West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Being a survivor of domestic violence is linked to increased risk for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and su***de. Many types of abuse--not limited to mental, physical, s*xual, financial, or spiritual---use the tactics of fear and isolation to control the survivor. Those in themselves are known to lead to greater risks of depression and suicidal thoughts.

What do we mean by isolation?

It can be physical isolation, for sure, such as refusing or preventing physical access to transportation to go see family and friends. It can look like making it seem like the survivor's use of the family transportation is a big burden on the abuser, or trying to make the person experiencing abuse feel guilty for equitable use of transportation resources.

But it can also be emotional isolation, such as guilting a child for having fun visiting their other parent (or trying to gaslight or bribe them to reject the protective parent), telling a partner that their family or friends don't really love them, making it hard for someone to get or keep a job, withholding mobility devices such as a walker or wheelchair, and more.

Do you know someone who has done or is doing this to a family or household member?

YOU PROBABLY DO. Don't be a bystander.

A healthy boundary...

* Sets expectations when interacting with others.
* Empowers you to have a healthy self-respect.
* Establishes a comfort zone that is safe for everyone.
* Clarifies individual responsibilities in a relationship.
* Distinguishes your wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings from those of others.
* Reduces codependent habits.
* Encourages autonomy and independence.

An unhealthy boundary...

* Does not respect the needs or desires of others, but demands respect for your own.
* Makes others uncomfortable or even unsafe--whether mentally, physically, s*xually, financially, or otherwise.
* Lacks clarity, or shifts constantly to assure nothing is ever your fault.
*Offloads responsibilities in a relationship to others--including both physical and emotional labor.
* Makes your happiness someone else's job, and your unhappiness someone else's fault.
* Does not recognize that others have difference wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings than you do.
* Fosters codependency.
* Sets up an inequitable relationship where you unilaterally set the rules and change them without consultation, and often without warning.

Growing up with violence or abuse is no excuse for using it on others.

People who grew up in abusive homes are more likely to grow up to use abuse. It's what they've seen modeled as a way to manage disagreements, stress, to get a point across, to cope with frustration and more.

Yet plenty of people grow up experiencing domestic violence or other trauma, and they make the active choice NOT to abuse their partners. Instead, they use those experiences as motivation to grow happier, healthier adult relationships, where everyone involved has agency and respect.

So, even when your partner is a survivor of abuse from a past relationship, that’s not an excuse for your partner to be abusive toward YOU.

Every person in a relationship deserves to feel safe and respected. If at any point your relationship is making you feel overwhelmed, trapped, or unsafe, it’s okay to remove yourself. It is not your responsibility to “fix” your partner by yourself.

An abusive partner may need other help to heal that is safe for everyone.

Anyone using domestic violence in their relationship can find contact information for BIPP services to take a solid first step: https://wvcadv.org/wvbipp/
https://wvcadv.org/no-excuse-for-abuse/

Anyone experiencing domestic violence can find help here: https://wvcadv.org/partners/

Sometimes people experiencing emotional abuse may not recognize it as abuse. They may wrongly believe that the only "real" abuse is physical or s*xual abuse. However, many studies show that emotional abuse can be especially traumatic, with long term negative metal health impacts.

Emotional abuse is more than just someone being a jerk to you once; it's more than having a falling out with a friend. It's a pattern of behavior designed to coerce or control you or both. It's often designed to isolate you from friends or family, to make you stay in an abusive relationship, or to get revenge on you for leaving among other reasons.

It's okay to protect your emotional and psychological well-being. There is no excuse for abuse.

Whether you've experienced trauma or are helping someone who's experienced trauma, it's okay not to know what to say or how to explain your feelings.

Sometimes quiet companionship in itself can be healing.

But if you want to know some things that can helpful to say (and some that are not), read more here: https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-help-someone-with-trauma -to-say-and-avoid

There isn't a straight line that goes between being traumatized and being well again. You'll have ups and downs, zigs and zags. You can have a great day and then a stressful day where you feel overwhelmed, depressed, angry, hopeless, frightened, or all of those at the same time.

And that's okay.

If you're experiencing abuse, or healing from past abuse, reach out to your local DV services provider on a good day or bad day--whenever you feel most able. You are in charge of your healing and your choices. We're here to help you through that.

https://wvcadv.org/partners/

Mental challenges, personality disorders, and/or illnesses are no excuse for abuse.

Blaming abusive behavior on mental health does an extreme disservice to people facing mental illnesses and other mental health challenges. Plenty of people have mental health issues and don’t abuse their loved ones.

Further, if an abuser is facing a mental health challenge, are they doing the things they need to do to address it? Are they getting mental health care, a diagnosis? Are they taking prescribed medications? Are they able to control their behavior with everyone but you or you and the children?

https://wvcadv.org/no-excuse-for-abuse/

Having a physical illness like cancer is not a personal or moral failing. Neither is having a mental illness. More than 95% of people living with mental illness have at least one barrier to accessing care.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8214217/

Living with an invisible disability can present unique challenges. Be aware that those around you may have struggles and needs you can't see.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stroke-awareness/202104/the-challenges-living-invisible-illness

Our second orientation training this year is happening in Morgantown starting today! New advocates come to gain the knowledge they’ll use as they work with victims and survivors in their home programs across West Virginia.

Advocates with thorough training lead to better outcomes for victims and survivors

If someone you know is experiencing trauma, the most important thing you can do for them is just be there. Listen. Sympathize.

Learn more about how to support someone through trauma:

https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-help-someone-with-trauma -to-say-and-avoid

Self care is important to mental health. During Mental Health Awareness Month, take time to evaluate whether you're practicing self care.

It's okay not to be okay, though, and to recognize that self-care practices like deep breathing or hiking can't "fix" mental health impacts caused by domestic abuse or other traumatic experiences.

Please reach out to your local DV service provider if you're experiencing domestic violence. YOU decide when, how, and whether it's safe for you to leave. Shelter is not all we do. Your service provider can help you file a Domestic Violence Protective Order, accompany you to court, assist with job placement and financial independence, advise on plans for a safe exit, and more.

https://wvcadv.org/partners/

'Reproductive coercion is an umbrella term that includes attempts to impregnate a partner against their will, control outcomes of a partner’s pregnancy, interfere with contraceptive methods, and/or coerce or force a partner to have unprotected s*x. The Hotline and If/When/How’s report found that since the fall of Roe, reports of reproductive coercion to The Hotline have nearly doubled across the country.

'Of the 3,431 survey respondents, 63% said their current or former partner pressured or forced them to have s*x or other s*xual activity when they didn’t want to and 39% said their current or former partner threatened them if they said no to s*x or other s*xual activity. For survivors who have experienced reproductive coercion, 42% said they have never reached out for support...

'[T]he report also found that for many survivors, pregnancy can initiate, increase or escalate violence – underscoring the importance of reproductive autonomy to survivor safety...'

https://www.thehotline.org/news/new-report-exposes-critical-link-between-reproductive-autonomy-and-survivor-safety/

Blame-shifting is a common tactic of abuse, so survivors may blame themselves as well. Or they may feel shame for having been in the relationship, for staying, and more. Even after enduring abuse, survivors may have difficulty maintaining new relationships.

It was delightful to spend our meeting day at the picturesque The Retreat WV with JJN Multimedia, as JJN worked on filming the video, and WVCADV staff made plans to provide new training courses for dedicated advocates across the state. Stay tuned!

Gender-based violence has a detrimental impact on mental health, damaging the sense of self-worth and triggering depression, self-harm, PTSD, anxiety, and suicidal ideation, as well as having long-term consequences such as lower educational attainment and reduced economic opportunities.

Being a victim of domestic violence is linked to increased risk for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and su***de. Exposure to traumatic events can lead to stress, fear, isolation, depression, suicidal thoughts, and more. Worse, having negative mental health impacts can put you at risk for more abuse.

Reproductive coercion is a type of intimate partner violence related to reproductive health. It can happen with or without s*xual violence or physical violence. This includes but is not limited to refusal to practice safe s*x, intentional exposure to s*xually transmitted infections, preventing access to reproductive healthcare, tampering with or withholding birth control, and more.

70% of people with disabilities experience some form of abuse, and are also three times more likely to be s*xually assaulted than people without disabilities. And these disabilities include "invisible" disabilities, for example depression or MS.

Women with disabilities experience abuse at higher rates; they may simultaneously experience misogyny and ableism, making them especially vulnerable. Not only is the likelihood of violence higher, but the acts of violence themselves are also more frequent and severe.

One in three children with a disability for which they receive special education services are victims of some type of abuse, including emotional abuse, neglect, physical abuse, or s*xual abuse. That compares to one in 10 nondisabled children experience abuse.

If you see something, say something. The WV Child Abuse Hotline number, is 1-800-352-6513.

This Independence Day – as we celebrate the ideals of freedom, liberty, justice, equality, and the pursuit of happiness – let’s take a moment to remember that people in relationships with violent, controlling partners cannot fully participate in our democracy.

If you're in an abusive relationship, reach out for advice on safety planning. You can make this your own personal independence day.

https://wvcadv.org/independence-day-2023/

Survivors of domestic violence can internalize the emotional abuse—believing the bad things their abuser says about them.

Give yourself grace. You are not what your abuser says you are.

Domestic abuse can be a cause of PTSD. This includes not only physical abuse, but psychological and emotional abuse, too.

For instance, it's common for emotionally abusive parents to practice post-separation abuse in multiple ways, such as starting rumors about their ex, or withholding the children from the protective parent. Post separation abuse is particularly common for parents with a narcissistic personality style, as they may not have the capacity to recognize that their children have different needs than they do--or they may feel the ex "has to pay" for the insult of leaving them.

Or both.

Mental health is health, and mental healthcare is healthcare. Everyone deserves healthcare.

Additionally, there is self-care you can practice at home that can support your mental health.

Domestic violence can negatively impact your mental health. If you need help, please reach out to your local program. WE do more than just provide shelter.

https://wvcadv.org/partners/

It's hard to have a healthy relationship with someone else, when you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.

If you are experiencing or using violence, reach out for help.

Remember to celebrate PRIDE all year.

Read this wonderful, in-depth article by WV Executive Magazine about human trafficking in West Virginia.

https://wvexecutive.com/hidden-in-plain-sight/

'"Throughout West Virginia, there have been tips and investigations pertaining to s*x trafficking, child s*x trafficking—including familial—and labor trafficking. [The West Virginia Fusion Center] WVFC analysts say that of the reported human trafficking tips, familial trafficking is the most common and may be a generational occurrence that has become normalized.

'“The most recent case in reference to familial trafficking involved a minor, their guardian/trafficker and a law enforcement officer who paid the trafficker for s*x,” Dial says.

'Another case in 2023 that was brought to light involved an illicit massage parlor engaged in s*x trafficking, and the victim had been smuggled across the U.S. border and brought into West Virginia.

'The challenge with ending human trafficking crimes such as these is that cases are significantly underreported, making an accurate depiction of the issue nearly impossible. The common thread for human trafficking cases, however, is generally a vulnerability that leads to exploitation.

'“Most people are looking for the boogeyman in the alleyway lurking,” says Angie Conn, founder, lead consultant and subject matter expert at SheWhoDares Consulting, LLC. “A trafficker is very charismatic and will take the person they are grooming and get to know them. They will use their dreams, the things that make them laugh and the things that make them cry. Using all that information, a trafficker will string together a dream—the victim’s dream—and repackage it, then sell it back to them, and most of the time, it doesn’t take too much effort to convince them to buy into it. They ask the right questions to find the access points into a person’s life, and every human being has access points.”...

Read the whole article.

Hidden in Plain Sight Name any crime show and you will see they all play out the same way. There’s a beginning, middle and an end. There’s a back story, an investigation and at the end of the hour, the criminal is caught and arrested. Justice is served. Roll the credits.

Domestic violence is all about power and control. Many abusers shift blame to their partners to keep them feeling trapped.

If you’re worried about a loved one, it’s okay to remind them it’s not their fault and they deserve better.

Learn more about what you can say to a friend: https://wvcadv.org/no-excuse-for-abuse/