Speak to Understand

On Mother's Day I wanted to repost - an exploration - an opportunity - to honor "our Mothers" by - taking the time to "wonder about them"...

Who is this person, both within and without, all the things that personify what it is to be "a Mother."

My Mother, my complicated, delicious, brilliant, profane and much-loved Mother, has passed. And in her passing I find I wish I had asked more questions about who she was outside of being my mother... what dreams did she dream... who was her first love... who broke her heart... what were her greatest achievements where her heart swelled with pride? What would she like to have done with her life if she hadn't been "a Mother"? What adventures might she have had?

I have some answers - but not enough...

So, on this Mother's Day, for those of you celebrating your Mother - I invite you to give her perhaps the greatest gift of all - "see her"... See her entire humanity and how being a Mother might be just a part - of who she was and who she is.

Happy Mother's Day... and to my Mom - "I am wondering about you - and the dreams you dreamed - and celebrating you in all your layers. Thank you for helping to make me the man I am today."

Women Continued: The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Ourselves And The Stories Other People Tell About Us: "Mothers" Expanding the Narrative

This is a continuation of our exploration of “The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Ourselves” and “the stories that other people tell us about us” that we take on and believe. Stories that seek to make us small and keep us small - and all the ways we are diverted from “Giving The Gifts That Only We Can Give In Only The Ways We Can Give Them.”

TRIGGER ALERT for my family of survivors. This video contains discussions of childhood abuse and neglect. If these are areas that are particularly sensitive for you right now, please practice self-care and save it for another day! The work will always be here. And so will your community of fellow survivors. Thank you for being part of my world!

When You Grow Up In A War Zone... You Learn The Tools of War TRIGGER ALERT for my family of survivors. This video contains discussions of childhood abuse and neglect. If these are areas that are particularly sensitive for you right now, please practice self-care and save it for another day! The work will always be here. And so will your community of fellow su...

https://open.substack.com/pub/joebolduc/p/to-my-love-as-we-listen-to-the-exquisite?r=cy4hu&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post

To My Love - As We Listen To The Exquisite Song of Existence. As I wrote this, in honor of my husband Jeff on his 70th birthday, and as the words found me, I was filled with gratitude, that in my writing, I was not alone. My words are never solely mine - they were handed down to me across time - through the experience of "life becoming aware of itself..." from...

Marianne Williamson and the AIDS crisis. The Power of the Stories We Tell. The Stories We Hear. The Stories We Repeat.

Marianne Williamson and the AIDS crisis. The Power of the Stories We Tell. The Stories We Hear. The Stories We Repeat.

A continuation of the conversation... A few people have questioned, as a man, my role in exploring "Women"... as a son, as a brother, as a friend - as a human - we all need to be curious about the experience of the women in our lives. As a therapist, some of my most rewarding work has been in helping women - reclaim their narratives. Best Joe Bolduc

Women Continued: The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Ourselves And The Stories Other People Tell About Us: "Mothers" Watch now (14 min) | Expanding the Narrative

“You can love someone - and still choose to say goodbye to them. You can miss a person every day, and still be glad that they are no longer in your life.” Tara Westover

Learning this incredibly difficult truth… set me, and so many of my clients, free from habitually toxic relationships.

After effort upon effort has been made to set it right - and your feelings are ignored - or - minimized or rejected - and most roads lead back to your pain - it is sometimes the only route left that will keep you intact..

And instead of living with hate, it allows you to release them with love... it is acknowledging that you love them - but you can no longer tolerate behaviours that are crushing your spirit. You can still love them - but - as Marianne Williamson says "I need to love you from across the room”.

And it is painful. And it is sad - of course it is. It is not done lightly or cavalierly or out of pettiness. It is done after every other possibility has been exhausted. After you have explained that their behaviour, the things they say, they things they do, are hurting you - and - you are met with - the same hurtful behaviours in response.

There are so many examples in my work where people have had to “love people - but let them go.” For some, it is literal - a person is no longer allowed in their lives - physically - emotionally. Those doors are closed. For others - it is more about intention - "I will no longer make myself vulnerable to you. I will distance myself emotionally from you - because to 'love you up close' only results in pain for me. I will limit your access to my emotional real estate."

I have had clients with loved ones deed deep in addiction - and they have had to let the person they love go. They do love them, of course they do, but the behaviours that go along with deep addiction will not only eventually kill the addict - but crush the spirits of the people who love them.

Clients who are being emotionally abused by spouses, parents, children, friends - loved ones who act out abusive behaviours related to personality disorders or mental health issues. The undermining, the gaslighting - the rage - the "I love you I hate you" cycles. The emotional vomit. You have made them aware of the effects of their words and actions - and that they need help - they know it - but they can't, or won't, do it differently. They refuse to seek help.

You do not get to this place easily. For most people, it is a last resort. After you have done the work - and asked for change - and too many encounters - still leave you dispirited and depleted - depleted in your soul - and it becomes a choice between your sanity and theirs.

And it is the “LOVE” part that makes the difference.

Acknowledging that you love them - that you will miss them - or parts of them - the memories of good times - and still know it was the right thing to do.

Love is the mechanism that sets you free.

It frees us from needing to hate anyone for their behaviours - while still taking care of ourselves. As Martin Luther King Jr. said - "hate is too great a burden to bear."

You can hold on to the hope of love - which always makes space for change - but also know - this person - in their current way of being - can no longer be in your life.

Mother, Daughter, Wife, Sister, Lover, Friend, Boss, Employee. Who Is Writing The Roles You Play?

Women: The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Ourselves - and The Stories We Allow Other People To Tell About Us - Can Imprison Us or Lift Us Up. Can Limit and Contain Us... or Expand and Elevate Us. Watch now (17 min) | Mother, Daughter, Wife, Sister, Lover, Friend. Who Is Writing The Roles You Play?

My friends! Greetings from the miracle that is San Miguel de Allende Mexico. On every level it is one of the most magical places I have ever been. For all the things we think we know about Mexico - from all the stories we have been told - there are exponentially more inspirational things about this country that are left out.

I wonder about that.

On a separate note, but in an interesting way, related, in terms of "Stories" - and what we are told - and what we believe about what we are told - I am including a post I did to my newly created Substack Account - ostensibly about Marianne Williamson - but really about so much more. It seems to have resonated with people in ways I could not have anticipated.

While the piece does have a political context, it is not, political per se.

It is about access, gender, power (personal and otherwise) and the "stories" that can lift us up - or seek to shame us and keep us small.

All of us.

I am not sure how many of you are familiar with her - or that I have had a kind of long standing - interaction - with her.

We are not friends - but we have been in each others orbit for 30 years. She wrote a book in 1992 called "A Return to Love" that was a huge success. Oprah Winfrey fell in love with it - and her - and it became a major cultural touchstone in self-help.

I actually met Marianne before the book - when she was doing lectures - deep into the AIDS crisis in New York.

When I look back on the milestones that changed my life and set me on the path I am on now - sitting weekly at her empowering lectures is one of them.

I also volunteered at her AIDS support organization Manhattan Center for Living. It is so hard to put into words what life was like at that time.... the hopelessness for gay men, the lack of medication, or research - or concern from our fellow citizens - the cruelty, the loneliness, the isolation.

Gay men were dying. And we had nowhere to go.

There was GMHC, ACT Up, the Manhattan Center for Living, and Marianne Williamson's lectures - where she tried to find a way to move you beyond disease and death. To remind you that you are not your circumstances or your diagnosis.

At the Manhattan Center for Living - they did what they could. They created a community where those who were sick - and those who were afraid of getting sick - could gather. Knowing that the probability was high - the sick would die. And people you met on Monday - might be gone by the next month.

I cut vegetables for the whole foods program, answered phones to schedule free Qigong or meditation classes. For those who had lost their jobs because they were too ill to continue, I offered to teach word processing, so that on the days they did feel good, they could get temporary work in law firms.

I met Marianne at that time - such an enormous burden for her to carry. To kindle inspiration - and comfort - and hope - and “stiffen your spine” political action. There was no blueprint - no path forward. She and everyone at the Manhattan Center for Living made it up as they went along - doing whatever they could to unsettle the "victim" narrative... to make a space for people to feel powerful, and less alone, under the most horrific circumstances.

Those years changed my life.

And then of course the book "A Return to Love", and Oprah, and the spotlight of celebrity, for good and for not - and - finally - the AIDS cocktail… arriving not so much as a miracle - but as the result of a bloody hard fought battle. A war waged by the LGBTQ+ community and it allies against a country whose politicians abandoned them.

Years go by - and Marianne decided to run for President. To say she was not welcomed by the Democratic Party establishment - and all those who want to undermine people's possibilities and vision would be an understatement. It takes a lot to surprise me - but I was surprised in 2020 - in the ways she was - ignored, dismissed, mocked and minimized. Her vision, plans and policies - as well thought out as anyone else’s - left mostly unexplored - lost in a narrative deliberately created to keep her out of the political conversation.

I agreed with some of her policies - and not others.

She made mistakes and misstatements, as we all do. As every President and Presidential candidate has done. She owned them.

But I always supported her right to run and my belief that she had gifts to offer our country.

Her intentions are exactly what she says they are.

And she is considering another one in 2024.

As soon as the possibility went public, the spinning of the narrative web started again with the usual vitriol reserved for women - but others too - the unanointed - who have ideas to share - and ask for a seat at the table - "grifter" "lightweight" - the dismissal - the attempts to make small so they won’t be heard.

For me, what happened in 2020 - and what I can see happening again - the way Marianne was framed - is what my clients experience in their daily lives - the disinherited of all stripes. Framed and contained by stories about themselves, told by other people, that never really fit - or if they did once - they no longer do.

We are constantly navigating "power structures" in our lives... Parents, spouses, children, our neighbors, our community... our country... Stories about us surround us - all of us - but we don't often look critically at who is telling the story and why - and does it lift us up - or limit us? How complicit are we in the stories meant to keep us small - how complicit are we in creating and perpetuating stories handed to us that do the same to others?

Because we share so much here - you and I - it would have felt - disingenuous of me not to share this as well.

If you read it, as you read it, think less about politics and more about, the power of stories - in our lives - and in our country.

Best

Joe Bolduc

MARIANNE WILLIAMSON, DEMOCRACY AND THE STORIES WE TELL AND WHY IT SHOULD MATTER TO YOU

Joe Bolduc on Instagram: "Reclaiming Valentine's Day and Celebrating Our Enduring Capacity to Give and Receive Love!" 0 Likes, 0 Comments - Joe Bolduc () on Instagram: "Reclaiming Valentine's Day and Celebrating Our Enduring Capacity to Give and Receive Love!"

Taking Control of Your Narrative: Who Will Define You?

The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Ourselves - and The Stories We Allow Other People To Tell About Us - Can Imprison Us or Lift Us Up. Can Limit and Contain Us... or Expand and Elevate Us. Choose Wisely: The "Shame" Story.

Chag Urim Sameach

Happy Hanukkah!

To my dear friends celebrating the holiday...

Ever since my first seder – at the home of Alex and Renata Weiss’ all those years ago – I was so impacted by the philosophic underpinnings of the holiday – so moved by ideas of slavery and liberation… I have looked to Jewish culture for wisdom and inspiration. I like to tell people I am “Jewish adjacent.” Your sharing your traditions with me, which you do with such pride, patience and care – has only served to make me a better person (and a better therapist).

And so it is with Hanukkah. I find myself meditating on the ideas of “dedication” (which I just learned is what Hanukkah means in Hebrew) and “light”, the light of course from the menorah at the Temple after the Maccabean Revolt, but light in a larger sense.

What it is to be the recipient of light…
And a source of light…
A creator of light…

Light in the aftermath of trauma.
Light in the aftermath of battle.

Miraculous light.

Light that casts out darkness…
Light where there should be no light…
Light that perseveres long after logic tells us it can sustain itself.

And I think of you, my Jewish friends. And all the ways – in word and deed and spirit – that you “shine a light” in this chaotic world…

With a history that is rich in joy – but also terrible sorrow – it is your light that remains… as a people… as individuals… as my dear dear friends.

Happy Hanukkah my loves! This year more than ever it feels important to stand with you.

Thank you for lighting the way.

Xo

Joe

Hello my friends... just letting people know that I am no longer posting Speak to Understand content on twitter. The increase in hate speech - and the acceptance and permission of hate speech - even for people posting "wellness content" - isn't good for the soul! I am on the hunt for a twitter replacement (Mastodon?) but in the meantime, I will continue to post things here and on Instagram (speaktounderstand).

Remember to be a guardian to your spirit... treat it with the reverence it deserves. You were born to give the gifts that only you can give - in only the way you can give them. When you can, avoid places - and people - that seek to make you small.

Cheers!
J

Buddhist Psychology is a blessing in my life. Please read the following from Jack Kornfield. It's dense - but rewarding - and can help us - feel - purposeful - in these turbulent times.

https://jackkornfield.com/dharma-politics/?mc_cid=0efa8eef10&mc_eid=8c806a792c&fbclid=IwAR2J05sAgnjRk7HPuOhewdT0VKI1EGPTNKyeIpriA4eO2EYnjPklCv2DqAo

Dharma & Politics - Jack Kornfield Dharma & Politics Many Buddhist practitioners have questioned what to do in these turbulent times. More than anything, I believe the world is in need of a spiritual perspective. The Dharma teachings of generosity, virtue, loving-kindness, and wisdom are non-partisan. The benefits of dharma teachings...

9/11. I will never forget that... under the witnessing eye of the bluest September sky - we met the ugliest of human impulses - and courage, grace and loving-kindness won.
-------
WE. ENDURE.

When dark times come… as dark times do…

And hatred…
And violence…
And fear…
Feel choking… and present… and personal…

We are tempted to believe that darkness is all there is…

But try to remember that from the beginning …
We have been faced with those who have lost their humanity…
And in so doing try to annihilate ours…

It is not possible.

From New York to Newtown.
Birkenau to Boston.
Across time…
Across cultures…
And across the globe…
Storms come…
And change the landscape for a time.
Storms come…
And try to make us believe that nothing exists but storm…

But we hold tight…
Together…

In our fear…
In our sorrow…
In our outrage…

We hold tight…
Together…

In our love…
In our courage…
And in our faith

We hold tight…
Together...

In our resolve

And the storm consumes itself.

The darkness fades.
The skies clear.
And we endure.
We.
Endure. (Joe Bolduc)

To all my fellow travelers - my friends - yearning for magic and miracles. In our striving - we forget sometimes to stop, take a deep breath, look around, and listen carefully - the thing we are searching for is right here. Your life is the magic and miracle you’re waiting for.

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” Frederick Buechner.

Father's Day can be difficult for many people. But if you dig deep - you may find you've been "Father'ed" in surprising ways - by a variety of people. "Happy Father's Day" to all the nurturers in our lives.

http://speaktounderstand.com/blog/fathers-day-finding-your-father-in-unexpected-places/?fbclid=IwAR2o-JR9l9Uvgz_Loj8j0CoA7u3mQc6UYsc-3nOtFrNeeCmGnuZXE6q2Vi8

Transforming the distractions of rage and despair in your Hero's Journey.

Transforming the distractions of rage and despair in your Hero's Journey. [email protected] @alchemyjoe on twitter FB: SpeaktoUnderstand

Our Hero's Journey Continued!

The Hero's Journey Continued! I am so grateful for - you - and your sharing your stories with me. You can reach me here of course - but also at [email protected], @alchemyjoe on Twitter and Speak to Understand on Facebook!

The Hero's Journey: Meeting This Moment

The Hero's Journey - Meeting the Moment.

I wanted to acknowledge the passing of Naomi Judd, who lost her battle with treatment resistant depression.

Her legacy isn't only in our sadness at her passing - it is a celebration at what she was able to accomplish while also battling this devastating disease.

It has been one of the honors of my life, humbling really, to have worked with, been educated by, and had clients in session, who struggle with debilitating mental health issues - and - refused to let that alone be the story of their lives.

So many people with mental health issues solider on - making incredible contributions to art, culture, education, science... and parenting... refusing the limitations of label and disease. People are so much more than their diseases - or their illnesses - or their mistakes - if we allow them to be. Let's do our part, for the people in our lives, to help them remember that.

We need to do a better job of reducing shame surrounding depression and other debilitating mental health issues - and support those who are fighting these heroic battles in fulfilling their promise...

They HAVE an illness - they are NOT an illness...

And while Ms. Judd succumbed to her battle, she and her daughter left a legacy of music to lift us all up as we face battles of our own.

If the pull of mental illness - depression and anxiety - is overwhelming you - please reach out to someone. Let someone help you - untangle the noise - and remind you of all you have left to accomplish.

If you know someone who is being pulled down by mental health issues, reach out to them... help them find the people who can help them untangle the noise and remind them of all they can be.

National Su***de Prevention Lifeline
800-273-8255
https://open.spotify.com/track/40XW3d74CGOrWPcNpJDeUi?si=3324e989a35747b1
https://youtu.be/3ek6-ryeHqQ

The Judds - Love Can Build A Bridge 432 Hz

PAIN. SHAME. AND THE PATH FORWARD (VIDEO BELOW).

I don't say this often enough - but if what I talk about here resonates for you - please know that the ideas that I share - the keys to the prisons of shame, trauma, pain, abuse and self-sabotage - these ideas come from a tribe of healers and philosophers throughout time.

As the cave drawings from early man attest, we have been trying to make sense of what it is to be human from our earliest days... to this very moment.

I take comfort in the wisdom gleaned from our ancestors - who struggled with many of the same things we think are uniquely are own. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone... and never was. I was rescued and parented and taught - and continue to be taught - by fellow travelers... healing from the same wounds... searching for the same sense of community and belonging... yearning for connection and purpose.

Howard Thurman, Jane Steger, Lao-Tse, Plotinus, William Blake, Homer, Stanley Kunitz, Zora Neale Hurston, Marianne Williamson, Paramahansa Yogananda, Buddha, Jesus, The Talmud, Billie Holiday, Henry James, Edith Wharton, Maya Angelou.. and on and on and on... And you... Always you.

Every time the path ahead was obscured... what saved me was reaching back, and reaching out... searching for and finding... the mentors I needed...that I need still -to continue on with my own hero's journey.

I share their wisdom - through the lens of my own experience - with you.

You have a family - a tribe - accessible to you - if you choose to find them. You are are not alone in your miraculous journey into meaning.

Thank you for sharing yours with me.

I AM. YOU ARE. WE ARE... MIGHTY

I don't say this often enough - but if what I talk about here resonates for you - please know that the ideas that I share - the keys to the prisons of shame, trauma, pain, abuse and self-sabotage - these ideas come from a tribe of healers and philosophers throughout time. As the cave drawings from early man attest, we have been trying to make sense of what it is to be human from our earliest days... to this very moment. I take comfort in the wisdom gleaned from our ancestors - who struggled with many of the same things we think are uniquely are own. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone... and never was. I was rescued and parented and taught - and continue to be taught - by fellow travelers... healing from the same wounds... searching for the same sense of community and belonging... yearning for connection and purpose. Howard Thurman, Jane Steger, Lao-Tse, Plotinus, William Blake, Homer, Stanley Kunitz, Zora Neale Hurston, Marianne Williamson, Paramahansa Yogananda, Buddha, Jesus, The Talmud, Billie Holiday, Henry James, Edith Wharton, Maya Angelou.. and on and on and on... And you... Always you. Every time the path ahead was obscured... what saved me was reaching back, and reaching out... searching for and finding... the mentors I needed...that I need still -to continue on with my own hero's journey. I share their wisdom - through the lens of my own experience - with you. You have a family - a tribe - accessible to you - if you choose to find them. You are are not alone in your miraculous journey into meaning. Thank you for sharing yours with me. I AM. YOU ARE. WE ARE... MIGHTY

Stories We Tell Ourselves About Ourselves: Scars, wounds and The Hero's Journey (Instagram)

Scars, wounds and the Hero's Journey (and yes my face is part of the story). I am so grateful for - you - and your sharing your stories with me. You can reach me here of course - but also at [email protected], @alchemyjoe on Twitter and Speak to Understand on Facebook!

Letting go of the old story - setting intentions for the new story.

Letting go of the old story - setting intentions for the new story.

You are not your mistakes...
You are not your shame...
You are not your rejection...

You are not "what they said about you."

You are not too dumb...
too lazy
too fat...
too q***r...
too angry...
too weak...
too unworthy...

too "other"

You are not disposable.

Even when others don't see it...

You remain sacred.
Try to remember that...

And if you can't see it right now - please know that I do.