Janice Rockwell, Mental Health Therapist

this is very powerful....Rips and Repairs

Today's inspiration comes from:

I Want to Trust You, but I Don't

by Lysa TerKeurst

Isn’t it odd that out of the millions of moments we’ll experience in a lifetime, most of them will pass without us being able to recall them? These moments become a collective swirl of general memories without a lot of detail. For example, without looking at your phone, what were you doing exactly five months ago today at 2:00 p.m.? What were you wearing? Who were you with? What did you have on your to-do list that day? What made you laugh? What made you cry? What were you stressed about? What did you celebrate? What were you hoping you’d accomplish that day? What prayers did you pray? If it was a normal day, chances are we don’t remember.



Doing the math, in my fifty-four years of living, I’ve experienced over twenty-eight million minutes. My calculator freaked out a bit when I tried to multiply that number by sixty to see how many seconds that equates to. Regardless, it’s a lot of moments with countless details that don’t register in my memory.



But there are some moments that will stay with me forever. I can recall them with such precision that it’s like I’m watching a movie inside my brain. I can tell you the smallest of details without missing a beat. I can feel what I was feeling, especially when the memory is around the unexpected heartbreak of a relationship not being what you once thought it was. And though a lot of healing has happened, I sometimes still find myself a bit stunned by broken trust.

It hurts in ways our hearts weren’t designed to hurt. We were made to come together with others, not to be torn apart by others.



Broken trust complicates every bit of the parts of love that should be comforting.


I read once that the more intense the emotion is at the time a memory is made, the more likely we are to remember it. That’s been so true for me.



One of those moments I think I’ll carry forever was the night I knew my marriage was over. I stared at the ceiling, desperate to wake up from this never-ending nightmare. But there would be no waking up from this. There would only be a long road of wading through the debris. Trust had been so severely broken over and over. Even the repair work we’d done now felt futile in light of how everything was turning out.



The wear and tear on all those people who were part of this painful journey had taken its toll. Not only was I losing my marriage, but so many other relationships would also change forever. Even some friendships I thought would stand the test of time had all but disintegrated. Couple friends are complicated when you’re no longer a couple. People pick sides. And when they don’t know the whole story, you’re desperate to tell them. But that’s not always possible. People have their reasons and their own issues. People shock you.



Tears leaked from my eyes, but I had no energy to sob like I’d done so many times before. It was like my eyes were purging the last tiny bits of hope I had for this to be turned around. Quietly, one after another, they fell until they stopped.



And then I had the weirdest sensation that this was the moment of transition between the life I’d fought so desperately to keep and the life I would step into where everything was different. I whispered the only prayer I could:



“Jesus, I love You, and You love me. That’s all I’ve got.”


I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that though the trust in this relationship could not be repaired, other relationships where the trust had been broken would be. Some friends would come back. Family members would too. My kids and I would find our way through the grief of loss. And there would come a day when we would start building a new collection of memorable moments. Good ones we didn’t see coming. Indeed, time didn’t get stuck in that season of heartbreak. If there is one thing that’s true about life after loss, it’s that it goes on.



And as time goes on, some relationships will go on with us and some will not.

Some will not, because they walked away.
Some will not, because we made a wise choice to let go.
Some will fade away. As seasons of life change, so do some relationships.
Some will stay as strong as always.
Some will be more complicated and uncertain, because trust has been broken.



But perhaps instead of going away, they’ll stay. And you’ll stay. And now the hard work of repair must begin.



But before we dive into ways to repair trust, let’s put some thought into what trust is and how it serves our relationships.



I think the phrase “the ties that bind us” is an accurate picture of human relationships.



Trust is made up of incredibly intricate but invisible emotional threads of connection between two people. These threads hold them together.


They bring a sense of balance and stability to the relationship. The more the two people honor these threads of trust, the stronger they get. Though neither person can see the threads of trust with their eyes, they feel the strength of their connection in their hearts. The stronger the connection, the more assured both people are in the quality of the relationship.

Trust is made up of incredibly intricate but invisible emotional threads of connection between two people. These threads hold them together.

It feels so fulfilling to be confident you can count on key people you love. I think it’s one of the greatest feelings of safety to know that, even if everything else in the world falls apart, you still have a few people who will be right there with you.



But here’s the thing no one ever told me. Those few people, that sacred little circle of human connection you think will never change, might not be the same people all the way through life. “Besties for the resties” sounds really good on an Instagram post, but real life doesn’t always turn out that way. Promises are sometimes broken. People move away, fade away, pass away, walk away, and turn away. Sometimes there’s broken trust. Other times there’s just a slow erosion of connection, which diminishes trust. There are also sudden disruptions of trust where they say something you can’t unhear, reveal something you can’t unknow, or choose something you can’t go along with. Or sometimes they withhold information from you, and instead of you being the first to know, you’re one of the last.



And certainly, there are times when you and I have broken other people’s trust. Sometimes we know it. And sometimes we aren’t sure what we did. It’s good for us to humbly seek clarity. And if there is repair work to be done, and the other person is willing, prayerfully consider what you can do. Let’s acknowledge our own imperfections and agree to reread this chapter when we need to make things right with another person.



But for today, let’s read this in light of the ways others have broken our trust. Repairing broken trust requires us to first establish what we need from another person in order to consider them trustworthy. As you read my list, feel free to change it in any way you want, to make it true to what your heart needs to feel safe and secure.



My personal definition of healthy trust with another person means I can count on them...

to be who they say they are;
to do what they say they are going to do;
to show up with care and compassion;
to tell the truth; and
to use good judgment and biblical wisdom with their decisions.


As I did research by asking others about trust, I found people are unique with their thoughts on what is necessary for someone to be trustworthy in their eyes. Some of the needs are similar to mine but use different wording or are more specific. See if any of these resonate more deeply and need to be on your list of what speaks trustworthiness to you:

They are authentic.
They never say, “I probably shouldn’t share this, but...”
They show consistency in how they treat you.
They aren’t moody, unpredictable, or prone to angry outbursts.
They are resourceful.
You can count on them to be there for you.
They have longevity in their other relationships.
They have a good reputation.
They are loyal.
They treat all people fairly.
They are humble enough to admit they are sometimes wrong.
They are willing to be held accountable.
They don’t dance around issues but instead are straightforward.
They are available.
They are cooperative.
They don’t cut corners or cheat.
They respect other people’s property.
They respect your time.


Good relationships are precious. And just because trust has been broken doesn’t mean the relationship is no longer good. Sometimes trust can be diminished even in solid relationships because of missteps like one person not being responsible, not keeping their word, or not showing up with care and compassion like they should have. For me, the biggest determining factor as to whether I’m still safe with a person is how they react to my concerns. I feel more hopeful if they listen without animosity and seek to understand what I need.



My counselor says, “For every rip there needs to be a repair.” I really like this advice. If we can address the rips as they happen, it will help us better manage our concerns before they turn into full-blown ruptures.

Excerpted with permission from I Want to Trust You, But I Don’t by Lysa TerKeurst, copyright Lysa TerKeurst.



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Your Turn

Sometimes, all we can say is “Jesus, I love You, and You love me. That’s all I’ve got.” That’s a great place to start when walking into healing from broken trust and relationship destruction. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” G

I am so happy Susan is with our practice!!

It's another ! Meet Susan Milner, MS, LIMHP.

Susan Milner is a Licensed Independent Mental Health Practitioner. She received her Master’s Degree in Counseling from Doane College in February of 2014 and earned her BA in Liberal Arts from Doane College in May of 2011.
​
Providing individual and couples therapy, Susan specializes in depression, anxiety, grief, trauma and compulsive disorders. She is also trained in dialectical behavioral therapy and facilitates a women's DBT group.

She has experience supporting families facing the challenges of caregiving. She is particularly committed to working with special needs children and their caregivers, helping them navigate the unique difficulties they face while striving for success in both therapy and life.

Susan also provides consultation and life coaching for clients. She is a certified trainer in Emergenetics, a self-assessment profile which is used to identify thinking and behavioral styles. As an Emergenetics trainer, Milner provides one-on-one coaching and team development workshops facilitating communication and enhancing both personal and team effectiveness.
​
Susan is married to Jerry and has two children, Rhett and Molly who keep her focused on the most important aspects of life. Susan’s personal mission in life is to reach her best potential and to help others achieve theirs also. In her leisure time she loves to play golf and be outdoors. Susan also enjoys the creative writing process, reading great books and exploring spiritual truths.

When you're out wandering in the wind,
envision it cleansing you.
Thank it. Send out wishes into it.

Yes! Focus on your growth and healing!

Change is a process not an event. I love this brief description!

🌟 On this National Children’s Day, let’s celebrate the homes where our children grow, feel safe, and are loved unconditionally. Dr. Angelou once said, “Home is the nest where children are raised and the place where they are the most important inhabitants.” Our homes are the foundation of their dreams and where they feel the most important. Happy National Children’s Day! ❤️

Scars tell the story of where you have been.....they do not dictate where you are going.

This!!

Would you like a short tutorial on addiction and brain chemistry? Dr. Kevin will enlighten you on the impact of fentanyl and the new grades of ma*****na. If you work work with this population, this is a must listen to. Weather a therapist, physician, nurse, schoolteacher. This 24 minute podcast will give you some insight and tools. Feedback in the comments would be appreciated.

‎Beyond Theory: S6 E13: Dr. Kevin McCauley on a Compassionate View of Addiction on Apple Podcasts ‎Show Beyond Theory, Ep S6 E13: Dr. Kevin McCauley on a Compassionate View of Addiction - Feb 16, 2024

Smaller steps, taking time rather than rushing can make the journey go smoother….

This is an oldie from John Roedel but powerful. Learning to trust our gut.

John Roedel

~ I wrote this poem 8 months ago and it changed my life ~
***
my brain and
heart divorced
a decade ago
over who was
to blame about
how big of a mess
I have become

eventually,
they couldn't be
in the same room
with each other
now my head and heart
share custody of me
I stay with my brain
during the week
and my heart
gets me on weekends
they never speak to one another

- instead, they give me
the same note to pass
to each other every week
and their notes they
send to one another always
says the same thing:
"This is all your fault"

on Sundays
my heart complains
about how my
head has let me down
in the past
and on Wednesday
my head lists all
of the times my
heart has screwed
things up for me
in the future
they blame each
other for the
state of my life
there's been a lot
of yelling - and crying

so,
lately, I've been
spending a lot of
time with my gut
who serves as my
unofficial therapist
most nights, I sneak out of the
window in my ribcage
and slide down my spine
and collapse on my
gut's plush leather chair
that's always open for me
~ and I just sit sit sit sit
until the sun comes up

last evening,
my gut asked me
if I was having a hard
time being caught
between my heart
and my head
I nodded
I said I didn't know
if I could live with
either of them anymore

"my heart is always sad about
something that happened yesterday
while my head is always worried
about something that may happen tomorrow,"
I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

"I just can't live with
my mistakes of the past
or my anxiety about the future,"
I sighed

my gut smiled and said:
"in that case,
you should
go stay with your
lungs for a while,"

I was confused
- the look on my face gave it away
"if you are exhausted about
your heart's obsession with
the fixed past and your mind's focus
on the uncertain future
your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs
there is no tomorrow there either
there is only now
there is only inhale
there is only exhale
there is only this moment
there is only breath
and in that breath
you can rest while your
heart and head work
their relationship out."

this morning,
while my brain
was busy reading
tea leaves
and while my
heart was staring
at old photographs
I packed a little
bag and walked
to the door of
my lungs

before I could even knock
she opened the door
with a smile and as
a gust of air embraced me
she said
"what took you so long?"
~ john roedel (johnroedel.com)

Home | John Roedel | Writer, Poet, Storyteller. John Roedel is a comic who unexpectedly gained notability as a writer and poet through his heartfelt Facebook conversations that went viral and became an Amazon best-selling book titled, "Hey God. Hey John." The author of five books, John offers a sincere and relatable look at his faith crisis, ment...

Completed a training today. Interesting that female po*******hy use is up. Is it Mobil devices, women feeling freer to engage in p**n? Thoughts?

If you went to UNK in the 80s you may have heard about this man. I follow this blogger and learned of his death.

What Women Are Saying Be the voice, not an echo.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” — Mary Anne Radmacher

Always speak your truth

Have you ever experienced the death of a person who assaulted you years ago? Thoughts? Feelings?