Dr. Ben Culhane

I hope this message finds you in good spirits. Recently, I stumbled upon a fascinating podcast that delves into one of the intricate dances of relationships, specifically focusing on the challenges couples often face in maintaining intimacy over time. I thought it would be wonderful to share some of the key insights from this conversation and offer my own perspective as a couple’s therapist. Feel free to read more about it here: https://drbenculhane.com/exploring-intimacy-a-therapists-perspective/

This project got me thinking about Intimacy in general and the different aspects of intimacy. So I decided to do a 5-piece exploration into the different types of intimacy that couples can strengthen. Stay tuned for this 5 part series!

Dr. Ben Culhane Talks About Navigating Financial Issues In Your Relationship -

Dr. Ben Culhane Talks About Navigating Financial Issues In Your Relationship Helping others live the life they want and feel better is one of my passions. Guiding men and women on the path to becoming the person they have always hoped to be is why I am here.

True intimacy in a relationship is, yes, about physical compatibility and attraction…but equally important is the necessary emotional connection to make it all work. When ANY level of intimacy is off track, it can make relationships very difficult to navigate and rock commitment to its core.
https://drbenculhane.com/2021/10/05/10-ways-to-boost-relationship-intimacy/

10 Ways to Boost Relationship Intimacy - Dr. Ben Culhane True intimacy in a relationship is about physical compatibility and attraction…but equally important is the necessary emotional connection to make it all work. Learn how to boost your relationship intimacy.

Having difficult conversations takes courage and courage implies fear otherwise, we would call it something else. Instead of giving the silent treatment or complaining or yelling, get clear about what you want/need, then, when inviting or responding to the other person…be willing to ask for it!

https://drbenculhane.com/2021/08/24/have-courageous-conversations-not-emotional-manipulations/

Have Courageous Conversations Not Emotional Manipulations | Dr. Ben Culhane No matter what personality characteristic you are dealing with and regardless of who it may be with, stay aware that your goal in having difficult conversations is to reduce conflict and get your constructive message across.

We can often be misunderstood in relationship. We can feel like we are being put in the hot seat or our actions are being questioned.

If your intentions are pure and kindly, there is no need for explanation.

You're relationship is not the jungle. it's not a place either of you have to prove yourselves to one another. it's not the place where you need to be right or the best or the strongest or the most perfect. It's not the place that you have to fight for being important to each other.
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You're relationship is the container within which you grow, nourish one another and become the human beings you were meant to be.
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Nurture one another!

It can be so common for an argument to go awry. When we feel upset and angry and hurt and alone and disconnected, it can be overwhelming. We can search for anything to find an anchor in the storm--even if that is blaming or criticizing or calling or judging our lover for everything they have ever done that activates us in the moment. The flood of emotion and memories can put us into altered consciousness and doesn't truly and consciously say what we mean.

If this can happen to you or your partner, one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your relationship is to work on whatever origin those triggers come from.

If your lover criticizes you like your mother used you, If your partner doesn't understand you just like your father didn't, there is work for both of you--not just your partner learning to communicate better.

We all bring relational baggage from the past to our present relationships. If you or your partner, or both, need help with how your present moment can get derailed because the past shows in the moment, give me a call. 949.903.5753

Create a deep and intimate connection with your vulnerability. For if you can't be honest within yourself about how you truly feel, you can't be honest with another.

Have you found your purpose? How do you find meaning in your life in a way that sustains you day after day?

Your purpose in life is not what your friends or family have told you to do. It does not come from something outside of yourself. It is not chasing money to be successful, that is fear of failure. Nothing wrong with enjoying financial success, but it is not your purpose, rather potentially a means to your purpose.

Where what you see in the world breaks your heart, YOURS, that is your purpose. What will you do about it?

If you want to be in integrity, it requires radical honesty with yourself.

If you say "yes" and want to say "no," you are out of integrity with yourself. If you find yourself at a party or place or engaging people you don't care for, you are out of integrity with yourself.

When you start living authentically and being true to yourself, your life will change. Others may fade from your life. Others may appear. What is true, though, is that things will change.

Embrace yourself and embrace the change.

What are you afraid of losing?

Your freedom? Your independence? Your sense that you're "right." Your image and how another perceives you?

When we get into an argument with our partner and become defensive. First, notice that you have become activated, find that energy in your body (even if it's in your head). Then slow down and listen to it. What is it afraid will happen if you don't verbally defend yourself. Once you get clear on that, practice letting go of the fear. It's all in your mind anyway.

There is an art to being misunderstood, to allowing others their own perception of you even if you see yourself differently.

Some of our most powerful life lessons come from when we felt we wanted to be in a different place.
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Sometimes just slowing down, taking a look around to see where you are and get in touch with where you want to be is the wisest solution. It may take some time to get where you want to go, so cultivate some patience along the journey. It's lifelong.

One of the most difficult instances to master in relationship is allowing another their own opinion and experience, especially when it is not your experience or how you see it.
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At times we want to feel connected so badly that we argue and try to get our partner to see it our way. That protest is you seeking connection where a connection may not exist. That's ok. Allow and move on, knowing that there is a deeper foundation upon which your partnership is based.

As a mature adult, you are responsible for getting your needs met. What strategy do you use?

Do you play win/win?

As one of my favorite teachers says:
S*x is not something you do, rather it is a place you go.
S*x is so many things. It's fun, it's nurturing, it's pleasurable, it's both powerful and surrendering, it's reassuring, it's spritual, it's connecting, it's cosmic, comforting and curious, it's vulnerable, it's playful and erotic. And so much more!
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What are the places you like to go with your lover!

What do you want to grow into?
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What's your plan to become that person?
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Whatever it is, I encourage you to make it conscious and develop the discipline to do the work to make it happen.

Our Western society has placed taboos and restrictions on our bodies and our s*xual experience .of them. From a very young age we are taught to cover our bodies, not to talk about or touch our ge****ls. Mothers and or fathers may push our little hands away when we touch our p***s or v***a. they may even have said, in a tone your nervous system registered as threatening, "Don't do that!" or "That's not good." Unless you were parented by incredibly conscious parents, it is likely that you were made to feel ashamed or "bad" for experiencing the exquisite sensations of the body. Sensation is one of the first forms of communication with ourselves and others.

Instead of fighting with your partner. Fight for your relationship.

Pain is necessary.
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Glennon Doyle in her memior, Untamed, writes:
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"Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. That is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process. Having such little faith in myself that I numb or hide or consume my way out of my fiery feelings again and again. So my goal is to stop abandoning myself—and stay. To trust that I’m strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to the process of becoming. Because what scares me a hell of a lot more than pain is living my entire life and missing my becoming. What scares me more than feeling it all is missing it all."
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Feel everything. If we numb out or go into our heads to avoid the pain, we are not alive. We're dying.

We are all on our own personal journeys. Who we chose to become a part of that journey and the depth with which we invite those people is our choice. Each of you in the relationship is responsible for how you show up on that journey. You are not responsible for you partner's emotional growth. I would argue that your partner's growth is none of your business (a hard and difficult part to learn on my journey).

One of the greatest gifts you can give your parnter is being available to them when he or she is experiencing something emotionally difficult. Being available is being present, actively listening, empathizing, showing compassion and even sharing the emotional burden.

Just because one partner wants to clear a charge with the other partner doesn't mean it has to be cleared in that exact moment. The ability to hold the tension is a gift to your relationship. The ability to revisit the rupture and work through a disagreement or painful moment in a safe space is also a gift to your relationship. Be generous to your relationship and treat it like something that is important to you.

Do you box yourself in?

Let the world adapt around you and what you want. Stop hiding yourself and conforming to what you been told to believe. Stop playing small so that others around you don't feel bad.

You do you!

Be your inherent self, not what you have inherited from the world.

What you focus on grows.

Learn to become conscious about your growth. If you want a better relationship, practice loving and sharing your gifts with each other. It will be messy sometimes and you might want to throw in the towel.

Understandable. It's frustrating!

Even Picasso painted over the canvas and created something new, BUT he stayed with the same canvas to master the art!

At the beginning of a relationship, some couples can feel like they've found the person that can make them whole, be that Jerry McQuire moment and "complete" them.

That somehow this person will love them and take care of them better than anyone else, even their parents. Partners can find themselves playing into exactly what the other person is lacking emotionally, something they they didn't get from Mommy and Daddy--but right here, right now, they are giving it in spades.

The showering of attention or protection or independence and freedom almost feels like it will erase the past and what each person did not get, but clearly needed then--and now.

There is a reason that partners like this choose each other. To unconsciously heal the wounds inside of them.

Unless each partner of the couple turns the unconscious projection into a conscious understanding, they are likely doomed to be disappointed when this partner shows up as human, flaws and all and is unable to be the ideal partner they are longing for.

That is the fantasy bond and cycle of idealization, devaluation and discard when they don't live up to expectation.

Your partner cannot be what your parents couldn't, and they are not responsible to heal you. That's your job, to do the work to be the functioning adult rather than the wounded child.

How do you nourish your partner?

Trying to change someone is manipulation. It's you wanting something different and shaping and cajoling and controlling to get what you want to have happen.

Wanting to see someone grow requires nourishment and encouragement, and allowing that person to bend, reach and struggle to attain the growth of their desire.

Food for thought.

What are you afraid of?

Being hurt? Being with a partner who doesn't use your love language? Having a partner with different spiritual beliefs than yours? Having a partner who doesn't like s*x?

Get clear on what you want and then trust yourself enough to know when you've found it.