Baby's Breath Birth

Placenta magic! I waited to process my own placenta due to my milk supply issues. We don’t have a ton of studies on placentophagy. Anecdotally, capsules can either increase or decrease your milk supply due to the hormones (some don’t notice any change.) I’m starting very slow with my own capsules, hopeful they won’t have negative effect on the little milk I make for my babe. 🤍

I have waited so long to have my own placenta to process and the time finally came! I’m in awe of this magical little organ that I grew to nourish my very healthy babe. 🤍

All the ways we’re going through this season 🤍

Today is World Breastfeeding Day. I’ve dreamed of nursing my babe for almost two decades, especially after being part of the nursing journey for so many others. I didn’t at all imagine our journey being what it has been. After a very necessary but emotionally difficult cesarean and a NICU stay for Atticus, nursing seeming to start of well and I was ecstatic. “At least this part is going well after everything, I don’t know what I’d do it if wasn’t.” I’ve sobbed so much - from his first latch in the NICU with wires and beeps, our first snuggly nurse with him in my room, nursing him standing up two days after surgery feeling like such a badass - I was elated. We got home and he was nursing as he should until he suddenly wasn’t - and stopped peeing and pooping. We desperately gave formula the night before learning he lost 20% of his body weight and was very dehydrated. Heartbroken, I felt like an awful mother. My baby was starving. While AJ fed him donor milk from a coworker and working with an IBCLC, it became clear my milk wasn’t “coming in.” Atticus screamed at the breast and wanted not much to do with me. I didn’t want to hold him much, I felt like I had nothing to offer him and I just cried. I felt awful for crying at him. We tried an SNS, like a tube feeding at the breast, and that worked on and off. We’ve tried about everything and have found I’m one of the rare, unlucky few whose body cannot produce much milk, likely due to hormones, despite doing everything possible. I’m now taking a medication that will hopefully increase my milk amounts, but it’s not a given. I’m not ready to give up. But, I’m trying to give up being mad at my body. I realized I hadn’t been present with my baby, that I’ve also dreamed for, because I was worrying and googling and researching how to make milk instead of bonding with him in other ways. Today, 5 weeks out, he latches a few times a day and gets the tiny bit of milk I have while getting mostly bottles of amazing donor breastmilk. I take pictures every time we nurse in case there’s not a next time and I’ll cherish them forever. For anyone in my situation - give yourself and your baby love, but also let yourself grieve 🤍

Just a reminder that you can support healthy pregnancies and births while also supporting someone’s right to choose not to be pregnant or birth ✌🏻

Magical cord love from a placenta from a mama who made empowered, educated, and confident decisions throughout her changing birth journey to support her body and her baby. Birth changes. Plans change. Sometimes the best outcome for you is one you never saw coming, but ends up being the best decision you’ve ever made. Birth can be personal and empowering, no matter the journey. 🌈

Yes. There’s cat hair all over my leggings and sleep marks on my belly. But who cares because this six month old fetus is viable today. Of course I want to keep him in as long as possible, but he can now fight like hell and have a decent chance if he decides to be born. This little name plate came in the mail today and I started sobbing in my kitchen because I realized: I’ve been holding my breath for 20 weeks, waiting for this day. Working in labor and delivery is obviously different than doula life in so many ways, but I didn’t realize how anxious I would be when it was my turn. I didn’t realize I’d be so nervous that I would be one of the sad cases on my unit rather than a joyful one. I didn’t realize how often pregnancy goes wrong instead of right. I take care of my body. I eat (mostly) food foods. I meditate and relax and drink water and move my body. I do the things I can control because there’s so much that’s out of my control. (Yes, I talk to my v patient therapist about this too!) It’s going to feel surreal and I’ll continue to be a little nervous until I can hold him outside of me, but for now I can breathe. Until he starts kicking my lungs (but even then I’ll be stupid grateful.)