Coach Jilly

Do you fantasy date?

I used to.

Fantasy dating is what we do when we match or meet with someone and we begin to create a story in our mind about them, about us, about the potential relationship.

Sometimes we just like the way someone looks and we think, ahh, we would look really good together. That person would make me look good at family gatherings or we would make pretty babies.

Sometimes it's deeper. We begin getting to know someone and we ignore the fact that their words and actions don't match consistently. We put up with bad behavior because we can see ourselves with that person....or the fantasy of that person.

I have an ex-boyfriend I hung onto for way longer than I should have. Why? Because I was in love with the fantasy of him, not the reality of him. I SO wanted him to be the one because it would have been a really cool story.

But he couldn't be the one. He wasn't capable, he wasn't willing, he wasn't meeting me where I am. I was dating a fantasy... and I was miserable.

I kept trying to get him to be what I wanted him to be and not who he was...and that was miserable for him.

Do you fantasy date?

Do you meet someone and get caught up in a story that is not grounded in reality?
Are you in a fantasy relationship? It's one that is not meeting you where you are, right now. It's one where you don't feel seen, heard, or understood.

Let's wake up and live and date in reality. If someone's words & actions do not consistently match. If you do not feel safe to be completely yourself, if you are googling someone's behavior... you could indeed be a fantasy dater.

Stay curious my friends.

The grammar police are wondering if that's a word.

It is now. It was originally taught to me by my mentors Gay & Katie Hendricks.

Presencing is the act of being in a state of conscious awareness.

I asked my man recently for his thoughts on relationship Green Flags. He offered up presence. We talked for a while about how rare it is to meet people who are truly 'present'.

Presence is a relationship GREEN FLAG!

We all know what presence looks like on a date:
the phone is away or face-down
there is eye-contact
conversational engagement is flowing evenly between each person

The Hendricks explain it as being and moving in concert with what is happening.

It's a practice.

Putting your phone away is a great place to start. Turning off the TV or meeting somewhere there is not a TV, is another.

I try to practice turning towards my person when talking. It's so common that we yell at each other from other rooms or with our backs turned.

Presence simply takes intention and practice.

When you are fully present with someone, it communicates interest and concern.

It is a pre-requisite to the other Green Flags I've written about.

It is nearly impossible to be curious, vulnerable, or take radical personal responsibility if you are not fully present.

In what ways have you noticed your lack of presence?

As we continue the conversation about relationship Green Flags, let's get radical.

Ranking way up there with curiosity and vulnerability is radical personal responsibility.

Why do we have to use the word 'radical' Jill?

The definition of radical means far-reaching and thorough and well, taking responsibility should absolutely be inclusive of thoughts, feelings, attitudes and, behaviors.

Someone who can take ownership of their part of a relationship snafu is pretty freaking mature.

Someone who can admit fault and can express what they're feeling is pretty freaking mature.

Someone who can see their patterns and change course is pretty freaking mature.

When you blow it, admit it.

Let's do grown s**t.

Let us not forget that dating is an interview process for both parties.

When you notice that the person in front of you makes every adverse situation someone else's fault... RUN!

Not only can you be falling in love with a victim... guess who's going to be to blame for everything in the relationship once everyone gets comfortable?

Not them.

When a friend or a potential romantic partner can name their part in a situation or relationship failure without excuse, without blame... that's a major GREEN FLAG!

Let's make radical personal responsibility a thing.

Every day that I journal I start with writing celebrations. I think we let way too many great things go by in life without acknowledging them.

Today I wrote…

I celebrate new beginnings, do-overs, 2nd chances, fresh starts, another round, the newness of Spring, the sunrise after a dark night.

Here’s the thing, if you’re paying attention you know that nothing is permanent… and you alone have the power to make things different.

Notice I said ‘different’ not ‘better’.

No shade to those that use the word ‘better’ in the coaching or personal development space but for me, I quit the word ‘better’ a while back.

Why?

‘Better’ for me carries a certain air of judgment or shame… or both. It implies that my first attempt or current level of being was lacking or wrong and I don't consciously do judgment or shame anymore.

Do better. Be better.

UGH.

How about ‘different’?

The last time I checked most of us are actually doing the best that we can with what we know in our current circumstances.

I don’t know many people who come out of a hard time or what appears to be a s**tty decision and say, “Yeah, I knew better, I just refused.”

We all make choices based on what we feel is right at the time.

Not pleased with how it went? I propose ‘different’.

Pause.
Reflect.
Choose.
Commit to doing it differently the next time.

Honestly- let’s ditch the word ‘better’ unless we are comparing recipes or product reviews.

Let’s do ‘different’.

As someone who is constantly interested in growing, learning, and expanding who I am…I love do-overs.

Drop a heart or a comment if you're with me???

We are still talking about relationship GREEN FLAGS lovers.

Today's new connection green flag is vulnerability. (who's cringing already?)

My mentors Gay & Katie Hendricks taught me all the amazing things I know and teach others about relationshipping and they say "Lead with vulnerability".

Vulnerability is still something that feels like "naked & afraid" for most people so let me explain what I mean by "lead with vulnerability".

First of all, vulnerability is NOT over-sharing. Oversharing is weird and smells a bit desperate. Don't do it.

Your first date doesn't need to know that you had to get 20 stitches in your head after a fist-fight with your ex and the cops came because you knocked him out with a cast-iron pan.

First of all, get some tender healing for your heart.

Vulnerability looks like you making small talk in the produce section over the cantaloupe with that cutie when you say, "I'm never quite sure how to pick the perfect cantaloupe." or "I'm not suave at this dating thing, but I would love to share a coffee with you sometime.".

Vulnerability is disarming. It communicates to the other that you're human and gives them permission to be human also.

Vulnerability is the antithesis of "I'm cool because I know it all and have all the answers and am the smartest person in the room."

Ew.

Vulnerability is a lack of arrogance or boastfulness that many people think is attractive but really isn't.

Recap:
Vulnerability is cool.
Oversharing is not.
Lead with vulnerability.
Look for Green Flags!

In the spirit of relationship GREEN FLAGS, let's talk about curiosity!

Curiosity is most definitely one of my favorite character traits in any person. Maybe because I'm curious and I love to see that mirrored back to me.

I can also tell you the Gottman's research shows the most successful long-term relationships are those between two people who constantly stay curious about their partner.

Why is curiosity so important?

Here are my opinions...

Curiosity says who are you and what are you about? It also says I am open to learning more about what's going on inside you. I want to know more about your inner world. Curiosity says I don't have all the answers and I don't have you all figured out. Curiosity says I am listening, tell me more. Curiosity says I am teachable. Curiosity says it's not all about me. Curiosity says I am open to feedback.

Ladies, if he doesn't want to know about you... he's not a keeper.

Gentleman, if you are leading the conversation (as you initially should) and she's not reciprocating your curiosity...she's not a keeper.

Everyone knows that dating is ultimately an interview for the long-term job of finding a partnership.

If you're not curious about who you're messaging/texting/phoning or sitting in front of, all that's happening is a monologue... and the last I checked that's what a stage, YouTube or FB Live are for.

Stay curious my friends.

Let’s talk GREEN FLAGs:

My #1 green flag in a new relationship is what I call Energy Matching.

Meaning: Is this person showing up to this interaction with the same energy that I am?

Is this person as interested in me as I am them?

Sometimes we get confused because there are words…so many words.

In some circles it’s called “love-bombing”… or as my friend KiKi and I call it “front-loading”.

Dating someone new can feel confusing when someone seems to “say” all the right things right away.

It’s oh so dreamy when someone mirrors you…saying they want all the things you want. They like the same food, doing the same activities and oh my gosh they’ve even been to the same places on vacation….

Remember we always believe ACTIONS > WORDS.

The green flag you should seek first and foremost: Is this person an energy match?

~Do they appear to be investing a similar amount of energy in this new connection that you are?
~Do they pursue or respond to pursuit consistently??
~Do they do what they say they will do?~Do they make plans, or communicate another option when plans can’t be made?
~Do they answer phone calls, return text messages or reach out in a timely manner?

This all seems so elementary…but for some reason when we like the “idea” of someone too quickly we tend to bypass the FLAGS.

We think they’re so cute and we begin to fantasize what a future with them would look like, so we ignore reality.

What are some other GREEN FLAGS you’ve noticed in new relationship connections?

We're so fun when we make up stories in our heads...

This was a conversation I had with my bestie recently. Whenever one of us says something I think is clever I write it down to share with you all.

Everything that has ever happened to us since childhood we create meaning around.

Dad left, so that means I'm unlovable. I needed more hugs from Mom so women are frigid...

He cheated so I'm not worth choosing.
She lied so women just aren't honest.

That's so cute.

Carl Jung says something like this: Until we become conscious of the unconscious we will stay embroiled in our patterns and call it fate.

They're just stories. It's ALL mindset.

I'm not saying your childhood experience wasn't without trauma or that your last romantic relationship wasn't toxic.

YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.

My 22-year marriage ended because of betrayal. It would be absolutely reasonable for me to choose to tell myself the story that men can't be trusted.

I am saying that the meaning that you've attached to what one or a set of people have done to you is simply a story.

You can change how the story ends.

You alone have the power to change the victim narrative about what's happened in your life.

If someone else has forgiven, made peace, healed, and attracted healthy true love... so can you.

All that separates you from someone else is the stories you tell yourself.

To uncover your unconscious stories try this:

Finish this sentence:
Men are...
Women are...

You may be shocked to discover what you really believe!

I had a conversation with a friend who is struggling with unrequited love…

What if you feel you’ve found “the one”?
What if you don’t feel the need to look any further?
What this person checks all the boxes? What if it’s the right person but the wrong timing?

I’ve posted about this before out of my own experience. Right person, wrong timing…

But, I don’t want anyone else

All of these thoughts/feelings are valid.

I’ve spent months ruminating, wishing, longing, fantasizing about a person who I desperately wanted to be “the one”….months.

Meanwhile, this person, was out there living their best life, dipping in and out of my life erratically… keeping me on the hook but never truly coming forward.

Do I wait?
No.
Why?

Because the biggest box that this person was not checking for me was choosing me.

Are you sure I shouldn't wait?
No.
Why?

Because all we have is today, this moment, the present. Are you OK with putting your entire life on hold while waiting for someone who may or may not come through in the future?

Why are you delaying your potential joy, love, adventure, and aliveness that you could be experiencing with someone else?

As a recovering addict of attracting emotional unavailability, this pattern was reinforcing the deeply held belief that I am not worth showing up for.

See… right here. Is. the. proof.

The longer I waited and fantasized… the less room I had to be open to what else may have been out there for me. It was my unconscious version of avoidance.

Mind blown.

But Jill! What if I’m missing out on someone?

Listen to me: YOU WILL NEVER MISS OUT ON WHAT IS MEANT FOR YOU!

I had to remind myself of this powerful truth.

If you don’t want me(today), you’re not for me.

Choose YOU by saying No to anyone who is not choosing you.

Life meets you at your level of belief.

Might wanna read that 2 or 3 times before continuing...

I don't how to be much clearer about this, it's the same message as the Latin proverb that is translated: "Fortune favors the bold!"

When it comes to attracting true love what is the difference between me and you? Mindset.

I'm gonna put some of my dearest friends on blast right now... they know I love them.

My man and I were in the front seat one evening driving 2 of my closest friends home from a fun gathering we had all attended together.

Two beautiful, smart, eligible single women sat in the back seat lamenting over the quality of men "out there". How online dating just sucks and they both preferred to "meet someone organically."

He and I sat in the front seat snickering in silence at the irony of the entire conversation. Especially since we matched on Tinder, the most notorious "hook-up" dating app out there.

If you believe that online dating sucks, men are dawgs, women are liars, nobody looks like their pictures, nobody wants to actually meet...

Well...

That is where life will meet you.

Life meets you at your level of belief.

What limiting beliefs about your love life would you like to shift???

Comment below!

** This post will be made in the heteronormative

Do you know what is s*xy AF?

A man with a plan.

He texts and calls and makes dates.

I LOVE a man who is clear about what he wants and goes after it.

Not in a creepy or pushy kind of way.

In a divine masculine, BDE, King kind of way.

Dating app, grocery store, blind-date set-up... it doesn't matter how you met. This man communicates consistently and clearly and he pursues in the same damn way.

In my world, that's called a high-quality man.

They're out there.

I refused to believe anything else...

I matched with my high-quality man on Tinder...

You know the app with the bad reputation? Yeah, that one.

To all of you high-quality men reading this, Thank you, and please don't give up!

There are high-quality women out there who are waiting for you.

Ladies, if you're fooling around with someone who doesn't make a plan to see you, talk to you, be in your energy... sis, he ain't the one.

When you say No, you’re really saying Yes!

Saying No to someone or something that does not meet your energetic standards is simply saying Yes to what you truly desire.

Your ability to say No is a direct correlation to your integrity and personal alignment.

Picture life as a dinner plate and dating as a food buffet. For every man or woman you say “No thanks” to, you are making room for the “the one”.

**Now, if you compulsively date because you’re avoidant, or you love the adrenaline hit of swiping, then none of this applies to you.

If you really do want to attract a long-term partner then keep reading.

I recently asked you to make a list of qualities you want your potential partner to possess.

The next step is to determine which of those items on the list are negotiable.

For example, you may really love kayaking, but your potential mate does not.

Do you ditch a high-quality person over a hobby?

No.

I would think kayaking may be something that is negotiable in a relationship.

You can go kayaking with your friend Monica.

Qualities like: Honesty, loyalty, emotional availability and sense of humor… those are things that should remain on the non-negotiable list.

You get me?

As soon as you meet someone who clearly does not get or participate in your sense of humor, it’s time to say No.

In the spirit of accepting people exactly as they are when you found them, this is a boundary. It’s a way to avoid self-abandonment.

You’re a great person and all, but if we can’t laugh together that’s a No for me dawg.

Energetically, as soon as you say No to someone you immediately make room on your dinner plate for that steak or dessert your mouth was watering for.

I spent the last year learning to say No to what wasn’t working.

It took bravery and decisiveness.

I often had to phone a friend to check me on what I was tolerating.

It was absolutely worth it.

What will you begin to say No to in your dating practice this year?

Do you know what's super s*xy?

Consistency and pursuit.

I speak to clients and friends daily about their dating life. The stories are eerily similar from person to person, no matter their location.

People just don't show up. I mean they don't communicate or come through with consistency. The words and the actions don't match. One day they seem interested, the next they're gone.

I'm not going to say it's men...because it's not. I've heard from men repeatedly that they can't get women to actually talk on the phone or meet in person.

Both sides are frustrating.

I'm here to ask how YOU are showing up?

Do you take days to respond? Do you ghost when you don't know what to say or are just not interested? Do you have so many untended wounds that you can't be yourself when getting to know someone? Are you shady or weird when things start to feel more serious?

Are you dating without integrity but expecting it from others?

I noticed a while back that I was expecting things from men that I wasn't giving to myself...

Well, that's unfair.

How are your boundaries? Where have you set the bar?

I'm here today to ask all the questions.

If those in your dating pool don't seem to be meeting your standards, how has your attitude kept that in rotation (i.e. dating sucks or this is exhausting...)?

How are you making others responsible for your happiness and where can you take back your power?

I am super turned-on by consistency and pursuit. I say no to every scenario that lacks it.

The most amazing thing continues to happen... pursuit and consistency keep showing up.

What do you think is s*xy in a relationship and are you bringing those qualities to the dating table too?

I get that life is an awakening process... none of us is completely "woke". Otherwise, we would be Jesus or the Buddha or something...

Awakening is most definitely a journey, a process, and sometimes a painful one. I gots stories I could tell....

Some of us folks are slowly rubbing the crusties from our eyes...and some of us are just plain sleepwalking.

I'm not here to pass judgment on your place or progress on the journey.

However, I am going to tell you: Don't get mad when you fall down the stairs. It's inevitable.

My dear friend shares this concept of the feather, the brick, and the freight train. Each message shows up with more velocity behind it.

You choose.

The bumps and bruises are there FOR you...to remind you...to further awaken you.

Life is trying to wake you up. You can resist, but know this, if you continue to ignore the messages that the Universe is sending you, things are going to get a little dicey on the stairs.

Oh and if you can manage to find some rad people to walk the journey with, even better.

Chances are they can rouse you awake at times, call you on your bulls**t, and hit the light switch in the hallway so you don't bust your ass down the entire flight.

Ok, ok, I know it's crude but stay with me I will explain.

A front-loader: someone who comes in HOT in a dating scenario and then their character or their interest-level cannot be maintained.

A bottom-feeder: someone who is lazy in their dating interactions, doing the bare minimum...because after all, s*x on Tinder is free.

Why in the world would someone have anything in a goat???? Gross.

Yes, it is a disgusting analogy, but the point is this: People show us who they are pretty darn quickly. Sometimes it's all in their dating profiles before we even match with them.

When someone tells you they're busy; believe them. If someone says they live at the gym; believe them. If someone says their dogs sleep in the bed; believe them.

And when someone tells you they're into goats... don't be surprised when you happen upon them with a goat.

Do you get me?

Stop thinking people are going to change for you, or that you can change them.

It's ridiculous and it's futile.

Pay attention to the way people are showing up... and believe what their actions show you.

Most importantly, pay attention to the way YOU are showing up in the world.

Is it in alignment with what you want to project out into the world?

Are you living in personal integrity?

When all is said and done, that is all you can control.

The other night I was at a friend's house and my bike got tipped over...while I was on it.

It was a total accident.

No malice, no ill will. In fact, it was in a moment of absolute fun.

However, if you know me intimately, you know that me and my motorcycle are in a total love affair.

This motorcycle, Ruby is her name, has brought me so much joy and a sense of freedom and alignment I have never known before her.

In that moment, I was out of control.

Unaware, my freedom and autonomy were taken from me.

The feelings flooded me like a tsunami.

Shame, guilt, inadequacy...

What just happened? How could this have happened? How did I let this happen? What the F*&k is wrong with you Jill?!?!

Both the bike and are fine. There was no damage.

This is how life happens though. Some things we can see coming. Some things drop like a motorcycle on the pavement.

People come and go from our lives. Bills arrive. Cars break down. Loved ones get sick. Lovers leave.

There are 2 ways to process these things.

1. Life is happening TO me.
2. Life is happening FOR me.

I had no idea that I would feel what I felt when that happened. I could have gotten angry, lashed out at the innocent person involved, or even let it ruin the friendship.

I chose to stay open and get curious about what I was feeling.

Are you choosing to be a victim to your current circumstances or can you see how they are happening to create growth and beauty in your life?

Do you hear me, do you feel me? We gon' be alright.

I’m a wordie. (Yes, I made up that word.)

I appreciate people with verbal tact and who are gifted in articulation. Clear, concise communication is a huge turn-on. I love words, poetry, grammar, spelling, vocabulary, even if you don’t know by reading my stuff.

However, loving words has gotten me into a bit of trouble in the past.

I noticed years ago, as I was doing the healing work from childhood I was so starved for affirming words that when I experienced men who “talked a good game” I was smitten.

Silence or being ignored was my norm.

So when I first experienced someone who wanted to share with me, it was like: Yes please, smooth talker, lots of talking, tell me all the things… just lie to me. Tell me I’m pretty, tell me you love me, tell me you’re sorry, tell me you’ll change.

Then I peeled back another healing layer and realized I was surrounded by talkers. Smooth operators. Bulls**tters. Verbose men who loved to hear the sound of their own voices, and they all knew just how to reel me back in when they f’d up.

But he said he was sorry. But he said he would change. But he said I was the most amazing woman he ever met and he would Never. Stop. Fighting. For me! For us…
[𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩, 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵]

LOVE… is an action. Love is a verb.

Love is a conscious choice that one makes daily.

Love is not some cosmic lightning bolt that changes all your bad habits and magically makes others believe they are loved.

Love is something that you cultivate so deeply inside of you that it ultimately flows out of you towards others.

I’m not saying words don’t hold any value, but I’m saying when it comes to love and relationships always give more weight to what people DO vs. what they SAY.

ACTIONS > WORDS

every. damn. time.

I’d rather sleep alone than sleep with you and feel alone.

I thrive on human connection.

I don’t need fancy cars or diamond rings (Cue up: Blaque-Bring It All To Me) from my partner but at a deep core level, I need to feel connected.

In fact, as a 9 on the Enneagram, disconnection is one of my core fears.

It’s like torture to me; disconnect.

Once I understood that about myself it became easier (not easy) to begin to make choices to protect my heart. Also known as boundaries.

Once you understand yourself and your core values and needs it becomes YOUR responsibility to provide those things to yourself.

Self-abandonment is a real thing.

And so, while I may not have a partner to share my life and my bed with, I have made deep connection my responsibility.

I make conscious choices to say no to situations that do not provide a sense of real connection. In doing so, I stay connected to me and open to people and situations that CAN provide real connection.

It also helps that I have a soul tribe that I can deeply connect to.

I’m curious, what is your Enneagram number?
Do you know your core fears and needs?
And do you have a soul tribe to support you in all of this??

People (mostly women) reach out to me often with their stories. He DID this, but he SAYS (he loves me, I'm his soulmate, he's never loved anyone like he does me, I'm special). *cough cough[𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵]

So this post will be written in the gender-normative from a female perspective.

Always believe what a man DOES over what he SAYS. Always!

He may very well be a "soulmate" ladies...but guess what? He may not be willing or available.

Guess what else? He may be willing and available but lack the depth and soul development that's required to show up for you.

I've written before and I will say it again, if you're confused, it's a no.

Read that again: Confusion = NO

Someone who wants you, who is ready for you, who is capable of loving you is showing up. He is showing up daily.

You know why?

Because he's ready, willing, and able.

A man who wants you will fight bears and wrestle lions for you. Even if it's just the ones in his head. I promise.

Cosmic timing really is none of your business.

What is your business is to consider the way he's showing up and then determine if it matches up with what you want, need, and deserve.

Proceed accordingly.

In the same way that knowledge can only flow into minds that are open, love can only flow into open hearts.

An unhealed heart is a closed one.

In the past when my heart had been battered and bruised in relationship with another human my natural response was contraction, closure, zipping up, shutting down, and getting smaller and quieter.

I became rigid.

Like a Venus flytrap… don’t get too close or I’ll [[snaps closed]]

Have you ever noticed, when you’re scared, you hold your breath?
When you physically get hurt, you clench or tighten your muscles to stifle the pain.

Closing up, tightening down, lack of breath all have one thing in common: blocked flow.

We don’t even realize we’re doing it because it’s innate.

It’s how we cope and control the pain or if you’ve been hurt enough… potential pain.

We stay contracted and clenched, squinting through one open eye waiting for the blows to land.

But LOVE… love is open,... love is expansive, ... love is breath... love is flow.

Love is supple, flowy, malleable, and unzipped.

Love says YES!

I remain open-minded because I want more knowledge.

I commit to remaining open-hearted because I want more love. Even if I am terrified.

Stay open my friends.

Triggers... all around us.

Triggers are those things that create a negative emotional response in us.

Judgments, defensiveness, irritation, frustration, annoyance...

All triggers that are showing up for a reason.

There's something underneath there that is asking to be seen, heard, acknowledged, healed.

News flash! It's not them, it's you.

If something, anything gets you ruffled. If someone says or does something that elicits anything but love, acceptance, or compassion from you...it's a trigger.

Triggers are clues into your deeper emotional world. Why do I vibe with someone you can't stand? Why does someone being late bug me but not you?

Get curious. Ask yourself, why does this bother me so much? What do I need at this moment that I'm not giving to myself?

Triggers are all opportunities to heal and grow. You may need to communicate a boundary. You may need to tend to something inside of you.

When you get triggered, get curious.

What are your dating triggers???

Comment below!