The Open Adoption Project

Have you used family history tools to find biological family members?

Devanie has been on our podcast a couple times — she’s an adoptee who grew up in an open adoption— and she has a special passion for family history research.

That’s how she found her birth dad, and it’s an area where she has talent and is helping others who want to learn more about their ancestors.

Her passion is contagious! Check out her account, , and reach out to her if you’re looking for a friend in family history.

Big news — we’ve just launched a brand new resource!

“Substance Exposure in Utero” is a free guide for prospective adoptive parents, available now through the link in our bio.

We teamed up with Dr. Jeremy Stone, an adoptive father himself, to create this guide and help you make informed decisions about adopting infants or children who have been exposed to substances in utero.

This guide does NOT provide medical advice. Rather, it provides information in an objective and educational format.

We recognize that unfortunately, many still believe that prenatal drug exposure is the #1 reason an infant is placed for adoption.

It’s simply not true.

And while substance exposure may not be the primary reason infants are placed for adoption, it still does happen, and this guide can help you understand it better.

We’re so thankful to Dr. Stone for collaborating with us on creating and sharing this guide, and generously offering this resource free of charge through the Open Adoption Project publications.

Download the free guide through the link on our profile.

With his background as a psychotherapist and educator, Stephen Rowley joined us on the podcast to share his insights as an adoptee and adoptive father.

He discusses the core experiences adoptees share, how some adopted children reckon with the paradox of a comfortable upbringing and a powerful emotional loss, and how early childhood wounds result in “primitive agonies” that underly the emotions adoptees can experience. 

We’re grateful to Stephen for sharing his memoir and insights with us. His interview is out now, wherever you listen to podcasts.

In the adoption triad, birth parents’ experiences often go under-researched. The First Families Project is on a mission to change that — with a goal to understand birth mothers’ journeys and amplify their voices. ️

Are you a birth mother interested in sharing your story? ➡️ Swipe through to learn more about participating in the research.

Email: [email protected]

If you’ve been with us long enough, you know we share the ups, downs, and hard truths of adoption.

And our newest episode is full of hard truths.

We had an honest conversation with Amy Seek, a birth mom and author, about what she wishes she knew when she got pregnant.

She talks about the difficulty of open adoption — of “returning to that power structure where you’re not good enough,” and how she’s worked to rebuild herself over the two decades since she placed her son for adoption.

Her words are so important — not just for women and couples considering placing their child for adoption, but for adoptive and prospective adoptive parents to understand the complicated emotions that come with open adoption.

Listen to Amy’s insight on “Open Adoption Project,” wherever you get your podcasts.

New episode! Lexi Condie was adopted by Aymee and Reed at age 8 along with her older brother Tyler, who was Reed’s son.

Aymee and Reed let Lexi and Tyler stay in contact with their mother (Stevoni), who was in prison at that time.

Over the years Lexi developed an incredible relationship with Stevoni, with the support of her adoptive family. Today, Lexi is working toward her Certified Welding Inspector certification and starting her own business. Lexi loves her career and is working towards making her life her own again.

Lexi shares what her open adoption is like, and what it was like to reunify with the siblings she was separated from as a child. We’re so thankful to Lexi for opening up and sharing her story with us.

Listen at the link in our bio, or on Spotify: Open Adoption Project.

This week we’re sharing an eye-opening conversation with Cadon Riley. Cadon’s experience is unique — having been adopted at birth into a transracial family and later returned to the foster care system.

Cadon and Shaun discuss some of the challenges Cadon has experienced, and his hopes for how the adoption and foster care community community can improve experiences for youth in care and in need of support.

Cadon is now a Foster Care & Child Welfare Advocate and is currently pursuing a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Utah Tech University, intending to obtain his Ph.D. in Clinical Neuropsychology.

His continuous advocacy has landed him the opportunity to speak on Capitol Hill and become a Congressional Leadership Academy Delegate with the National Foster Youth Institute.

We’re so grateful to Cadon for opening up about his life, and for his continued work to improve life for youth living what he’s experienced.

“As a birth mom there’s not a lot [of support] out there. There’s a little more for adopted parents and for adoptees — and I don’t know if it’s because most birth moms choose to stay private and they don’t want to share that very intimate thing about themselves, I’m not sure — but there’s just not a lot of resources out there on surviving after placing a child.

“It’s almost like there needs to be some referral program going on where agencies go, ‘Okay, thank you so much, you’ve done your part we need to move on — but this is where you go next.’ Some place where birth moms can find some support and and it doesn’t matter if they’re insured and if they can afford it. Some group where there can be recovery support and counseling [with] people who are experienced and experts in that.” - Kaira Dark, birth mom

Do you know of any resources like this where you live? Let us know in the comments.

“When Shaun and I were adopting for the very first time, we had a lot of conversations with our social worker about setting boundaries, and we weren’t really sure what to do or what that meant.

“So we were kind of just doing what other people told us they did. And so I think we had this prescribed amount of visits we were going to do in a year. It was like four visits a year or something like that, and we talked about this with these expectant parents, and they were chill with it.

“But as time went on, we realized these aren’t really the boundaries that this relationship needs. We realized we’re fine having them visit any time they can. And it doesn’t need to be like this rigid calendar in this relationship.” - Lanette Nelson, founder, Open Adoption Project

“I kind of hit the jackpot. I got really lucky with two very down to earth and honest and communicative people.

“... I’ve heard a lot of times adoptive parents want to kind of bend over backwards for the birth mom and I never felt that way from them.

“It...didn’t feel forced and it was very clear that it was this is something we’re doing for (the child). So at any point if it’s not working for him we we’re going to make adjustments.

“And I think that’s the perspective going into these conversations that you need to have — is that this is for the benefit of the child. This is so the child can understand who they are, where they’re from, and have a stronger sense of identity.

“There’s not really room for our own egos and our own agendas. It’s got to come from a parental place of doing the right thing for the kid.”

- Kaira Dark, birth mom

“So many times in foster care and adoption, we wish things were different. And I think rightly so — because sometimes the things that have happened are so hard and so sad, that we truly wish they were different.

“But then I was thinking of ... the power of facing the reality that is actually in front of us instead of the one we wish. That instead of wasting my time and energy on wishing [things were] different, I [could] simply accept it. There’s power in acceptance of the way things are.

“And part of accepting the way things are is that many of these children who come to care have deep and abiding connections to their first family. Then we think, okay, with that reality, what am I being called upon to do that is in the best interest of this child?

“Many times it is trying to find a way to maintain those connections, even when those connections are with people that the foster family may not feel 100% comfortable around. ... And they start to just open themselves up and say, this is this child’s family, they are important to this child, therefore they are important to me.”

- Liz Rivera, Director of Education,

“For instance, this young guy was neglected and so he needed a lot of love, especially when he came back to us after [visitation]. He would be incredibly needy and need to be held.

“Tony was the day dad and then I was the night dad so, you know, cooking by myself and baths and then bedtime — it was very stressful and a lot of times I would treat him like I would treat my daughter, like okay I can’t pick you up right now you just got to get over it.

“But then when you look back and you take all these continuing education classes, I remember we were taking one on neglect and out of the eight signs, he had seven of them.

“And I was like oh my god, I should have picked him up, why didn’t I pick him up that night, he needed me.

“That was one of the learning lessons because I was like dude, listen. It’s gonna be tough for you, you’ve got to be strong and I want you to be strong — but in that moment I knew that he needed more.”

There’s so much to learn 🧡 Thanks to Tony and Michael for sharing their experience as foster parents. For anyone looking to understand the impact of trauma on children, we recommend “What Happened to You” by Dr. Perry and Oprah. It’s totally changed our perspectives and we’re sure it will for you, too.

It’s National Foster Care Month —

so we’re highlighting a conversation we had with Shane and Alisha Gallagher, foster parents in the California East Bay.

Foster care and open adoption overlap in a really important way: it’s all about the kids, which means it’s all about supporting and loving their biological families, too.

Shane and Alisha became foster parents during the pandemic, and formed a unique relationship with the kids’ mom through foster care, reunification, and beyond. A must-listen for anyone considering becoming a foster parent.

We linked the episode in our bio.

🎙️ Open Adoption Project, “Shane and Alisha | Fostering Connections”

We once had an eye-opening experience with Birth Mother’s Day.

Early on in an open adoption with one of our kids, we decided to recognize Birth Mother’s Day — but after a really helpful conversation with their birth mom, we decided together to celebrate Mother’s Day instead. She felt that birth moms are moms and “mother” is a title we share, and we agreed!

That’s what’s worked for our family. However, other birth moms may appreciate the unique day to process the many emotions that come with being a birth mom.

How to honor Birth Mother’s Day, or honoring at all, is a decision best made together.

Today, even right now! Take 30 seconds to think of one thing that would make a difference in your relationship with your child’s birth parents.

If you’re stuck, here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

❓ Do I follow through on my commitments to them?
❓ Do I speak honestly and positively about them?
❓ Do I express my gratitude to them for being part of our lives, however they’re able?
❓ Are there any boundaries that need to be adjusted?

Take your time during your reflection. It always helps to talk it out with your partner or a friend you trust.

Now, the part that matters — commit to changing what needs to be changed. We’re cheering for you and your family.

When structural openness isn’t possible, communication openness counts. Big time.

Essentially, if you don’t have direct contact with your child’s biological family, your child isn’t destined to struggle more. If you’re in a closed adoption and talk openly, lovingly, and honestly about their adoption story and bio family, that goes a long way toward supporting your child’s well-being.

Love your child — all of them, even the history you don’t know about! They’ll feel it.

We go into more detail on this in our new resource: The Openness Guide for Adoptive Parents (*thank you* to everyone who’s purchased a copy so far!) Use FOSTER25 for a 25% discount through May for National Foster Care Month.

New day, new prompt! Let’s just say it’s not an easy one.

Yesterday, we invited you to write out your feelings toward your child’s birth parents.

If you uncovered any hurt in that process, today’s prompt is for you.

Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.

Holding onto the hurt is only harming you, and could influence the way you talk to your child about their birth parents.

If you’re here, chances are you want your child to grow up with a healthy understanding of who they are and who gave them life. Healing your perception of their birth parents will help your child heal, too.

Trust your instincts — if you feel you need to have a conversation or take another action to let it go and move forward, make it happen.

Be kind to them, and be kind to yourself.

Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.

When was the last time you thought deeply about your child’s birth parents and why they chose adoption?

For the week leading up to Mother’s Day, we’re sharing prompts to help you improve your relationships and perspectives toward your child’s birth parents.

✏️ So today, get out your computer, notes app, or pen and paper, and free-write for 10 minutes. What comes up? Gratitude and love? Concern and frustration? A mix? Be honest as you write. (You can always throw it out later). The goal here isn’t to write for posterity, it’s to write for yourself. It’s important to understand where your emotions are so you can face any negativity and work to overcome it.

🌸 We say over and over again: never say anything negative about your child’s birth family. And we hold to that! But in your own private reflection, you can recognize any difficulties you’re having, and from that place of honesty, begin to change.

✨ You can only know where you’re going if you know where you *are.* Write until you know where you are.

If this is helpful, come back tomorrow for the next prompt. It might push you outside your comfort zone.

Mother’s Day can bring up *a lot* of emotions for adoptive and biological families.

Seriously, pick an emotion and an adoptee, birth mom, or adoptive parent has probably felt it on Mother’s Day. And it makes sense! It can bring hope and peace some years, and can bring up grief and loss in other years. It’s not linear.

So, our prompt to adoptive parents today: if you haven’t already, decide how you’ll honor your child’s birth mom this Mother’s Day. On the second slide we share a few things we’ve done in the past for the four birth moms in our children’s lives.

A few additional considerations:

💜 We also like to remember grandmas. If your family is like ours and has rewarding relationships with biological grandparents, send a card to grandmas too!

🧡 For those who want openness but for one reason or another don’t have contact with your child’s birth mom right now — we recognize you’re in a tough place. You might think of another way to honor her. What do you know of her life? Could you donate to a cause or volunteer at an organization that supports women like her?

🩷 What should be done for birth mother’s day (the Saturday before Mother’s Day)? Some birth moms appreciate the extra acknowledgement. If you’re in an open adoption, find out what she thinks. We used to celebrate it, but after talking with one of our kid’s birth moms early on, we decided together to celebrate Mother’s Day instead because birth moms are moms and it’s a title we share. It’s a decision you should make together, if possible.

However you honor your child’s birth mom, sincerity matters most.

What have you done for your child’s birth mom on Mother’s Day? Let us know in the comments. ⬇️

It’s so important to have a frank conversation with your partner, your family, and yourself, about why you want to adopt.

Ask yourself — can I love a child who doesn’t look like me? Who doesn’t always love being adopted? Wants more contact with biological family members?

If the answer to any of these questions is “no” or “I’m not sure,” we encourage you to take time to explore why. It might help you understand what you’re wanting and expecting from a relationship with your future child.

Adopting is a life-changing decision, and you want to make sure that your mind and heart are ready to accept a child into your family unconditionally.

If you found this helpful, check out our new ebook! The Openness Guide for Adoptive Parents. It includes assignments at the end of each chapter to help you explore any hesitations, and answers questions we hear often from people in your shoes. Link in bio.

“One thing we talk quite a bit about in the (foster care) classes is to help your child to feel safe — and that feeling safe is subjective, not objective. We may be thinking about car seats and seat belts and holding hands across the street and locking the doors at night. But that child, what feels safe to them may be something completely different.

“We had a family who had a little boy in their care who was really struggling sleeping at night. And finally, they asked him, is your room scary? And he said yes. They said, what is scary about your room? His bed was pushed up against the wall next to a window. They were in a two-story house but he was afraid someone was going to come through the window and take him at night.

“So instead of trying to explain to him, which is higher order functioning, the parents...asked him, where would it feel safer for your bed to be? He was little. He was probably four or five. And he said over across the wall across the room from the window. So as far as far away from the window as it could possibly be. And that made a huge difference for this little guy.

“But one once again, we wouldn’t have thought of that because for us, that’s not — that doesn’t seem like a safety thing. But...until they can start to feel safe, they’re going to hold on to those behaviors. They have to hold on to those behaviors until they begin to feel safe.”

- Liz Rivera, Director of Education, Utah Foster Care

Listen to her episode on the Open Adoption Project wherever you get your podcasts. “What Happened to You: Understanding Childhood Trauma with Liz Rivera”

“Why do I get these feelings so much around my daughter’s birthday when we have an open adoption? Why do I get so emotional after a visit with her? It’s because she’s still a part of me, and there’s nothing that’s ever going to change that or replace that.

“When I found my birth mom I truly feel that I needed to go through that situation before I found her. And no matter those feelings I had as a teenager of why she didn’t want me and why did she give me up — she never gave me up. I never gave up my birth daughter, I placed her for adoption. I never didn’t want her. I was never unwanted. 

“Those things were really important to know for myself before I found my birth mom so we could have another connection. We’re not just a mother and daughter, we’re both birth moms.”

- Jori Victory, adoptee and birth mom

Hear more about Jori on the Open Adoption Project podcast! The episode is titled, “Jori | My experience as an adoptee and birth mom.”

Imagine the comfort a child might feel in your home when you read them a story or make a dish that’s popular in their birth country.

Or maybe they see decorations on your bookshelf that prompt questions: “What is that? Where did it come from?” and then they get to hear the significance of that item in their culture.

A couple things happen: 1) As the adoptive parent, you are learning about their culture and teaching them how special it is, and 2) your child gets to start an organic conversation on the story of how you became a family.

Kids are naturally curious. We can encourage their curiosity if, as adoptive parents, we are thoughtful about creating the spark. ✨

This is just one idea! What would you add? Let us know in the comments ⬇️

Imagine the comfort a child might feel in your home when you read them a story or make a dish that’s popular in their birth country.

Or maybe they see decorations on your bookshelf that prompt questions: “What is that? Where did it come from?” and then they get to hear the significance of that item in their culture.

A couple things happen: 1) As the adoptive parent, you are learning about their culture and teaching them how special it is, and 2) your child gets to start an organic conversation on the story of how you became a family.

Kids are naturally curious. We can encourage their curiosity if, as adoptive parents, we are thoughtful about creating the spark. ✨

This is just one idea! What would you add? Let us know in the comments ⬇️

“I wasn’t taught about going into a very different culture.”

We loved talking with Christelle Pellecuer so much that we brought her back for a second conversation. She’s an adoptee and founder of . In this episode she shares what it was like to grow up as a Black girl in a predominantly White community, what she lost from her first home in Madagascar, and the patterns she notices from the Black adoptees she coaches. We love how she’s full of empathy and doesn’t shy away from the hard topics.

It’s a must-listen for anyone who has or might adopt across cultures and ethnicities.

Thanks for sharing your story and wisdom, Christelle! 🧡

It’s all for them. 🧡

*Thank you* to everyone who’s purchased a copy of The Openness Guide for Adoptive Parents! We’re blown away by your kindness and support. If you want to keep learning about open adoption, it’s not too late. Right now our guide is 25% off with code LAUNCHOAP.

And it’s 25% off this week with code LAUNCHOAP! Swipe for a sneak peek at what’s inside. ✨

It’s been a labor of love to bring this to life and we’re so excited to see it out in the world.

With great excitement, we are thrilled to share and recommend a brand new resource from our friends at The Open Adoption Project

“I was able to review The Openness Guide prior to release, and Lanette Nelson did such an exceptional job. This material is an EXCELLENT resource for adoptive parents navigating open adoption, as well as preparing prospective adoptive parents during the adoption process.“ - Kim Perry, LCSW

For this week, they are offering a discount code, use LAUNCHOAP for 25% 🤩

To download the guide, go to https://openadoption.gumroad.com/l/opa

✨ T O M O R R O W ✨ The Openness Guide for Adoptive Parents launches on Wednesday, 4/10! We’re over the moon with this early feedback we got from a reader. We can’t wait to share the full guide with you.

You’ve heard it before.

“Open adoptions are good! Now go make it happen!”

But how exactly? There’s an education gap, and we talk to people who have so many questions. So we’re launching a guide to teach adoptive parents how to embrace open adoption.

Launching on 4/10! We can’t wait to show you!