SPAZ Movement

Priscilla opens up and talks openly and raw about her journey!!!!

So proud of her!!!!

The Unfiltered Narratives of Wild Women - Episode 16: Race Recap, Part 2 *Summary* *Tune in to hear an interview with Triple Lakes Race Director Priscilla Nobles. She shares her journey as an athlete, how she got into race directing, the challenges and joys of her job, and her personal struggles that have shaped her, as well as her ongoing challenges. It’s truly one yo...

TEAM SPAZ will be supporting the Greensboro Marathon November 18th by hosting a rest stop. Contact me if you are able to volunteer.

Thank You!

September event! We are signed up for the 9am start.

Next event

https://www.owlsroostrumble.com/

I'm doing the 4 miler.

Owls Roost Rumble The Owls Roost Rumble is on Saturday April 29, 2023. It includes the following events: Half Marathon, Half Marathon - Ruck, Half Marathon - Economy Package, 4 Mile Run/Walk, 4 Mile - Ruck, 4 Mile - Economy Package, Half Marathon - Virtual, and 4 Mile - Virtual.

Team SPAZ participated in the WTF trail 5 miler in Gibsonville today. Next up:

Northern Trails Marathon & Ten Miler The Northern Trails Marathon & Ten Miler is on Saturday March 11, 2023. It includes the following events: Marathon, Ten Miler, Marathon - Economy Package, Ten Miler - Economy Package, Marathon Ruck, 10 Mile Ruck, Virtual Marathon, and Virtual 10 Mile.

The Crossing 2022 Join us for this fun 1-mile event on Lake Gaston. Choose to either swim, float, paddle or walk this distance with us on August 13th.

Join Team SPAZ!

Refer Your Friends!

Invite your friends to join you at the Winter Wander. Have them sign up using your special referral link (https://runsignup.com/Race/CO/Aspen/WinterWander?raceRefCode=LtiZyp2t)

Winter Wander The Winter Wander is on Monday November 1, 2021 to Friday December 31, 2021.

I have, shockingly, been reading a lot of books and listening to an awesome podcast lately and it seems that a never ending topic is “finding happiness” or “how to be truly happy” or ways to define happiness and how it works, which is odd, because I don’t really think anyone can tell me how happiness feels and works in my life. With a horrific week of suicidal ideation, hiding in my safe places, and clinging to my tribe, I can still say that I have genuinely found happiness!

Yeah I know, you just said, “What in the actual f**k did she just say? None of that made any sense!” Well again, it depends on what your definition of happiness is. Ryan and I ask each other nearly every day what we can do to make each other happier, and except creating miracles and winning the lottery so I never have to leave my house or be around people again, I am the happiest I have ever been, and over the last year and a half, I’ve just kept learning what happiness means for me and how to adjust to make it happen no matter the things going on in my head. (That Brain Demon is uncontrollable. If I waited on him to make happiness, I’d be dead, so f**k you Brain Demon, I’m doing this s**t anyways!)

What is happiness for me? Good question! And I am glad you asked, but I am not sure how to answer that… so this probably won’t be a short story but bare with me, it will probably be worth it or at least give you some hope that even extremely broken people can find immense happiness even when their brain is trying to murder them. *Side note- What an amazing story this is that there is a secret murderer lingering in the background ready to strike at any moment. We are all just waiting on the plot twist!* Diving into happiness, despite mental illness, needs to be talked about! I always feel like my Brain Demon overrides the overwhelming happiness I have found. It makes my Ryan feel as if he can never do enough to make me feel better, when in all reality he makes me the happiest woman on the planet!

Happiness…. What is happiness? How do we find happiness? How does happiness effect us? Welp, I don’t know honestly. I feel that I have been searching for 25 years for happiness and one day I just set back and thought, holy f**k, this is happiness! This is what I have been searching for my whole life and I didn’t even know it! Happiness isn’t unicorns, rainbows, and the sky raining lemon drops (sorry for the disappointment), happiness is despite the overwhelming things that are trying to make you a miserable person, you see the joy in the things around you. You stay grateful and humble. You tell the people around you how much they mean to you and that you see and hear them through all the inside hurt you may feel. Happiness is knowing that you are loved immensely, even when your brain tells you that you are a burden, and some days you may be, but the love and happiness you bring to others makes that okay on those days!

*Another side note- I write you all this as I have had a horrific week. I have told my closest people that I want to commit su***de. Point blank. I won’t commit su***de, but the overwhelming urge to stop the hurt is there. You really do get tired of fighting, and when you feel you are doing all the right things and you are trying your very hardest and you still find yourself at the bottom of the darkest hole and the only light seems like stopping the darkness, the murderer of mental health shows its colors and entices you to forget all the ones around you and the love you have for them and think of yourself for a moment.*

So, what makes me happy you ask? Good question! Wow, you are full of those today! How do I find happiness, hmmmm, where to begin… I feel like I do that in a few different ways depending on the circumstance and where I am that day. I have a few things I find that make me happy every single day no matter the way I feel inside or how hard the Brain Demon is beating me down, they are as follows:

Hugs and Snuggles from Ryan
Cooking dinner for or with Ryan
COFFEE
Puppy snuggles, kisses, and naps
Being in my safe place (home)
Naps
Our Home
Did I say naps?
Mindful Movement of my body (Even though some days it is just breathing)
Sunshine
Bob Seger Radio on YouTube Music
Being in our garden
Flowers
Turtles
Laughing
Pictures
Mountains

No matter the day, the feelings, or the amount of weight on my shoulders, these things NEVER fail me! I find immense happiness in our everyday lives. For the first time in my life, there is stability. Stability is happiness for me. Intimacy of all forms is happy for me. Caring for someone who is thankful and appreciative is happy for me. Making people smile makes me happy. Having a home with the man I love that we are proud of makes me happy. Having a family makes me happy. I find happiness in the way I am loved and treated and cared for. I find happiness in the fact that I am a warrior and despite how hard the days are, with the right amount of snuggles, love, and naps, I can still conquer the world.

Do I want to die? Yes.
Do I want to continue to fight this battle? No.
Am I happy? Without a doubt!

Thank you to everyone who contributes to me being able to live everyday as myself, without judgment or prejudice. Honestly, the people who don’t understand that mental illness is a disease and requires a lot of coping mechanisms and medication, need a wake up call! Invisible diseases exist and just because my brave face is brave, doesn’t mean I necessarily want to be alive at the moment. Love me anyways….

Every time I go to write a post after a really, really bad day I usually get the disclaimer, "If you write about what happened then people know and it is not a secret." Thank you for the warning, but that is the point, I don't know why I was given this journey, but not sharing it would be a disservice to the ones around me also suffering.

First let me describe what I see in this picture....
What I see in this picture is exactly what I feel like every day. I feel like I am drowning, I am drowning in a raging river of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that make absolutely no sense to me and no matter how I try to sort them out, I can't get my head above water long enough to get a comfortable breath. Drowning is a common term that I use because "not being able to breathe because your brain is smothering your will to live" is not really relatable to most people.

I always say I just wish I was normal, well let’s break down what that means. When I see “normal people” they can go to work and make it through a whole day like nothing has ever phased them and with all the energy and life as if they had just gotten out of bed. As I am in my office doing my very best to even cross one thing off the task list because I used all my energy to even walk in the building today, and Heaven forbid I have to “people” as soon as I get there. When I see “normal people” I don’t see people who have to close their office door just to pretend they are invisible for a little while. I genuinely pray that people will think I am not there so I can just be alone. When I see “normal people” I don’t see people who feel like they were drained of all their blood and energy because they had to put on their brave face for all to see. When I see “normal people” I see people who freely leave their house and go about their day because they want to, not because they were forced to leave the space that makes them feel safe and protected from the world and themselves.

I unfairly depend on Ryan and my Mom. I know I burden them, and the guilt of that I will forever have. Ryan is my safe place, he makes me feel safe and comfortable and as “normal” as possible. My mom always taught me to be independent and to not need anyone but myself, so I have a lot of guilt now that I sometimes, a lot of times, NEED Ryan. I don’t feel like I should ever need anyone but God, but there are times that Ryan is the only thing that helps and I know that isn’t fair to him, and I know that is some unprecedented pressure that I wish I had never put on him or came to rely on him for. I know for other independent people or “normal people” that sounds extremely stupid and needy, and untreated Priscilla who is 10ft tall and bulletproof felt the same way, but as I grow and change and evolve in this illness, there are things I can fight and things I choose not to. I don’t want to rely on others, I want to be able to save myself, but I sometimes feel as if I have no choice, and that is defeating to someone who always wanted to be able to take life on by themself.

There normally is some kind of decline before I completely crash, sometimes I see it and sometimes I don’t. Yesterday before everything crumbled, I had someone ask me, “Are you okay? You look depressed.” Well I thought I was doing a good job pretending, but I guess sometimes the Brain Demon still wins and shows it’s head to everyone no matter how hard I try. I of course said, “I am just having a hard time communicating today, I’m okay.” At what point does lying no longer help? I know it makes me “weak” to accept defeat, but I am NOT in control of this brain. I know everyone in my tribe means the best when they ask this and they kind of have to, but yes, I take my medicine every night just like I am suppose to. Yes, I have done every coping mechanism in the book. Yes, I have tried to sleep and exercise and stand on my head and kiss toads and whatever else might help, but sometimes it just doesn’t.

The worst part of this for me is that I feel so unreliable. There are days that I do absolutely everything I can and I can’t stop the decline or pick myself up off the floor. I have days that I am at a complete loss of what to do to make myself feel better or even to continue my day. Yesterday I literally laid in a ball because I couldn’t move. Not because I didn’t want to move or feel like I needed to move I physically could not move. That feeling is the worst. My brain takes over all communication and no matter how hard I try, I can’t override the message. That is the ultimate loss of control and it feels like it is going to break me completely.

I dont really know what else to say this morning, other than, I know why su***de is a killer. I understand why su***de is the only choice left on the table. Su***de is the way mental illness takes you from this world. Su***de seems like the only way out most of the time. I feel like a burden on everyone around me, my colleagues, my sweetheart, my parents, our families, I feel like I am taking up a space in this world and in people’s lives that someone much better and whole could fill. How fair is it to ask Ryan to love someone so broken and disgusting? How is it fair to ask my family, our family, to love the black sheep that isn’t and never will be normal?

Hug the ones you love. Mental illness is the silent and invisible murderer.