Therapy with Abby

You are worthy of kindness - especially from yourself. ❤️

Productivity can be a dangerous drug ❤️

Feeling emotionally numb is the experience of feeling disconnected, empty and unable to identify your emotions.

But it isn’t about the *absence* of emotions.

At its core, emotional numbness is a coping mechanism.

It’s a way of shutting ourselves off from something painful or overwhelming, and is closely linked with the nervous system’s dorsal vagal ‘shutdown’ response.

‘Shutdown’ is the state we go into if we’ve been in fight-or-flight for too long, or if the threat of a stressful situation feels too big (we see this in animals who ‘play dead’ as a last ditch attempt at survival)

Quite often, feeling numb is temporary. However, for some, emotional numbness can be a default strategy and it can interfere with our ability to fully participate in life.

Regular emotional numbness can sometimes lead people to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol and drugs in an attempt to feel more ‘alive’

To overcome a feeling of numbness:
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
☀️ Get in Touch with Your Feelings:
It might feel scary at first to feel your feelings but emotions are like tunnels - you need to go all the way through them to get to the light at the end.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
🏃‍♂️ Move Your Body:
Even something as simple as a 10-minute walk can get you out of your head and back into your body
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
✍️ Start Journalling:
Writing is a great way to access and process any ‘stuck’ emotions
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
🗣 Talk it Out:
Being vulnerable isn’t always easy but opening up to someone you trust can help you process your feelings and move you into a more open, present and connected state

✨ SUNDAY SAVES ✨
 
Bits and bobs that brought me joy and inspiration this week
 
Slide 1. .allyislia reminding us to take one step at a time
Slide 2. The perfect blend of a book shop, coffee shop, and wine bar
Slide 3. Soaking up the sun before the clocks go back
Slide 4. I had a rare child-free, meeting-free morning on Wednesday, so I treated myself to a solo cinema date to see The Substance (loved it!)
Slide 5. Plotting my days with my new wellness planner from
Slide 6. This quote from resonated deeply 🥲
Slide 7. Play café of dreams .playcafe
Slide 8. A spooky morning at
Slide 9: Amazon Ai summarising my book reviews
Slide 10: Mum and dad went on a date to (a denim factory by day, restaurant by night)
Slide 10. Singing pumpkins

If you ever found yourself becoming the caregiver for your parents as a child, you might have experienced what experts call “parentification.”

Parentification often goes unnoticed, but its impact is profound. Imagine being a kid, yet shouldering adult responsibilities. It’s like being handed the reins of adulthood before you even understand what it means.

Parentification happens when a child is thrust into a role reversal with their parent. Instead of receiving care and support, they provide it – making decisions, offering emotional support, or even managing household tasks. It can stem from various reasons, like a parent’s struggles with addiction or mental health issues, or their absence.

Regardless of the cause, parentification leaves deep emotional scars. Picture a young girl comforting her mother through tears, hiding her own fears. Or a teenage boy managing household finances while his friends are out having fun.

It robs children of their childhood, forcing them to grow up too soon. And while they may develop independence, they also carry invisible wounds that take years to heal.

The heartbreaking truth is that parentification sets children up for challenges beyond their capabilities. They may internalise feelings of failure, leading to struggles with self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy. Many parentified children can grow up with higher levels of anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, eating disorders, addiction and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

But acknowledging parentification is the first step toward healing. By recognising its impact, we can begin to unravel the complex emotions it leaves behind. 💚

Clients often ask me, “What if I set a boundary and they say no?” or “There’s no point setting a boundary with them; they will just ignore it.”

However, it’s crucial to recognise that setting and upholding boundaries isn’t contingent on others’ acceptance or approval.

Boundaries shouldn’t focus solely on how the other person should or shouldn’t behave.

Healthy boundaries are the limits you set for YOURSELF to protect your wellbeing and your relationships. The focus of a boundary should be about you. 💚

We’re all still learning ❤️

As a therapist, I often work with clients who struggle to give themselves permission to rest and play.

Many grew up in homes where rest was seen as laziness, taking time off when ill was viewed as weak, or play was considered childish or a waste of time.

These unspoken beliefs can stay with us as adults, making us feel guilty or anxious when we’re not being productive.

When we grow up in environments like this, it’s easy to push ourselves too hard, thinking that rest has to be earned or that play is frivolous.

But this constant pressure to “do more” can lead to burnout, stress, and a lack of joy in our lives.

True generational wealth isn’t just about financial success; it’s about being raised in a home where rest and play are seen as important parts of life.

How do you feel about rest and play? Have you been giving yourself the space to enjoy them without guilt? It might be time to start.❤️

Healing is often thought of as something we do after difficult things have happened to us, but it’s equally about addressing the things we never received.

This could be love, support, validation, or even a sense of safety and belonging.

When those needs aren’t met, it can shape us in ways we don’t always see. The emptiness left behind can show up as insecurity, feeling unworthy, unlovable, or a sense that something’s missing, even as adults.

Healing from what we never received means acknowledging those unmet needs, grieving them, and learning how to meet them ourselves. While we can’t change the past, we can still take care of our needs in the present.

This process is about practicing self-love, acceptance, and surrounding ourselves with people who offer the support we once missed. ❤️

When we talk about nervous system regulation, it’s easy to overlook the importance of acknowledging our feelings.

Yet, when we take the time to validate our emotions, we play a crucial role in soothing our stress.

Validation means recognising and accepting our feelings without judgment. It’s about telling ourselves that it’s okay to feel what we’re feeling.

Self-validation might sound like:

❤️ ‘It’s OK to feel angry’

❤️’It’s understandable that I’m sad right now.’

❤️’It’s natural to feel anxious sometimes’

This simple act can have profound effects on our mental and physical well-being.

When we validate our emotions, we’re fostering self-compassion and creating a safe space within ourselves. Research actually shows that self-compassion lowers the production of stress hormones like cortisol and increases heart-rate variability, which is a measure of nervous system flexibility and resilience.

Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to acknowledge and validate your emotions. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. Notice the difference it makes in your body and your overall sense of calm and well-being. 💚

It’s World Mental Health Day on Thursday and this year’s theme is Workplace Mental Health.

Given how much time we spend at work, it’s such a crucial area to focus on.

This post may ruffle some feathers but I think it’s so important that we talk about what *actually* makes a difference in creating a healthier work environment.

These are just a few ways I think companies often miss the mark when it comes to employee mental health, and some ideas on what might work better.

But I’d love to hear from YOU.

What do you think employers can do to support mental health? I want to hear about your ideas and experiences in the comments so we can all lean in to this important conversation! ❤️

If we want to make lasting, meaningful changes it’s time to ditch the ‘no pain no gain’ mentality and start partnering with our nervous system. ❤️

It might seem like being agreeable and doing whatever makes others happy will earn you their respect and affection.

But the reality is that constantly putting others’ needs before your own can lead to relationships that feel shallow, unfulfilling, and anxiety-inducing.

People-pleasers excel at shape-shifting to fit in with others in an attempt to feel safe and avoid abandonment. However, this inauthentic behavior doesn’t foster deep friendships or a true sense of belonging; it actually leaves you feeling more isolated.

Ironically, when you become a social chameleon, adjusting your personality to gain approval, you end up distancing yourself from those around you.

Instead of creating genuine connections, this approach makes you feel unseen and unknown, because you’re never really showing your true selves to others.

Resilience isn’t about being immune to life’s challenges.

It’s about facing the tough moments, letting ourselves feel the discomfort, and then dusting ourselves off and giving it another shot.

No wonder you’re tired ❤️

Growing up in an environment where you weren’t allowed to express your individuality can deeply shape your relationship with conflict as an adult.

If sharing a different opinion led to punishment, emotional distance, or arguments, you may have learned to associate disagreement with danger.

Because of this, you might now avoid conflict altogether, even in situations where it’s important to stand up for yourself.

In some families, there’s a kind of unhealthy closeness between parents and children, where there’s no room for emotional independence. This is called enmeshment, and it happens when boundaries are blurred, and individuality isn’t encouraged.

Parents in enmeshed families often use “we” language to describe their relationship with their child.

You might hear phrases like, “We like this,” “We don’t believe in that,” or “We are this kind of family.” This makes it confusing for kids, as they start to feel like their opinions and emotions should always align with their parents.

Over time, they might believe that having their own thoughts or feelings is wrong or disloyal.

This kind of environment makes it hard for children to develop a sense of self, and as adults, it can lead to struggles with setting boundaries, handling conflict, and knowing how to assert their own needs without guilt.

Overcoming this fear requires unlearning past associations between conflict and danger. It involves recognising that disagreement doesn’t have to lead to hostility and that it’s possible to communicate differing opinions in a healthy, respectful way.

When you criticise yourself, you are both the attacker and the attacked. 💚

It’s not all bubble baths and green smoothies

✨ Discovering how nervous system regulation works can spark a profound ‘aha’ moment – one that reshapes how we understand our moods and thought patterns. It was a revelation that changed everything for me.

Before becoming a therapist, I spent years working in media, completely unaware of the role my nervous system played in my life. Looking back, I now realise I was navigating a *dysregulated* nervous system most of the time. 🥴

I often found myself in constant fight-or-flight mode, what I call my ‘I-must-do-everything-now’ mode.

🚨 Long hours, over-preparing, struggling to delegate, and feeling like everything was URGENT. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. Even after work, I couldn’t relax without a glass of wine.

Other times, I’d slip into a shutdown state, my ‘I-just-can’t’ mode.

🐌 I’d become quiet, miss opportunities, and avoid anything that required assertiveness. Even at home, I’d feel too tired and unmotivated to do anything. Self-criticism and comparison ruled.

For years, I mistook fight-or-flight for *energy* and shutdown for *laziness*, but it was all dysregulation. Like many of my clients—and possibly you—this wasn’t just from my job. It was decades of unprocessed stress catching up with me.

Once I learnt about the nervous system, everything changed. I began incorporating glimmers—the moments and resources that help regulate my nervous system—into my daily routine. ✨

Slowly, I found myself spending more time in a regulated state where I felt at ease, happy, and comfortable in my own skin.

Regulation became my new normal.

Your nervous system affects everything. Learn to regulate it, and watch how it transforms your life. 🌈

Accepting that things can be ‘both/and’ - instead of ‘either/or’ - can be liberating ❤️

I find it helpful to think of people-pleasing as an invisible shield that we carry around with us in the hope that it will protect us from being disliked or rejected.
✨
We unconsciously hope that if we move through life putting everyone’s needs ahead of our own, we will be safe and loved.
✨
The reality is that people-pleasing is a heavy piece of armour with some high costs:

👉 Burnout: Constantly trying to please others can exhaust you physically, emotionally, and mentally.

👉 Low Self-Esteem: When your worth is tied to others’ approval, it can undermine your self-esteem and lead to feelings of inadequacy.

👉 Lack of Boundaries: People-pleasers often have difficulty setting boundaries, which can result in being taken advantage of or feeling overwhelmed.

👉 Resentment: Over time, constantly prioritising others’ needs over your own can build up resentment and frustration.

👉 Difficulty Making Decisions: Constantly seeking approval can make it challenging to make decisions based on your own preferences and values.

Remember, people-pleasing might feel like it’s keeping you safe, but it comes with a heavy price. It’s okay to prioritise yourself, set boundaries, and make decisions that honour your needs. You deserve to live authentically and without the weight of constant approval-seeking.

Emotional triggers pull us into defensive survival states, while emotional glimmers nudge us towards regulation.

Recognising both is key to understand and nurturing our well-being.

As with all nervous system states, time spent in the dorsal vagal shutdown state can be fleeting, but when we find ourselves there, it can be a struggle to get out of bed or feel motivated. It’s like we have no energy to care.

When we’re in shutdown mode we can feel so heavy and stuck that even reaching for a glass of water when we’re thirsty or plugging in our phone when our battery is dying can feel like monumental challenges.

To come out of shutdown mode, we need to deliberately engage in regulating practices that are aimed towards *gently* mobilising and re-energising the body, like a warm bath or a mindful walk. Things like high intensity exercise or intense breathwork sessions are often too activating for someone in shutdown mode, and can overwhelm the system.

The process of coming out of shutdown mode can be very S L O W and the practices are very subtle, but be patient and compassionate with yourself - you will find your way back to regulation eventually 💚

f you’re a people-pleaser, I’m guessing that even the THOUGHT of saying these things makes you break out in a sweat!

It can be daunting to start setting boundaries, especially when you’ve spent a lifetime prioritising others over yourself.

To help you build confidence, here are some powerful mantras for setting boundaries:

✨ I refuse to make my decisions from guilt

✨ My emotions and needs are important too

✨ Boundaries are not a way to punish people, they are about preserving my well-being

✨ It’s ok if my boundaries disappoint people

✨ It’s normal and healthy to have boundaries in all my relationships

✨ Feeling guilty doesn’t mean I am guilty

✨ it’s not my job to make everyone happy

✨ Saying ‘yes’ when I want to say ‘no’ leads to resentment

I’d love to know which of these mantras stands out to you! Let me know in the comments 💚

Healthy boundaries are about the actions WE are going to take to protect our emotional well-being 💚