Kathryn Ford, MD

Coupling requires more of us than we anticipated. More time, more energy, more learning. Life has pulled a bit of a “bait and switch” (also known as the end of the honeymoon). We begin to feel that a great deal is at stake, there’s no easy exit, and we have no idea how to proceed. Relationships can be the perfect storm—or the perfect conditions for learning.

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Why do relationships spiral?

Almost any action or interaction has in it some ambiguity, room for interpretation. This is particularly true concerning the meaning and motivations of our speech and behaviors. We are constantly filling in the blanks - speculating on the meaning of something someone said or did. (Actually, we even fill in the blanks concerning the actual words spoken or actions taken.

Our auditory and visual perceptions involve a process of filling in the blanks of imperfectly perceived stimuli. No wonder couples so often don’t even agree about what was actually said or done) In an upward spiral, we fill in the blanks with positive assumptions and interpretations - we give the benefit of the doubt.

In a downward spiral, we fill in the blanks with negative assumptions–we assume the worst. Your partner schedules a business meeting Saturday at the time of your daughter’s soccer game.

In an upward cycle you might not like it, but you will either assume that she did this for good reasons, keeping the needs of the family well in mind, or you may assume you don’t know what she had in mind and ask her, in an open, curious way, how she decided this.

If, on the other hand, you’re in a downward spiral, you may see this as the next in a series of screw ups, or imagine it means she is not interested in the soccer game, your daughter, or even the family. And you likely will not check this out by asking her, or if you do, you’re likely to do so in a way that will feel accusatory and make her defensive.

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How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work If you and your partner are separated by many miles, there are several things to do in a long-distance relationship to ensure a successful partnership.

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How To Set Up Family Rules That Are Actually Followed The right family rules are powerful tools and guiding principles. But you need to enforce them with consistency and kindness. Here's how to do just that.

Agree or disagree? ✨

Our Western culture makes it hard for couples to experience their difficulties that
way. We over-value romantic love, individuality, control, choice, and comfort—all things that an intimate, committed relationship is likely to disrupt. We undervalue the hard- earned learning that is inseparable from life and love.

Often couples take their difficulties to mean that they are failing at, or even
incapable of succeeding in, their partnership. Perhaps the difficulties mean they have chosen the wrong person. Perhaps they are the wrong person. Conversely, couples may conclude that actually no one is succeeding in having a good relationship, that their hopeful expectations are unrealistic, and that they should resign themselves to the particular brand of misery that is life as a couple. None of these understandings is true or helpful.

In mythology and fairy tales, the bearers of gifts or wisdom are often disguised as
something or someone unwanted, unappealing, ugly, or even dangerous. The hero
spends a great deal of time and energy trying to ignore, defeat, or get rid of the
troublesome figure. Along the way, he or she has many adventures and finally acquires wisdom or wealth. Those things we initially encounter as problems often lead us to hidden treasure. In relationships, the hidden treasure.

Agree or disagree?

Responding to Your Partner's Openness --

When it comes to building intimacy and trust, moving forward on green is just as important as stopping on red. When your partner signals an openness, you must be able to sense it, and approach. Not doing so can send a message of rejection, and they are likely to close in response. Relationships grow when each of you is willing to risk offering more, and asking for more. When one person misses a cue and fails to approach, a moment of potential closeness is lost.

Couples fail to ‘go on green’ for all kinds of reasons. If one of you tentatively risks some vulnerable or tender feelings, the other may fail to notice—or even distrust it. On the other hand, pay-offs are big when you can make a welcoming response to vulnerability. Learn to pick up on (sometimes small) signals of willingness to trust. And the more aware you are of your own feelings, the more you’ll be able to recognize your hesitancy, and then acknowledge it, rather than simply ignoring or rejecting your partner’s offer.

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✨ Simple way to improve your conversations: slow down.

Openness and mindfulness get easier when you slow down. The pace of most conversations barely allows you to exchange information, much less sort through all the complex reactions and interactions.

In any conversation, far more is happening than you can possibly be aware of at the moment. You’re talking, listening, having memories, feeling emotions, and getting distracted. Things move fast, often without pauses or silences. Additionally, when emotions heighten, we tend to speed up–usually the opposite of what is needed.

Slowing down helps you modulate emotional arousal in conversation.

Slowing things down gives you time to become aware of words, thoughts, feelings–to listen and speak for love and understanding.

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🤝 Openness and mindfulness get easier when you slow down.

The pace of most conversations barely allows you to exchange information, much less sort through all the complex reactions and interactions.

In any conversation, far more is happening than you can possibly be aware of in the moment. You’re talking, listening, having memories, feeling emotions, and getting distracted. Things move fast, often without pauses or silences.

Additionally, when emotions heighten, we tend to speed up–usually the opposite of what is needed.

Slowing down helps you modulate emotional arousal in conversation. Slowing things down gives you time to become aware of words, thoughts, feelings–to listen and speak for love and understanding.

Visit kathrynfordmd.com for more ❤️

❤️ When it comes to building intimacy and trust, moving forward on green is just as important as stopping on red.

When your partner signals an openness, you must be able to sense it, and approach. Not doing so can send a message of rejection, and they are likely to close in response.

Relationships grow when each of you is willing to risk offering more, and asking for more. When one person misses a cue and fails to approach, a moment of potential closeness is lost.

Visit kathrynfordmd.com for more ✨

Do you agree? One of the most confusing things about love is the difference between the feeling of being “in love” and the feelings of loving and being loved.⁣⁣
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Our feelings–our emotional reactions–are a rich source of information. Research shows that people who pay attention to their emotional responses make better decisions.1⁣⁣
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Yet, it’s also true that sometimes interpreting these feelings can be tricky–especially the feelings of love.⁣⁣
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We often choose each other, whether for a second date or a lifetime, based on a feeling of attraction. When this is very strong, we are “in love.”⁣⁣
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For most people, the feeling of being in love is absolutely wonderful. Our heart sings. Our feet have wings. All of the confusing complexity of life vanishes as we develop a single-pointed focus on the beloved.⁣⁣

They Married, Divorced and Then Married Their Ex-Spouses Again ❤️

They Married, Divorced and Then Married Their Ex-Spouses Again Five couples share how and why they decided to reconcile and tie the knot again.

Do you agree?

✨ Everything in relationships depends on openness and awareness of openness.

✨ You can develop your ability to be aware of your openness and of your partner’s openness.

✨ To have the most loving contact with the least injury, read the signals: go on green and stop on red.

Read more -- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/openings/202110/the-importance-being-open-in-the-moment or use link in bio!

❤️ Love is not something we simply find. Learning to love and to be loved is a life-long practice. ⁣⁣
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And the feelings you experience as you learn to love are many and various, some delightful and others uncomfortable and challenging.⁣⁣⁣
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Your partner fails to remember it’s date night. Love at that moment may feel like a struggle with yourself to remain calm and patient. Or your partner’s mother gets sick just before that fabulous vacation you’ve been looking forward to. Love then feels like sadness, maybe anger, at having to give up something you really wanted. It feels like the difficulty of reopening your heart to generosity for your partner and her mother.⁣⁣⁣
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Loving relationships are full of hard conversations, painful differences, and misunderstandings. ⁣⁣
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In order to love well, we must practice the internal acrobatics of dealing with uncomfortable and compelling feelings of hurt, anger, fear, and abandonment. These are a natural part of all-important relationships.⁣⁣⁣
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They nudge us, sometimes shove us, toward aggression, isolation, defensiveness–any number of reactions that take us in the opposite direction of love. ⁣⁣
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Learning to love well means that we figure out, over and over again, how to pause before reacting. This is how we turn bad moments into moments of learning to love.⁣⁣⁣
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Learn to influence with your mindful openness .

How Do You Get That Special Person to Open Up to You? Behind the scenes of every encounter, we are constantly trying to solve the riddle: how do I get you to be more open to me?

A friend once said to me about her marriage, “I’ve tried so hard to just accept him and not try to change him.” To her surprise, my response was, “Why!?” Why either/or, as if acceptance is what we do instead of change? Acceptance is actually a vital part of successful change. Part of who we are is that we are capable of learning and changing. Full acceptance includes acceptance of this capacity for change.

Acceptance uncoupled from expecting change reflects the belief that "people are who they are," and that they don’t change. This is not acceptance but resignation. You collaborate for positive change by accepting both who who your partner is today and who they might become. The vision inspires us; acceptance helps us to be patient and loving for learning that is often both long and hard.

What could your relationship be if you committed to the adventure of helping each other become better at loving?

Before walking out...

✨At the point that you almost walk out the door, but instead turn around and decide to try again:

✨Admit that you don’t yet know what to do.

✨Make time to be together free from other responsibilities.

✨Talk more, not less, about what you feel and think.

✨Listen openly and mindfully.

Have the courage to tolerate, and to let your partner tolerate, difficult feelings.
Commit to learning together how to build the relationship you want.

Get help if you need it. (A therapist can help you discover what it is you haven’t tried or haven’t yet learned.)

And most importantly, keep talking. This new conversation is big and on-going. You don’t achieve the turn–around in one quick half hour of honesty. (In fact that is likely to do more harm than good.) Begin a conversation that will be a part of your relationship forever. Commit to having it, getting good at it, and even learning to enjoy it.

How to stop escaping emotions and start getting closer.

How Partners Micro-Ghost Each Other Love is built, or not, in those difficult emotional moments when we encounter each other a bit more naked than usual.

How Do You Get That Special Person to Open Up to You?

❤️ Everything we want from each other, caring, understanding, collaboration, planning, and problem-solving, happen or don’t, depending on openness.

❤️ You have the ability at each moment to influence the openness of the other person.

❤️ Your steady, open contact sends a powerful message that you’re offering love and safety.

Read more -- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/openings/202202/how-do-you-get-special-person-open-you or use link in bio

At the point that you almost walk out the door, but instead turn around and decide to try again:

✨ Admit that you don’t yet know what to do.

✨ Make time to be together free from other responsibilities.

✨ Talk more, not less, about what you feel and think.

✨ Listen openly and mindfully.

✨ Have the courage to tolerate, and to let your partner tolerate, difficult feelings.
Commit to learning together how to build the relationship you want.

✨ Get help if you need it. (A therapist can help you discover what it is you haven’t tried or haven’t yet learned.)

And most importantly, keep talking. This new conversation is big and on-going. You don’t achieve the turn–around in one quick half hour of honesty. (In fact that is likely to do more harm than good.) Begin a conversation that will be a part of your relationship forever. Commit to having it, getting good at it, and even learning to enjoy it.

Read more here -- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/openings/202404/before-calling-it-quits-on-your-marriage or use link in bio.

Fireworks happen in great s*x and great conversation—if you know how to listen.

Listening Like You Mean It Fireworks happen when two people connect with open hearts and open minds. To spark fireworks in a conversation, you first have to learn how to really listen.

Before Calling It Quits on Your Marriage: Stop trying what isn’t working and discover what you don’t know.

✨ Long relationships are a series of relationships with the same person.

✨ Deciding to end it is usually preceded either by fighting or (to avoid fighting) not connecting.

✨ Not knowing what to do can be the beginning instead of the end.

✨ Learn mindful listening and talking, and be open to discovery.

Before Calling It Quits on Your Marriage When your relationship is falling apart, don’t just do something! Admitting you don’t know what to do can be the beginning instead of the end.