McKnight Counseling, PLLC

Relationships often involve navigating two seemingly contradictory truths—these are paradoxes to be managed, not problems to be solved. A phrase I like is “Both are true.” For example, individuals with anxious attachments often develop these patterns because of unpredictable access to emotional comfort during childhood, leading to feelings of insecurity. This insecurity can cause a strong need for immediate resolution when conflicts arise. While it’s crucial to honor the anxious partner’s need for predictability, it’s also important to recognize that their partner may need space to process, and not all issues can be resolved immediately.
The answer lies in balancing both needs. The relationship should honor the anxious partner’s need for predictability as much as possible while also helping them develop tolerance for uncertainty and delayed resolution. Both partners must be flexible, moving toward each other without abandoning their own needs, to effectively manage this type of paradox.

Just like a car needs regular maintenance to run smoothly, your relationship requires ongoing effort in communication. Without it, even the strongest connections can deteriorate over time.

Keep your bond strong and thriving by investing in meaningful conversations. How do you prioritize communication in your relationship?

On this National Relaxation Day, why not try a simple yet powerful practice to bring peace into your relationship? Set aside a few moments to share your daily stressors with your partner. One of you speaks, while the other listens actively and provides support. It’s a wonderful way to manage stress from outside the relationship and strengthen your connection.

This practice can turn daily stress into an opportunity for support and understanding. Take a deep breath and give it a try today—you might find it’s just what you need to feel more relaxed and connected!

Happy first day of school!

Do you struggle to understand others' feelings naturally? Shift your focus to noticing emotional cues: Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, gestures, and tone of voice. Deliberately try to understand and empathize with others’ emotions, and validate their feelings by offering support based on the emotional signals you observe.

By actively looking for and responding to these signals, you can improve your emotional connections and build stronger, more empathetic relationships. Learn more here: https://bit.ly/3VNRjL3

🧡🤗🧡

By being more open, you can start to identify and share your emotions, helping to strengthen your bond with your partner. Moving forward requires embracing change and adapting to it.

Feeling frustrated about being open about your feelings? You are not alone. Drs. John and Julie Gottman designed an approach to help you achieve focus and explore your emotions. Learn more here:https://bit.ly/3XGrVcS

Why is it so tempting to want to move someone away from their pain?
For one, most of us don’t grow up with emotional support and comfort. When you don’t have emotional support and comfort when in pain, the second best option is to try to make it go away…talk or think your way out of feeling, rationalize the situation, beat yourself up and vow to do better next time, blame others and try to change them so you don’t have to feel bad, be and do things in a certain way to prevent bad feelings, stuff the emotions away with distractions or substances, disconnect from your body, etc etc.
Without comfort and support, people will find any number of ways to not feel.
There are a number of problems with this approach, but one big one is that when we don’t get comfort and validation (including a safe space to be with our feelings), we don’t learn to give it to ourselves, and then we can’t give it to others. People will more or less comfort others in the same way they learn to comfort (or not comfort) themselves. If you are used to moving yourself away from painful emotions, because from an early age it was better to do that than it was to be alone with them or shamed for them, that’s how you’re going to “help” your partner. The problem is that it really doesn’t work. Securely attached relationships have copious amounts of emotional support and validation. They answer the questions “will you be there to emotionally support me when I really need you?” And “will you allow me to help and support you with your emotions?” with a resounding and consistent “yes.” ❤️

*Speaking of copious, I have tons of information on this account to help you give and receive emotional support as a vehicle to secure attachment. I also wrote my book Secure Love by Julie Menanno as your guide to using the skills of emotional support to bond, escape negative cycles, and create a secure attachment with yourself and with your partner. You can find Secure Love by Julie Menanno in print, audiobook, or ebook, anywhere books are sold.

Most relationships crumble due to an absence of emotional connection, which extinguishes the flames of love and dooms the partnership.

Emotionally safe environments are non-shaming, responsive instead of reactive, understanding, validating, flexible, and include healthy boundaries. They communicate “you’re valuable to me.” Each partner has a responsibility to do their part to create safety, but sometimes one partner takes the initiative before the other. Why? Because that’s just the way life is….not always fair. Most of the time partners don’t grow exactly evenly…one shifts, the other shifts….and in the big picture the growth bounces back and forth in different ways and at different times. They help each other grow, but that can only happen if somebody decides to get unstuck.
What can you do to create an emotionally safe environment? Some examples….Talk about vulnerable feelings instead of just showing anger; talk directly about anger if you’re used to shoving it down and being passive aggressive; move away from shame and blame; validate your partner’s feelings; set healthy boundaries; practice self-care; take your partner’s needs and wants into consideration; stay engaged in hard conversations instead of shutting down; planning time together….
And what if you’re doing your part to create a safe, healthy environment and you’ve given it time and you’re still feeling unfulfilled in the relationship? Then you have decisions to make.
But before you go there, put your energy into being the partner you want to be and practicing healthy relationship behaviors….because you never know where life will take you and where ever that is, your growth will go with you. ❤️

Relationships also have window of tolerances.
Relationship and self healing happens when you can help yourself and help each other in these places…so you can find your way back to the window. That means learning self-regulation and co-regulation techniques, learning better ways to communicate when you’re hurting, and building a safe relationship with your own body and with your partner so that you go there less often to begin with.
There are many layers to healing, and all of them are addressed in the various posts on this account. Check out the “start here” highlight. ❤️

https://www.cnn.com/2024/06/24/health/bids-for-connection-better-relationship-wellness/index.html

Better your relationships by paying attention to someone’s ‘bids for connection’ | CNN An attempt at small talk from a loved one may be more than what it seems at first. Here’s how paying attention to “bids for connection” can improve a relationship.

💜

Reconnecting with loved ones, especially in busy lives, involves deliberate actions and focused attention to show care and value. By actively showing your partner they are important and valued, you can rediscover and strengthen the fondness and admiration that initially brought you together.
For more specific, research-based tools and examples to strengthen bonds, check out our blog post dedicated to The Busy Couple’s Guide to Sharing Fondness and Admiration: https://bit.ly/30E4buV

Struggle with change? The great antecedent to change is doubt. As long as there is a doubt in our mind about the truth of our beliefs, changes as possible. Those who are convinced they know all there is to know about a subject (or person) will not, and perhaps cannot learn anything new about it. They are captives of their present knowledge.the freedom to choose a new attitude is difficult and, overtime, nearly impossible. If you desire to change your attitudes about change, do things that challenge your perceptions.
There is no need to be a captive. Set yourself free.

Taken (and adapted) from Conflict Survival Kit, by Daniel Griffith and Cliff Goodwin

knowledge.th