Dan Feldman, Counselor

Perfectionism is delusional.
- Dan Feldman

📸 Look at this post on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/share/75PzEXstz1iFd8tB/?mibextid=Na33Lf

Most of us think a lot about our problems. When we look at them as problems, we are somewhat defeated already because problems don't always have solutions. Problems are heavy and usually require struggle.

What if we just had puzzles? Puzzles have solutions and feel like a positive challenge we can solve. From now on, I want to think in terms of the puzzles in my life rather than problems.

Old way:
My Friend: How's it going?
Me: Not so good. I've really got a lot of problems.

New way:
My Friend: How's it going?
Me: Not to bad. I'm excited to be solving my puzzles.

Check out my blog post

Navigating the Waves: Understanding and Addressing Anxiety Attacks and Panic Attacks In the fast-paced landscape of today's world, mental health challenges are prevalent, with anxiety attacks and panic attacks impacting many individuals. This blog post aims to delve into the distinctions between these experiences and explore how counseling, particularly through approaches like Accep...

Want to improve any relationship? Learn to REPAIR! - Dr. Becky Kennedy introduces this concept in her brilliant TED talk. She refers specifically to the parent/child relationship but the principles apply to any and all relationships. If I could teach one skill to every individual or married couple with whom I work, it would be this one.

https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy?language=en

Dr. Becky at Good Inside

Becky Kennedy: The single most important parenting strategy Everyone loses their temper from time to time — but the stakes are dizzyingly high when the focus of your fury is your own child. Clinical psychologist and renowned parenting whisperer Becky Kennedy is here to help. Not only does she have practical advice to help parents manage the guilt and shame...

I do a lot of work with high-conflict divorce situations in my practice. My colleague, Dr. Diane Dierks has done much, much more of that work. I thought her current blog post on the subject was worth a read for anyone dealing with this type of situation.

Cut It Out! Radical Resistance in Family Litigation – Center for Navigating Family Change For the last three decades, I have worked in the field of high-conflict divorce, mostly as a therapist and parenting coordinator, and often as an advocate. I calculated once that I had been in front of more than 50,000 parents when I taught the court-ordered divorcing parents seminar for 18 years. I...

Building Strong Boundaries: A Path to Personal Empowerment
http://wix.to/ki2TMI7

Overcoming the Shadows Within: Conquering Negative Self-Talk
http://wix.to/6jpxauU

Why it might be awesome to be an introvert ...

Embracing the Quiet Strength: Unveiling the Power of Introversion In a world that often seems to celebrate extroversion, the qualities of introversion are sometimes overlooked or misunderstood. Introverts possess a unique set of strengths, and Susan Cain, in her groundbreaking book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, explores this ...

Check out my blog post

Cultivating Mindful Self-Compassion: A Journey to Inner Healing In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we often find ourselves caught up in a cycle of self-criticism and judgment. We are quick to offer kindness and understanding to others, but when it comes to ourselves, we can be remarkably harsh. This self-critical mindset can lead to stress, anxiety, an...

My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

Mental Rehearsal is such a powerful process. How do you play things out in your mind? Rather than endlessly replaying experiences in your mind exactly as they happened including the ways that you wish you had functioned differently, try replaying them with new information. If you must replay them - and, let's be honest, we all tend to do too much of this whether we want to or not - try replaying them with you functioning the way that you wish you had. This way, your mental practice leads you to a higher likelihood of functioning more effectively in the next similar situation. If you continue to just replay it the way it happened, you are essentially practicing the mistakes which actually makes it more likely that you will repeat them. Practice in your mind translates to future functioning!

Here is your reminder to be kind to yourself and invitation to practice it as often as you can. 💕

The Power of Being King to Yourself 🙏🏽

• More and more research is showing that self-compassion is a key to living a h life.
• Self-compassion is a source of strength and resilience

The 3 Elements of Self-Compassion:
1️⃣ Self Kindness: we are as caring towards ourselves as we are to others
2️⃣ Recognizing Our Common Humanity: When we understand that we are not alone in our pain through a moment of connection with others and that it is a part of the shared human experience
3️⃣ Mindfulness: Being open to the reality of the present moment [yes, you are here], acknowledging our suffering without exaggerating it

Graphic created by the amazing Johnine Byrne from See Your Words 🙏🏽

How many counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a personality trait that turns life into an unending report card on performance or appearance. When it's in good shape, it can inspire you to overcome challenges and succeed. When unhealthy, it can lead to dissatisfaction quickly and persistently.

Extreme perfectionism is harmful because, despite its victims' desire for achievement, their main concern is preventing failure, which leads to a negative outlook. They don't believe in unconditional love and think that receiving love and approval from others depends on doing everything perfectly.

Why is perfectionism so common?

Internal pressures, such as the desire to avoid failure or harsh criticism, are the main causes of perfectionism. Because perfectionistic impulses have significantly increased among young people over the past 30 years, regardless of gender or culture, there is probably also a social component to it. Increased competitiveness in academia and the workforce, as well as the widespread use of social media and the damaging social comparisons it fosters, are all regarded to be contributing factors.

Characteristics of a perfectionist

Perfectionists have unreasonably high standards for both themselves and other people. They are extremely critical of errors and quick to point out flaws. Because they are afraid of failing, they often put off finishing a project. They ignore praise and fail to recognize their accomplishments. Instead, they seek affirmation and praise from others.

What varieties of perfectionism are there?

There are three domains where perfection manifests. Self-centered perfectionism is placing an impossible standard on oneself. Imposing unattainable perfection standards on others is referred to as other-oriented perfectionism. Perceiving unjustifiable standards of perfection in others is a component of socially mandated perfectionism.

Risks Associated with Perfectionism

Of course, perfection is an ideal and is not possible in the real world. When pursued to an unhealthy extreme, the pursuit of perfection can have detrimental effects, including procrastination, a propensity to shy away from problems, rigid all-or-nothing thinking, harmful comparisons, and a lack of inventiveness. Maladaptive perfectionism is frequently fueled by childhood trauma, feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and fear of failure. Depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and even suicidal thoughts are frequently present in perfectionism.

Is striving for perfection ever beneficial?

Demanding perfection is not the same thing as aiming for excellence. Maladaptive perfectionists are failure-oriented, whereas adaptive or positive perfectionists establish lofty goals, uphold high standards, and strive tirelessly for their success. Adaptive perfectionists value challenge, growth, and effective problem-solving. Their tendency toward perfection is a strength, not a problem.

How can perfectionism be beaten?

People who are committed to an impossibly flawless ideal can succeed at a high level by letting go of the comparison attitude. They can achieve this by focusing on the present moment, practicing mindfulness, talking to themselves with kindness, and confronting their own negative judgments. The important thing is to understand that even if something is imperfect, it can still be worthwhile.

This is a beautiful thing to remember. You may experience things like depression or anxiety but you are not those things. You are separate, a complete and unique entity in and of yourself. In English, we say things like "I am depressed." or "I am anxious." This is unfortunate because the 'am' in these statements acts just like an equals sign in mathematics. Whatever precedes the 'am' is the exact same thing as what follows it. However, in several other languages, such a statement is not possible. Instead, they say things like "There's a depression upon me." or "There's an anxiety upon me." This feels something like saying "There is a blanket upon me." Regardless, you are not the blanket. You are separate from but still experiencing the blanket. Learn to separate yourself, in your own thinking, from what you might be experiencing. This is one of the best ways to begin to overcome whatever that might be.

This is one of the reasons that there is always hope. Even if an individual has functioned, or rather learned or been conditioned to function in ineffective or even harmful ways, since no one is a static entity or a block of solid material, change is not only possible and desirable but actually inevitable. If you have felt stuck like you cannot possibly change, be different than you have been, become effective and happy, then take heart, because you are changing all the time whether you are aware of it or not. If you want any help to guide that change, facilitate the positive side of the change, help you navigate, get through and even just survive the change, consider contacting a licensed professional counselor (LPC) for help. This is exactly the kind of thing we are here to help you do. All the best!

One thing that a lot of clients want to change is their ability to start and complete tasks. There are lots of reasons why something might be difficult to do or even if it is not difficult, it can feel difficult. Here are some great ideas to help you overcome an inability to do something that needs to be done.

The first step to overcome a tendency to be emotionally reactive is identifying and acknowledging internally what you are actually feeling. Labeling the feeling for what it really is and being as specific as possible allows you to shift from reacting emotionally toward the other person to simply and clearly expressing your experience in such a way that allows the other person to know what it has been like to be you in that moment.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

My friend and band director extraordinaire, Dr. Randall Coleman, had this posted in his classroom when I first started teaching. It has always stuck with me. I'm not really sure how to apply it in the way that my posts about counseling are done but I just wanted to share it with all of you.