Danielle Bruns, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Preventative care can be complex or as simple as "babe, I know this event isn't your favorite. How are you feeling about going tonight?"

Maintenance can be complex or as simple as "how was work?"

Care for injuries can be complex or as simple as "whoops, I'm sorry, I know how much that bothers you. My bad!"

You're likely at the peak of your confidence in your relationship and that's absolutely amazing!

This is a GREAT time to lay the groundwork that will allow you to continue to build, reach new highs and sustain the connectedness you are feeling.

The number of sessions completely varies, however, couples can benefit from as few as 6-8 sessions.

As we learn more about human psychology and biology, we learn more and more about how OUR WIRING IS RELATIONAL.

Consider working with this concept in the pursuit of your goal. Tap into your wiring by bringing people alongside you in the process.

For many, including others can be scary. You can start small.

Some ideas:
- Read about about others who are dealing with the same thing
- Listen to TED talks on it
- Share something with a trusted friend that's just a little bit more vulnerable than what you usually share.
- Support groups
- Therapy.
Just move toward connection.

Our past experiences with relationships can create walls that block us from the intimacy we seek. It's not intentional, it can be automatic and even at its root is an effort to protect yourself. But these can be destructive, blinding you and draining the joy of your relationships. If you find patterns of feeling disconnected from the ones you want to love the most, welcome to the club, it has plenty of members. BUT decide to work through it, decide to put in place what you need to make deep, meaningful contact with the safe people in your life.

Hats off to you who are trying to look inward and understand.

Hats off to you who are trying to have courage to try something new.

Hats off to you who are trying to blaze a new trail.

Hats off to you those who are supporting you in this cause.

There is hope.

It would be nice, but our issues don't disappear in the dark.
Instead, they just become things we trip over because we have robbed ourselves of the awareness we need to navigate through it.

You don't need to look at all your stuff at once or address every single minor issue. BUT you need to learn to identify and aim at the issues that are central, the ones that keep repeating, the things you know are robbing you from healthy connections and a healthy sense of self.

BUT don't look at your stuff alone, it can bring up shame and fear. Instead, invite a trusted person into the process with you.

Ugh, it's hard to acknowledge growth areas!
It's scary. It's especially scary if having growth areas equates to being less valuable.

This thought process is lethal because it slowly cuts off your connection to the help you need to grow and robs you of the life you want. It's ok to have growth areas, seek the help you need.

We all have them!
Therapists have growth areas.
Couples have growth areas.
Parents have growth areas.
Humans have growth areas.

FIRST, If your relationship is struggling, I hope you address it for yourself. It is important to understand that we are profoundly affected by our relationships, especially our most intimate ones.

SECOND, Recognize that your relationship with your partner extends farther out than the two of you. When you care for your relationship, you strengthen your ability to be there for your children in ways that will benefit them.

THIRD, you can care for your relationship even in divorce. This concept doesn't expire if you and your partner have separated.

In the chaos that can sometimes be your relationship, work toward showing up for your partner when they are communicating pain and show up for yourself when you feel pain.

It is a worthy investment to start building an arena that is safe to hear and be heard. It can help secure your connection.

We plan meticulously for our trips.
We prepare endlessly for important events.

When two people plan to do their ENTIRE lives together, sharing big and small decisions together, PREPARATION IS HEALTHY.

Even before you commit to forever, therapy is a tool that can help you learn about yourself and your partner to build a strong connection and learn how to sustain it over time. If nothing else, early therapy in your relationship can set a precedent that your relationship can need help and still be valuable. It can also create a safety associated with change and growth in the relationship.

If you're feeling stuck in your relationship it might be because you have been given tools that are destructive (the person who gave you these was probably doing the best they could) but you are not beyond repair.

I hope you experience the satisfying intimacy you seek. I nerd out about therapy because it's a place of insight and tools that can help you get there. I hope you try it.

WHY? John Gottman highlights that our brain keeps the unresolved in the forefront. We don't revisit old wounds to trigger pain, we revisit to ...

1) work through so we are not blocked from the positive experiences happening with our partner right in front of us.

2) to identify changes that can be made to avoid wounds in the future.

TIMING - The sooner you address the issue the less wreckage that it will cause for your relationship. BUT it’s never too late.

Not EVERY bump and bruise needs to be addressed and not EVERY couple HAS TO do this to be healthy. BUT there is enough to suggest the value of a pause to ask yourself "is that wound blocking my ability to fully experience the beauty of my partner?"

For some couples, you feel equipped to do this together. For others, you want more support. There are many ways to work through and among them is inviting a couples therapist into your mix.

Sunshine and daisies will likely not be present when you are talking about something important with your partner. In fact, for many of us, these discussions unearth the worst in us.

The aim is not to be peaceful and angelic, but it is to remain calm. This isn't for show, but instead it is for yourself and it is for your relationship. Without an effort to remain calm, you'll be selling yourself and your partner short in the interaction.

In a state of anger and panic, you physiologically lose capacity. When you are talking to your partner, pay attention to your heart rate, your muscle tension and your breathing. These will give you clues that you need to calm yourself down before continuing.

Your child’s traits probably jump out at you. You have the power to help your child learn about themselves.

You can help them develop words for themselves, name their preferences, their strengths and some of the things that are hard for them. You can help them boldly embrace who they are and help them learn how to display that self in ways that lead to healthy relationships.

Instead of labeling your children as "bossy" help them understand their ability to lead and how to express that in healthy ways.

To the person who is buried in their missteps and has lost touch with their own beauty.

Your commitment to taking responsibility for your mistakes is honorable (and healthy), but you’re doing that, SO LET SOME LIGHT IN. Let yourself see your beauty again.

“I don’t’ know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” -John Green.

It might seem ridiculous to expect that repeating a statement could help you with that overwhelming sadness or gripping state of fear. It feels at first like a tacky bumper sticker. BUT a phrase that fits for you can....

- Help you survive difficult moments
- Build a new way of interacting with your circumstances
- Work against unhealthy relationship patterns
- Help you change how you treat yourself.

We call these coping statements. Find yours.

ANXIETY. You can't see it, but you can FEEL IT.

For this reason, it can be a very lonely experience. You can feel and be misunderstood by those you love. You are not alone in what you feel. Anxiety is common and when you hide anxiety it multiples and creates an endless list of fears.

If you struggle with anxiety, seek a therapist to help you develop tools to address it. Join a therapy group so you don't have to feel so alone. Or talk to a friend you think might be able to understand.

Follow yourself around for a day and notice what you water most. Our attention has a power that can strengthen the healthy or the unhealthy areas of ourselves and our lives.

1. What do you want to grow in your life?
2. What has grown that has created an unhealthy presence?

Love yourself in this question and let others support you in it.

Unfortunately, we are all familiar with our ability to damage and be damaged by others.

It is a glimmer of hope to recognize
that we have an equal power
to heal each other.

Who breathes healing into you? For those who can name many, I hope you draw closer to these connections. For those who have none, I hope you know that you deserve these connections. A great place to start finding these connections can be through individual therapy or group therapy.

I hope you find your own voice.
I hope you give yourself permission to know yourself.
It’s a beautiful thing to know yourself and be known by others.

One of the elements of therapy that I find most amazing is the freedom the space gives you to be honest with yourself and work through to authentic and healthy decisions for you.

Start simple. It doesn't have to be complex to be helpful.

1. Decide what you want to track (anxiety/sadness/anger/relationship distress)
2. Score it on a 1-10 scale daily or weekly.
3. Decide where to track it.
- put it as an event on your calendar so you can see the month overview
- Put it in the notes on your phone
- voice memo it
- take a picture or make a video

Learn to show up for yourself. You need YOU.

Children don't need perfect parents.
Children need parents who are responsive to them.
Children need parents who acknowledge the moments where they made mistakes. Parents who say "oh, I misunderstood you didn't, I?"

Power forward to be the best parent you can be for your children (they need you even if they don't seem like it!), hold boundaries for your children and along the way remember that your kids need your connection more than they need your perfection.

You're the wrong species to expect perfection, but you're the right species to learn and grow. Dedicate your energy to learning and changing. Perfectionism breeds anxiety and depression. Inaction also breeds anxiety and depression. Between the two lies commitment to learning and changing. That's the sweet spot.

I love using Gottman Therapy tools with my couples. They are easy to understand and help you make quick changes to improve the quality of your relationship.