Stoller Parent Coaching

Enjoy. I see you, parents.

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Ohhhh - this is so succinctly true and gets to the heart of it. Our kiddos feel it, and so do our partners and others in our lives.

This is the title of chapter 3 in my new book: Raising Securely Attached Kids: Connected Parenting for Confidence, Empathy and Resilience.

It is a hard reality that the unspoken, unprocessed, unaddressed wounds in our hearts, minds, and nervous systems will inevitably be passed to our children in emotional states.

Even if we never tell our children about the hard things we have gone through, they can sense them in our self-talk, our emotional dysregulation, and our anxiety about them.

When we take the time to heal our own past pains, we free ourselves up to be attuned, present, and confident parents, a gift of generational healing that will echo far beyond our children.

Comment SECURE below and I will DM you a link to my book Raising Securely Attached Kids: Connected Parenting for Confidence, Empathy, and Resilience!

All preorders (before on sale date Sept 3rd) earn two free goodies: a live Q and A ask me anything on Sept 16th, and a 50% discount off my 6 week Secure Parenting Virtual program out soon! head to www.attachmentnerd.com/preorder to collect your goodies once you have preordered the book!

Paperback, e-book and audible versions available!

Check this out!! A wonderful group!

“It’s such a relief to finally shed the expectations of others and be the parent my child needs instead of the parent everyone else wants me to be.” Developed by CMHRC mental health professionals, our Palliative Parenting class focuses on improving quality of life for ourselves and our children, both in the moment and for the future. We know how challenging it can be to parent a child or teen with mental health challenges. Each week CMHRC instructors provide educational material, facilitate discussion, and review strategies and techniques that can be applied immediately. Learn more at https://cmhrc.org/pp-class/

Which type are you?

GREAT Script !!!

For our children as well.

I’ve been a therapist, client, teacher, learner for a long ass time, and this is the thing I know most of all: YOUR PRESENCE IS YOUR SUPER POWER.

What would happen if you really, deeply, truly started to believe that?

It’s not your money, your fixing, or your cleverness. It’s not your pity or your praise.

It’s your love-infused presence. I want that to feel like a weight off your shoulders, like a deep exhale. Show up. Listen. Tune yourself into the experience of the other.

Decenter yourself (your ego, your desire to rescue, your impatience, your moral outrage). And just be WITH the person you love as they hurt.

Trust the beauty that is your body near their body, holding the bass note as they ride the waves of emotion. Lean the eff right into that.

There’s all kinds of s**t that makes this simplicity hard to believe. Sometimes men-people especially struggle to trust that they are enough just exactly as they are cuz the world has told them that if the people they love are hurting, then they gotta fix that s**t forthwith.

But I’ve seen it too many times.. how she melts in the embrace of his curiosity and care. Ooh it brings me to tears every time!

Believe in the healing magic of you.

Thank you for these words, The In-Sync Village

Oklahoma Parents Center, Inc. ❤

Parent Couples - THIS is the reframe you may need!

I’ve been a couples therapist for over a quarter of a century, and I’m here to remind you that it’s OK to go to bed mad.⁣
* Not every night, not even lots of nights.⁣
* Not to prove a point.⁣
* Not to get the upper hand.⁣
* Not to punish your partner.⁣
* Not to show your partner what a jerk they are.⁣
But sometimes more talking makes things worse.⁣
⁣
Situations in which it is loving to go to bed mad:⁣
* You’re exhausted.⁣
* You don’t have privacy.⁣
* You’ve been drinking or using drugs.⁣
* It’s late & you’re talking in circles.⁣
* One of both of you has a big day tomorrow.⁣
* You have little kids who’ll be up at the ass crack of dawn needing pancakes or peekaboo.⁣
* You’re at risk of saying or doing something that you’ll regret because you’re upset & exhausted.⁣

It seems paradoxical but going to bed mad can be a sign of respect for this relationship.⁣
⁣
When we are exhausted, we take stances that are more extreme than if we were rested. Tiredness dysregulates our bodies which can lead us to perceive our partner as more hostile than they are being and the situation as more dire/urgent than it is.⁣
⁣
HOW to go to bed mad. ⁣
* Call an intentional time out (“I am needing a break” or “I think we should pause for now.”)⁣
* Acknowledge the difficulty of the moment (“This is a really hard conversation” or “I think we both feel pretty hurt & misunderstood.”)⁣
* Agree to resume in the morning (“Let’s come back to this after we’ve gotten some sleep.”)⁣
* Bonus points if you can express a measure of hope/connection, even if only 3% of you can believe it right now (“I want us to get through this” or “I think we’re gonna figure this out” or “I ❤️ you”)⁣
* Double bonus points if you can offer a loving gesture- give a pat on the hand, get them a glass of water, give their foot a squeeze. A loving gesture reminds you both that you are safe even as you are upset.⁣
And then send out an intention that sleep will offer you and your partner a fresh perspective and a softened heart.⁣

⁣Romantic myths like “don’t go to bed mad,” sell us a view that if love is not easy, it is wrong - and that if we can live by that simplistic code, we are the problem.

New paradigm

Thinking and research evolves over decades, as clinical/systems & practices wait for more evidence to come in. I grew weary of witnessing children in schools & agencies treated with methods backed by old research/thinking, and that's why I wrote Beyond Behaviors. We can't shift a paradigm until we define what it is, many people don't know that there's a new way to view children, a way that's not taught in traditional university settings. The "old paradigm" rests on research conducted decades ago, with a certain focus. (Simple cause/effect). Newer models that consider the complexity of human development, attempt to hold that complexity. Sharing this often felt like swimming upstream, but the relational joy we discovered behind the labels was the proof I needed to talk about the need for a shift across systems of education, mental health, and medicine.

Co-regulation description we all benefit from! Thank you, Em NeuroWild !

A wonderful resource!

We hear this a lot, providers say that a child is "a complex case" or "a complex kiddo"... And then, when treatment doesn't help, the child or parents are the logical cause. But bipolar disorder and 'FOH' are known diagnoses with known effective treatments. It isn't that difficult to diagnose and treat when you understand the symptoms and presentation and how they differ from other diagnoses that seem similar. If you're struggling to get a handle on your child's diagnosis and treatment let us help. Our diagnostic consultation will help you make sense of the complexity of mental illness. Make an appointment for a free consultation today: https://cmhrc.org/diagnostic-consultation/

This is the kind of generational wealth that keeps on giving what matters most - full flourishing health❣️

It feels good even just saying it. You deserve palliative parenting.

“It’s such a relief to finally shed the expectations of others and be the parent my child needs instead of the parent everyone else wants me to be.” Developed by CMHRC mental health professionals, our Palliative Parenting class focuses on improving quality of life for ourselves and our children, both in the moment and for the future. We know how challenging it can be to parent a child or teen with mental health challenges. Each week CMHRC instructors provide educational material, facilitate discussion, and review strategies and techniques that can be applied immediately. Learn more at https://cmhrc.org/pp-class/

Translations for “I’M BORED!”

This made me reflect on my own childhood…and on the fact that I haven’t said, or even thought, “I’m bored,” in a long, long time. I don’t know the last time that I thought it.

That’s not because I’m never acting, well, bored. It’s just because I have much more advanced vocabulary to describe what’s going on inside of my head these days.

“I’m so completely out of resources for the day. I wish that I could engage in my favorite hobby but I’m feeling too worn out to even summon up the brainpower it would take to do that. I’ll try lying here and reading a book on my phone for a few minutes…nope, I can’t even focus on a book. I’ll read some fun, lighthearted stuff on a social media website instead.”

“I’m so stressed about this meeting that I showed up fifteen minutes early for. I’m finding it hard to even get out of the car and walk into the building until the last second. I’m going to open my self-care app Finch on my phone and follow the deep breathing exercise…okay, now I’m going to do one minute of stretches…okay, now my body is already moving so I can follow my momentum and get out.”

“I wish I could hang out with my friend, but time zone differences mean that they’re not available right now. I’ll scroll through my phone and see if there’s anyone good I could text…nope, nobody who I feel like chatting with since my preferred person is unavailable…all right, I guess I’ll turn on a favorite podcast and listen to people chatter and laugh. Hmm, it feels too tricky to even start the podcast. Okay, well, I can listen to my music playlist. If I notice myself getting bored of the music, maybe I can open my phone to pause it and switch to the podcast in the future.”

These are in-depth, complicated, reflective observations of what’s going on inside my head, running through a list of available strategies that I know and have worked in the past, and even then I’m still trial-and-erroring exactly what it is that I need. No wonder my child has a much more limited repertoire of how to help themselves and comes to me to express their need for help. They still need me to help be their external support framework for a lot of these more complex interpretations and solutions.

[Image description:
A dark blue square field with white text on it that reads,
“I’m Bored! Could actually mean…
My anxiety is high and I need something to block it out.
I’m too overwhelmed to focus on a task.
I’m in need of some sensory input in order to function.
I’m too low on energy/dopamine to initiate an activity/task.
I’m feeling disconnected and need you.
My head is too busy and I need help making it stop.
I’m not sure what I am feeling but I’m hoping by saying ‘I’m bored’ you can help me.”
The image was made by www.jodieclarke.co.uk.
Jodie Clarke, Children's Well-being Practitioner & Autism Specialist
https://www.facebook.com/JodieSmittenWiltshire/photos/a.608354219498404/1577113782622438?type=3]

This article soothes as it informs. We don’t have to reinvent the wheel. 

A Journey of Hope and Healing Through Neuroscience I have been a fan of Dr. Lori Desautels on Social Media for some time. I even had a chance to interact with her as part of the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint's Book Study for her book, "Intentional Neuroplasticity: Moving Our Nervous Systems and Educational System Toward Post-Traumatic Gro...

It's July 4th! HAPPY IN(TER)DEPENDENCE DAY,
to Parents, Teachers, and Childcare Providers Everywhere!
Create Happy Healthy INTERDEPENDENCE all year long for your family WHEN you know the secrets and have the roadmap and tools for ***Setting and Holding Boundaries that Work, ***Without Rage, Retreat, or Regret, ***With Loving Presence, ***Even With Kiddos Who Are Intense and Neurodiverse! Sound good? Then this is for you! Go to equip.stollerparentcoaching.org/boundaries and use the coupon code SPECIAL5

Is Your Family INdependent, DEpendent, or INTERdependent ? Why you need to know and what to do about it     The Family-Wellbeing™ Coach Helping you create the family life you love! Dear Sheryl, It's July 4th, USA's Independence Day. Becoming independent from

Rest is a biological necessity. It is not the same as sleep.

In a culture obsessed with busy, rest becomes protest. What are the judgments and stories you attach to rest?
✅ Rest = I’m weak
✅ Rest = I’m depressed
✅ Rest = I’m gonna lose/fall behind/fail
✅ Rest = I’m selfish

What might be different if you gifted yourself permission to rest? What might be different if you trusted that resting might help you return stronger, clearer, and more creative?

Make space for rest and feel entitled to it because you’re going to tag out one way or another. If you don’t declare your entitlement to rest, you’ll end up tagging out with mindless scrolling, alcohol, or flat out exhaustion and burn out. Intentional rest is about being proactive so that you get to savor the rest.

I don’t know who created this list... I tried to search but couldn’t figure it out. But what I love is the focus on purposefully cutting the energetic cords to other people for a hot minute. Those of us who spend a lot of time in a caregiving role can end up feel guilty AF when we feel depleted and need to restore. Mamas of the world, I’m talking to you right now!

Caregiving with crusty, ornery, burned out energy does nobody any favors. Cut yourself some slack, for everyone’s sake. Trade in your “perfect mother” story for a “good enough” mother story.

Whether you’re a mama or not, take a look at this list. Notice your reactions:
• Which types of rest do you lean towards?
• Which types of rest are you craving more of?
• How might you bring more of that type of rest into your week?

Is Family Harmony Possible?
How deeply do you long for a baseline of harmony in your heart and home?

Setting and holding boundaries often creates such noise that it drowns out any possibility of harmony.

To address this, I've created a "Masterclass on Setting and Holding Boundaries That Work" that is simultaneously robust and not overwhelming.

It helps insure that you and your parent-partner are
-aligned,
-committed, and
-well equipped
to set and hold boundaries well,
cultivating that baseline of harmony you seek.

It includes the roadmap, guiding principles, and scripts - the tools - we need to reach our children where they are and infuse them with love and security with our boundaries.

It also

- relieves us of our guilt and fear of failure,

- aligns parent-partners on a deeper expanded foundation that embraces the experiences, perspectives, and personalities of both parents (represented in the image below),
and

- grows the parenting confidence our whole family needs us to have.

I am offering this Masterclass with a discount for a limited time. Use the coupon SPECIAL5 when you register here: equip.stollerparentcoaching.org/boundaries

Looking forward to equipping you for loving, wise, and successful boundary-setting and boundary-holding that cultivates a reliable baseline of harmony in your heart and home.

Wishing you and your family well!

Image: 3-D heart composed of different shapes - two circles and a square, coming together to form a heart. It represents parent-partners' unique shapes coming together to create loving boundaries that work for both of them.

#

This concept is the key for your child’s well-being. Seeing and reading it, hearing it, understanding it, accepting it, believing it, and living it are all part of the process of creating the well-being for yourself and your children that you desire.
If you know that you do more, better, faster by enlisting an expert guide with a reliable map, tool set, and proven training success, and that you are committed and determined to get this concept into every cell of your being so it drives your mind, heart, and actions, feel free to hop on complimentary call with me. Scheduling link in comments

Graphic credit: Parenting in Process

Have fun practicing this GREAT script!!

TikTok · Dr. Becky | Psychologist 18.3K likes, 349 comments. “Deeply Feeling Kids tend to have huge reactions and massive emotional explosions over sometimes seemingly small things. It’s no wonder so many DFK parents (myself included!) feel triggered more often. Looking for more strategies and support? My LIVE DFK workshop is co...

It’s understandable if one of your responses to this is that this is nice in theory, but it’s really hard in the specific circumstances you’re going through.
Would love to hear which of your situations might be particularly challenging, so together we can find solutions & or work-arounds. I welcome reading and or hearing your dilemmas either in the comments below or we could hop on a call.

Ever heard the phrase “name it to tame it”? Dr. Robin McEvoy names this
“Inertia Summers” and offers ‘solutions’ to “tame”

The Inertia Summers

Kids get 13 summer breaks from school, maybe a few more depending on how they manage college and work demands. But for 13 summers, most kids have a standard 10-week break.
For those of us working parents, this has to be planned for. If you can’t take the summer off with your kids, then they need “coverage.”

So, the months of spring, the last months of each school year, we working parents are thinking about summer camps, sleep over camps (once they are old enough), vacation time off, and the beloved grandparents if we have them. How are we filling those 10 weeks so our kids have a fun summer and we can work as we have to?

Around age 12-13, our kids want a lot more say in the plans. The summer camp programs – art camp, sports camps, Harry Potter camp, Lego Engineering camp – they were fun, but your young teen says, “Enough.” They have a plan of their own. And the plan is to do nothing. They are old enough to not need childcare. They can take care of themselves.

And you agree. They do not need childcare, but . . . . What are they going to do for 10 weeks?

And here comes the Inertia Summers.

They do essentially nothing for 10 weeks.

I remember when my daughter was entering 8th grade. It was the first day of school and I was milling around with other mothers I knew. Most were rolling their eyes in frustration, “We cannot have another summer like this one! She did nothing, but lie on her bed reading or scrolling. She rarely left the house.” Another would chime in, “Mine had one friend over. They sat in the basement and binge watched Netflix all summer. Never again.”

The Inertia Summers are when your child is too old for childcare camps and too young to work.

There are only two of these summers, maybe three. Your child is now a young teen and wants to be treated as someone older. At the least, they do not want to be treated like “a child.” And the summer camp programs can be expensive. Those month-long sleep over camps can feel very outside the budget if you have multiple kids. So, you kind of agree with your young teen. Let them self-manage for the summer.

However, while your child is reveling in doing nothing, it is giving you a panicky feeling. You actually trust this kid to stay out of trouble, but doing nothing . . . . all summer. For busy parents who are working hard, parenting the best they can, and juggling the other responsibilities of life, doing nothing worries us.

The kids are thrilled though. It’s a first taste of big-time autonomy and self-direction. They typically do not know what to do with it, but they love it. So, they sit around all summer, staring at screens, incapable of cooking anything more complex than opening a bag of chips.

There are about two summer like this. The first one worries you. The second one frustrate you. But it’s only two summers. Then they are old enough for summer jobs. They often want the jobs simply because they want stuff that they saw while scrolling.

I remember the Inertia Summers. I did think to enter them with a little more structure. I told my daughter that she could have 5 weeks of “doing some nothing” and 5 weeks of scheduled activities of her choosing. She was really into art (she works in digital design now), so summer art programs usually won the day. Of her 5 open weeks, I usually took at least two weeks off for vacation. That left only three weeks of doing nothing. And that was enough. She was a project-oriented person, so worked on her origami business and other visions. I had her illustrate a children’s book for me one summer, her first big illustration project. I am sure she spent too much time on social media. She hung out with a friend or two as available, but no one can drive at this age, so getting around is an issue. I tried to keep a shorter work day which let us share some glorious summer nothing moments (but reveling in doing nothing is not the same when your mom is there).

So, for parents of young adolescents, be aware of the Inertia Summers. Those two summers (glorious for your young teen) where they don’t do much and they revel in it. Instead of getting frustrated, get nostalgic. Those glorious few days (in a long lifetime) where one can fill their days with nothing.

Adjunct to my most recent TikTok post