Held and Heard Therapy

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We often treat anxiety like it is our enemy, but if we can learn to welcome it as a friend, our anxiety can serve us in so many ways.

The first step in befriending our anxiety is paying attention to it and understanding its function. Anxiety in its purest form is a protective emotion. So, often the function of our anxiety is to keep us safe, both emotionally and physically.

Yet, sometimes our anxiety has a faulty alarm system. It screams at us to run far far away (from a relationship, a job, a passion), when there is no real threat present. It gets ahead of us. It blurs past and current experiences. And it ends up sabotaging our lives by getting in the way of what we truly want.

If we can recognize the protective function of our anxiety and respond to it with empathy, understanding, and gratitude, you will notice it shrink away. We can then learn to RESPOND to the trigger instead of reacting from a place of anxiety and panic.
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Sometimes we forget that it’s not just babies and young children that are entitled to their needs. In fact, we often reject the idea that, as adults, we are still allowed to have needs of our own. So, when we feel a need come up, we quickly push it away or try to meet that need on our own, rarely asking for anything from anyone.

The thing is, we weren’t made to be completely self-sufficient. We WERE made to be in relationship with one another. We were made to be in deep, vulnerable relationships with one another where the exchange of needs happened organically. However, along the way someone set an expiration date on having needs: someone said to “grow up” and “stop relying on others” and we took it too far. Now, the mere thought of having to ask for a need to be met is terrifying. It feels like your setting your relationship up for failure, like it’s going to somehow make you too needy or too much and the people you love most are going to walk away.

Really though, if asked in the right way, the people who truly matter will find it a privilege to meet those needs. They’ll find it a privilege because, as humans, we naturally want to feel valuable in relationships - we want to feel like we are contributing to the other person’s happiness in some way or another. By asking directly for our needs to be met, we are taking the guessing game out of the equation.

In some seasons of life, you will have more to give (more energy, time, resources) than you need. In other seasons, you will find yourself needing much more than you usually do. In either case, you are allowed to have needs AND ask for them to be met. You are allowed to lean on others without fearing that you will become burdensome. You are allowed to advocate for your very VALID human needs - your need for connection, for resources, for support, for guidance, for friendship, for camaraderie, for a listening ear, for a hug, and so on.

You DO NOT need to live your life feeling deprived out of fear that your needs will be too much.

You are not needy. You are human.
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How incredible is it that days are distinctly separated by a period of darkness and an innate need for rest?

It is my belief that there is a reason why the world works in this way. A reason beyond survival, and the Earth’s rotation.

I believe that the universe or a higher power is offering us a chance to start new. By dimming the lights and pulling the curtains at the end of each day, they are allowing for a new scene to begin. A scene with a different setting and a different outlook, while still a part of the same overall story (your life story).

Take a moment to honor the curtains that were pulled last night. Allow this new day to offer you a fresh outlook, a newfound motivation, and a spirit of forgiveness in your relationships. Do not allow regret or sorrow to pollute the entirety of today. If only just for five minutes, give yourself the opportunity to fall in love with today by noticing (and sometimes SEARCHING for) the small treasures that are hidden throughout.

With gratitude,
Your Therapist Friend
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Emotional expression is not weakness.
Emotional expression is not weakness.
Emotional expression is not weakness.

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A day late, but still relevant. Uncertainty of what lies ahead can pollute our mentality by breeding fear and an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. As with COVID, this election has caused most of our nation (both democrats & republicans) to live in an uncomfortable place of uncertainty and fear.

In battling this dynamic duo, focus on what you can control as opposed to dwelling on what you can’t. You CANT change the past or single-handedly manipulate the future, and you CANT speed up the polls. However, you CAN spread kindness and extend patience to others during this stressful time. You CAN remain curious about your opposing side’s views, even though you may disagree. You CAN take deep breaths and do something nice for yourself as self care. You CAN move forward in your career and focus on the relationships around you that matter. You CAN choose to have a positive mindset in moving forward with your country, regardless of the outcome.

Have a S P 🕸🕸K Y Halloween, friends!
Let your inner child come out and play tonight 🖤🕷☠️
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To truly love + be loved by another person is perhaps the most vulnerable task that we will face in our lifetimes.
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To love + be loved requires COURAGE. We must open our hearts to another in a way that allows that person to truly see us, to truly know us, and to truly love us.
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To love + be loved, we must let our walls down. Walls that have protected us for days, months, and sometimes even years. Walls that were intended to separate us from sadness, pain, and hurt. Walls that have protected us from incredibly damaging messages as children - messages of being unworthy and unwanted. Walls that have safely kept everyone at a distance, so as not to be able to hurt us.
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To love + be loved, we must let another person come into our safe zone and, in doing so, we risk it becoming unsafe. We risk judgement, criticism, and rejection.
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To love + be loved, we must face immense fear, BUT we also get to experience the fullness + joy that comes with being completely accepted. Just as we are. Without a filter. Without a facade. And without a wall to hide our imperfections behind.
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Keep moving courageously ahead, friends. Allow yourself to fully love + be loved. You deserve it.
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With care, Your Therapist Friend 🖤
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Hi friends! This is me, Nicole C. Zens, LMFT. You can call me Nicole, or as my family calls me, Coco. I am the owner and founder of Held and Heard Therapy, but more importantly I am imperfectly human, just like you. I am here to bring a little piece of reality & a whole lot of empathy to a social media platform that’s filled with highlight reels and social comparisons. I hope you will follow me and join me in being imperfectly human 🖤

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