Life coach Vasu

Why do wives always bring the past into the fights?

Manjiri had been upset since the morning, actually, she is since 2 days as she had gone to a party where there was a reunion of her school friends...

Manish was observing it but didn't want to touch the topic as he knew it may lead to fights and then unnecessary drama...

This is the big mistake husbands make, TO AVOID THE FIGHT...when they are avoiding they are inviting it more, and now the blame is on them(which was somebody else before ).

Manjiri had gone into the flashback when she was in school and also in college how FREE she used to feel, how intelligent she was, and how everybody respected her in tuition, classes...She was smart, good-looking, charming, and the total package of a girlfriend one wants to have...
So she was in total demand but she least cared about all this as she was so much focused on the studies and the purpose she wanted to serve...

She had a circle of friends who used to pamper her and their parents too as everyone loves to be with the topper person...

She did the same when she was in college too..

She always achieved something or another and she was happy and very much confident about her decisions...

The problems in her life started coming when she was no longer the topper in higher education college, there also she tried her best to always be the topper and get the attention but the crowd was different...

She got into some of the friendships and then after some time married Manish...

She knew the attention, and love she had gotten from her dear friends, and teachers in the school was not going to be for a lifetime...

But it triggered her to think negatively about her current married life situation where what she was doing was not very much appreciated, valued, loved, or cared for...

It was like they were expecting the next thing...she always had to listen..

"You can't do this much also...
Only this I had expected from you..."

So she started feeling totally different, she was not good enough and she had delivered Kia, and being such a successful smart working woman she was feeling not so good about herself...

What made her think so sh*tty about herself ?

The People pleasing attitude...

Especially she wanted to be a very good daughter-in-law, wife...

The focus had been shifted from doing the bset for herself to asking for permissions or living in fear of will they allow me to do this is because she wanted the perfect relationship or to be best Daughter-in-law or wife...

Wives feel hopeless about their present situation and future considering their work-life struggle where they are getting less support for handling their babies and they had to take leaves where they had to face bosses for which they feel guilty...

So all this guilt, shame, anger, and resentment gives them a totally frustrated identity and then it starts becoming messy...

Wives start questioning all their past decisions where they got influenced by others mainly relatives or family members after marriage and they start blaming them all for ruining their lives...

Why did they make wrong decisions about career or pregnancy?
Because they don't dare to say NO to elderly people including her own husband...

But all of a sudden when she realizes all this like how she had gone wrong just to please others then she becomes a rebel and she starts fighting not for rights but out of revenge...and that leads to fights with always the topic of the past...

What husbands should do in such scenarios?

The only thing wives expect at that time from husbands is a caring, loving, empathetic approach towards them...When a husband can see her just like a child who is throwing a tantrum because her toy is just broken instead of an adult fighting and if he can not go into the defensive mode and doesn't do the personal attack, it shall be the biggest investment he must be making for his own life...

Everyone has bad phases of life but the problem is that we never expect it from a mother or a wife, there are these standards set for a woman, daughter-in-law, or mother that in the house she should always be smiling, greeting, caring for others...

It's not easy dude especially nowadays when everybody values you based on their measurements...

How much do you earn?
How much do you work at home?
How many children do you have?
How well do you take care of them?
Do you take care of in-laws?
Do you take care of your parents?
How clean and organised you keep your house ?

So many judgments but less appreciation and value of what she must be doing...

So girls I know how much you are expecting here how understanding, caring, loving, and empathetic your husband should have been and you would have seen them before marriage as a boyfriend or even in even early years of marriage but what happens to them slowly they get into the role of responsible parents and so do we and the samsara continues...

If you want to break this chain of fights and feel hopeless, and helpless about your future and that is what leading you to fight and ruin the relationship around you...

The time is now to get help from a counselor...

Whatever you or your husband must be thinking is always right in your and his terms...

Everybody is right in his or her head because he is the victim, he is the lawyer and he only is the judge...
But problems in a relationship cannot be solved this way by blaming each other and proving them wrong, you can't survive in such an environment where you are always into proving right for you, it's not at all healthy...

Come above it...
Rise and shine...
Sometimes we need just a little push or help from an external source to come out of a big storm and let me be that for you, if you allow...

Blessings and prayers.
Life coach Dr.Vasu

Have you been triggered by something or someone?

Are you blaming that person or situation and feeling helpless or hopeless and like you have lost yourself in that situation?

Is your life broken into so many pieces that you are just clueless about where to start and what to mend first?

The answer is
Mend the bond which was broken by the need to please others...

The bond with YOUR SELF.

Others have pulled the trigger but who was holding the explosive within?

Wasn't it you?

Why were you holding all the explosives, just to explode 💥 one day very wrong way?

The truth is IGNORANCE within you lets you hold all the dirt of explosion within you.....

The one who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes...
Carl Jung.

Your whole life, you were searching for everything outside, the questions, the answers, the happiness, the experiences, everything...

Have you ever sat with yourself and asked,

"What do you want dear love?"

What do you want?

And the answer shall come to you and it may surprise you, how easy it was...

Then why were you following others, pleasing them, asking for validation, trying to fit in...

Why were you doing that?..

It came out of conditioning, the past conditioning...

Be A Good Kid, Do those things which are liked by others, be presentable, be disciplined, be helpful, be organized...

We are all different but we were tried and told to be the same IDEAL beings by society and conditioning...

Those who were fitting in were accepted and others weren't...

And it had created the FEAR OF REJECTION
FEAR OF FAILURE.

To run away from these fears, those things which are not socially acceptable, people started doing this by hiding their identity...

Even children do that if Mamma doesn't like it, let Mamma go to the duty I shall do it...

This creates conflict within our minds...One wants Pleasure other wants Morality and every time we have the freedom to choose the right for us there lies all the answers..

Don't we know the consequences of bad choices but we want the pleasure...
The short-term pleasure...

Those who have self-control and self-regulation can Focus more on their pursuit of life...

So In any spiritual practice, more focus is given to self-control...

The senses are meant to wonder, the intelligence is the rope AND the mind is the driver, you are sitting in the back and experiencing and going through all that is happening through this process...

How can you reprogram and balance all this and make good decisions that gonna help you in the long term?

By gaining Knowledge...
Association with the right people...
Having a mentor, coach, or Guru to show you the path...
Cleansing all that in the past which you had gone through...

It's a practice...
Results shall appear but you have to detach from them focus on the progress and trust the process..

You are blessed.
You are guided...
You are loved...

Look inside...
Mend the bond which was broken by the pride.

Blessings and healing prayers.
Life coach Dr.Vasu

The past is the thief.

The Past is snatching all the happiness from your present.

Manjiri was trying her best to do all the good...Go to work sincerely, do all the house chores sincerely, but somehow the time, since she had started dreaming big had taken a boomerang on her...

Instead of getting all the good things, doing all the good things she was not happy...

She was always wondering why am I not achieving my goals...

I used to look better and healthy in the past, now why am I feeling so sad about myself lately...

The answer was...

She felt the love she shall get from others always depends upon the work she does, the good behavior she has towards others...

Was it all for show-off?
Not really but she was asking for validation, approval, and appreciation by making herself work extra...

When it was too much for her, she approached a mentor whom she knew both of them had started on this journey at the same time but that friend had outgrown gracefully and Manjiri was not jealous of her but wanted her hand holding for reaching that state of easy and effortless manifestation...

She wanted to feel good about herself...
She wants to feel alive and happy and FREE...

Once she started discussing with her coach friend " Mayura " all the answers started showing up...

Mayura told her," You are being so hard on yourself Manjiri, for these next few months you just focus on yourself and your being...

You are doing all the external work which succeeds only if you have a great foundation of Inner work done...

And it's your PAST Manjiri, that is not making you go ahead in your life...

You are sitting on a lot of trauma how can you expect yourself to be so weak inside go ahead in Life...

Sit with yourself and write down all the past moments and triggers you have towards others, all the situations where you had felt helpless, victimized, controlled, manipulated, used, harassed by others...

Do Ho'oponopono prayer for all those situations, burn them, and keep doing it...keep doing it for all the surfacing trauma you are going through again and again...

There are 3 states of your being.

First state - Victimhood.

In this, you keep blaming others for whatever bad happened in your life and you feel they only should be sorry and reverse all that happened with you...
You feel so sorry for yourself for going through all that and you want them to say sorry for all the misdeeds they had done to you.

Second state - Creator

Where you take responsibility that whatever happened in the past is learning for me...It all happened for my Good...For teaching me lessons and overcoming the powerlessness hopelessness and helplessness...
Claiming your power back...Leaving the victimhood and believing in your powers...

Third state - Surrender to Divine...
Every time you think that you are always the controller of your life look into nature...
Sun rising, moon shining, trees growing, birds chirping there are so many things in nature which are not in your control still you don't get disturbed by it then why it happens to you when it comes to relationships...
Because of the past KARMIC bonds between you and them...
So अभी past में जाके change तो नहीं कर सकते...
As the past cannot be changed now surrender to the Divine and ask for guidance and the power...

Bless you, with the Last State...
Life coach Dr.Vasu

Have you felt like an outsider in your in-law's place or discussion?

Manjiri had returned from work, and she was so happy today, her work had been acknowledged and appreciated at the workplace and she had decided that when she returned home she would joyfully discuss all this with her in-laws and husband and increase her happiness by spreading it...

When she was at home, already everyone was sitting at home and their discussion was going on, when she was about to sit on the sofa and asked her husband to give her a place to sit, he was like, "What " with the little irritated face...

Ideally, Manish should automatically give her a place to sit and she should not have been asked for it as Manjiri always does that for him with respect but it's part of conditioning, girls are expected to be more polite, genuine, well-mannered, and loving but for men, there is so much about I should get all of that...

When she sat and was getting into their discussion they were into their discussion, they were not asking her about how her job was today, and even she saw they had to complain about her child and that totally degraded her mood...sometimes they talked by keeping the doors closed and she feels like

कितना भी करलो,ये लोक कभी अपना मानेंगे ही नहीं मुझे!

I will always be an outsider for them...
With a heavy heart, she got out of there and started doing her chores...

The next day when she decided to focus on her work more than talking to them or catering to them, they had a problem...
This means they not getting attention is a very big thing and Manjiri not getting attention was nothing because she hadn't valued ONLY...

She had not considered herself important, she had not kept her self-worth high by being always available and saying yes to everything, every task...

Our outer world is the reflection of the Inner world...

Being Rude not giving importance to anyone around you and always asking for intention is not a good way to get Respect...

What are your feelings about you?

Are you feeling low because you are not feeling good enough?

Are you feeling you can get all the happiness only if you achieve something in your life?

Are you feeling you are not loved because you are not beautiful?

Then here is where the secret lies...
People love to be with Happy and Radiant people because that kind of person has HIGH energy which everyone wants to absorb and be like him, but real happiness comes from within...

What you think about yourself in the whole day that you become...

Manjiri Started reading Louis Hay books and started doing Mirror work and started healing herself, and started detaching all her worth to outside conditions or achievements...

She is a beautiful child of GOD and she is always lovable and deserves all the love and respect by just being that...

She started working on herself...She sat with herself in the morning and evening and she started acknowledging her feelings and emotions in the journey and less she started expecting from others...

Do more inner work..
Healing..
Outside automatically shall change...

Blessings and Healing prayers.
Life coach Dr.Vasu

" A Daughter in the law shall serve well her In-laws in their old age ONLY IF she gets the support from them in her growing career phase for her children "

Is that a Deal?

Manjiri was celebrating her big day, her birthday...
She was so occupied for the last 2 days even though it was the weekend but still she had events to attend and a lot more was going on...

You know every mother attending family functions, her kid's friends' birthday parties and all...

But on her birthday the only thing she wanted was to feel " SPECIAL" in ways like she just wanted to enjoy her day her own way...
Relax and enjoy...
But you know once you are a mother, you are on duty all the time..No Leaves for that but when in the morning everything making the kid ready for school and everything is done, appointments for in-law's health check up then gym, cooking, going to to the temple and the whole day was gone...just gone...in the evening, the cake cutting but she was not happy but tired and irritation was going in her mind...

"Why do I always have to be available for others and why am I always supposed to work...

Though there are maids at home, ए काम साला खत्म ही नही होता । जितना भी करो कुछ ना कुछ रह ही जाता हैं ।

Bring vegetables, and flour from the flour mill, repair chappals, get medicines, and get everything planned, scheduled, and done...

I know, I know MEN shall tell you ohhhhh there are online services available for everything and it's so easy...

इतना भी नही होता इन लोगोसे।
क्या करते हैं दिन भर पता नही ।

If it's so easy why can't they do it?
I have never seen my mother going outside to buy vegetables, Now I really love to choose and buy vegetables but when its a task and if there are many in the line and if of them fall in one day and that too on the day when I have decided to take rest, I get pi**ed off...."

But being a good Daughter-in-law, good wife, And a mother Manjiri can't even express herself and her feelings ...She is always expected to be smiley and happy...

I know the struggle Manjiri was going through and every woman had once in her life but when she gets into the mother-in-law phase she again becomes the mother-in-law as hers was...Many don't but still, there is always some distance in this daughter in law & mother in law relationship...

Most of the time the daughter-in-law feels so overwhelmed with the work she has to do that she feels left alone in this all and does not get ME time then so many expectations are put on her and she starts feeling if I am not getting the support then why should I give them what they are expecting from me...

Were they there for me in my hard times? During my delivery or after delivery while taking care of my children...?

Career vs Children.
This is a huge battle the current modern mother goes through so to balance it some settle down to something less and then for her whole life, she blames others for not supporting her...

It stays for a very very long time in her deeply wounded heart that she was not supported in her career, so even if she serves her in-laws later as she had very good parenting by her parents the wounds heal only when she addresses them to the right person...

"I have so much on my plate "
I am alone in this.
Nobody values my work.
I don't like the work to be told."

These all beliefs come from deep conditioning from childhood...

Once we start knowing more about it and get healed, all this gets healed...

Till the time, keep journaling and addressing your thoughts, emotions, and beliefs...They are not maybe valid, true, or helping you but they are yours and you only can change them and help yourself transform...

Bless you with Healing prayers.
Vasu.

Did Sudha Murthy's mother set the wrong example in front of me?

I was reading the book written by Sudha Murthy telling her own life experience where she had returned from work and wanted to share her feelings of Joy and celebration for getting promoted and when she was about to tell that good news and her mother replied to her by asking to bring milk at home as it had finished ...(I remember this story very faintly )

"YOU may be whatever at the workplace but at home you are just a mother or wife ..." This was the takeaway..

Why women can't celebrate their success in work at home ..?

Why does very little discussion go around about her work and how wonderfully she is doing on the work front at home?

Why should she forget what " she is" and be at home like just another responsible woman?

This definitely does not happen with men...
They are so respected for being the breadwinner and earning money in the family and what do women earn then by doing work?

Are women responsible for their work overload and this treatment?

Yes, totally they are ...
They want to prove how they are equally or more capable than their male partners to get all this respect and then they keep cribbing their whole life that how much soever I work I don't get any respect, love, value, and appreciation..

They have this conditioning in their minds from the past generations that women should always be humble, tolerating,doing all the work without saying NO to anything..

Whatever she had expected from, should be done correctly..

There should be no negligence at home.

In older times, at least she had only house chores to do (though they were plenty ) but it was sorted women would handle the house and men would earn money...
But now women want to aspire to their dreams and learn and work and also earn money but what about home...

Have they got support for that?
When this SHIFT happened, did you expect anything from Men?
Look at our mothers , very few mothers can understand this..
This shift is taking a toll on we modern mothers where so much stress is there regarding work-life balance and they want to do their best at everything but why?

To prove they are not LESS...
But than whom?
Than their male partners?
But when was this competition set up and by whom?

You have your life partner for companionship and not for competition of how much work you do or how much money you earn.

This SHIFT has taken a toll on many marriages so time to sit and discuss with your family and define your role, my Darling women..

It's not about equality but about the respect, value, love, and appreciation you deserve...

Be courageous...
When you can't express and are even sometimes unaware of what you are going through and feel just so carried away by external situations, just sit with yourself make a point, and then discuss it with others...

Many women are suffering because they cannot express and even if they did with all their courage in the past, it didn't work for them and ultimately broke the relationship blaming them to be not so good enough...

Bless you with all the courage...
Now it's time to know yourself and express yourself because you are mothering your daughter who is gonna witness all this...

We have seen our mothers get beaten by our fathers and we have that fear in our minds that we will also...

But this is the time to heal the traumas from the past generations...

Celebrate your success at work and at home too..
Love yourself..
Be humble...
Arrogance is not what we are expecting in the name of celebration showing how superior we are to our husbands...

But it's just that A husband and wife are a team and that's what it meant to be...

All the Best...
Love and blessings.
Life coach Dr.Vasu

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💜❣️Romance ???💜❣️

👩Manjiri was getting ready for the Laxmi Puja and she was feeling very happy getting ready after a long time and expecting Manish to see her..
Manish did see her but not the way she wanted him to be...

💁In childhood, being a studious girl, less time she had to take care of her skin, appearance, and makeup, or dress up or beautify herself...

🙄She was so duty-oriented and loved to do the service that she had great ambitions to be like the great role models and do something great for society she had seen that beauty is not the criteria for it but Duty is.

❣️But when she was in her teens, she started noticing changes in her body, and feelings and started noticing that some attraction happens biologically...

🤗Though changes were happening at the body level, her feelings were prominent and used to come to the front level whenever the word
" LOVE " used to be discussed...

💟And she also had watched some Bollywood movies where they showed that love starts in EYES...

😵‍💫Love at First Sight..😵‍💫

💟She had watched RHTDM, kaho na Pyaar hain, Taal and she subconsciously thought this was how love was going to be in her life when she was going to be with her partner forever in her married life...

🙋And it was there at the start of her early years of marriage but as she became a mother, things started changing.....

👪The Love that was there in Manish's eyes for her was seen at a more intense level for her daughter "KIA",

😓She knew it was not wrong to happen this way, it's natural parental instinct and it's obvious and she is so blessed to have such a loving husband...

🥹But what about that urge to see the LOVE in his eyes for her?

🙅She was not feeling any lack in her happily married life but sometimes when she sees some romantic movies or songs she misses this

"The feeling of getting drenched in the LOVE through the eyes of our loved one "

🤐This feeling can not be explained, expressed, or talked about but it's just felt...

🧑🏻‍❤️‍💋‍🧑🏼He looks at you and you see the mixture of these emotions coming from him through his eyes

💟Admiration
💟Love
💟care
💟Baby you are mine and I am yours
💟How blessed I am to have you in my life
💟how beautiful you are the way you are.
💟You make our family so complete
💟support

Ohhhhhhhhhhh my my, you just feel so full with Love...

💟In the current world, when there is so much talk about LUST, S*X, and intimacy, Manjiri was different and willing to have this feeling about her from her husband...

🤷She knew it that this could not be asked for...

🥹These feelings come from within...
It's not that Manish doesn't love her...
It's just that the ways of expressing love are different...

🤝In marriage, she realized it is not about who is going to fulfill the needs of the other person,
In marriage, it's more about how dutiful, and resourceful you are for the other person...

🤔Does that mean Manjiri or Manish have to just sacrifice all their desires and expectations from each other and just give up on the Love, and romance they want to experience?

NO, NO not at all...

🤚It's just a matter of TIME AND FAITH...

🌷Just like how a bud blooms into A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER, allow some time to this relationship, have patience and unshakable faith that what you are wishing for, desiring for is going to be there and it's always there...

☝️Before expecting anything let me start feeling it's already happening the best way for me...

😭The more we focus on what we are missing in this relationship the more it grows, as you are missing something in your partner, your partner may also be missing something in you as " Nobody is perfect ".

😇Once the Focus changes to what we have in this relationship, the Miracles start happening,
Things start working for you surprisingly well...
You grow in each area of your life...

🤞Because FEELING IS THE SECRET.

🤷If you feel a " LACK " in one area, you start feeling it in other areas too...

🙏So Do not compare, or idealize your romantic relationship with others, just flow in the flow of Life...

🌠Life is always working for you, one just needs to acknowledge it and create JOY in moments...

💁Enroll for J.O.Y. Membership...which is a lifetime membership with an accountability partner helping you to grow in each area of Life.

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