Mishel

8 years. I have missed you for so much longer than I got to be with you.

It’s not easier. It doesn’t get easier.

I have to find new ways to mother you bc I can’t mother you in the same way I mother your siblings.

One of the many terrible things about grief is the multileveled grief… it’s remember you as you were, missing the you, you would have become, cursing the countless missed opportunities, wondering who I would have been with you here, imagining you and your siblings together, yearning to hold you, kiss you, smell you just one more time.

Then there’s the constant replaying of events in the mind … replaying the day before, to the hours before, to the minutes before… to the after.

Life is split into two timelines - the before and the after. Before the crash and after. Before you were taken and after. Before life shattered and after.

Before and after.

Was there anything I could have done to change the outcome? Was there anything I could have done to save you?

Before and after.

The movie of our life - replays on repeat because I can’t help but think maybe there was some other way this could have gone…

But the only way this could have gone differently is if the woman that killed you hadn’t gotten behind the wheel after drinking.

Before she got behind the wheel… and after.

Don’t drink and drive.

My Milo - welcome to the world. I’m so in love. I’m so grateful to the medical team at the hospital. I’m so grateful to my incredible doctor for delivering all my babies. This one was especially dramatic bc she broke her foot and had to have emergency surgery 2.5 weeks ago. They told her she would not be able to operate for 6 weeks minimum. But she did it. She made it. For Milo, for Liam, for our entire family. This was so special. We’re bonded for life. I would not trust anyone else to take care of me and baby during this intimate process.

This was my 4th c-section, so risks were higher but everything went beautifully. I’m so grateful. Words cannot describe it.

As for Mr. Milo, I love you so much… obsessed with you. To infinity and beyond. Thank you for choosing us to be your parents.

To my kiddos, I’m so excited for all the adventures with our bigger family. You guys are already such amazing siblings I can’t wait to see you grow into your new roles.

Luna is excited to teach Milo to say “lasagna” and Nico is excited to teach him to sit and walk. They have big plans.

Thank you to the best father anyone could ask for . Thank you for your love, tenderness and support. Thank you for being exactly what this family needs.

Thank you to my body for taking us to the finish line🤯❤️ we did it! I’m grateful for this body for being able to carry, hold, and bring forth these babies. I will take care of you just as you took care of these babies. I will nourish you and give you what you need to continue to be strong. There have been so many changes but you did it body!

And last but not least thank you to everyone involved. Every person that has supported us through this. Every team member at . I see you and I appreciate you. Thank you our friends and family who are helping us watch the kiddos, do a meal train, plan and execute the baby shower, doing last minute maternity shoots, checking in on us, helping out, and just generally being there for us and being people we can count on! Thank you! I love you all.

If sleeping were an Olympic sport…

7 revolutions around the sun with you. Thank you from bringing light back into our world. You are kind, thoughtful, caring, silly, curious, a hard worker, and just an all around great soul.

You ask the best questions. You are a snuggle bug. You dance with all your heart. You are a fantastic brother and friend. You are generous. You have a wonderful heart and brain. Thank you for picking me to be your mamma. You are exactly what this family needs.

I can’t wait for all our adventures. Happy 7th birthday to my Nooksie-roo

Took the kids to a park I took Liam to once. It’s not really a park, but more of a walking area. I took Liam there once to burn some energy. It was just us. A simple moment in time between a mom and her son. Nothing spectacular or phenomenal. But in there, in that moment, it was everything.

Today while on a walk with the kids we passed the park. I almost walked passed it without saying something bc it hurt to even think about it. But my overwhelming desire to feel close to him compelled me to enter the crushing pain with courage.

The kids asked me questions about the day. They asked if I was missing him. They asked if we had fun and I said yes. They asked if they could also have fun in here. I said, most definitely.

We recreated a photo from that day because it felt like that was one way to honor him and include him in the outing. It was nice to talk about him.

To be their mamma is the greatest gift of all. They’ve opened me up in the most amazing ways. They make me a better person every day. They are funny, fun, curious, bold, kind, strong, feisty, resilient, and so much more.

I am honored and feel the most gratitude every day that I get the opportunity to be their role model, their healer, their joke teller, their teacher, their mamma. I’m so grateful they chose me to be their mom.

My heart forever misses Liam and man oh man do I wish I got the chance to have these adventures with him in the same capacity. But I try to find different ways to mother him. He too makes me a better person and mom every day. I miss you puppy. I wish I could make you laugh, kiss your booboos, watch you compete, perform, or whatever else you’d want to do. I wish we had more lazy Sundays. I wish I could sing the lullabies and teach you to read. I wish so for a lot … thank you for making me a mom first and cracking me open in the most wonderful, transformative way.

I’m so grateful each of you have chosen me to be your mom.

To all the moms out there - no hood is like motherhood. Keep showing up for your kiddos. They’re watching. You’re doing great. To the soon to be moms, my unsolicited advice is - everything will be alright (more than alright). To those missing kids or moms, my heart is with you. To every mother, vet, newbie, or hoping to be one soon - keep going! Happy Mother’s Day!

This is what dreams are made of… I hope when they’re older they remember the fun.

6 years without you. No words can describe the pain or fill the missing part of my heart. I miss you, puppy. That is all.

Luna drew a family photo today in chalk. Nico wrote “Nico ❤️ Liam”. It was sweet but sad.

When Luna asked who the flowers were for and I said for you, she asked if we were going to visit heaven or if Lima was coming to visit us?

Nico explained that Lima can only visit us through animals and he’s a butterfly.

On the way back, Luna continued draw chalk breadcrumbs all the way back because she wanted to show Lima how to find us. Nico giggled and said, “he knows where we live.”

That’s all I have in me to share for now. Please don’t drink and drive. Please share Liam’s story.

Labor Day weekend is a dangerous weekend for drivers, bicyclists, and pedestrians. Use caution. Plan ahead before you drink. And don’t let others drink and drive. It’s never okay. It’s never worth it.

So much to say but I can’t seem to put the words together. So much love reserved for my sweet, blue eyed Bebisen but you’re not here for me to give to you.

Happy birthday puppy. I hope there’s donuts in heaven bc you deserve them all.

Thank you to everyone who participated in Liam’s WOD, shared his story, and continue to raise awareness against drunk driving. I wish we didn’t need this support but I’m so grateful for it. In moments of darkness our community shines a light for us.

If you participated in Liam’s WOD the second picture is for you. The moves all represented moves Liam would often try to imitate while watching us. Each move matters and means something so again thank you.

I miss you so much puppy. This year feels extra heavy.

These moments with them are everything! ❤️❤️❤️

Happy birthday to my personal Ted Talk - inspirational speaker - partner - husband - best dad to our kids - coach - and best friend! ❤️❤️❤️

You’re one of a kind and I love you for everything you are and the few things you’re not (the fact that you STILL cannot find your way around South Bay after almost a decade is pretty impressive).

I love you! Happy birthday. ❤️❤️❤️

A week late but happy birthday on social media to my troll princess. We’ve been celebrating you all week and I’ve been planning and working on your party for a full month.

You’re one of a kind. You have the energy of a Tasmanian devil. You’re a headstrong, funny, prankster, imaginative, strong, fashionista with boy humor.

I’m obsessed with you troll princess. I hope you enjoyed being the star of the party as Elsa in Arendelle.

Thank you to everyone for coming to celebrate my little princess.

Thank you and for commissioning this beautiful family picture from the very talented

Every time we take a family picture I feel the persistent sting of missing a vital piece of our family.

I’m very grateful for this family picture. To have every one of your children in one image, together, as one, is a small but special.

When you have everyone in your family together in one picture, cherish it.

I miss you Lilla Bebisen. I wish you were here. There’s not a day that goes by that you’re not on my mind.

What a wonderful birthday weekend. Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes and kindness!

Thank you to my for the special weekend and day. Experiences over things every day!

Making her (and my own) princess dreams come true. Trick or treating was a blast! Swipe for their cuteness.

Now to recoup the cost of this ridiculous dress, I’m now going to be moonlighting as a hired princess for children’s birthday and tea parties.

My favorite people. ❤️

Half a decade without you.

I miss your snuggles. I miss your chubby feet and toes. I miss your slobbery kisses. I miss you making me pat your butt as you fell asleep. I miss so much and wish for even more.

Nico says he misses you too although you never met earth side. Luna calls you Lima and says, “I love Lima. Lima so cute.”

You’re in everything we do. It’s not enough but we make the best of it. We will honor you always.

The smile of pure exhaustion… when your parents want a picture but you’ve just spent 4 hours playing with your friends in a bounce castle, shooting nerf guns, popping darts, playing games, opening gifts, and having a water balloon fight!

This party was a month after your birthday and you thought you were turning 5 all week in preparation, but I’m so happy you had fun with your friends.

One of my goals is to be the mom who throws awesome birthday parties where all the kids want to come back to next year! To those who attended, how’d I do?

One day in the future, you’ll be nostalgic for your life right now. Don’t let it pass you.

When it physically pains you to take pictures: Luna.

Family❤️

The sweetness is energizing.

I love watching kids play - my own and others. Kids make everything fun. Anything can be a game, an adventure, a surprise, a wonder!

I watch them and their freedom to just be themselves and be wild and make everything into something special and it’s inspiring.

We should all aspire to be more like children.

My motivation. Swipe to see him try to choke her.

You are their hero and you’re mine. Happy Father’s Day to the kindest, funniest, hardest working, and out of this world motivational pappa ever! Not to mention an incredible photographer and chef.

Although you’re getting better at cooking 😘

We’re so grateful for you.

Beach day Sunday! Working out, good people, the water... what more can you ask for?

Join on Sunday at Manhattan Beach Pier on the right side of the pier near tower 12.

9am Sweat
10am Thai Pads

Selfies after bag work with my favorite training partner. Also who has tips on how to get him to sleep on his own?