Family Psychology Centre

SOME KIDS NEED A HUG WHILE OTHER KIDS JUST NEED A LITTLE TIME AND SPACE

Tantrums are a normal part of child development. They're how young children show that they're upset or frustrated. Tantrums may happen when kids are tired, hungry, or uncomfortable.

This is all about intentionality and awareness. You don't need to give your children the perfect childhood to be happy, not do your children need a perfect parent. What they need is time to rest, play, explore, create, and to feel safe and connected to the ones they love. The space and acceptance to become who it is they want to be.

1 in 5 children are Highly Sensitive. Children who are highly sensitive often feel their world deeply, they experience emotions, sensations, transitions, and relationships from a very sensitive perspective. These children are also often highly creative and empathetic. When sensitive children are nurtured in environments that honour their soul and temperament, they blossom. Unfortunately many of our Highly Sensitive Children struggle in a world that moves too quickly, too loudly, and is too devoid of real human connection.

As parents who want so badly to fix the problem so we can alleviate their pain but we forget that one of our most secret duties as parents is to simply hold space for the pain so children aren’t alone with their suffering.

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We are meant to walk our pain with others. We are meant to feel our pain and give it room to breathe -- the more room we give, the less it takes.

This requires courage and vulnerability -- something many of us are not versed in.

Find someone safe (and worthy) to walk your story with: a therapist, a friend, your spouse, a family member. Someone who won't try to fix it, but can hold space for the pain - for your story.
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Congruencia..

CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!! Please have a read

Yelling is not a parenting strategy but a reaction, one you likely adopted from your family.

It is a reaction to something you find unbearable, because, at an unconscious level, it's likely your child's behaviour reminds you of a hurt from your past that was never resolved. Maybe you weren't allowed to tantrum and got thrown in your room or spanked. If you cried, you were ignored or shamed. If you talked back, you were met with screaming or corporal punishment.

Your child's emotions are normal, as is their limit testing.

What is hard for you is the emotions they express that were thwarted in your own upbringing. How to resolve this? You need to tell your story, make sense of your story, remember how it felt to feel ignored, fearful, or shamed, and ask yourself, "How can I do this differently?" You also have to take care of yourself, know your triggers, and give yourself space so you don't repeat these patterns.

The following was written by Dr. Melissa DeBose Hankins, a psychiatrist, and she gave me permission to share it:

This is what the result of unresolved trauma looks like.

What many of us witnessed during last night’s Academy Award ceremony between Will Smith and Chris Rock was a TRAUMA RESPONSE.

While I am in no way condoning violence, I think this is a very public and very important opportunity for us to all understand what a trauma response can look like.

A trauma response can take many forms (some surprising) and look like:

Slapping someone for saying “the wrong” thing

Yelling at someone for not doing something “fast enough” or “up to your standards”

Avoiding or not responding to a boss’s emails about scheduling an upcoming performance review

“Having to” do everything “perfectly,” otherwise you feel anxious or unsettled in some way

Yelling at staff or throwing things around your office or OR when you feel frustrated or have a bad outcome at work

Not setting boundaries around your time and energy because you’re worried about confrontation and upsetting the other person

Working endless hours without taking time for yourself or the things and people you enjoy because your job is your primary source and measure of your own self-worth and value

When a person has experienced trauma (“Big T” trauma or “Little t”trauma) from their childhood (or, their adulthood), the brain and body store that traumatic memory in ways such that aspects of that memory can be re-activated by present-day interactions and situations.

When this happens, the person experiencing this re-activation is split-second processing (on a subconscious or unconscious level) the current event through the filter of that past trauma. This means that that person is, for all meaningful purposes, experiencing things as if they are right back in that previous circumstance of trauma. As a result, they are reacting (taking action)—emotionally, physically, and/or verbally—from that place of trauma.

Those past traumas can be diverse and range from:

Witnessing a parent being physically or verbally abused during your childhood

You, yourself, experiencing physical, s*xual, or verbal abuse in your childhood or adulthood

Experiencing emotional abuse or neglect as a child

Being harshly reprimanded (this could include being spoken to by someones with an angry tone and demeanor) or shamed by others as a child for not doing a task “the right way” or not doing it “well enough”

Being told (and, perhaps, punished) as a child by an adult caregiver that it’s not polite and/or not acceptable to say “No” when an adult tells you to do something (including getting hugs from relatives, being made to attend events with your parents even when it’s clear your parents really didn’t want to go)

Being called out by a teacher in front of the class for having the wrong answer and feeling embarrassment and shame

While some of the above may be horrific, and other things may seem inconsequential, depending on the age of occurrence, the emotional, mental, and physical resources that person had at that age, as well as any prior traumas could determine the extent to which that person experienced trauma. A 2 year-old accidentally wandering into a closet with a door that shuts behind them that they can’t easily open, plunging them alone in darkness for 15 minutes before someone finds them is a far different experience than that of an adult in the same predicament.

In the case of Will Smith, he detailed in his autobiographical book, “Will,” that he witnessed trauma as a child in the form of violence at home. In his book he writes:

“When I was nine years old, I watched my father punch my mother in the side of the head so hard that she collapsed,” he wrote. “I saw her spit blood. That moment in that bedroom, probably more than any other moment in my life, has defined who I am.”

“Within everything that I have done since then — the awards and accolades, the spotlights and attention, the characters and the laughs — there has been a subtle string of apologies to my mother for my inaction that day. For failing her in the moment. For failing to stand up to my father. For being a coward.”

So, while the “joke” Chris Rock said was about Will’s wife, the fact that she was being targeted in combination with the look on her face (signaling to Will her level of upset and distress about what was said), triggered a split-second accessing of (and instantly being placed inside of that) memory to an earlier time when he was 9yo and wasn’t able to protect his mom (the woman he loved).

Will’s reaction last night was that of that 9yo traumatized little boy who simply reacted in the way that 9yo boy wanted to react back then.

Does having a history of trauma (big or little) give a “free pass” for the present-day trauma reactions that involve the harming (physically, verbally, or emotionally) of another? No, of course not.

However, it does highlight the extreme importance of understanding trauma and it’s many manifestations, and addressing it with effective trauma-informed approaches that address the emotional, physical (because we hold emotions in our body), and mental aspects of trauma.

Hopefully, rather than simply vilify Will, and say he has “an anger problem,” people close to him can help him recognize that this is “A TRAUMA PROBLEM,” and help him get the trauma-informed help in the form of therapy in combination with modalities as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques, or “tapping”), EMDR, or other somatic modalities that can effectively and efficiently release the traumatized aspects held in his memory and body.

Once his trauma and his emotions are no longer dictating his actions, he could have a much more measured and effective response to situations such as that that occurred at last night awards ceremony.

My further hope is that if anyone reading this finds that they are stuck in patterns of extreme reaction (such as Will experienced), or even less severe reactions, but you recognize are getting in the way of you living life the way you really want, please consider getting trauma-informed support.

Even if you’ve not experienced “Big T” trauma, ALL of us have experienced various “little T” traumas that have impacted each of us in various ways personally and/or professionally—some with mild behaviors and impacts, some not so mild.

As physicians, we are masterful at suppressing so many of our emotions, and the thoughts and memories associated with them. However, trauma has a way of impacting us in great big obvious ways (as we saw with Will Smith), and not such obvious ways (perfectionism, workaholism, lack of boundaries).

I’m not suggesting any of us go unearthing swaths of past trauma (please don’t do this unless you are working with a trauma-informed individual).

Simply be aware that it may be impacting you in ways you recognize and have yet to address, or in ways you never quite thought of as being associated with trauma. And, if needed, allow yourself to get the support you need by working with a trauma-informed therapist, trauma-informed coach, or other trauma-informed practitioner/modality.

Now published by KevinMD.com here: https://www.kevinmd.com/2022/03/will-smiths-slap-is-a-trauma-response.html

They’re not doing to you; it’s for them to release that which is making them melt down

Tantrums are a sign that a child's body has shifted into the "fight or flight" pathway of the nervous system. The fight or flight pathway launches behaviors that are involuntary, instinctual survival based, ie; not “on purpose."
— Dr. Mona Delahooke

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Too often, we automatically address children’s behavior as intentional or willful, trying to talk and reason with kids to change their behavior when what they really need before they can do things differently is to feel .

In her book ‘Beyond Behaviors’, Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. makes a distinction between bottom-up behavior that is rooted in our senses and unmet subconscious needs, and top-down behavior that is mediated by our intentional thought processes. It is only top-down behavior that is susceptible to conversation, consequences, and logic, which is why so much of what we do with chronically challenging kids just doesn’t work. Conversation, consequences, and logic assume a level of self-regulation the child doesn’t have, and isn’t targeted at the underlying causes that are bottom-up.

Because derails the capacity to reason, it is essential to start by ensuring a child feels safe. The foundation of behavioral change is relational security. Nothing is possible without that.

In her book, Dr Delahooke shares dozens of case histories from her decades of working with challenging and their families. In all these cases, she shows how misbehavior is usually an adaptive and unconscious response to an internal reality for the . That reality is often hidden from the adults in the child’s life—masked by their own anxiety or annoyance at the behavior—until they begin to ask themselves why the child is doing what they’re doing, and how that particular behavior helps the child cope.

Using understandings and clinical experience, Delahooke explains that misbehavior is very often the body’s response to stress, and not intentional: “When we see behavior that is problematic or confusing, the first question we should ask is NOT ‘How do we get rid of this behavior?’ but rather ‘What is this telling us about the child?’”

https://cstu.io/4cb780

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There is a difference between ‘self-regulation' and ‘self-control'. Despite so many parents seeing references to self-control on their 's report cards, one is often mistakenly confused with the other. And because a child needs self-regulation before they can exhibit self-control, it can be for a child when the latter is demanded in lieu of the former being developed.

Did you know there are 447 different uses of “self-regulation” in scientific literature from which 446 variations are about -control (Burman, Green, & Shanker, 2015). The two terms are somewhat convoluted, even throughout child development literature.

As Jeremy Burman, author of self-regulation research alongside renowned Dr Stuart Shanker, says, “When there are thousands of partially-conflicting studies, with new ones being published every day, you can't just 'read more.' You need to approach the subject in a different way." Recent research into self-regulation follows this line of reasoning, showing that the cognitive and physiological mechanisms involved in developing, experiencing and dealing with self-regulation issues are separate from those involving self-control.

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Self-control became a focus in psychological research largely due to the “delay of gratification” studies that began to appear in the late 1960s (Mischel, 2014; Mischel, Ebbesen, & Raskoff Zeiss, 1972). These studies showed that problems in self-control could be detected in children as young as four, and that these problems were associated with challenges in emotion-regulation and executive functions (Eisenberg et al., 1995; Blair & Razza, 2007; Diamond & Lee, 2011).

The self-control paradigm became dominant because of the longitudinal studies showing that the children identified at a young age as having poor self-control fared worse over the long run, both physically and academically, and had significantly higher rates of internalizing and externalizing disorders as young adults (Moffitt et al. 2011; Mischel, Shoda, & Rodriguez, 1989). This research led many to conclude that children should be taught in primary school how to control their impulses (Schlam, Wilson, Shoda, Mischel, & Ayduk, 2013; Diamond, Barnett, Thomas, & Munro, 2007).

🤱🏾 SELF
In 1865, the father of modern physiology, Claude Bernard, inaugurated the scientific study of what came to be known as self-regulation. Bernard was interested in the mechanisms that enabled an organism to maintain a stable internal state in response to both internal and external “perturbations,” what Walter Bradford Cannon (1932) later defined as “stressors.” In its original psychophysiological sense, self-regulation refers to the way one recovers from the expenditure of energy required to deal with stressors.

In psychophysiology terms, self-regulation is a prerequisite for exercising self-control. An unstable internal state can lead to a limbic response— fight-or-flight, or freeze (a primitive neural response to threat easily misconstrued as compliance)— and impinge on the functioning of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain governing self-control (Porges, 2011; McEwen, 2007).

The more an individual is chronically hypo- or hyper-aroused because of excessive stress, the more readily that person goes into fight-or-flight, or freeze (Lillas & Turnbull, 2008). These fight, flight, and freeze limbic states suppress, and at times “brake,” the necessary mechanisms in the prefrontal cortex for the practice of self-control.

Learning 'self-regulation' involves:
🧠 Learning how to monitor and manage your internal states;
🧠 Understanding what it feels like to be calm and alert; and
🧠 Learning to recognize when certain activities help you to return yourself to those states most easily, as well as what pulls you out of them.

As you can see, self-regulation is not self-control. In fact, self-regulation is what makes self-control possible.

https://cstu.io/a41ff1
https://cstu.io/523169

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El apego seguro es una buena inversión para nuestras relaciones en pareja. ❤️

No es que “aprendan” a calmarse. Es que SE VUELVEN CAPACES de calamarse solos. Para ello tienen que desarrollar las conexiones en el cerebro. Estas se desarrollan experimentando la calma, cuando sus adultos los consuelan. Las emociones se viven; no se aprenden

"Children do not "learn" to calm or self-regulate. Children become capable of calming and self regulation through consistent experiences of having been calmed by their caring adults."
— Dr. Vanessa Lapointe

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💖💓❤️

www.crianzapositiva.es

No los limitemos. Creemos un qmbiente en el que puedan crecer continuamente, sintiéndose seguros y amados!

"When a child is moving though the world differently, they are often all too aware that they don't quite fit in. But when parents commit to creating an environment where their child can let down their defenses, there is no limit to their growth."
— Debbie Reber

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There is so much more to behaviour than most people think. Children don’t try to upset us, there is usually something behind it. They are communicating their need through behaviour. If we look behind the behaviour we can see a child who is doing the best they can.

Por una crianza positiva..

Le educación s*xual esta integrada a todas las areas de la vida. Es más que sólo los genitales y sus interacciones. Intrinsicamente esta ligada a las emociones. Las cuales, a su vez, se ven directamente afectadas por la autoimagen y valoración de sí mismos, que los niños tienen.

Interacciones personales respetuosas y emocionalmente equilibradas, es vital para proteger la s*xualidad de nuestros hijos. Evitamos vulnerarlos cómo victimas y como agresores.
Si llegasemos a lograrlo, entonces, estaremos creando una generación emocionalmente preparada para tener una s*xualidad madura y equilibrada. Porque serán personas equilibradas que conoceran su valor y se sentiran seguras de sí mismas. Por lo tanto, se extiende a crear una sociedad más sana!

Before it has anything to do with s*x, families can create a consent-conscious home by how they interact with each other in many different ways:

❇️ “May I take a picture of/with you?”
❇️ “Would you like a hug?”
❇️ “Can I have a bite of your snack?”
❇️ “Is it okay if I tell ___ what you shared with me?”
❇️ “Would you like help with that?”
❇️ “They said stop, so that’s enough.”
❇️ “May I post this picture online for others to see?”
❇️ “Can I borrow your...?”
❇️ “No? Okay, I respect that.”

Some may argue, “why do I have to ask permission from a child?” or “they’re MY child, and until they’re on their own in this world, they do what I say.” Thoughts such as this are what make children accustomed to being controlled by another, operating out of a sense of obligation, and less able to assertively communicate their needs or boundaries without fear. It essentially grooms them to be victims or oppressors within abusive relationships.

A few sound exceptions are when children are in stages of earlier development or require caregivers to make full decisions on their behalf. In those cases, the leading phrase before an action is performed may sound more like, “I’m going to...,” as a way of walking through intentions with open communication. Then paying attention to non-verbal cues is important, being ready to make adjustments or stop as needed in response.

When we don’t seek consent, we assume another person’s feelings, wants and needs. We send the message that our will and desire is more important than theirs.

Raising children who become adults that understand consent, respect, and healthy boundaries means creating a home culture where the necessary skills and communication are consistently practiced, long before it has anything to do with s*x.

⭐️ For resources to support the talks at every stage, visit s*xpositivefamilies.com.

This.

Food for thought

So many!

This is truth! 🙌

Las generalizaciones lastiman y crean prejuicios. Informemonos, escuchando y observando a cada niño como lo que es: unico e irrepetible. Por ello, las necesidades individuales cambian en área y medida. Escuchemos, conectemos, amemos

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