Wesley Bell, LPC

Big welcome to the show, Wesley Bell (Alley’s husband)!
Wesley has a wide range of clients that he enjoys working with. He is trained in EMDR, which is a trauma-focused therapy. He enjoys seeing clients heal their past traumas and find new growth in their life. He is also trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and really enjoys utilizing this model with couples. He’s also an equine therapist and loves combining his love for horses, healing, and therapy.
Call or email Wesley Bell –
(662) 380-5110 or [email protected]

Click here to listen: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/living-out-loud-with-alley-amanda/id1441486422?i=1000651055726

How can I help someone who is grieving?

Grief can be a challenging and messy process. It can be intimidating for people in the midst of it and those who are trying to support those grieving.

If you find yourself supporting someone who is grieving, I want you to remember the acronym B.O.A.T.

First, I want you to imagine the grieving person in a row boat floating down a stream. The job of the supporting person is to simply get into the boat with the person. Do not grab the oars and start rowing frantically!! Just get into the boat and float with them at their pace. You may only be in the boat for a short time before someone else steps in, but take courage and get in with them when they cross your path.

After you are now in the boat with the person, remember the acronym B.O.A.T.

Be.
Open.
Attentive.
Thoughtful.

The first is BE. That's it. Just be there. Do not overthink it and let your presence do most of the work. Community is key in any difficult circumstance.

The next is OPEN. In the midst of grief, openness from another person is healing. If the person is sad, be open to the sadness. If they are angry, be open to that emotion. If they want to talk about the person or thing they have lost, be open to that. If you find yourself closing and self protecting from the person's experience, take a step back and realize this is not your emotion and it is not your job to rescue them from the grieving process.

The third is ATTENTIVE. It is helpful for those around the person grieving to be attentive. This is all about awareness. What are you noticing? Has your loved one eaten in few hours? Is there anything tangible that would be helpful? Is it close to a holiday that may be hard? The attentiveness provides the knowledge that can be utilized in the next step of thoughtfulness.

The fourth is THOUGHTFUL. The act of being thoughtful is close to empathy. In this step, utilize what you have learned by being attentive and put it into action. If you can cook, cook a meal. If the kids need to be picked up from school, ask and then do that. If you notice the person grieving has limited access to community, provide a listening ear and point them to other forms of care like counseling or a grief support group. Don't overwhelm yourself. Just find one or two things and do them.

My hope is that this will help provide some concrete steps to a process that can be very difficult.

Take a few breaths and get into the boat.

Check out this episode! I had the privilege of being on the Living Out Loud podcast.

‎Living Out Loud with Alley and Amanda: Special Guest #109- Wesley Bell on Apple Podcasts ‎Show Living Out Loud with Alley and Amanda, Ep Special Guest #109- Wesley Bell - Apr 1, 2024

"There is nothing with which every man is so afraid as getting to know how enormously much he is capable of doing and becoming." - Soren Kierkegaard

Have you considered lately what you are becoming?

It is very easy to not take the time to really ponder what it is we are becoming or what we are capable of doing. Sometimes taking a look at self is difficult. The fear can be intense and keep us stuck.

It may seem that the barriers that have to be moved in order to actually change are impossible, and the fear has now become your normal operating system.

If this resonates with you, you aren't alone. If you feel that you are stuck and no longer in the process of becoming, ask yourself these two questions:

1. What do I fear the most in making changes?

2. If this fear did not exist, what are the next two steps I would take?

After you have answered these two questions, I want you to answer a third.

3. If I took these next two steps, where would I be 3 months from now?

If you engaged in this short thought exercise, I want you to make plans to actually take those two steps. Place the fear to the side for a time and challenge yourself to get back on the path to becoming.

Cognitive Distortion #4: Overgeneralization

I once worked with a client who had developed a very passionate interest in tennis. He began playing regularly and really enjoyed learning the mechanics of the game and the exercise it provided. We would check-in regularly on how his progress was going with his newfound interest and he always seemed to light up when we discussed it. One session he came in and informed me that he had quit playing tennis altogether. I inquired as to why he changed his mind so drastically and he then told me of a recent match that had not gone well. The client explained how badly he had played and how embarrassed he was in front of his peers. He concluded, “I always mess up good things, and I am never going to be good at tennis.” I understood his frustration toward having an off match, but to conclude he was never going to be good and that he always messes up good things lacked proper evidence.

We call this type of thinking error overgeneralization. When this type of thinking occurs, it predicts the future and many other instances based off of an isolated event. The issue with this is that one incident cannot predict the future of every subsequent event. This thinking error causes a number of emotional responses that are unfavorable. The use of absolute language like always and never produces anxiety toward future events and can also fuel depressive symptoms.

Quick Tip: We all are guilty of this type of thinking as human beings. One way to reframe this thought pattern is to first acknowledge exactly what you are feeling that has caused this thought response. Have you been working hard and now feel defeated because of a bad performance? It is perfectly normal to feel defeated. Once it is identified, accept that you feel this way. After accepting that initial response, ask yourself, “Is this thought 100% true?” Try to find some exceptions to the absolute language. You will typically be able to find some exceptions to the overgeneralization. Then you can think more clearly about the future.

As for my client mentioned above, we talked through it several times and he came to realize that he had overreacted to his bad performance and has gone on to enjoy tennis once more. He’s actually very good at it. He would have missed out on a future he enjoys due to overgeneralization. Don’t get trapped by this thought error. You may be missing out on something good in your life.

Cognitive Distortion #3: “Should Statements”

I was sitting in a pastor’s office a few years ago and he said, “Wesley, stop “shoulding” on yourself.” It shocked me because I had never heard the statement and I initially thought he was cursing at me. Now that I have learned more about cognitive distortions, I know exactly where the statement comes from. He was essentially telling me to stop thinking with so many “should statements.”

This cognitive distortion is pretty self-explanatory. It is easy to think with should statements. We can find ourselves thinking this way when certain things do not turn out as we had hoped. “I should have done better on that test,” or “I should have made more cookies for the event.” Another one I see often is, “I shouldn’t be feeling angry about this situation.” It can also be directed at others. “He should have been more understanding,” or “She should have been more helpful.” What this can create is guilt and shame when directed at self and anger and frustration when directed toward others.

Quick Tip: Most cognitive distortions can be lessened by using what is called “reframing.” This simply means reframing the way in which you are currently thinking. For should statements, a good reframe is changing the should to could or would. For example, “I could have done better on the test.” This leads you to future thinking where a goal can be set, and the guilt can be lessened. When directed at others, it is ok to desire something from someone, but coming back to the reality that you have no control over others is important. “It would have been nice for him to be more understanding.” This acknowledges your desire for more understanding, but also brings into perspective that other’s responses fall outside your realm of control.

Just remember that changing thoughts takes time and changing perspective also takes time. It would be easy to think, “I shouldn’t be thinking with so many should statements.” The more helpful way to think about it could be, “I would really like to change the way I think about this, and I can identify some ways to change now.”

Cognitive Distortion #2: Black-and-White Thinking

Have you ever been working on a project, but realized that it was not going to turn out “perfect," so you scraped the whole thing? You may have also thought to yourself, “This is just horrible, and a complete failure.” If this sounds familiar, then you may have been experiencing this type of cognitive distortion. This cognitive distortion has many names. It could also be called all-or-nothing thinking or dichotomous thinking. With this distortion, a person will find themselves thinking categorically. Something is either good or bad, a success or a failure, and nothing exists in between. The result of this is a pendulum effect between two different ends of the spectrum with no stop in the middle. When this type of thinking occurs, it increases distress and rigidity and can impede learning and goal attainment.

I have also experienced this type of cognitive distortion. When learning a new skill, my longstanding modus operandi has been to become proficient as quickly as possible. There is nothing particularly wrong with learning a new skill, but problems arise when nothing less than perfect is the goal. In the past, I would see my endeavors as a failure if I did not attain my desired outcome. What I missed along the way was the wisdom and learning that occurs amid the process. I also created a great deal of angst for myself by thinking that anything less than the desired outcome was a failure. I still struggle almost daily with it. As a matter of fact, I am trying not to fall into that type of thinking as I write more. The difference now for me is awareness and the ability to choose a different way to think and see reality.

Quick Tip: If you find yourself thinking this way, think more grey. Life is nuanced and things are seldom singular. Most of life is a learning process and perfection is not the goal. If something did not turn out as you had hoped, look at what you did learn. Try not to see something, or someone, dichotomously. If you ate the one spoon full of ice cream, your diet isn’t a complete waste and failure. At least you didn’t also eat a tray of cookies.

One approach to therapy that I use often is called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT. This therapeutic approach is used by many counselors due to its effectiveness and usefulness. Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses upon the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Our thoughts influence the feelings that we have and ultimately influence behaviors. So, one simple step in the counseling process is to focus on what a person is thinking. As we focus more on thoughts, we will inevitably encounter what is known as cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are errors in our thinking, and we all experience them. They can increase anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles. Over the next few posts, I will focus on examples of cognitive distortions and how to change these thinking patterns.

The first one I will highlight is known as catastrophizing or awfulizing. I personally gravitate more towards the term catastrophizing because it seems easier for clients to remember being so closely related to the word catastrophe. This distortion in thinking causes a person to jump to the worst possible conclusion. The jump to this conclusion is usually based on limited information and assumptions. For example, a person may be overlooked for a job and conclude that they will never get a good job and end up homeless due to a lack of financial stability. Can you see the error in this example? Another example is someone concluding that because they have this new pain somewhere in their body that they now have a life-threatening illness.

I have personally struggled with this type distortion often in the past, but I am much more apt to notice as I have shifted my own thinking patterns. It produced a great deal of anxiety for me and frequently took me out of the present moment. One practical way to decrease this type of thinking is to identify other possible outcomes. This may seem simple, but it helps to focus upon outcomes of less severity. This allows feelings of fear and despair to decrease as a person realizes the narrow view they have taken toward a situation. If you find yourself struggling with this, don’t fret. Try writing down some additional possible outcomes and realize that you can retrain yourself overtime and broaden your view of difficulties and setbacks. Also, remember that most things that we worry about never come true, or at least not to the extent that we create in our minds.

How does counseling work?

Neuro-biological research suggests that therapeutic interventions, like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can lead to fear extinction and better overall emotional regulation of the fear centers of our brain (Brooks & Stein, 2015). Interventions like CBT seem to aid us in being able to quiet down those fear centers by engaging our prefrontal cortex, which is the center for executive functioning and decision making.

Basically, scientific research has shown evidence that our brain is not fixed but can make significant changes. Counseling provides a safe environment where a person can experience relief and freedom from unwanted symptoms. We are social creatures, and we do our best growing and learning in a community. This community could be two people, but community is the place that we experience the most growth. Unfortunately, it is also the place where we can experience hurt and rejection, which can lead to isolation. The catch is that without community and in isolation from others, we decline. This was very clear during the pandemic.

When a counselor or therapist provides a high level of safety and holds space well for a client, the client can experience the benefits of community through the counseling relationship. This empowers them to seek those same benefits in their daily life while also decreasing their unwanted symptoms. When I say holding space, I mean providing a judgement free environment where a client can openly discuss what they would not normally express due to fear of judgement or rejection. This safety enhances a client’s belief that they can find the same benefits outside of the counseling office.

If you find yourself needing support, or falling into one of the categories I mentioned in the previous post, I encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional. Community is the key and isolation is a killer, so do not fight alone. Change is still possible.


Brooks, S. J., & Stein, D. J. (2015). A systematic review of the neural bases of psychotherapy for anxiety and related disorders. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 17(3), 261–279.

A systematic review of the neural bases of psychotherapy for anxiety and related disorders Brain imaging studies over two decades have delineated the neural circuitry of anxiety and related disorders, particularly regions involved in fear processing and in obsessive-compulsive symptoms. ...

When should a person seek counseling?

There are times in life where we just feel stuck. It seems that the same patterns continue to be repeated without any change. We find ourselves ruled by fear. The lightness and creativity we once had seems to have left. If you find yourself here, you are not alone. Many people find themselves at this point. Counseling can provide you with some relief and help you to get back into the game.

Below are a few specific examples of when a person might seek counseling:

1. Difficulty in processing a life change.

2. Enhancing or developing coping skills for specific emotions like anxiety, sadness or anger.

3. Processing through and grieving a loss.

4. Struggling with addiction or supporting a loved one who struggles.

5. Experiencing constant or recurring unwanted feelings like worry or sadness.

6. Experiencing traumatic or overwhelming life events that have altered one’s life and wellbeing.

7. Seeking a judgement free and confidential place to express frustration about their current circumstances.

The list could go on, but these are just a few. It really comes down to a case-by-case basis as to when a person feels they are ready to receive such support. Even as a counselor, I still see a counselor. Life is complex and can be difficult. It is good to have a place to go for support.

Stay tuned for the next post on how counseling works!

The what, when, and how of counseling...

So, what exactly is counseling and how does it work? This is a great question and it’s one that I am commonly asked. I was once asked by a new client if I was going to use “magic” or “jedi mind tricks” to help him. He was deeply disappointed when I explained to him my lack of proficiency with the force. He then went on to ask if I was just going to get paid to listen to him “complain.” In short, yes, part of what I get paid to do is to listen, but there is much more to the process. I hope to shed some light on counseling for those that are wondering and also highlight the benefits it can bring to a person. As I tell my own clients, I was a client way before I became a counselor, and it literally changed the landscape of my life. My hope and desire is that it does the same for my clients.

In today's post, I will cover the what of counseling, and in subsequent posts I will discuss the when and how.

What exactly is counseling?

Counseling is a trusted and confidential relationship with a trained licensed professional. This relationship is built on trust, safety, and understanding and exists to provide a client with support amid life’s inevitable difficulties. This support is primarily provided in the form of talking and discussing the client’s overall experience. The confidentiality and trust of this relationship provides a high level of safety for the client to openly process and discover insights. I believe that through this trusted relationship, change and growth become possible, as well as goal attainment. I have had the pleasure of witnessing people make positive changes in their lives from this judgement free space grounded in trust.

Stay tuned for more on the when and how of counseling.

A systematic review of the neural bases of psychotherapy for anxiety and related disorders Brain imaging studies over two decades have delineated the neural circuitry of anxiety and related disorders, particularly regions involved in fear processing and in obsessive-compulsive symptoms. ...