those needs.

Click the link to read how getting curious about our anger can help reveal our true emotions and help us communicate with our partners, friends, and family more productively and impactfully. https://www.coatscounseling.com/blog/anger-a-complicated-emotion⁠

Sometimes growth hurts...but that doesn’t mean you are failing. If the process is painful, consider that maybe it is working! Consider that growing pains are normal and help us break out of the comfort zone.
I try to always remind my clients (and myself for that matter 🙋🏻‍♀️) that our mental and emotional health journey may feel like it gets worse before it gets better. And that is ok! Just because the feelings are uncomfortable, it does not mean you are taking 5 steps back.
Please, be gentle and patient with yourself. Ask for help, accept help. Use love and acceptance to inspire instead of fear and shame. You got this!

NEW BLOG POST!! Anger: A Complicated Emotion

Anger often has a bad reputation in the spectrum of emotions we experience as humans. First of all, it usually makes people very uncomfortable. Whether you are the one experiencing the anger or on the receiving end, it’s usually not a pleasant experience! But anger is actually an extremely useful emotion to us and is often very misunderstood.
In our latest blog post we talk about what makes anger an essential part of our emotional intelligence. Click the link to find out what our anger is trying to tell us, why you should be curious about your anger, and why "it's never about the socks!"

https://www.coatscounseling.com/blog/anger-a-complicated-emotion

Happy Tuesday! Just in case anyone hasn’t reminded you lately...you’re doing your best and your best is great! Keep breathing and doing your thing! 🙌🏻✨

Wow guys, this parenting stuff is no joke! Anyone else find themselves questioning every decision, feelings, and action sometimes?! This is a reminder to everyone, including myself, that it is ok to be imperfect, struggle, ask for help, and use boat loads of self-compassion to get through the tough moments. They will not last forever.

I love encouraging other parents when they are feeling lost and lonely. But there is no encouragement more powerful in this world than the encouragement you can offer yourself. So, if you are a parent that is struggling…I see you, this won’t last, you are doing enough by just showing up each day. AND I want to provide some helpful affirmations you can give yourself to keep in your back pocket when you need them the most. Take one and pass it on:

✨ I am doing the best I can with what I have available to me.

✨ My imperfections are beautiful and allowing my children to see them lets them know they don’t have to be perfect either.

✨ My emotions are valid and deserve my attention.

✨ Asking for help is a strength.

✨ Some days are really hard. It doesn’t make me a bad parent.

✨ I give myself permission to set healthy boundaries and demonstrate that for my children.

✨ My mental, emotional, and physical health matters as much as my child’s.

✨ I can adapt and be flexible when things don’t go as planned.

✨ What works for other parents may not work for me and that is ok.

✨ I can approach myself with self-compassion over judgement.

✨ It’s ok that I sometimes miss my independence.

✨ When I make a mistake it’s an opportunity to teach my children how to repair and apologize well. I don’t have to beat myself up.

✨ Being a parent is hard work and sometimes scary. I get to give myself grace.

✨ Pursuing my passions and having an identity outside of being a parent sets a good example for my child.

✨ I am enough. I do enough.

It can feel so counterintuitive to practice radical self-acceptance! Sometimes we feel like if we don’t constantly strive to be “better” (even if what we consider better is misguided), then we fear we will never hold up to the standards.
The problem is, growth rooted in criticism, comparison, and competition is minimal. It is trying to grow out of a scarcity mindset that says “I am not enough, I won’t be enough until I ______.”
True growth happens when we are not blocking ourselves with unrealistic comparisons to others or expectations rooted in goals that don’t line up with our values. Being able to accept the glorious, wonderful, perfectly imperfect mess we are is actually a giant step toward personal growth.

It can feel very uncomfortable and challenging to invite another person into your innermost thoughts and feelings. Us therapists do not take that invitation lightly. In fact, I am extremely grateful and touched when my clients allow me to witness their lives and be with them their pain and growth. I love being able to offer non-judgmental, genuine connection in the human experience. Feeling seen and heard is a huge part of what helps us heal. And I am forever grateful that I get to help people feel seen and heard in their experiences.

Reaching out to a therapist can be intimidating. There is a very real fear that you could have the same experiences you have had in your life outside of therapy; your feelings dismissed, being judged, having your experiences invalidated, suffering alone in your pain, facing discrimination, and any multitude of other experiences that can be so damaging. My hope is that sharing my feelings about what I do will help make that process a little less overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong…us therapists are human. We will make mistakes! And I strive to offer a compassionate space where my clients can feel seen and validated.

In our latest blog post, we talk about how much pressure you can feel when you're trying to get pregnant and the impact that can have on your s*x life with your partner(s). Click the link in our bio to find 8 ways to relieve that pressure and make room for joy, excitement, pleasure and intimacy. We've left a few tips below as well!

✨ Get off the schedule - if having s*x on a schedule is making you exhausted and resentful, give yourself room to have s*x when it comes naturally to you.

✨ Connect intimately in other ways - Remember to connect intimately through flirting, dating, romance, dancing, cuddling, making out, stimulating conversation, etc.

✨ Tune out the noise - Advice and comments will only get more intense during pregnancy and when a child arrives, so be very intentional about who you share information with.
Find more tips and resources at the link below! And if you ever feel like it is all too much, you are not alone! It is totally ok to be worried. Working with a good s*x therapist may be able to help you relieve the pressure and work toward enjoying the process.

https://www.coatscounseling.com/blog/fertility-journeys-and-s*x-8-ways-to-take-the-pressure-off⁠
*xandfertility *xtherapy *xualhealth