Erika Jean 17

Nephi 8

I had an epiphany this morning. Reading about the vision Lehi had for maybe the 30 thousandth time. I saw the vision in a new light.

Growing up, I was taught and I embraced this version of the Tree of Life in Lehi’s vision.
The fruit of the tree is God’s love. The iron rod is the gospel. The great and spacious building is the pride of the world and the people in the building are the rich and “disinterested” in Christ and His gospel. The mist of darkness is temptation and sin. We’re all familiar with the vision and the symbolism.

This morning, it took on a whole new meaning.

I don’t think the “bad” in the vision is as foreign to me as I was taught.

I had an experience a month or so ago where I was again reminded that the Lord is truly in the details of my life. This brought great peace and comfort. And then, as I saw my circumstances NOT changing, I very shamefully started thinking, “Heavenly Father, I know that you are in the details of my life, but so what? I need more. I need to SEE things change! I need to see what I’ve been praying for and aching for actually happen. Not just knowledge that You are aware of me and my circumstance. I need some action!”

As I read the Chapter 8 this morning, I began to wonder this:

What if the fruit is the Lord’s tender mercies. It’s knowledge that He is aware, it’s knowledge of His involvement in our lives.

What if the mist of darkness is despair. Depression. Anxiety. What if, upon eating the fruit, it’s not shame we feel as described in the scripture but rather, disappointment. Discouragement. What if the rod of iron symbolizes hope and letting go of the rod of iron, is letting go of hope.

As I experience life, I can absolutely sympathize with the feeling of “letting go of hope.” Sometimes, you think you need to let go even in the name of self preservation. Dashed dreams, unfulfilled expectations, unanswered prayers. Suddenly I don’t see those in Lehi’s dream as “stupid asses, why are you letting go of the Gospel?” I can absolutely understand the power of hope and the emotional abyss one feels when “letting go of hope” becomes an absolute option. And suddenly the people in the vision don’t seem as pathetic as I once viewed them.

Seeing this vision in this new “symbolic” light, was actually quite enlightening for me.

First of all, it gave me so much more sympathy for those who “wandered off” or “let go” of the iron rod. I even felt more sympathy for the people in the great and spacious building who were mocking those eating the fruit.

Secondly, I felt inspired by those who “pressed on” and “caught hold”. All of a sudden I realized that holding on to hope is a verb. A full blown ACTION verb (I mean, all verbs are action but you get the meaning.) I learned, while reading this morning, that holding on to hope requires action. Great action. At times, we have to “catch hold” of hope. And we have to “press on” as we make our way through dark times, through confusing times. Disappointing times.

It was a very humbling experience reading chapter 8 this morning. My whole life I saw people in the dream as “dumb” or “not elect.” This morning, I truly saw myself in each person in the story. The one eating from the tree. The one calling others to join me. The one in the great and spacious building pointing my finger and mocking. I saw myself in the person letting go of the iron rod, letting go of hope. The person disappointed in the fruit. I genuinely saw myself in every single person in the dream, when I changed up the symbolism.

And what I learned, when I changed the symbolism up, was I’m not alone.

Isolation is satan’s tool that screws me over every time. Isolate an elephant in the wild and a pack of dogs can take it down. The thing about Lehi’s vision is this. There were lots of people in all places of the vision. At the tree, in the mist, walking along the iron rod, in the great and spacious building.

No one was alone.

And I refuse to believe that where we presently stand, is permanent. I refuse to believe that those enjoying and loving the fruit are permanently there. That those in the grand and spacious building are permanently mocking. That those wandering in the “dark and dreary waste” are permanently wandering. I mean, at the beginning of the vision, Lehi was wandering himself! I do believe that in every state of life we are in, it can and will change.

The key is grace. That’s what I think. Give grace. To yourself, to your kids, to your family and friends. People you can’t stand, people you absolutely love. Space for grace.

It’s a lesson I need to learn. Because I am a work in progress.

Love, share, invite

Last week we had ward conference for church. The theme was gonna be on missionary work. I should have packed my barf bag. It was the most nauseating 2 hours. Very plastic, very surface. Nothing deep. Just words, neatly packaged and delivered with cute bows and glitter.

I’m battling so much with questions vs experiences vs perspective. I need deep, real life, honest and open talk. I need to link my vulnerability with that of others. Real life experiences vs what I’ve been getting at church … it’s like … being handed a nail file when I need a chain saw to deal with the things I’m dealing with.

And the topic was on bringing non members into the Lord’s fold via first loving them, then sharing about the gospel and then inviting them to whatever activities are available.

A clip was shown of a “perfect example” of a family who implemented “love, share, invite” and touched the life of the maintenance man. He’d come around weekly to work on the house and eventually, through loving him and accepting him completely, he became very interested in the church.

The clip made me super uncomfortable. I saw a family with very young children opening their arms to this single guy. In my mind, because of past experiences as a child, I thought, “well, that’s a pedophile's greatest dream! Being loved on by a bunch of little kids!” and seeing as how the guy was always around and the mom appeared to be a stay home mom, I thought “aaannnddd there’s an affair waiting to happen.”

I know that sounds negative but dude, I trust nobody and it’s always sexual, gimme a break.

I shared my concerns with someone and his response was, “it was approved by the prophet and I didn’t get those feelings from watching that clip.” Done.

What I found most interesting was the lack of “love, share, and invite” from this person. And what I found most frustrating was my own experience with how I’ve applied the whole “love share invite” in my own life.

We’re counseled to treat others with love. I wouldn’t treat others any other way, especially the kids that come into my home and the adult friendships I hold dear to my heart.

The problem with loving others is, disappointment, heartbreak, feeling let down are hugely amplified. So many have walked into my home and into my heart and for the most part, I’ve been let down in one way or another. I’m not concentrating on the negative here, it’s the reality of what I’ve been hit with, what my family’s been hit with, by friends who have truly been loved by me and my family.

So when I watch a clip of a family who I feel is being almost reckless with their “love, share, invite” but seeing great success, I can’t help but think, “that’s the plastic, surface, wrapped up in a bow type of bu****it I find not helpful”.

I crave honest talk. Vulnerable talk. I crave sharing burdens and shouldering responsibility and hardship with others. I crave deep gospel application. This week has been the hardest week of my life next to almost losing Gideon and last Sunday’s lesson did nothing but remind me of how much I wish church was more than it has been.

Life is definitely full of ups and downs, twists and turns. I know you find what you look for, so my hope and prayer is that I find what I’m looking for!

Track season 2022. Angela’s last season before she graduates HS and the last time Ange and Jess would compete together, ever. They’ve been competing together ever since Jess was 4 and Ange was 6. Lot’s of “last time’s” this year.

Here’s how the season went:

At the end of basketball I had a frank talk with Ange. I told her she should really try the 400. She either won or finished in the top 3 during cross country in middle school, yet qualified for state last year in the open 200. Great distant runner plus a great sprinter. To me that equals the 400 or the 800. Yet the girl ran the 100 and 200 all through HS.

I also said, “you need to get used to doing uncomfortable things. You need to get OK with putting yourself out there. You need to be fine with pushing yourself really hard.” Adulting can suck sometimes ~ hell, it sucks most of the time. You just gotta adjust your attitude and outlook. And in my opinion, the 400 and the 800 are the toughest events in track. After anything hurdle that is. LOL!

So after a few really long talks and doing my darndest to open her eyes to my way of thinking, Ange decided, “Ima stick with the 100 and 200 but thanks Mom…”

Stab me in the ear with a jackhammer.

The track season started and everything looked great.

Until around week 3 into the season.

Jess, who does run the 400 and does amazing at it, had a pain in her leg that, although wasn’t bad, progressively got worse. Finally I pulled her mid meet and told her she was done running for the time being. Better to treat a problem than fix an injury in my opinion.

Lets fast forward to districts. Jess got the green light to compete in the SMR with Ange. It was cool of course cuz Jess would hand off to Ange (both ran the 100 leg of the SMR) I love when they run together. But the team didn’t qualify for state and Jess was devastated. She felt like she left Angela down.

And this is where you see God’s hand in things.

Jess typically runs the 4x400. Because she was out most of the season, another athlete took her place. Right before districts another runner on the 4x400 team got injured. So coach asked Angela to give the 4x400 a try. Because Ange wouldn’t qualify for state in either of her open events (open 100 and open 200) Ange said, “sure! I’ll try it!”

Ange ended up being one of the fastest on her new 4x400 team! And the team qualified for state!!!

Upon qualifying, Coach turned to Jessika and said, “even though you were injured most of the season, you still gave 100% of what you could give, so you’re coming as an alternate on your 4x400 team.”
It was true. Jess, even injured, never missed a day of practice and did everything she could on the track or in the weight room to stay in shape and still feel an active part of the team.

And Jessika’s true character showed after her 4x400 team crossed the finish line first. The first person she ran to hug was her big sister Angela and the smile on her face beamed pride and joy for what Angela accomplished as a new 400 runner. I was so proud of Ange pushing herself to do something “uncomfortable”, but so incredibly touched by Jessika’s grace.

Districts 2022 was probably the greatest weekend of my life.

And then a little tender mercy stepped in.

The day before state, Ange got super sick. We took a covid test which came back negative, but whatever it was she had, it kicked Angela’s butt.

The night before the bus was to leave for state, Ange was an emotional wreck. Her senior year and not going to state afterall. Jess would no longer be going as an alternate but instead, in her sister’s spoto n the 4x400 team.

The next morning I took Jess to the bus, sans Angela. It was surreal to be honest.

Shortly after the bus left, Matt and the kids left to cheer Jess and the rest of the Moscow Bears track team in Boise.

When it was just Ange and me, I asked how she was feeling after her emotional night. She said, “last night it really sucked, but this is how I see it. I had my moment qualifying for state. After Jessika’s crappy season, I’m glad she gets her moment competing in Boise.”

I have to say, that weekend for me was like Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother reached down from Heaven to hug me.

Parenting can be so hard. Mostly I feel like a complete failure and or walking disaster. Not looking for sympathy pats. It’s the truth. But that weekend, when I saw how much those 2 girls looked out for each other, sacrificed for each other, cheered for each other … it was a weekend I totally needed.

This whole experience taught me a huge lesson. For Ange, for Jess, for me. God is in the details of the details. Just yesterday (which is why I’m writing this cuz it reminded me of the season) Ange said, “I wish I listened to you and ran the 400 through high school! I could’ve been a good 400 runner!”
It reminded me of the power of 2nd chances, the importance of “when you get knocked down, get your ass back up again and see what happens!”. I was reminded to not take myself too seriously and give things a try. I was reminded of the power of humility. I was reminded of the reality of miracles. And most importantly, I was reminded that God’s hand is in our lives, that Heavenly Mother’s loving embrace exists.

Last year Jessika’s 4x400 team qualified for state and placed 6th in Boise.
This year?
3rd.

When things look bleak, when adulting has you in the dumps, When you’re “injured the better part of your season” or “don’t qualify in your events” or feel like a loser mom, keep moving forward. God will show you He’s aware of you.

Have you ever been hit with inspiration, I’m talking, the bolt of lightning type of experience, and it turns out wrong? I’ve been hit with this type of inspiration before and it’s usually right … but what about when it’s wrong?

I had an experience a while back. Bolt of lightning prompting. But today, I can say it was wrong. It’s not the details of this that I wanted to explore. But rather, why does this happen? Better yet, what does one do as a result?

I can’t help but think of Captain Moroni. Amazing guy. He writes an accusatory letter to Pahoran, the governor of his land. I’m sure he felt guided by the spirit. I mean, Captain Moroni totally dedicated his life to serving the Lord in a very action-oriented way. Captain Moroni was even described as being so amazing that if every person was like him, hell would have no power! Pretty amazing compliment I’d say.

And he made a huge boo-boo, after an inspired decision.

On the flip side, there’s the counsel in the Book of Mormon, given to Nephi’s brothers, “why do you doubt after the amazing witness you were given?”

I’m comforted revisiting the Captain Moroni experience. He wrongly accused the governor of turning his back on him (basically). That wasn’t the case at all, the governor had simply lost all control of his land. But because of the accusation, Captain Moroni and Pahoran worked things out and together, they solved the war induced problem.

I think that sometimes, inspiration is there to oil my engines. Sometimes I’ll feel something and because of that feeling, move forward. I’ll open my heart to someone. I’ll educate myself. I’ll explore.

I wonder what friendship came to Captain Moroni and Pahoran as a result of the accusation? I wonder how that friendship blessed them both as they navigated their war torn environment and lifestyle?

It weirded me out at first when I had that spiritual prompting and then realize it was wrong, but because of it, I feel like I’m a bit wiser at the same time, it humbled me. I learned some valuable lessons and I was actually reminded that I needed to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. It was an interesting experience.

There’s a subculture in my religion that I find immensely toxic, misleading and at a minimal, distracting.
I was introduced to a document titled, “The 4th Missionary.” It basically describes 4 types of missionaries. From the 1st being a pile of crap to the 4th type, the bomb diggity (my words, not the authors.)
When I was serving, 25 plus years ago, the message I was sharing was that, because of Christ, you can become a better person. You can be forgiven of your sins, you can turn your shortcomings into strengths. You can quit smoking. You can clean your life up. Because of the things I learned on my mission, I am constantly teaching my kids, “embrace who you are, keep your sense of humor, work hard, love who you are, and when you stumble, when you fall, when you tumble down the side of the mountain, get back up. Dust your knees off, clean out your scrapes, stitch up your wounds, and keep moving forward.” Christ died so I can repent and move onward and upward. He died so I can progress. And it’s an eternal progression.
So. Why this document? Written by a member of the 70? How did this ever make it to the printing stage? It seems, as per this document, there is no atonement for missionaries.

I just learned that so many members go inactive after their missions. Is this why? Have missionaries been taught that although they share messages regarding the atonement of Christ, it doesn't pertain to them?

To be honest, while reading this document I felt I was totally wasting my time (but I needed to read it to write this) and I wondered if Brother Lawrence E Corbridge was having a “Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, day!” when he wrote this. lol!!

The subculture that I find in my religion which is at the most toxic and at the very least, distracting, is that of labels. I feel that this entire read was one big, fat, ugly training on how to label yourself and even others.

I learned a few months ago that the church loses more of its youth after they have returned home from missions. I’m beginning to understand why. If this document is any insight as to what missionaries are being taught about THEMSELVES, no wonder they leave when they go home. Are the millions of boxes they need to check off overwhelming? Do they get brainwashed into thinking that the atonement doesn’t pertain to them? Because they TEACH about Christ, they cannot mess up? Does teaching about the atonement and encouraging people to change their lives turn them into hypocrites when they themselves need the atonement or when they themselves identify things they need to change in their lives?

Missionaries are counseled to not be “distracted.”

I found this document extremely distracting. A missionary can get so caught up with what “column” he needs to fit into that he’s totally forgotten the reason he’s out serving.

I wonder if documents, if stories, if letters need to stop being handed out to missionaries and if we should get back to simply giving the scriptures to them and telling missionaries to “strengthen your relationship with Heavenly Father, with Heavenly Mother, with Jesus Christ, and share what you’ve learned with others.”

Because it’s THIS knowledge that I have used my entire life to navigate my mortal travels. I know that God loves me, I know that Christ is aware of me, and I know that my Heavenly Mother is lovingly cheering me on. I know They exist and I know that one day I can and will return to Them. And I know I’ll hug Them and thank Them for being next to me when I brushed off my knees, for helping me to clean out my scrapes and helping me to stitch up my wounds when I fell. And for giving me hope and motivation to keep moving forward and becoming my better self.

Honesty time. OK, I'm always honest when I write, prolly too honest, but check this out. This AM I was struggling. Like, even feeling antsy. My mind was on conference weekend and my soul was reeling. I couldn't get my feelings and emotions in check and I was asking the Lord what I needed to do. Right then and there I got a notification on my phone that Mike Stroud had just put out his latest podcast.
If you know Mike Stroud, you know why this caught my attention. I wondered if this was an answer to my prayer regarding conference. So I started listening. And what did he say? He started his podcast saying, "of all the podcasts I've published, this is going to be the most important of them all."
My ears perked and I recognized this an answer to my prayer. About 5 minutes into his podcast, I couldn't take it anymore. I literally had the worst feeling listening to him. I honestly felt like he's totally missing the mark which is crazy coming from me because at one time, I LOVED his insights! So I stopped his podcast and started the first talk, the Saturday morning session, of conference.
President Nelson gave the first talk and it was on missionary work. The 2nd talk, by Elder Ballard, was also on missionary work.

I felt so touched by these talks. I heard the 2nd half of Ballard's talk on Saturday and hated it. But today, listening to it and to Prez Nelson's talk ... different experience.

I learned something new, a different lesson today than I heard on Saturday. It wasn't so much "you'll be blessed for serving a mission..." it was more, "you'll learn things as a missionary that you can take with you through life..." and total emphasis, in my heart, that there's MILLIONS of ways you can serve. That the purpose of serving a mission, serving others, is to bring to others the understanding that there's a Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Brother who loves us individually. This information is crucial during these intensely crazy times!

Here's something else I absolutely felt today. That I did not need to feel any "remorse" for not liking conference initially and for writing about it. The feeling I had was "your frustration led you to a better understanding of what I want you to know." That's how I felt this morning.

I was reminded, just a few hours ago, of the deep love that my Heavenly Family has for me. When we're told that this is the time to grow, to come to learn who Heavenly Father is, who Christ is, who my Heavenly Mother is, there's no parameters of how I learn this. Me, hating on a conference weekend, resulted in such a "tender mercy" experience for me this morning.

We are loved by Heavenly Parents. I was reminded of that today.

Guys. I hated conference this past weekend. I need to listen again to the talks. One of the talks, I actually put my fingers in my ears so I couldn't hear the talk.
I will listen again. One talk at a time.
Here's why, in a nutshell.

It seemed to me that serving a mission was the genre of the weekend. I served. I loved it. I think about my mission all the time. Here's what has initially frustrated me.
So much surrounds serving missions. Blessings, promises, etc. So what happens to the kid who, because of physical or mental health, can't go.
Also, missions are extremely hard. Like, mentally hard. Not just "I had no baptisms ..." or "all my appointments fell through this week..."
Sometimes, you literally can't stomach your companion. And you're with them 24/7 and for MONTHS. Sometimes you're exposed to things that will trigger you for the rest of your life. Sometimes your mission president isn't actually really healthy for you. You may go days, weeks, months thinking you're wasting your time.
My frustration is this. It seemed to me that only the rosey side of things was presented this weekend.
Over and over we're reminded that life is a test, it's trial after trial. so why the rosey mcPosey? What happens when you serve a mission and work hard and are super obedient ... then marry a psycho path? Or someone addicted to some destructive substance? What happens when you teach your children every day about God, but then they choose to be atheist? What if every night you have scripture and prayer but your kids go inactive when they leave home?

I actually LOVED the talk by ... can't remember his name, but he said how his dentist was a stumbling block for him ... I loved the reality of his talk. He had to get a new dentist and his girlfriend married his best friend. I loved that not everything ended in a miracle for him INITIALLY. It made the "after the trial of your faith comes the blessings" lesson more understandable for me.
I'm just blabbing here. I know it. I'm gonna listen to the talks over the next month and see if I get more out of conference than I did.
I like straight shooters. I was speaking to a good friend today. We were getting ready to play basketball. She had gotten her nose hurt pretty bad while playing bball a few weeks ago. We were asking how she was doing. She said she's fine. Then she said, "if you can't handle an elbow to the nose, you shouldn't play basketball."
I loved that attitude. I loved that reality. Sure, basketball is fun. It's one of the funnest sports to play and watch in my opinion. But there's the nature of the beast, and if you can't handle all aspects of the sport, yeah, don't play.
I love straight shooting.
Like basketball, missions are great things. One of the best things I've ever done was serve a mission. But, can they be presented in a more realistic way?
If you play basketball, you might get your nose broken. You might lose a tooth or tear your ACL, but I'd still play. It's still a great sport.
If you serve a mission, you're gonna experience and make friendships that will see you through your entire life. But you may have days you feel like you need to just call it quits. You may meet people who will question your very convictions. But it's still worth it. It's still a wonderful experience!

Boy is 17. Girl is 17. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Parents say to boy, "since you both like each other, you have to go on a date with 2 other girls before you can go out with her again." Boy likes girl so boy quickly asks Amy out and then asks Beth out and then gets to finally go on the date he REALLY wants to go on.

I get why parents did this.

Here's my question. What if you were Amy or Beth. Better yet, what if Amy or Beth was your daughter?

If a boy asked me out, but I was really just a box to be checked so he could hang with the girl he really liked, hmmmm. What COULD that do to my self esteem? If a boy asked Ange or Jess out just so he could satisfy his parents rules, I'd be pretty angry.
Don't use my daughter like that, don't waste her time, don't toy with her emotions.

In Young Womens, the girls recite their theme which begins with, "I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly Parents with a divine nature and eternal destiny."

For some reason, the theme clashes with the counsel by some parents and leaders to "date lots, there's tons of fish in the sea." I understand doing this if you haven't met a girl you like. Gotta meet to find, right? But when specifically told to go out with 2 other girls ... are those 2 other girls being treated as if they are daughters of a Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother with divine attributes? Or are they just seen as a means to an end?

When these boys go off to college, how are other girls viewed? "Try all the flavors, see what you like?"

I am a parent who's kids tend to date, as in get attached to one person. This has come with some experiences that, in the moment, I wish they didn't have to wade through. But there has been substantial growth. Is it better to not be in a serious relationship while in high school? I think so. I think kids are too emotionally immature to handle the emotional consequences of getting really serious with just one person. But the reality is, humans crave relationship. Humans crave connection. And when there's attraction, there's going to be a desire to be together. Why not let that happen? Why not teach a teenager, while he's in the safety of his own home, how to navigate a relationship? Why not help him through the ups and downs of having a girlfriend? Why not meet the girl and make her feel like she's a part of the family? I mean, most likely the relationship will end. Most of them do. But there's a treasure trove of knowledge that a parent can help their child gain as they experience young love.

My oldest, I feel he is engaged to one of the greatest humans that has walked this earth. They met in 8th grade. They have basically grown up together. I didn't make him "date other girls" because I saw how much he liked her and her friendship. They didn't start to actually date until their junior year of high school but the love I felt towards her and towards them, why make them "date others so you don't get too attached or to make sure..."

A couple of my other kids have had "serious relationships" which have ended, but they have all learned so much about themselves because of those experiences. And to be quite honest, I think helping them navigate these relationships has actually brought me closer to my kids and helped them to see that they can talk to me about even uncomfortable things. Which is something I really want them to know when they leave home!

These are just a few of my thoughts. I'd really like to hear what your thoughts are on this matter...

Owen's writing stories. I think he's trying to figure out ways to earn money. Our oven broke so he can't make cookies to sell right now. He came up to me today asking how much an author can make. When I told him the spectrum, he crutched away (still on crutches) and began writing his book. LOL! I love his optimism!
Kids. So innocent. So full of optimism. Big goals. Conquerable futures.
Fly high and far lil man!! You got this!!

There's a saying: Never meet your hero
I hear it's because you will be sorely disappointed. That happened to me a few times. Maybe I need to stop having heroes.
One of those heroes was Will Smith. Amazing actor, husband, father (at least according to the tabloids...)
Yes, this post is about Smith slapping Chris Rock on stage for making fun of his wife who suffers from alopecia. Rock suggested she was G.I.Jane because of her bald head. Super super lame on Rock's part. I was embarrassed for him when I watched the clip. I mean, making fun of a person's medical condition? It's ... cheap.
So in response to the jab, Smith marched on stage, smacked Rock, walked off and then cussed him out, using the F bomb.
Seemed so middle school to me.
I'm not a big fan of Chris Rock. His comment to Jada Smith was actually not shocking. To me, it is why Rock isn't "my guy". Will Smith is my guy.
Or at least he was.
He missed such an amazing opportunity to nip bullying, to totally put Rock in his place. To point out that Rock's humor is cheap, harmful, yesterday. That making fun of someone's medical condition sheds so much light on the character of the person making said comment. He missed the best opportunity to be the greatest hero that our society needs.
Violence and f-bombing run amuck in today's society. It's everywhere. It seems the common coping skill among youth and adults. Even cities and countries.
Had Will Smith walked up to Chris Rock, taken the microphone, and spoken out on trashy humor, he'd have been the "hero without a cape" that our world needs.
Because he behaved like your everyday short tempered reactionary 12 year old, the hero image he had in my eyes vanished. I feel like watching that video, I met my hero. And I was totally disappointed.