Satire V

ICYMI

https://satirev.org/harvard/why-i%E2%80%99m-buying-satirev-ii-sequel-not-satire
Why I’m Buying SatireV II: the Sequel [NOT SATIRE] by Elon Musk, verified comedian

Why I'm Declaring Lin-Manuel Miranda Studies
https://satirev.org/harvard/why-im-declaring-lin-manuel-miranda-studies

Harvard’s hottest and most exclusive final club, the Lizard Club, will soon welcome its newest punch class, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for the annual Taming of the Lizards punch initiation formal!
https://satirev.org/harvard/official-guide-lizard-club%E2%80%99s-annual-taming-lizards

https://satirev.org/region/8-fun-facts-head-charles-regatta-weekend #.Y1XxMezMLDI
"In honor of the most in-crew-dible weekend of the year, here are 8 fun facts about HOCR and rowing in general!"

Word to the wise

The answer just might surprise you!

Rat King Birthday Soirée Will Be Held Tomorrow in Emerson 105 at 7 pm (link in bio)

https://satirev.org/world/breaking-egyptian-museum-steals-queen-elizabeth%E2%80%99s-coffin-westminster-abbey
BREAKING: Egyptian Museum Steals Queen Elizabeth’s Coffin From Westminster Abbey

https://satirev.org/everything-else/god-fumbles-fails-save-queen
God Fumbles, Fails to Save Queen

Earz Wot Reillaigh Hahpend Wiv vuh Queen. ISS THA TRUEF!*

*Out of respect for British readers, this article was written in English Received Pronunciation. (Also known as a British dialect or the Queen’s English)

https://satirev.org/world/earz-wot-reillaigh-hahpend-wiv-vuh-queen-iss-tha-truef

Queen’s Gambit Accepted

ICYMI

Come checkout Satire V at an information meeting next week!!

https://satirev.org/world/breaking-russian-leader-dies-natural-causes-first-time-over-five-hundred-years
BREAKING: Russian Leader Dies of Natural Causes for First Time in Over Five Hundred Years

In light of the release of Season 3 of the Disney+ hit television series, High School Musical the Musical The Series, pre-teens around the globe are being forced to relive a traumatic moment in their lives, the break up of costars Olivia Rodrigo and Joshua Bassett.

https://satirev.org/us/reliving-our-parents%E2%80%99-divorce-team-joshua-team-olivia-or-team-get-mommy-and-daddy-back-together -context=us/reliving-our-parents%25E2%2580%2599-divorce-team-joshua-team-olivia-or-team-get-mommy-and-daddy-back-together

Reliving Our Parents’ Divorce - Team Joshua, Team Olivia, or Team Get Mommy and Daddy Back Together? In light of the release of Season 3 of the Disney+ hit television series, High School Musical the Musical The Series (Not to be confused with High School Musical (2006) or High School Musical The Musi

With news of Lawrence Baccow stepping down from his highly coveted position as President of Harvard University, the search begins to locate the whereabouts of the next Harvard President, world renowned magician and escape artist David Blaine, who disappeared from the Harvard Corporation without a trace.

https://satirev.org/harvard/search-committee-formed-track-down-harvard%E2%80%99s-next-president-david-blaine #.YtTBb-zMIq2

You're waiting for that special person, and they just don't show up. We've all been there. We hear you, and we're here to help.

7 Ways To Fake Working So It Doesn’t Look Like You’re Unintentionally Sitting Alone In Kirkland Dhall 1. Get a table near an outlet to keep your computer charged.2. Look frustrated while staring intently at the screen, typing at a minimum of 100 wpm as you devour a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys.3. Spread

“Instead of sending girls home to keep boys in school, we’re going to permit girls to stay in school to keep boys in school."

Sexualizing Women and Removing Dress Codes: the Secret to Keeping Our Boys in School At a press conference yesterday, the District of Columbia Public School system announced a plan to remove controversial, misogynistic school dress codes in an attempt to improve the district’s dismal graduation rates. The intended impact of the decision? To make school more enjoyable for boys.

“In collaboration with the Office of Undergraduate Arts (OUA), the residential housing system has decided to move forward with an approach to infrastructure that revels in the absurdity of the Harvard experience. Together, we hope to defy class norms of what is ‘aesthetically pleasing,’ what is ‘good taste,’ and what is ‘safe for the undergraduate student body.’ Our new approach will be ‘camp.’”

“It's Just Camp”: Harvard Dean Announces Plan To Address Dilapidated House Infrastructure Since the eagerly anticipated return of full residential life to campus this fall, many Harvard students have reported that the state of their dorm rooms violate multiple local Cambridge safety codes concerning black mold and bad taste.

“The Republic is not what it once was. There is no interest in the common good. There is no civility, only politics.”

QUIZ: Is This a Line from One of This Semester’s UC Emails or a Quote from Star Wars’ Chancellor Palpatine? “We are an Empire ruled by the majority! An Empire ruled by a new Constitution! An Empire of laws, not of politicians! An Empire devoted to the preservation of a just society.”

"We could have watched movies, braided each other's hair, explored the sewers. But instead, you literally rummaged up 12 random people and spammed them with some long-ass email from your AOL Kids account."

Be Honest. Is Everyone Avoiding Me? By: That Dead Girl In The Sewer From That Chain Email You Got In 4th Grade

“As a coach, you’re teaching these boys about life. Resilience. Character. Shielding yourself from heartbreak by never opening up to another woman so long as you live. The fundamentals, really.”

“Fellas, Marriage is a Trap”: Little League Coach Offers Memorable Pregame Speech "You’re gonna look back and realize these are the best days of your life. Trust me – it all goes downhill from here.”

"'That sucks :(,' responded Matthews, 73 hours later, via Slack."

Area TF Asks What Kind of Platitudes Work Best for Student with Covid After Richard Wozniak ’24 tested positive for Covid-19, he rushed to email the only person who could make him feel better: his CS50 Teaching Fellow, Jenna Matthews ‘22.

See you Friday 2/25 @ 5 pm in Emerson 108 ;)

“Yeah, even when we’re having lunch or doing work or something, Adam’s eyes will sometimes kinda glaze over, and I’m like, oh yeah, he’s probably planning out having a hyperlink to his private high school in D.C. and some footnotes to his Crimson sports stories.”

Area Harvard Student Constantly Mentally Editing the “Early Life” Section of His Future Wikipedia Page Area Harvard student Adam Shapiro ’24, a “social junior, academic sophomore,” Gov concentrator, and deeply uncommitted member of Leverett House, is reported to always be mentally editing the “Early Life” section of what he anticipates will be his future Wikipedia page.

Do you know how humiliating it is? Being tossed to the curb like yesterday’s trash? I mean, we all remember the divorce, so maybe you do know, but god, I thought you liked me. Do you know the s**t I put up with for your dead god/man’s birthday bash? No? Well allow me to enlighten you.

Merry Christmas, Bitch Oh hi there Erica...Remember me? I was your “taller-than-6ft-but-shorter-than-8ft-it-has-to-fit-inside-the-living-room-goddammit-Todd '' perfect Douglas fir. You and the kids drove an ungodly distance

“I just kept my head down, focused on my goal of being the youngest 21st century person to become a 16th century pirate, and I guess my hard work and terrible diet paid off. It definitely gets easier once you can no longer chew solid foods.”

Scurvy Under Thirty: This College Student Is On Track to Become the World’s Youngest 16th Century Pirate Thought you were at college? Think again. Allow that impostor syndrome to simmer when you hear what your industrious fellow-collegian has been up to.

In**st Fest, a beloved, ancient tradition here at Harvard College, will be brought back in all its former glory...

Isolation Protocol Changes: Dear Harvard College Students, As we eagerly anticipate your return to campus this spring, we would like to share a few updates regarding the upcoming semester. I hope that safely sitting in your

“It’s about time I was asked to sit at the cheerleader table!” shouted Manchin, muffled by the wall of gift baskets which have sealed him in his office for the last two days.

BREAKING: Senator Joe Manchin Makes First Ever Friends WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With a razor-thin Democratic majority in the United States Senate, West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin is ready for his close-up. After years of being disliked by his colleagues on b