TGL Wellness - Tyler Loomis counseling services

One of the things we all have to be careful of is getting caught in our own subjective loop of our own thoughts and experiences.
- My marriage is painful and I see no way out; marriage must be painful.
- Parenting is complicated and impossible; I see no other way. I am stuck with complicated and impossible.
- I hate my job. Going to work can't possibly be enjoyable. I guess I will have to endure more of this for the next 25 years.
- My church has hurt me. Knowing God was confusing. God must not care and the church is not available.
There are a dozen more statements we could make and conclusions we could draw based solely on our own subjective experience.
This is why some relatively OBJECTIVE data is so important to bring into the mix with your subjective reality. It tells us that there might be more than one way to parent, to do marriage, to get through school or find a new job.
The question is: where are you receiving some outside data to compare and contract your subjective experience? It needs to come from somewhere . . . one thing for you to consider for today!

A friend of mine recently reflected in an email to me that life sometimes can be summed up as "I don't know what I should be doing and what I am doing is probably the wrong thing." I could resonate with that statement but also thought about how accurate that can be for marriage (or parenting for that matter).

The John Gottman material we use for our marriage intensive helps to remedy that feeling. Not only is it data-driven, but it is also interactive and practical and provides a couple with a road map so that they can get some ideas about what they should be doing and if what they are doing is the right thing. Come check it out beginning September 21st! Message me for more information.

You’re Not Hearing Me!!

Marriage communication involves BOTH people paying attention to their hearing aids AND mouthpieces. There are ways to be generous (or a pain in the neck) on both sides of this bridge . . .
Paying attention to your hearing aids means 2 things:

1) Are you listening . . . really listening instead of forming a response before your spouse has even finished speaking?
2) How are you listening? If something your spouse says doesn’t come out juuusssst right are you ready to get hurt and offended and jump all over it? Paying attention to your hearing aids means having thick skin because words coming your way are sometimes clumsy or they arrive in a prickly package.

Paying attention to your mouthpiece means calming oneself and having an awareness of these 3 things:

1) Tone. How you say something can change the meaning of the words in a flash
2) Timing. Is right now really the best time to be bringing this up to your spouse? 10 minutes before company is coming over? At 11pm when both of you are dog-tired? No.
3) Pace. We can talk faster but we can’t listen faster. Quick words and many words can flood your spouse. Slow. It. Down.

Join our marriage intensive this fall to find out more about the spectacular world of effective and emotionally healthy communication!!

10 Ways to Ruin Your Marriage

Yes, there are the obvious choices . . . have an affair, get wildly addicted to something, abuse, etc., but here are the more subtle ones that over time can be destructive as well:

1) Spend lots of time being distracted by screens and social media.
2) Instead of taking time to notice and acknowledge what your spouse does, criticize all the things he/she isn’t doing well.
3) Be defensive and close-minded. Don’t take any feedback or correction from your spouse.
4) Be sure not to take any responsibility for the problems in the relationship - blame your spouse as much as possible.
5) Use really demonstrative and hyperbolic generalizations. Always, never, every, and all the time are good ones to start with.
Anger.
6) Give yourself over to anger and express it whenever you feel like it
7) Stay away from marriage therapy, marriage books, marriage podcasts, marriage retreats or any other marriage resources available out there.
8) Let physical affection and sexual intimacy fall by the wayside.
9) Look to your spouse to meet your every need, calm every fear, heal every wound, address every insecurity, and solve every problem.
10) Don’t kindly and patiently share your needs and wants with your spouse, wait for him/her to incorrectly read your mind.

Another way is out there! The September 1st deadline for our marriage intensive is fast approaching. Come join us and learn how to stay away from this top 10 list.

Fight COVID by loving your spouse! Marriage expert, John Gottman, found in his research that the stress created in disconnected marriages puts wear and tear on the body and mind, which can present in any number of physical ailments. Conversely, couples in connected, high-functioning marriages have greater immune system function.

So get connected and get healthy! If you need a boost or a little direction, we have a spot left in our seminar. Come join the fun!

Marriage researcher, John Gottman, says "It's biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives." What are couples supposed to do with this reality? Jenny Heckman and I have one spot left for you to come find out! Message me if you're interested.

Marriage expert, John Gottman, makes the claim that he can predict marital success or failure with 91% accuracy after only 15 MINUTES of observing the communication patterns of a couple.

He writes, “Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs.”

Our upcoming seminar will help teach couples what this “dynamic” is as we look together at John Gottman’s process for getting there. The fun begins on Sept 16th and we are expecting the seminar to be full, so don’t delay if you’re interested.

2 Spots Left and About a Month to Go!!

Jenny Heckman and I are very excited about the opportunity to offer this unique marriage resource this fall . . . but why should you consider it?

If you have done marriage counseling or are currently in marriage counseling, this seminar can be a great supplement or even an accelerant to what you are working on in therapy.

Our guidebook, 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, is an excellent resource for facilitating an increased connection between couples, and it always helps to have an ongoing class with other couples to provide some accountability for sticking with it.

If your marriage isn’t necessarily struggling but is in need of “something more”, this seminar will provide plenty of fuel to go on.
This seminar is appropriate for you even if you are not married, but you're sure you are with "the one".

Last, but definitely not least, Jenny and I do a good bit of marriage counseling and collaboration together. It is rare to find two professionals, one male and one female, who are offering a seminar like this together, so don’t delay!

A question that I often ask couples is “What is the purpose of your marriage?” Granted, it is somewhat rhetorical because I already have an answer in mind. Before I answer what the purpose is . . . here is what the purpose isn’t:

Marriage does not exist for the purpose of having children. It does not exist for building homes, businesses, careers or churches. Marriage does not exist for creating a diverse investment portfolio, fulfilling hobbies or an extensive travel calendar. Marriage does not exist as a cure for loneliness. That is all byproduct.

What is the purpose? connection is the goal and transparency helps facilitate this connection more than anything else. Couples can wrongly believe that a conflict-free relationship is the goal or the evidence of connection. You can’t and don’t have to agree on everything. Everything you encounter in your relationship from the good, to the mundane, to the really painful will be opportunities for growth or division.

Are you experiencing more growth or division? Need help with transparency and connection? We have a couple spots left in our “Thriving Marriage” seminar this fall!

I’ve been giving effort, but I didn’t see any effort from him, so I gave up” lamented one wife who came in for an individual session. Her comment highlighted one of my therapy essentials for couples: “DO YOUR OWN WORK.” Pay attention to your side of the street first. Eat what is on your plate. You get the idea.

Yes, it can be discouraging and downright exhausting for one person to feel like they bearing the majority of the weight in the relationship, but if someone is working on personal and relational health in order to get their partner to do something, see something or act a certain way, it will feel exahusting because that is the wrong motive.

Whether some couples know it or not, they are in a standoff that basically sounds like “I will start behaving when you start behaving.” That is a problem because each person has taken their eyes off of their own work. Kindness, patience and generosity are not dependent upon another person being that way first - they exist in an of themselves irregardless of how well or how poorly one feels they are being treated by their spouse.

Jenny Heckman and I look forward to helping couples keep their eye on their own ball in our seminar this fall “Thriving Marriage is Possible.” We have a few spots still available - DM me if you have questions or are interested in getting signed up!

"You're a marriage therapist . . . what advice would you give this newly engaged couple?" was a question posed to me recently during a social gathering. This was not the first time this question had been thrown in my direction.

My answer . . . the first and most practical piece of advice I can give in a short amount of time: "lose the screen." Put the phone, the tablet, the computer or the TV screen away. The screen is a thief and a home-wrecker who steals your attention, your communication, and some of your most crucial hours you have together.
Believe me - you will be fine without your twitter, tiktok, reddit, facebook or instagram feeds. They will always be waiting.
So . . . you have both "lost your screens" . . . you're sitting there staring at each other . . . what is next? Sign up for our course to find out!
Thriving Marriages are Possible! Jenny Heckman and I will be offering this 6 week courses this fall - space is limited, but DM me to get signed up!

It’s human nature . . . we notice the problems! More specifically, we notice the problems in our intimate relationships and marriages at the expense of any “wins” that are happening in the relationship. Couples can often list with precision the areas of disappointment and failure be it their own or their spouse’s, but have difficulty highlighting what has been good.

The solution? Notice the good. It’s happening. No problem happens all the time. I encourage couples who are struggling to develop the habit of paying attention to what feels good and highlight it . . . underline it . . . put it in BOLD! It feels good to hear that you did something pleasing or something well for your significant other, so let him/her know!

Thriving Marriages are Possible! Jenny Heckman and I are offering a couple’s intensive this fall for couples that want to learn more about how to do this with and for each other. DM me to get signed up . . . space is limited, so don’t delay.

When I begin marriage or couples therapy, I ask couples to think about their relationship as their "first child". This is the first thing that they have created together, and hopefully, it is a child that never leaves the home. But in order for that to happen, it is a child that will always need to be paid attention to, cared for, fed and nurtured.

What can happen, however, is "life" crowds in. Kids happen. Stress happens. Jobs happen. Calendars happen. And then what happens is the "first child" starts getting the leftovers, the first child gets frail and the first child gets ornery.

Don't let your first child get ornery! Jenny Heckman and I are offering a 6-week marriage intensive this fall for 8 couples. We have a few spots left - DM me to reserve yours!

Working out the intricacies of connection in a relationship requires knowing one’s own motives and mindset going in. Here are 2 to watch out for and a 3rd option as a healthy place to land:

You are needy in the relationship. Neediness can be expressed in many different ways, but the underlying thought or feeling behind neediness is “I’M NOT OK.” Common thoughts or verbalizations can sound like this:

- I’m not OK by myself. I need you to fix my loneliness.
- I need you to take care of my emotions. Make me happy.
- I need to be able to help you.
- I need you to cure my addiction.
- If you don’t ____ then I won’t be OK.

These are all statements that come from a place of deep neediness that one’s partner simply cannot solve.

You are independent in the relationship. Whether people know it or not, they do exist in serious and committed relationships trying to live as independently from their partner as is possible while still trying to maintain some connection. Here are common thoughts or verbalizations that express this:

- I will not be changed. I will not be moved.
- I will not be transparent or show vulnerabilities.
- I should not have to ask for help. My partner should just know.
- I should have all the right answers at all the right times.
- I can say “I love you.” Saying “I miss you” or “I need you” is difficult.

The healthier third option is having needs. This is the place of healthy dependence where each person understands their strengths, their weaknesses and is experiencing teamwork with whatever it is that a couple has in front of them. This couple . . .

- Understands the difference between supporting and fixing
- Complements each other in their strengths and weaknesses instead of being offended or threatened by them
- Have both people asking for help and seeking to help
- Experiences connection in good times, mundane times, and rough times

“I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!” It’s easy to blurt that out without much thought, but oftentimes, this is NOT AN HONEST statement that people say to themselves or someone else. Try these 4 more honest statements on for size:

“I know what to do, but I don’t want to do it.” How does a person get to the “want to”? Usually, it is about movement - brain movement, hand movement, feet movement, body movement. Start small. Start here. Start now. Getting a little bit of traction does a lot to get the “want to” part of us activated - so essential!

“I know what to do, but I don’t know how to do it.” From fixing a flat to bringing that big presentation to the board of directors or earning that master's degree - there are tasks we know we need to do, but may not be sure how to do them. How can you educate yourself? Who or what can guide you until you know what to do? Where can you ask for help?

“I know what to do, but I am afraid to do it.” Say it. Admit you are afraid. Fear is part of the human condition, but a very bad rudder for life. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of what others might think. Fear of losing a relationship. What can you do to gain courage for that thing you are facing? Who or what can you resource yourself with that will instill courage?

“I know what to do, but I don’t have the strength for it.” Simply put - you need to recharge your batteries. The lumberjack needs to stop and sharpen his ax. Strength often comes in the form of doing the small things (eating, sleeping, exercise, silence) that we tend to ignore over time leaving us feeling depleted and unable to face the challenge ahead.

Catch yourself saying "I don't know what to do" and find for yourself a better statement you most resonate with and what you can do to address it.

3 Marriage Postures
In order for a marriage to be healthy and balanced, there are 3 “postures” (2 good & 1 bad) that couples share with each other that need to be paid attention to:

The first posture is shoulder to shoulder and the FOCUS is on something outside of the couple that they are paying attention to together. This includes shared activities and responsibilities that couples can and should do together. Think about all of the possibilities - household responsibilities (laundry, bills, dishes, snow shoveling, etc.), parenting responsibilities (school activities, vacation planning, discipline, family game night, etc.), or plain old fun (hiking, hobbies, time with friends, etc.).

The second posture is face to face and the FOCUS is on the couple and the dynamics that exist directly between them. This includes date nights, sexual intimacy, and quality communication about how the marriage and each person in the relationship are really doing. In the face-to-face posture, the couple understands that they need time to shut out the world and make sure they just focus on one another.

The third posture is back to back and the FOCUS is away from each other. This is a negative posture to hold and couples should be aware of this one sneaking its way in. This posture communicates disinterest or a lack of attention. Children, work, family issues, or unresolved conflict are some of the culprits that move a couple into a back-to-back posture that slowly draws the life out of the marriage.

What posture is most noticeable in your marriage right now? Where are you weak? Where are you strong? What needs to be done to move you out of a back-to-back posture that might be present?

People often ask me what types of issues I enjoy dealing with the most. That is difficult to answer because a symptom can manifest itself in many different ways from client to client. What I do know, however, is that one of my favorite counseling practices is “conjoint couples therapy”, which involves 2 therapists working with the couple. The benefit to this type of couples counseling is that each person has their own “go-to” therapist and individual sessions are occasionally interspersed in between the couples sessions.

The benefits to this type of couple’s counseling are numerous. Selfishly, as the therapist, I don’t have to work extra hard to maintain neutrality and worry about aligning too strongly with one person. The couple gets the benefit of two therapists offering insights and encouragement and collaborating together to work out what will be best for the couple. The individual sessions allow a person to debrief the couple’s sessions and not have to worry about being careful with their words or editing thoughts to avoid creating tension.

The downside? Cost - each person is billed separately for his/her therapist. Conjoint couples counseling will roughly be in the 250 range for most of the couples we work with. Another downside is logistics. It is more difficult to coordinate the schedules of 4 people. Neither of these downsides is insurmountable, however. One question to consider (if it applies to you) . . . how much money was spent on your wedding day? 5, 10, 25 thousand or more? Once you have that number, compare it to how much has been spent directly on your marriage since then. If you were to add up how much you have spent directly on marriage resources (books, counseling, retreats, etc.), would that number come even close? I suspect for many it doesn’t.

I do most of my conjoint couples therapy with Jenny Heckman, LPC. We have experienced a good deal of success with the couples we have worked with. We work hard at being on the same page with each couple we have whether a couple is pre-marital, in need of a tune-up, or barely keeping their relationship afloat. If you or your partner has considered couples counseling, I encourage you to give conjoint therapy a try!

2021? It’s just a number
So last week we celebrated (probably much differently than a year ago for most) a Thursday night, December 31, 2020 becoming Friday, January 1, 2021. I have heard many people on television, on social media, and in-person express something to the effect of “glad 2020 is behind us!” But is it? We essentially celebrated a Thursday becoming a Friday and a 20 becoming a 21. Not to throw a wet blanket on people’s hopes for this year, but 21 is just a number. It doesn’t take long to look around and feel like everything still feels quite familiar to how it was a week, or three weeks or 6 months ago . . . masks? Check. Cancellations? Check. Empty stadiums? Check. Virtual church, virtual school, virtual jobs? Check. Political divides? Check. And the list of potential discouragements goes on . . .

The best way not to let 21 just be a number depends on you much more than your circumstances. Here’s a good past, present, future question to be considering: “What can you be doing TODAY that at some point in the FUTURE (hopefully under better circumstances) you can look back at the PAST and feel good about yourself for doing it? Feel proud of yourself for doing it? Feel relieved that you have done it?

One Harvard study on happiness showed that 40% is related to genetics and personality, 50% is related to personal decisions and habits, and ONLY 10% is related to circumstances. What do you want the 50% to look like in your life this year?

Emotionally Strong?
If you haven’t seen the movie “Courage Under Fire” starring Denzel Washington and Meg Ryan, I highly recommend it. Denzel plays the part of a US Army officer sent to investigate a female chopper commander’s worthiness for the Medal of Honor. She died in the line of duty, so he had to make a determination based off of the first-hand accounts of her fellow soldiers. Some of her fellow officers, fearing she might not receive the medal, portrayed her as almost Rambo-like in her command - impervious to all fear and confident in every decision on the battlefield.

Others, however, portrayed her as fragile, fearful and incompetent on the battlefield. Denzel Washington’s character was tasked with finding out the truth . . . was she as emotionally impervious as some described or emotionally fragile as others portrayed her to be? Was her leadership worthy of the medal or not?

I will let you learn the answer to that question for yourself, but the movie asks a great question about the definition of emotional strength. Here are a couple of definitions of what it is not:

Emotionally impervious: Sometimes being emotionally impervious serves a person well. We need doctors who are not disturbed by the sight of blood, lawyers that don’t avoid conflict, and teachers who don’t fear public speaking. Being emotionally impervious allows these people to do their job and serve others well, but trying to be emotionally impervious to all things throughout life is an impossible and unhealthy arrangement.

Emotionally weak: Simply put, an emotionally weak person does not know what they are feeling, they don’t know why they are feeling and they don’t know what to do with what they are feeling. This person doesn’t pay attention to his internal radar or spends an inordinate amount of time trying to push it down and make it go away. This person tends to feel anger, occasional amusement or nothing much of the time.

Here’s what it is: Strength comes in the form of honesty and transparency. The emotionally strong person is aware of what they are feeling, why they are feeling and work toward the place of healthy expression. This person can name sadness, rejection, or fear as well as being able to name joy, peace or gratitude. He or she understands that whatever the feeling is, it won’t last. It’s not the final say.

Have a look . . . here's what my office looks like on most days

Should You Take Medication??

My small version of 2020 happened about two years ago. 2018 was a difficult one for me. I had recently stepped down from the helm of a faltering church. Right after that my first attempt at full-time therapy just wasn’t happening. My second attempt had me feeling way in over my head. I had lost a church, friends and jobs and had sunk to a low that I had not experienced before.

Getting out of bed was difficult and left me with a sense of dread. I was tearful and regretful. I lacked a sense of competence and confidence. Socializing was not desirable and going to work felt nearly impossible. I had a thought one day . . . I might be depressed! I had felt down in the dumps before, but this was something entirely different and it felt awful. It helped grow my compassion for people that deal with this on a regular basis.

Something needed to be done. In January of 2019, I made an appointment with a therapist and got that going asap. My therapist almost immediately recommended that I consider looking into medication. I pursued this option through my primary care physician because of availability and insurance (psychiatrists often have pretty busy schedules).

After asking me a few questions and discussing side-effects, my primary-care physician recommended Buproprian (AKA Wellbutrin). It is in the family of depression meds known as NDRI’s (norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitor) which work differently than SSRI’s (Prozak or Sertraline, for example).
I filled the prescription and started taking it that day and stayed on it for about a year. I understand that this is not everyone’s experience, but it was exactly what I needed and I experienced no side effects. The medication helped lift the mental and emotional “fog” that was making everything feel so much harder than it was, but it was no magic happy pill. I still had to put in the effort to help the medication do its work which involved regular therapy, sleep hygiene, eating healthy, exercise, and no alcohol.

So what should you do if you’re considering medication?

- Be open-minded - it’s not an extreme measure to take
- It does not have to be a long term arrangement
- Start with your primary care physician if it’s too difficult to get in to see a psychiatrist
- If you’re considering it but not quite sure about it - get the process started - there is no rule that says you have to fill the prescription or even use it
- Some experimentation may be necessary - not all medications have the same results
- Self-care practices should start now - don’t wait for the medication to be available first. You will need to do this anyway in order for the medication to have its full effect.

Am I a Christian Counselor?
I was asked by someone last week if I do Christian counseling and I wasn’t quite sure how to answer her. This was not because I am not aware of my own beliefs, but because I don’t always know what someone else has in mind when they use the term “Christian counseling.” It can be a loaded question because some people would NEVER see a Christian counselor and others would ONLY see a Christian counselor. So what does this title mean for me and my practice?
1) Because I identify as Christian, this is not a worldview that I can put on and take off. It is just something that is and I think it helps me to be better at what I do.
2) I understand words like church, Jesus, pastor, Bible, God or evangelical can be very loaded and very difficult for some people because of experiences they have gone through. I have the privilege of walking people through their spiritual baggage and can treat it like any other type of baggage someone has in their life.
3) I will not engage in theological debate. I will not spend time trying to convince my atheist client that God exists. I will not shove Bible verses down people’s throats or tell them to get to church. These things are usually a waste of time and do not help the therapeutic process.
4) I pray for my clients each morning when I arrive at my office. When appropriate, I pray with my clients. I have served communion to my clients and opened up the scriptures and read to them. These types of practices are client-directed and I would never put pressure on a client to participate in these things.
5) Finally, whatever difficulties and hardships life is throwing at a person, I want people to experience grace - God’s grace. One of my favorite U2 lyrics is “grace lives outside of karma.” We all understand the concept of karma . . . grace is more difficult for us to wrap our minds around.

I joined the club in 2001 when our second child was still-born. I re-upped my membership in 2010 as I stood beside the bed of my father-in-law in his final moments in the Waukesha ICU, and again in 2015 in the St. Mary’s hospice unit when my mother-in-law lost her battle with cancer. There have been a couple other visits to this club since then.
You are probably familiar with the “stages of grief” that a person goes through when they experience significant pain or loss, but I like to think about it more as a club. This club is different than most others because you have no say about whether you want to join or not. You know when you are with other members of this club, and you know when you’re not because it’s different when you are with someone who’s “been there.”
This club isn’t just people who have experienced a significant death, you are in the club if you have gone through a divorce, received a serious diagnosis, or been through trauma of some sort . . . the common theme is unwanted or unplanned pain, loss and suffering.
As a pastor, and now as a therapist, I have had the privilege of helping people navigate their way through the clubhouse. There is a room for people who don’t know they are in the club, or they prefer to think they haven’t joined yet. They have not yet come to the reality that their regular ways of navigating life’s complexities just aren’t working for this level of loss.
There is a room for people in crippling pain, and another room for people who have just begun to entertain the thoughts of a “new normal.” There is also a room for people who have healed - they have reached the point of acceptance. They don’t spend as much time in the clubhouse these days, but make occasional visits and may even help out others who have just joined.
There are certain identifiable marks of someone who has moved through the ranks of this club - they are marked by compassion, patience, and humility. They are not judgmental about other people’s membership and have no need to hurry them along in the process. The club has now become more of a blessing than a curse.