Wiser Divorce Solutions

Cobra is a good thing! 🐍

Not the snake, although I'm sure they have their fans...

And not the Ford Mustang Cobra. Although I do strongly recommend the movie Ford vs Ferrari! 🐎

No, I'm talking about: COBRA, or the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act, which allows individuals who are no longer eligible for their employer-sponsored health insurance to continue coverage for a limited period of time.

This includes individuals who are going through a divorce and were covered under their spouse's employer-sponsored health insurance.

In the case of divorce, COBRA allows the non-employee spouse to continue their healthcare coverage under their ex-spouse's employer-sponsored plan for up to 36 months, twice as long as the typical 18 month extension. ⬅

It's important to note that the non-employee spouse will be responsible for the full cost of the coverage, which includes both the employee and employer contributions.

While COBRA can be a helpful option for those going through a divorce, it's important to carefully consider the costs and duration of coverage. In some cases, it may be more cost-effective to explore other healthcare coverage options, such as enrolling in an individual healthcare plan or seeking coverage through a new employer.

If you're going through a divorce and are concerned about healthcare coverage, speak with a qualified healthcare professional to determine what's best for your individual situation.

Overall, COBRA can provide a lifeline for individuals who are no longer eligible for their employer-sponsored health insurance due to divorce.

Just don't go poking around and wicker baskets when you hear a flute playing! 😮

I could post Orwell quotations every day... ❤️

We are told we should live a balanced life. ⚖

But is that accurate? Won't it hinder our success?

I suppose that depends on how we define success. 🤔

I've been thinking a lot about the concepts of balance, success, and flow. It's not so simple to say that we should be leading balanced lives when activities that put us into a flow state may lead to a sense of euphoria and a great deal of success that, paradoxically, may also be accompanied by a great deal of unhappiness in other areas of our lives.

Consider John Lennon.

He wrote the song Help in 1965 at the height of Beatlemania. It could be argued that no other popular artist reached such a level of critical and commercial success.

When asked about the song in the 1970s, Lennon always referred to it as one of his favorites.

Why?

“Because I meant it” he said.

I'm always astounded by the fact that during an 18 month period (!!!) from the end of 1965 to the middle of 1967, The Beatles released the albums Rubber Soul, Revolver and Sergeant Pepper.

They also released the singles Penny Lane, Strawberry Fields Forever, Paperback Writer, We Can Work it Out, Day Tripper, and Rain.

😯

I'd say that John Lennon (and Paul McCartney) were in a state of flow.

Yet Lennon was unhappy.

Was it because his life was completely out of balance?

I couldn't find the citation, but I seem to remember Bob Dylan once saying that his greatest achievements in the mid-60s were written at a time when he was completely out of balance. I think he's even said that you can't write songs like that and have a balanced life.

So, is it a trade off?

Do we need to sacrifice some “success” in order to lead a more balanced and contented life? Or does it depend entirely on how we define success?

I think there is a constant push and pull between the categories in the wheel of life.

I don't think we are ever in a state of happiness for long. I do think something approaching contentedness is possible. And it might require us to enjoy or endure periods of imbalance.

I don't know. I'm musing. I'm curious to hear what you might think!

Recently, I had the pleasure of being a guest on The Divorce Literacy Podcast with Jody Bruns, CDLP®, the President and Founder of the Divorce Lending Association.

I discuss all things Gray Divorce and Jody and I discuss the important role CDLPs (Certified Divorce Lending Professionals) can play in advising couples going through the process.

With interest rates rising, it's more important than ever to include a divorce lending professional in your divorce team.

For gray divorcees, often retired, with substantial equity in their homes, the stakes are even higher.

Find the link to the podcast in the comments below.

What are some steps you can take to lower the cost of divorce and make the process a little bit easier?

Here are five ways to do just that:

1. Consider Mediation: Mediation can be a cost-effective alternative to traditional divorce proceedings. By working with a neutral third-party mediator, you and your spouse can work together to reach a mutually agreeable settlement, potentially saving thousands of dollars in legal fees.

2. Keep Communication Open: One of the biggest drivers of divorce costs is a lack of communication between the parties. By keeping the lines of communication open and working collaboratively with your spouse, you can potentially reduce the need for court hearings and attorney's fees.

3. Be Realistic About Your Needs and Wants: It's important to be realistic about your needs and wants during the divorce process. Fighting over every asset and issue will only drive up the costs of the divorce. Focus on what is truly important to you and be willing to compromise on the rest.

4. Consider Alternative Dispute Resolution: In addition to mediation, there are other forms of alternative dispute resolution that can help you avoid lengthy and expensive court battles. Collaborative divorce is an option to consider. Look for Collaboratively trained attorneys and divorce financial planners

5. Hire an Experienced Divorce Attorney: While it may seem counterintuitive to hire an attorney to lower the cost of divorce, an experienced divorce lawyer can help you navigate the process and avoid costly mistakes. Importantly, look for an attorney who is committed to finding a cost-effective solution for your case.

By following these five tips, you can potentially lower the cost of divorce and make the process a little bit easier.

💚 I work with mid-late life “gray divorcees” before,
during and after divorce. Let me help you establish the financial foundation for a meaningful life.

Many of you are familiar with prenuptial agreements, but how many of you are aware of postnuptial agreements? 🤔

Postnuptial agreements are similar to prenups in that they establish how assets and liabilities will be divided in the event of a divorce or separation. The key difference is that postnups are signed AFTER the marriage has taken place.

They can be useful for couples who didn't have the opportunity to create a prenup before getting married, or for couples who want to update their agreement as their financial situation changes.

Postnups can cover a wide range of issues, from property division and spousal support to debt allocation and inheritance rights. By creating a postnuptial agreement, couples can clarify their financial expectations and potentially avoid lengthy and costly legal battles down the line.

If you are considering a postnuptial agreement, it is important to work with an experienced attorney who can guide you through the process and ensure that your agreement is legally sound. With the right legal guidance, a postnuptial agreement can provide peace of mind and protection for you and your spouse.

Postnuptial agreements are an important tool for couples who want to safeguard their assets and ensure a smooth transition in the event of a divorce or separation.

If you’d like me to refer you to a good attorney experienced in postnups or other legal issues related to marriage, please reach out to me or comment below.

Flow is engagement on steroids. 💪

Flow is play for grown-ups.

Bill Burnett and Dave Evans in their book Designing Your Life, report flow as having these sorts of attributes:

✅ Experiencing complete involvement in the activity
✅ Feeling a sense of ecstasy or euphoria
✅ Having great inner clarity- knowing just what to do and how to do it.
✅ Being totally calm and at peace.
✅ Feeling as if time were standing still or disappearing in an instant.

Off the top of my head, I recall two flow episodes in my life where I completely lost track of time:

1. Editing a short 16-millimeter film I shot as a student filmmaker.

2. Practicing with my punk rock band in a dingy warehouse basement, back in the day.

Have you ever experienced flow, where you were in the moment and lost track of time completely? Let us know in the comments below!

Beware Gen X’ers!

They're coming for you! ☠

And who are they?

Funeral home directors, that’s who! 🧛‍♂️

I get to celebrate the President's Day weekend knowing that I’ve made it to the funeral home mailing lists. 🎉

They must know a milestone birthday approaches…

Well you ain't getting me yet!

There's a lot of tread left on these tires. 🏃‍♂️

Did you know Rap is at least 87 years old??? 👴

Modern humans have been around for about 200,000 years. We did stuff before the internet... 😮

Rap has been around for at least 87 years, as evidenced by this ditty penned by poet WH Auden in 1936.

Check out the short video in the comments!

Overheard at the gym #23

Retirees say the darndest things... 😯

While jog/walking around the track yesterday I heard two women walking behind me. I would guess they were in their late-60s.

As my heart settled to a non-emergency beat, snippets of their conversation filtered through the gym’s soundtrack (I think Dua Lipa was playing). 🤔

“They discovered King Tut's tomb 100 years ago this year, did you know that?”

“Fascinating. 100 years seems like a long time, but it's gone so fast… all the changes we've seen. Women have come so far.”

My interest was piqued. I almost kept listening even as my heart slowed to a resting pace. Instead, my desire to drop a few pounds before spring won out and I resumed my jog.

A couple of laps later I slowed down again, this time in front of a couple older men.

Over the poetry of Justin Bieber, I heard the following:

“Rich Mexicans buying up real estate in Arizona… that’s where all the human trafficking is. No coincidence. They were saying on truth social…”

Although my heart rate hadn’t yet dropped, I started to run. You couldn't get me out of there fast enough. I literally ran away from that conversation.

Think for a second.

Which of those two pairs of retirees walking around the track do you think are happier human beings? Which are likely to enjoy a longer, happier more meaningful retirement?

The person full of wonder, appreciation and gratitude or the person parroting a toxic political ideology.

I have no doubt.

Yesterday I wrote about the economic penalty women face in gray divorce.

While men may suffer economically as well, men are more likely than women to pay a higher social penalty.

Given the research linking happiness in late life with social relationships, this is a very important matter. Jocelyn Crowley, in her book Gray Divorce asks us to consider the following:

➡ Women tend to have deeper networks of support to carry them through life transitions.

➡ Men are more likely than women to fear complete abandonment by their adult children. For numerous reasons, adult children tend to direct their negative responses toward their father more than their mother. This can also wreak havoc with their economic well-being in older years as they switch care-related roles with their children.

➡ Research has shown that women more often stated that
their friends and adult family members sided with them over their ex-husbands in their gray divorce.

➡ Women often tend to be the social organizers in a marriage thus leaving the man without experience in this particular social skill.

➡ Men, for a variety of reasons, find it more difficult to make friends with other men as easily as women make friends with other women.

It's important that divorce professionals: divorce financial advisors, attorneys, divorce lending and real estate professionals and therapists be sensitive to this under recognized penalty of gray divorce.

Men being men, they are less likely to share the loneliness they feel.

As a CDFA, I work with mid-late life “gray divorcees” on the financial issues of divorce: before, during and after. Let me help you establish the financial foundation for a meaningful life after divorce.

What are the penalties of Gray Divorce?

For men and women, it’s different...

Women after 50, on average, pay a much higher price economically than men. Jocelyn Crowley, in her book Gray Divorce, noted:

◾ Men after 50 typically have better earning potential going into the future due to work experience and stronger educational backgrounds.

◾ They may also move forward financially at a faster rate.

◾ Social Security benefits disadvantage women due to labor force participation and pay equity issues

◾ Retirement income for women may be constrained by the fact that women tend to invest more conservatively than men

◾ Divorced women over 50 are more likely to work in their retirement years than married women. Age discrimination adds to the problem.

◾ Women are less likely to have health insurance through their own job than men.

◾ Long term care insurance is not covered by traditional healthcare insurance yet it is critical for women who live longer than men.

Tomorrow we'll look at the special "penalty" men pay with Gray Divorce.

I work with mid-late life “gray divorcees” during and after divorce.

I help answer your questions, like:

🔶 Am I going to be OK?
🔷 How should I invest the funds I have after divorce?
🔶 How much longer will I have to work or will I have to go back to work?
🔷 When should I take social security?
🔶 How do taxes play into maximizing my retirement income?

Let me help you establish the financial foundation for a meaningful life.

The passing of Burt Bacharach this week lead me down a mental rabbit hole on the nature of art and theft.

Pablo Picasso said “Good artists borrow, great artists steal.”

David Bowie, along the same lines, said “The only art I'll ever study is stuff that I can steal from.”

About a week ago I came across a set list from a Beatles concert in 1962, one year before they took Great Britain by storm and two years before they took over the world.

Seventy-five per cent of the set was cover tunes, originally performed by other musicians.

Ironically, Paul McCartney got himself into a bit of a public relations pickle recently referring to The Rolling Stones as a "blues cover band."

My point, of course, is not a clarion call for plagiarism. Rather, the acknowledgement that the best art takes something old and transforms it into something original.

Below in the comments, for your listening pleasure, is a different take on Burt Bacharach.

Bacharach, the king of easy listening melodies in the 60s and 70s, provided inspiration for a band who could hardly be considered easy in any way.

The band was The Stranglers, a curious Doors/Prog/Punk mix-up who hit their heights in the late 70s/early 80s. In 1978, their unique spin on the Bacharach/David penned Dionne Warwick hit rose to 21 in the British singles charts.

Take a listen. Have an open mind. These punks could play!

Are you willing to be disliked?

Are you willing to be honest with your creativity?

Because if you’re not, you probably don’t stand for anything and yes, the AI robots will eat your lunch.

Willing to be disliked shows that you’re doing something different, you’re original and you’re truly creative.

Seek a small audience.

Create something that makes a meaningful impact on someone.

Not bland pablum that offends no one.

It takes guts.

How well do we really know ourselves? 🤔

Not well, it seems.

Psychological research has actually shown that other people's assessment of our personality is a better predictor of our behavior than our own. 😲

Simine Vazire a psychologist at Washington University says “Personality is not who you think you are, it's who you are.”

She says that we are more accurate in assessing our own internal, or neurotic trades, such as anxiety, while friends are better judges of intellect and related traits, such as intelligence and creativity.

So how do we figure out who we really are?

🔶 Astrology?

🔷 Myers Briggs?

🔶 DISC tests?

I've used an excellent tool called the Big 5 Personality Test. 👈

The test is a comprehensive personality assessment that I'm confident will leave you with a better understanding of who you are as a person.

The Big Five Personality Traits are a widely accepted model of personality in academic psychology. While there may be no limit to our personality variables, five key traits stand out:

✅ Conscientiousness

✅ Extroversion

✅ Openness

✅ Neuroticism

✅ Agreeableness

Understanding where we score, higher or low, in each trait can give us great insight into our own personality and help us understand others better. It can help us understand how we show up the way we do in at work, with friends, and in romantic relationships.

You shouldn't be shocked that the research also shows differences between men and women. 🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♀️

There are a number of Big Five Tests online.

Take the test and let us know how you score! 😉

Why do men and women over the age of 50 get divorced?

You may not be surprised that they rank these reasons in different orders...

An AARP survey asked over 1100 “gray divorcees” why they got divorced.

Here are the main reasons men gave:

🔹 They fell out of love without a specific cause
🔹 A tie between different values or lifestyle/wife was cheating
🔹 Verbal/Physical/Emotional abuse
🔹 Drug or alcohol abuse

Women ranked their reasons in this order:

🔸 Verbal/Physical/Emotional abuse
🔸 Drug or alcohol abuse
🔸 Husband was cheating
🔸 Different values or lifestyle
🔸 They fell out of love

Do prenups cause divorce? 🤔

Well, does home insurance cause your house to burn down?

I don’t think so.

A refresher: A prenuptial agreement is a written contract entered into by spouses before getting legally married. The content of a prenup can vary, but it commonly includes provisions for spousal support and details exactly what happens to the assets and liabilities in the event of divorce.

Historically prenups have been seen as the domain of the ultra-rich and celebrities and they've been stigmatized by the general population as unromantic.

In fact, prenups are more common than ever, a recent Harris poll found that 15% of Americans have signed a pre-nup, up from just 3% in 2010.

And 40% of those who signed one are between the ages of 18 and 34.

It’s a good idea to get an attorney to draw up your pre-nup. 💡

Steven Spielberg taught us a lesson when famously penned a prenup on a napkin with his first wife Amy Irving in 1985. Her lawyers were able to contest it after they divorced four years later, on grounds that her attorney wasn't present. She received a $100 million settlement as a result!

👉 I work with mid-late life “gray divorcees” before, during and after divorce. Let me help you establish the financial foundation for a meaningful life.

Sometimes you need to fight for alimony (spousal support).

For mid to late life “gray divorcees” it can be even more important:

▪ You may have enjoyed a marital lifestyle that took years to build.

▪ You have less time to rebuild your financial assets.

▪ You may find it more difficult re-entering the workforce.

▪ You need to plan for retirement income.

As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), I work with attorneys to produce a tool called a Lifestyle Analysis, the purpose of which is primarily to support your claim for spousal support. Sometimes the Lifestyle Analysis can uncover hidden sources of income or uncover hidden assets.

A Lifestyle Analysis essentially establishes your marital standard of living. It looks at the income and daily living expenses incurred during your marriage and the spending habits of you and your spouse.

A lifestyle analysis is an in-depth process which can involve tabulating, categorizing and analyzing thousands of transactions over the last three to five years of the marriage.

If you'd like to learn more, please reach out.

I work with mid-late life “gray divorcees” during and after divorce.
I help answer your questions, like:

🔶 Am I going to be OK?
🔷 How should I invest the funds I have after divorce?
🔶 How much longer will I have to work or will I have to go back to work?
🔷 When should I take social security?
🔶 How do taxes play into maximizing my retirement income?

Let me help you establish the financial foundation for a meaningful life.

One step at a time...

Do you worry that you're too old to get started on an ambitious venture?

Do you think your creation is so idiosyncratic, so weird, that the corporate cultural gatekeepers won't let you through?

I was reminded of these questions last evening while watching the Netflix documentary: Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen, A Journey, A Song.

The film follows Cohen’s story from his comfortable upbringing in Montreal's Westmount district through his career as a poet, novelist, musician, spiritual seeker, to his death in 2016. The program puts extra focus on his classic song Hallelujah, its long gestation, its impact and its notable interpretations.

I was surprised that Cohen filled notebooks with over a 100 verses of the song, which continued to metamorphose over the rest of his life.

Cohen didn't pursue a music career until he was 33 years old. I had to chuckle when he recounted the rejections he received from record companies, “Aren't you a little old for this?” they asked.

Seventeen years later, after proving doubters wrong and achieving international success, he presented a new album, Various Positions, to his record company Columbia Records. Hallelujah was one of the songs on the album.

Columbia Records head honcho Walter Yetnikoff didn't like the album and refused to release it. Cohen was distraught and forced to release the album on a small independent label. Fortunately, Bob Dylan, John Cale, and Jeff Buckley recognized the quality of the song, and it has since become an anthem.

I can't imagine that sort of thing happening today.

I mean, I can imagine a big record company, or film studio, or publishing conglomerate rejecting a brilliant artist.

That happens every day and will happen to the end of time.

The thing is, today we have the technology at our disposal to put our songs, our poems, our movies into the world.

Just be so good they can’t ignore you.

It's not easy, and we might be disappointed, but why not try?

At any age.

Getting out of your Comfort Zone #17

Once upon a time in a land far, far, away…

I was invited to appear on a local morning show to chat about financial tips for unmarried couples. Specifically, to opine on the wisdom of JLo and ARod doing business together while ‘a courtin’.

As you can see, I was dubious about their prospects, for a few reasons. Despite the hostess’s rush to defend JLo’s honor, turns out my intuition was correct.

I digress.

The point is that I received a call from a TV producer who knew someone who knew that I had just begun to give divorce education workshops. The producer thought I might usefully fill four minutes.

Now, I had never appeared on television before, well, not since the 11th grade when I starred in a high school debate broadcast on public access TV; an appearance notable only for my attempt to channel William F. Buckley, Jr.

Back to the present, my initial thought was to say no, nada, not a chance in Hades are you getting me on live television. But some synapse misfired in my brain and I said, “Sure, what do I have to do?”

Now I'm positive that if this question had been posed two years prior, I would have said no.

So what happened in the intervening two years?

🔸 I went through a crappy divorce in 2014-2015 (What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger).
🔹 I was determined to help people avoid the financial (and other mistakes) I made in divorce.
🔸 I decided to host live divorce workshops.
🔹 I thought: “I am (expletive deleted) scared of public speaking. I can’t host workshops.”
🔸 I took a Toastmasters course to become less scared of public speaking.
🔹 I adopted the mantra “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
🔸 Toastmasters works.
🔹 I realized how selfish it was of me to deprive the world of my gift (tongue firmly in cheek, people).

Soooo, when that TV Producer called, I had some momentum going and had begun to train myself to push the limits of my comfort zone.

Because we all know…

Wait for it…

Nothing great happens inside our comfort zone!

Turns out, my 4 minutes on Fox 5 went pretty well. But you can judge for yourself.

The reviews (my Facebook friends) were good, and Fox invited me back three more times. I can't remember what happened after that. I think there were protracted contract negotiations and they tried to tie me down to some sort of exclusivity agreement or long-term contract. I was having none of that. 😉

But the momentum kept rolling. Let it roll.

Feel the fear and do it anyway…

I work with mid-late life “gray divorcees” during and after divorce.

I help answer your questions, like:

🔶 Am I going to be OK?
🔷 How should I invest the funds I have after divorce?
🔶 How much longer will I have to work or Will I have to go back to work?
🔷 When should I take social security?
🔶 How do taxes play into maximizing my retirement income?

Let me help you establish the financial foundation for a meaningful life.

I always enjoy reading Arthur Brooks' columns.

Here he talks about the dangers of Work Addiction, how it can be a form of self medication, like drugs or alcohol.

But our society is much more tolerant of and even rewards the workaholic.

Work 16 hours a day?

What a gal! What a guy!

Give them a raise 🤑

How about encouraging them to take a vacation and lead a more balanced life?

But what is a balanced life? I'm not sure. Stay tuned to this channel for more meanderings on the subject!

The Hidden Link Between Workaholism and Mental Health Long hours on the job can temporarily ease the symptoms of depression and anxiety. But you’re better off leaving the office and facing your feelings head-on.

When you say no:

⚫ You won't be distracted from doing your best work.

🔴 You will feel empowered because you are taking a stand.

🔵 You won't burn out.

⚫ You respect the integrity of your YES.

🔴 You are taking care of yourself and nurturing your gift.

🔵 You double down on your commitment to your cause.

⚫ You set boundaries.

🔴 You are committing to balance in your life.

🔵 You fuel your creative impulse.

⚫ You are being honest.

It sure is funny how the mind and personality work. 🤔

I bought this poster at the Tate Gallery in London when I was 19 years old. It was probably the first time I ever went to an art gallery to look around by myself.

There were hundreds of posters to choose from and I bought this one, named Torino by Giorgio de Chirico.

Last week, I ordered the two books pictured in the comments below. Unbeknownst to me, a pure coincidence, both had de Chirico paintings on the cover and one, The Enigma of Arrival, is named after the painting itself.

The book's covers were a nice surprise but de Chirico has popped up on occasion in other places over the last 41 years, notably in the films of Michelangelo Antonioni, particularly L'Avventura, one of my favorites.

See the comments below for an illustration of the influence of de Chirico's desolate cityscapes on Antonioni.

Last year, Jackie and I booked a Mediterranean cruise, scheduled for this May. One of the stops is the Sicilian city of Taormina, the port of call which I am most excited to visit. I hope it's not overrun with thousands of White Lotus tourists. It was the setting for Season 2 of the popular HBO series.

It was also the setting for something much more significant, in 1960, the filming of L'Avventura. ❤

The now battered Tate poster followed me as I moved from Winnipeg to Victoria to Montreal to Mexico City to New York to Texas and finally (probably not, 😉) to Las Vegas. It hung in my office as recently as three years ago, and only came down when the office was completely refreshed. I think the poster is in the garage now. I hope.

Has any artist "stalked" your life like this?

Getting outside the comfort zone #37

I've always been afraid of snakes.🐍 They've always snuck up on me.

Once, as an innocent 5 year old, hammering nails into the dirt, (as 5 year-olds do, right?) this green monster just slid into my reverie. I jumped up and ran to my mom.

Or as a 12 year old, blowing up toy soldiers with firecrackers in the back yard (as 12 year-olds do right?). I looked up for an instant to see two beady black eyes staring at me, only two feet away. I jumped up and ran to my dad.

Or as a 58 year old, taking a leisurely stroll in the park (as 58 year-olds do, right?) having another deadly garter snake jump out of the grass and slide right in my path. I jumped up and ran to my wife.

So the other day in PetSmart, after petting an adorable kitty cat for a while (who we ended up taking home, btw 🐈 ) I perused the other animal aisles while the wife purchased a decade's worth of cat food. 🚛

I sauntered over to the snake aquarium. Or is it terrarium?

Anyway, I stood there for about 5 minutes, gritted my teeth and just studied the snake, writhing around on a branch.

I squirmed and shuddered but did not squeal. I played the snake scientist and inched closer to the glass, studying the specimen. I was really close now, about five feet away.

I'm no hero.

But I'll tell you one thing.

I feel about 10% better about snakes today. 🤔