Full Circle Parenting

I talk about self-conscious parenting.

This is where we worry what people think about us, about our parenting and about our child.

We become hyper-tuned in to what others are thinking about us, even scanning their faces to see if we can pick up what they might be thinking.

Instead of tuning in to ourselves and our needs and tuning in to our children and what might be going on for them.

This is very normal especially for people who've had to deal with a lot of criticism.

It becomes a default position to expect more criticism.

Next time you're worried about what someone might say about you or your child, tune into yourself and your child.

What do you both need as you go into this situation?

A couple of mantras that always serve well are curiosity before conclusion and connection before correction.

Curiosity and connection give us and children grace and the opportunity to be heard and to learn.

Conclusions and corrections give us the power to make children wrong without any learning.

Eye rolling winds me up!

I hear this often from parents.

It could be eye rolling or screwing their face up or a whole host of other behaviours!

It just feels so disrespectful!

However, what my clients find really helpful is to take a breath and a step back.

This gives them an opportunity to observe and really see what's going on behind the behaviour.

Mantra: Curiosity before conclusion!

When you get curious, you can see that there may be a few dynamics at play here.

Your child may have just felt dismissed when they tried to say something or state their opinion.

They felt disrespected.

Children often use their body language and facial expressions to mean how they feel.

Once you understand the reason for the behaviour, then connect.

This allows grace, both for your child and for you.

Giving them a consequence would just lead to resentment.

And a continuation or escalation of the behaviour.

Save this as a reminder for next time you feel disrespected.

My client was struggling with her daughter and although she was trying to stay calm and rational, she seemed to come off as the "bad guy".

She was also having to battle criticism from family members and school.

She couldn't do right for doing wrong.

After working with me, she was able to see herself more compassionately and understand why she was struggling with boundaries.

Instead of her daughter walking all over her, she now had connection with her.

In my one:one Parenting Hour, I help parents feel empowered so they can enjoy family life.

It's £99. DM me.

Is it hard to get your child to do something, like switch off the TV or their computer game?

Do they get into argument and start crying and refusing to do as asked?

This is what a parent told me they used to do:

give warnings and then things would kick off when it came to turning the TV off.

After working with me, they came up with a new response.

They gave adequate time warnings and then once the time was up they gave them a choice.

"Do you want to switch off the TV or would you like me to do it?"

This worked well, as the child was given a little bit of control and so their night time routine was smoother and calmer.

Having the first part of a routine go well, and having children cooperate with you, means you set up the rest of the routine to go well too.

Just like this parent, you too can set up routines well.

My one:one Parenting Hour helps parents communicate so children will listen and cooperate so you can start enjoying family life.

It's £99. DM me.

Sometimes tantrums come from nowhere.

Or so it seems.

Usually, when we look a bit closer, we may notice what's really going on for a child.

That's when we can help them.

In the day to day busy-ness of life, the reasons can be easy to miss.

In my one:one Parenting Hour, I help parents unravel the reasons for their children's tantrums so that they can support them.

It's £99. DM me.

Do you find that when your child wants something, they want it now and if they can't have it, they keep pushing and pushing?

And when you don't give in, they give you attitude and back chat?!

This is exactly what one mum told me.

She was making dinner and her daughter wanted mum to give her a bubble bath.

The client's response was to say, "no, I can’t I’m making dinner", which then led to the above.

Mum felt exasperated and frustrated and got angry with her daughter.

She felt like she was fumbling and couldn’t keep a grasp of parenting her children as they were going through the different ages and stages.

She knew she wasn't too permissive or inconsistent and couldn't understand why nothing worked.

After working with me, she came up with a new response. She empathised and negotiated with her daughter:

"A bubble bath sounds like a lovely idea AND I have to make dinner. Would you be willing to have the bubble bath after dinner?"

The client found this way of communicating straightforward and actionable and was able to put it into practise straight away.

She told me that day to day life was much easier with more connection and joy.

She got these results after just one short consultation.

My Parenting Hour is £99. DM me.

Giving choices is a great way to share power and allow children to have some say in day to day things.

But you do need to pick the right moments!

What works for your child when giving them choices?

This is a short clip of talking to Gareth from Start Talking podcast which was recorded last year.

We took a deep dive into compassionate parenting, exploring the role of failure, guilt and shame in parenting.

We also breakdown conscious, unconscious and self-conscious parenting and how people can be more aware of all three.

The link for the full podcast is in the comments.

Dealing with rudeness and back chat

Children not using their manners, being rude to adults and giving us back chat can all be major wind ups - probably as we wouldn't have dared do any of those things when we were growing up.

Not taking these personally is probably the hardest thing to do, especially as some things that children say can be hurtful.

Encouraging them through role modelling and showing appreciation when they use manners, is probably a good way to go.

Rather than telling them off for not being polite.

If children are rude towards an adult, especially if we haven't witnessed exactly what happened, it's best to get the full story before we react.

Sometimes when we're with family or other people, there is a pressure to take action, so we tell children off.

However, it could be that they were retaliating over something we missed.

Although it's not an ideal way to behave, we need to support them so they know we will help them if they need it.

Telling them off might cause further resentment and lead them to think we have double standards.

With back chatting, I would suggest talking about your family values and how you show respect to each other.

Also, as no-one is perfect, talk about what happens when there is back chat.

Do you walk away and then come together when you've all calmed down?

This is a process of learning and won't be linear or straight- forward.

Again, connection is key as that really helps to top up that close bond and meet children's needs.

Have you found effective ways to help your children use manners and be respectful?

This comes up all the time in my conversations with parents and it's set to continue.

There are many different aspects to this:

Gaming

Social media- constant scrolling, comparisons and being addicted to getting "likes"

Pressure to behave in certain ways, do inappropriate things

Safety- there are a lot of resources so do your research if you're not confident on how to keep your child safe online.

Have ongoing conversations with your children about keeping themselves safe and their online reputation.

Solutions:

Don't make technology into an enemy.

We complain about children's use of technology but the truth is that our habits have changed massively.

It's so common for adults to be glued to their devices and we've really got to check our own usage in order to lead by example.

Agree limits on usage- don't just impose them- but you will need to uphold them.

Strike a balance between agreeing limits and creating scarcity- as this just leads to cravings.

Play the long game rather than quick fixes, such as nagging them or making threats.

Have on-going discussions with them and make these conversations positive.

Show an interest in their games/ use of technology.

Find out what they like about it- can this enjoyment be found in other things too?

Is there a need they are trying to meet? Can it be met through a different means?

Frame conversations around your family values. What's important to you as a family?

Spending quality time together;

contributing to the family through helping each other/ doing household jobs;

contributing to the community or society/ volunteering/ connecting to a wider network;

doing physical activities/ connecting with nature.

Sometimes we place restrictions on what children can do outside of the home and this can lead to spending more time indoors, leading to more technology time.

I know there may be families where physical activity may be difficult and children may not have many interests.

Even with these constraints, what else is possible?

Just asking the question can open up a world of possibilities.

As usual, connection is very important.

Connection for the sake of it, to fill your child's need for attention, time, affection, etc.

Within the field of addiction, the need for connection is often highlighted.

We often try to meet our need for connection in ways that may be unhealthy.

There is no replacement for genuine, no agenda, authentic connection.

How do you manage your child's use of technology?

Some siblings get along fine with each other while others can't stand to be around their brother or sister.

It can be hard to watch and be around.

Can you force them to get along?

Just like a forced apology, it can cause resentment and may add fuel to the fire.

Have family meetings to talk about your values and agree how you want to be with each other.

How do you want to be treated?

Which boundaries are important to each individual?

As part of this conversation, talk about how to support one another if anyone is struggling with observing the values.

Talk about what's working and also what's not working and agree some solutions.

You may need to coach your children to deal with minor irritations before they escalate.

It's important for children to see this demonstrated for them, as children learn by example.

It can be hard for parents to deal with annoyances before they blow up!

You don't have to be perfect as this is on-going work for most families.

Build in plenty of fun family time and, having an appreciation jar can be helpful.

It gives children a chance to look for something good in each other.

How do you support your children to get along with each other?

Do you worry about your child's reaction when you make a request?

You want to be considerate of your child but it's hard if you're fearful of how they might react to a request or a particular situation.

You may end up giving in or avoiding certain situations and you may feel that your child is in control.

Here are some suggestions:

Put yourself in "neutral" before making requests or going into some situations.

Set loving, firm limits that are based on your values as a family- not just a set of rules.

Be clear and firm in your expectations of your child when you're making a request.

If a conversation doesn't go well, pause it before it escalates into an argument.

Let your child know you will come back to the conversation when you've both had some time to think about what you want to say.

Don't give up!

Give both of yourselves a chance to practise these difficult conversations.

It will eventually get easier!

And remember, connection is key.

Connection that has no fixed agenda, no ulterior motive, just time together.

Helping children listen.

We've talked about connection and cooperation.

Today, let's look at the third C - compliments.

It's really important to show genuine appreciation when children listen and follow instructions.

Just saying a simple "thank you".

However, when we're exhausted and frustrated, we may react automatically.

We might criticise children when they don't do things to our time frame or to our standards.

Or, even worse.

We might be sarcastic, "So, you do know how to make your bed!"

We need to give them encouragement and motivate them.

How do you show your children appreciation?

On the topic of helping children listen to us

Previously I talked about the 3Cs

The first C was connection, connection, connection.

Here, we'll look at the second C- cooperation.

I talk about two ways of encouraging cooperation- giving choices and giving simple, easy to understand and follow instructions.

Choices- these are a great way to create a dynamic of cooperation.

I suggest 3 ways of giving choices:

1. Either/or- choice between two things. "Do you want to wear your green shoes or the red ones?"

2. Order in how they do things- "Do you want to put your pyjamas on first or brush your teeth?"

They're doing both, you're just allowing them to choose what to do first.

3. How - if you want your child to go upstairs to get ready, you could say, "Do you want to race me up the stairs or race your brother? "

Either way, they're going upstairs!

If you're getting into power struggles, try changing the way you communicate your requests.

Be aware of how many requests, instructions, commands and demands you're making.

The second way is to give simple, clear and easy to understand and follow instructions.

Rather than giving a vague instruction such as, "Tidy your room please."

Try, "Bring your laundry down and make your bed please."

By being specific and breaking down a seemingly huge task, it feels more do-able.

Once, you've made a request, give them time to carry it out.

No-one likes to be watched over and pressured into doing something straight away.

This may create more resistance.

How do you encourage cooperation from your children?

Helping children listen to us.

There are 3 C's to this topic. We're going to cover the first C today- Connection.

There are 3 levels of connection:

1. Basic, in the moment (when you're making a request) connection, e.g. making sure you say your child's name, being in the same room, eye contact and getting down to their level.

Without this very basic level of connection, you'll probably find yourself getting frustrated and shouting.

2. Sweeter, deeper and again in the moment connection.

Before making a request, give your child a smile, hug, tell them you love them or you've made their favourite snack.

3. Deeper, meaningful connection that is outside of the moment.

That is, there's no agenda.

This is one to one connection that's regular and predictable so it meets your child's need for time, attention and your presence.

Make sure there are no distractions and you're allowing your child to lead this time.

This type of deeper connection over a long period of time helps the relationship withstand the tougher times and conversations.

So, that was the first C.

How do you meet your child's need for connection?

Giving your child your full, calm and loving presence during a tantrum.

It's about not hurrying them along through their difficult moments or paying attention to others and what they may be thinking about you or your children.

It's about being intentional and focused on where you and your child are right now.

How do you stay present with your child?

Please share in the comments.

On the topic of tantrums, we're talking about empathy.

It can help to validate children's emotions and let's them know we're taking them seriously.

Some examples of things to say are, "I can see you're feeling disappointed because you can't have a biscuit" or

"I can see you're feeling sad because we have to leave now."

Share in the comments how you show empathy to your children.

If there is a topic you want me to cover, let me know.

How to prevent a tantrum

This won't always be possible but if we take the approach of being curious, i.e. what happened just before the tantrum, you may get some clues.

Giving children choices and time warnings can go some way in getting cooperation.

Let me know in the comments anything you've noticed about your child's tantrums.

Is there anything else you would like support with that I can address in a video?

Why do children have tantrums?

In the video I list out some of the main reasons children have tantrums.

Parents may experience frustration and want to have a tantrum too.

Listen to this video to find out more.

Why do I use coaching and hypnotherapy?

In this video, I talk about how each adds to the service I provide to parents.

Coaching helps with practical tools and reflection.

Whereas hypnotherapy helps when we feel stuck in a habit that doesn't serve anyone.

My one:one Parenting Hour will help to shine the light and bring about the changes that you want as a parent.

It's £99. DM me.

This is another live I did a few years ago talking about hypnotherapy.

I use hypnotherapy in my parenting coaching as so much of what we do is automatic and just out of our conscious awareness.

Hypnotherapy can be useful for when we're stuck in those habits and patterns that don't serve us but we don't know how to stop them.

A short clip of a live I did a couple of years ago talking about conscious parenting.

I have space for 3 parents who don't understand why they do what they do, especially when they promised themselves they would do things differently today!

My one:one Parenting Hour will help you to be much more conscious of your decisions so you can parent the way you want.

It's £99. DM me.