Steeped in Hope Marriage and Family Therapy

So how does this work? First, you draw a doughnut. The doughnut hole is your circle of control. Notice that it is very small- it’s size is in relation to the things in your life or in a given situation that are completely under your control. The doughnut ring is the circle of influence. This represents things that you may not have total control over but you can ask, encourage, gather information about or otherwise potentially influence.

If you’ve worked with me for any length of time, you’ve seen me whip out this extremely crude and now kind of crumpled picture of the circle of control and the circle of influence. I use it in my personal life, this drawing was actually a result of using it with my husband, and I teach it to clients All. The. Time. It’s a helpful tool to help you refocus your thoughts, feelings, and energy and take note of what must be let go.

When anxiety or overwhelm strikes and we start feeling out of control there are a plethora of breathing techniques and grounding techniques that can help you come back to baseline physiologically and, for some, that’s enough, but for an entire other subset of people that leaves them calmer but still thinking “now what?”. This is where the circle of influence versus the circle of control comes into use.

If the state of the world is freaking you out, you’re not alone. When you’re feeling the overwhelm, remind yourself that the systems are doing what they are designed to do and you have a choice with how you engage and participate with them. Because there is information available at all times does not mean that you need to take the information in at all times. You are allowed to opt in and out as fits your wellbeing. If you’re struggling with processing the state of the world and find that it’s impacting your mental health, click the button below and let’s have a conversation.

Seek out social supports. Sometimes you need to get out of the global and get connected with the local. This can take numerous forms. Two that stand out are connecting with friends to do something that is just for fun and gets you out of thinking about the state of the world. Even in the challenging times, accessing joy for joy’s sake is important. The other that stands out is getting involved in a cause for your local community. The overwhelm of the world can make many of us feel useless. Like we can’t make a difference. Getting involved in your local community in something that is important to you is a way to feel like you have the ability to enact change.

One way that you can be intentional about your media is by time boxing. When you’re engaging with something nerve wracking- like the news- give that specific space. Maybe you choose to read one to two outlets rundowns twice a day (there are many platforms that offer these, NYT The Morning, Skimm, the donut are all options) and choose to not get push notifications or otherwise follow news outlets. Maybe you enjoy watching the news, you could time box by choosing to watch one broadcast at a time of day that makes sense for you. Giving yourself limitations of how you’re engaging with this information keeps your from being bombarded with repeated “BREAKING NEWS” that isn’t really breaking but is designed to keep your cortisol high or from doom-scrolling.

Given that neither the internet nor the 24 hour news cycle are going anywhere. What can we do about the level of overwhelm being experienced? First, work to be intentional about the media you’re taking in. In conversation with others, it’s not uncommon to talk about the corners of the internet the algorithm has seen fit to place you in. Pay attention to how you feel in those spaces. Are you feeling more anxious? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you calmed? Are you numb? Are you scared? Are you happy? If it’s trending negatively, reteach the algorithm. You do not have to stay in the corners it’s relegated to you. Follow more of what brings you actual joy, peace, or reassurance. Give yourself the opportunity to opt in to things that make you feel more concerned, scared, or anxious in a way that fits your needs rather than being bombarded by that information in a way that you’re unprepared. (I want to be clear here, I’m not suggesting that you become uninformed, I am suggesting that you become informed in a way that supports your mental health).

Let’s start with the neuroscience of this brand of overwhelm. We now live in a very interconnected, global, society. In many ways this is really cool! We get to engage in levels of cultural exchange never before able to be obtained. This is also totally counter to how our brains were designed. Our brains were designed to take in the information of an individual village level community and happenings therein. When we try to take in all of the happenings, positive and negative, of an interconnected, global, community, we literally don’t have the brain space to engage meaningfully in all aspects of that. So, while we’re not necessarily living in a more violent or more uncertain time in comparison with previous generations, with the rise of the internet and the 24 hour news cycle, we do have more access. An individual person can now take in global uncertainties where generations previously may have only had access to uncertainties in one country, one state, one town, or one family.

We’re living in a time that feels overwhelming. There’s violence on multiple fronts both global and local. There is still an upcoming federal election with long reaching consequences. Social justice issues are rightfully getting the attention that they have desperately needed for generations and highlighting serious issues underlying our society. Infrastructure seems to be crumbling. All of this can be very challenging for a given person to take in all at once. So what do we do when the state of the world is freaking us out?

Just like a real life bank account, you want your balance to be in the positive. Zero or negative is not a good space for you or for your relationship. Emotionally speaking, when the account is in the positive, you and your partner may feel connected, loving, calm, willing to give the benefit of the doubt, and like your relationship has an ease about it. When the account is in the negative, you and your partner may feel: sad, disconnected, as thought you’re growing apart, lonely, unwilling to give benefit of the doubt, and like your relationship is just hard.

The emotional bank account refers to the ratio of positive to negative interactions that couples have. Positive interactions typically describe turning toward your partner’s bids for connection while negative ones generally describe turning away from your partner’s bid for connection. It can also describe kind things that you do or rituals of connection that you engage in versus asking something from your partner that they don’t really want to do or give. It does not have to be a fight or be explosive to be a withdrawal from the emotional bank account.

To create deposits in your partner’s emotional bank account, you can:
· tell your partner something you appreciate about them
· Listen to your partner, empathize with them, and validate their feelings
· Support one another’s dreams
· Be mindful of your partner’s bids for connection and do your best to turn towards them rather than turning away from them
· In an effort to do the above, manage your technology. It’s rare that any of us feel connected when there are phones between us.
· Work to address an issue without blaming your partner. This invites your partner to join you in the conversation and not become defensive.
· Spend time being affectionate with one another
· Ask questions to clarify or show interest in what your partner is saying.
There are a million ways to carry out all of the above, the most important thing is that you’re keeping the emotional bank account top of mind and doing your best to actually do them.

If withdrawals are easy to make in your account, how can you make deposits in your account to boost that ratio? Like making real money, it takes doing, BUT it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. (Again, everyone loves Lloyd Dobler, not everyone needs to raise a boombox over their head outside of their beloved’s window). .

Positive interactions typically describe turning toward your partner’s bids for connection while negative ones generally describe turning away from your partner’s bid for connection. Ideally, when things are good in your relationship, you’d like to have a ratio of 20:1 in your emotional bank account, or 20 positive experiences for every 1 negative experience. When things are tense or not so great in your relationship, accounting for that tension that already exists, you still want to have a balance of 5:1 or 5 positive experiences to every 1 negative experience.

This week’s post touches on a concept that I just LOVE sharing with couples and, truly, any client because it’s such a great mental image and easy to understand and apply: Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account. The emotional bank account refers to the ratio of positive to negative interactions that couples have.

Boundaries can be challenging before you ever begin to communicate them, but once you’ve identified them you can set them with a smile. Remember, you’re not doing this to punish anyone, you’re doing this to have a positive relationship. You can say “you know, I don’t think I’m comfortable talking about that” which owns your own position. It’s not about the other party, it’s about you and where you feel safe. If boundaries are a challenge for you, click the button below and let’s start the conversation.

At the beginning of this, we talked about how healthy boundaries have a degree of flexibility to them. How might you determine where that flexibility is warranted or not? I like to tell people that your flexibility is to be earned. The way that that flexibility is earned is through the degree of emotional safety that a relationship provides. For many people, more emotional safety typically equates to a greater degree of flexibility in their boundaries while less emotional safety connects to a lesser degree of flexibility. In most relationships, you still don’t want to bleed out into rigid or diffuse boundaries because there is still a line not to be crossed and there is still an amount of information and care that you want to flow back out.

Identifying your boundaries can be a bit of a challenge when you haven’t taken the time for self-reflection. A first place to start is to take stock of the times that you’ve felt disrespect or as though your boundaries have been violated. Look at where you thought the line was and where you felt it was crossed. This is a good indicator of where your boundaries are generally speaking. Are there topics that are on or off limits for you? Are there ways that you want your time to be respected? Are there conditions under which you’ll have a positive experience. All of those may inform your boundaries in given situations.