Susan Fletcher, Ph.D.

Thought for the day as I finish a morning meeting trying to explain this concept that is so difficult for some parents to hear.

There is a series on Netflix called "Baby Reindeer". If you haven't seen it, get ready to learn about obsession. Here is a therapist's take on the dynamics. Spot on I should add.

Dissecting the Dynamics of “Baby Reindeer” With Therapist Lori Gottlieb Gottlieb explains what could have propelled Martha and Donny’s behaviors, and what the ending revealed.

Thanks to my friend Maggie for posting this. Such good information about being a parent and recognizing what your child really needs.

“I did something this morning that most of you will probably think is bad parenting.
Because my mom stayed the night at the house, I had the opportunity to take my 8-year-old to school without her siblings. I whispered to her, ‘If we get ready quick and with a good attitude, we’ll stop at the donut shop.’
But as she got dressed, her shirt didn’t fit right. Her pants annoyed her. The house was too cold. Her hair hurt when it was combed.
She started to get angry. Even when I reminded her she was risking losing her donut she kept getting angrier and angrier. Then it just unraveled and, ‘THIS WAS THE WORST MORNING OF HER LIIIIIIFE!’
I had to pause. I didn’t understand. I tried to reason. Then I said, ‘NO DONUT!’
In the next 10 minutes, as I silently got my coffee and found my own clothes, I saw myself in my daughter’s actions.
I too have sensory overload. Static? My arch nemesis. Tight-fitting clothes? Shoot me. Bloated and my waistband is digging into my stomach? WORST DAY EVER!
I’m almost 37 years into this game and I’ve learned ways to cope (usually).
I also know I too have had anger run away from me. As an adult I’ve said in my head, ‘Stop acting this way, Mary,’ while unable to get in front of the anger that snowballed ahead of me.
So when we got in the car (after she slammed the door and snarled) I said the following…
‘The way you’ve treated me this morning is mean, unfair, and not okay, but I’ve been there too. When I was growing up, if we spoke like that to our parents it was met with more anger, punishment, loss, and sometimes hostility. I think I just needed someone to be nice to me.
So, even though you’ve been mean to me, I’m going to be nice to you. I’m going to take you for that donut. I love you very much, even when you have big emotions.’
She burst into tears. I felt the anger move over and make way for the sadness. Then she said, ‘I’m so sorry I was mean to you,’ and we got our donut.
As she walked into school with a smile on her face, I thought, ‘This seems right.’
I want to do more of this. I want to be nice to my kids even on hard days. Maybe, just maybe, kindness will beget kindness.”
Credit: My Sunshine Birth Services - Mary Duke

You work 8 hours to live 4.
You work 6 days to enjoy 1.
You work 8 hours to eat in 15 minutes.
You work 8 hours to sleep 5.
You work all year just to take a week or two vacation.
You work all your life to retire in old age,
And contemplate only your last breaths.
Eventually you realize that life is nothing but a parody of yourself practicing for your own oblivion.
We have become so accustomed to material and social slavery that we no longer see the chains.
Life is a short journey, live it! Collect memories, not material things!

Is your divorce final?
Was your divorce a complete disaster?
Are you walking in such hostility that the idea of
co-parenting is just unfathomable?
Stop.
Take a breath.
Remember this…
It’s never too late to change the way you co-parent.
Even if the other side does not cooperate….
You never lose by trying your best and doing the right thing for the sake of your child.
Overtime, things can drastically change for the better.
This will not only help to bring you peace knowing you did the right thing, but more IMPORTANTLY it will help to bring your child calm in the the midst of the chaos.


❤️CHANGING THE MESSAGE OF DIVORCE ❤️
https://happinessintheheartache.com/

Borderline Personality Disorder is often misunderstood in adults and seriously misunderstood when there are traits in adolescents. McLean Hospital produces valuable research and peer-reviewed literature. Here is more about traits of Borderline Personality Disorder in teens.

A Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder & Teens | McLean Hospital What's a typical teen behavior and what's a sign of a mental health condition, like emerging BPD? Learn the signs and symptoms to see if you or a loved one needs help.

My recent appearance on CBS in responses to mass shootings and what to do about our fear.

What research says about mass shootings and mental health A 2019 American Psychological Association survey found that a third of American adults say fear of a mass shooting prevents them from going to some public places or events.

Sunday thoughts from me

For those of you who experience panic and anxiety, here is information about one man's relatable story. After a panic attack on air, he learned something about what he was doing that actually promoted the panic and what he could do to manage it putting him back in control of his anxiety.

Panic Attack on Live Television | ABC World News Tonight | ABC News ABC anchor Dan Harris' on air panic attack and his lesson for you. Good Morning America's Dan Harris sits down with Dianne Sawyer to discuss not only his per...

Stay the course.❤️

I had to read this story in two places before I believed it. tWitch was an absolute joy to the world in the truest sense. A joy to me. Lovely, warm, so loving to Allison, so clearly delighted in his kids.

He was suffering and we didn’t even know. Pain has never been easier to hide. I feel broken hearted at how he must have felt inside, what he was actually battling, how sad and lonely and overwhelmed he really was while all of us fawned over his beautiful family and told him how great and lucky he was. How isolating a world. I am so, so sad he was trapped inside a gorgeous package we found shiny and twinkly and dazzling. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am. How loved he was just on a random Wednesday for no other reason than being who he was.

Beloveds, if you are even remotely contemplating leaving us too soon, please don’t. You are wanted and loved, precious and important. You are not a burden. You aren’t alone. We don’t need you to dazzle. We just need you here. Tell us. Say one little word and we will grab you by the hands and walk with you every step. There is hope and joy still for you. You are an irreplaceable gift to this world. If you can’t believe that, believe us until you get there. We will get there with you.

I feel like grabbing all my beloveds and kissing their dear faces and telling them nothing else matters. Nothing we accomplish or fail at. Nothing we do right or wrong. Nothing we have or get or earn or win. This little life, the one together, this is it. This is the whole story. Our little teeny speck of history is right here with each other, in love, thick as thieves, connected and true, for and with and by each other. This is all that matters.

Stay. Stay with your little crew. They love and need and want you. You are everything to them.

If I could sweep Allison and their kids into my arms and hold them forever, I would. We are so sad with you. We will remember every good thing about him.

Need some help? Call or text 988. ❤️

Relevant information, especially as families gather over the holidays.

Communicating Social Norms to Children | Blog | Child & Family Subtle linguistic shifts can communicate social norms to children. Learn how social norms can be communicated & learned.

💓

This makes a ton of sense.

"I'm glad I understand that while language is a gift, listening is a responsibility." -Nikki Giovanni

📷: Moorland

WORD FOR THE DAY - https://bit.ly/wordfortheday

“I needed to hear everything you just wrote. The guilt is so heavy.”

One of my dear friends, who is navigating one of the toughest challenges life can deliver, said those words to me recently.

Guilt wanted her to think about everything her child was missing because of the major health challenges my friend is going through.

As fast as a pointer-finger texter can type, I fired this back:

“Let that sh*! go. Guilt has no part of this story - this is YOUR strong family narrative. Research proves time and time again that when kids watch their parents persevere through traumatic events, they develop the ability to trust themselves and be resilient in times of strife. I wrote a whole chapter on it in my fourth book, so believe me, I know what I am talking about!!!”

That message made her laugh… and exhale. She said she was going to revisit that chapter ASAP.

I’d paraphrased one of my favorite sections in Chapter 4 of when I texted her this:

“Right now, your child is being given the gift of independence - kids cannot take that gift for themselves; it must be given to them. Although this isn’t the way you wanted her to tap into her capableness and discover her inherent strength, that is what she’s getting to do. And this is preparing her to overcome future obstacles with confidence.”

I am so grateful my friend reached out when Guilt was getting the best of her. By confiding our painful emotions in someone we trust, we are able to replace GUILT with GIFT and watch it become a life changer.

By Rachel Macy Stafford

Image description:

A photo from the book is underlined in orange pen & has blue rain drops around it. It reads:

“Now more than ever, we must accept the fact that independence is not something we can expect our children to know how to take for themselves; we must grant it. Providing an umbrella for teens to hide under might feel like the right move, but we have to know when to provide shelter and when to let them experience a little rain in hopes that it will better prepare them for larger storms.” -Rachel Macy Stafford

The truth is — genuine connection is ease. It is peace. When you find it, you will know. You will feel seen, you will feel like you are being mirrored back to yourself, like you are discovering the shadow of your own heart in another human being.

Slowly, through loving the right people, you will come to realize that the human beings who are meant for you in this world will not exhaust you, or hollow you out, or leave you feeling like you are hard to love.

Slowly, you will learn how to lay down your arms. How to walk away from those who will only ever love you in halves. Slowly, you will learn that you cannot love someone into loving you, or being ready, if they are not. You cannot love someone into their potential. You cannot close their hands around your heart if they are not willing to hold it themselves.

You have to let them go.

You have to focus on the people in your life who bring you back home to yourself. You have to focus on standing up for that kind of connection, on honoring that calm, because it exists. It exists.

And I hope you learn to trust that, because when you come across it, when you ultimately experience it, it feels as if you are standing at a door you finally have the keys for. You enter it with ease. There is no fumbling through your jacket pocket trying to find the right way in.

There is no desperately reaching into your bag trying to uncover the point of access. You are no longer banging your fists against the door, asking to be invited in.

You walk through. Soundlessly. Softly. Relief washes over you. You take off your shoes. You hang your coat in the closet. You put on a pot of coffee.

You’re home.

You’re home.

~Bianca Sparacino

art | Claudia Tremblay
Midwives of the Soul

Absolutely positively true.

A mom will text her twenty-year-old child, letting him know it's going to rain and not to forget an umbrella.

She calls to see how the first day of school separation went for her grandkids and if her daughter made it to the car before tears streamed down her face.

She watches her daughter's baby, so she can shower and take care of her postpartum body.

She texts her forty-year-old son, making sure he’s home safe from a wedding because knowing that is still the only way she can sleep well.

She buys her thirty-four-year-old daughter Wetzel’s Pretzels when she goes to the mall because she knows how much her daughter loves them.

And no, she no longer needs to do these things,
but she does them anyway.

Because a mother always wants to make life easier for her kids when she can
even when they’re capable, responsible humans and can do all the things for themselves.

And she always wants to know they’re safe.

Because mothering doesn’t stop when her kids turn eighteen, move far away, or have their own kids.

It just changes.

Shared with permission from Living FULL

📸: Joolsannie Art

❤ If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now! https://amzn.to/3TeiZWB