Abundant Life Counseling St. Louis, LLC

I’m not going to lie, I picked up this book for personal and professional reasons. Like a lot (most?) of millennial women who grew up in the peak of purity culture, I was taught that boys are “visual in nature” and “only after one thing,” and that it was my responsibility to prevent them from sinning by dressing and behaving—dare I say the word of the moment—demure.
 
I’ve worked with clients who also grew up with those messages, and I’ve seen how it has impacted how they view themselves and their relationships today. And as a mom, I desire to have real, honest conversations with my daughters about s*x and relationships, in hopes of them not only avoiding some tough experiences I had in my single life, but in hopes of them having healthy and authentic relationships with the opposite s*x. This book will certainly be a helpful tool in having those conversations.

You can read my review at the link in my profile. And if you fear that this book is church bashing, the authors cite evidence that shows that people benefit from spiritual community - they’re very much in favor of being raised in the church, they just think we can inform our kids better when it comes to this topic. 🌱

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze…Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you…Do not be afraid, for I am with you.” Isaiah 43:2, 4, 5 🌱

When we immediately call fear a “liar,” we ignore its God-given purpose and function,
Same applies when we shame ourselves for feeling fear, judge ourselves for being weak when we’re afraid, think we’re sinning for feeling afraid or “not trusting God enough,” etc. 🌱

There’s a song on Christian radio right now called “Fear is a Liar.” I’ve heard this phrase used in other Christian contexts before, and if you’re a millennial like me, you may remember those popular t-shirts and binder stickers in middle school emblazoned with the slogan, “NO FEAR.” 

On the blog today, I’m sharing the reasons why I don’t love this phrase. While I absolutely believe that God is a good, loving, sovereign, and kind Protector, I don’t believe that our fear is worthless or meaningless, or lying to us at all. In fact, I think our fear is a God-given resource that God uses for our good. Read more at the link in my profile. 🌱

I am a huge fan of feelings. I think they are important and they tell us things. By no means do I think we should ignore them. However, I think we need to consider a few things before we make decisions based off of how we’re feeling. For example, am I taking a particular action because I think it will stop me from feeling a negative feeling, but it’s not something that I want to stand for or promote? Am I coping in a healthy manner or am I just trying to avoid what I’m actually feeling?

Let’s say that a loved one says or does something that hurts you. You value honesty and transparency in your relationships, but confrontation is super uncomfortable, so you decide to just ignore the hurtful thing they did/said, and move on. But you can’t move on, the hurt continues to fester, and you notice yourself feeling resentful. You don’t want to experience conflict with your loved one by bringing up the hurtful event, but by avoiding the discomfort of the possibility of conflict, you find yourself inwardly seething and acting irritably to those around you. While the idea of confrontation makes you feel anxious, you realize that by not addressing what happened, you’re acting in ways that aren’t in line with who you are or what you value.

It may be worth considering sitting in the uncertainty (and possibility of discomfort!) of how you will feel when you speak with your loved one about the hurtful event. In this example, acting on your values of honesty and transparency in relationships actually goes hand in hand with acknowledging and caring for the difficult feelings that arose from the conflict in the first place! If these feels challenging for you, check out the link in my bio for more info or support! 🌱

I hate to be Debbie Downer, but…isn’t this what most of us fear when making a decision? That we could be wrong? Cause others pain? Cause ourselves pain?

I’m not saying that there is anything necessarily wrong with listening to and acting on a gut instinct. I do believe the Lord gives us intuition. However, we have to be prepared for the possibility that our gut is wrong or comes with consequences or brings about pain that we’re hoping to avoid. That’s where making peace with uncertainty comes in. When we make decisions in line with our values, we will still make mistakes and experience pain because we are still human! One of the great things about values is that they can serve as a sort of compass, not necessarily leading us to a specific destination, but guiding us in the way we want to go, the way we want to live. For more, check out the blog post at the link in my bio. 🌱

Has anyone ever told you to “go with your gut” when you’ve felt anxious or unsure of what to do? I don’t know about you, but for me, hearing this has never helped decrease my anxiety. If anything, it can make my anxiety worse by ushering in a whole new set of worries: what if what I think is my gut isn’t really my gut? What if I’m not hearing my gut correctly? What if my decision hurts someone? What if this isn’t what God wants me to do? What if I’m wrong? 

I do believe that God has gifted us with intuition. Unfortunately, anxiety can hijack our intuition, making it hard to trust. Like all things, our intuition is imperfect, and therefore, does not save us from experiencing suffering or guarantee that we’re making the “right” decision. 

Today on the blog, I write more about this topic, and provide an alternative to making decisions that are less reliant on gut feelings and more influenced by what we value. Check it out at the link in my profile. 🌱

Today on the blog, I’m reviewing “Living & Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment” by Steven Stosny, PhD.
 
Dr. Stosny describes how intimate betrayal—be it through deceit, infidelity, or emotional abuse—impacts our ability to heal, live according to our deepest values, and fully engage in important relationships. He seeks to offer a path forward through healing by sharing recent neurological findings on “how the brain forms habits and grows new cells through focus and repetition, and how we can wisely guide our neurological development by choosing what to focus on and what to repeat, in accordance with our deepest values.” I found it to be an interesting and useful read!

For the rest of the review, click the link in my profile! 🌱

When I talk to Christian women about qualities they want in a partner, I will often hear that they want someone who is a leader and will lead their family well. Leadership is an admirable quality to desire in a partner, but it can also—unfortunately—be used to manipulate and silence one partner in the relationship. That’s why it’s worthwhile to unpack what we mean when we say we want someone who will lead our family.

On the blog today, I walk you through an exercise to identify what qualities you admire in a leader, so that you can go into a relationship with a clear understanding of what type of leader you’re looking for in a long-term relationship. Check it out at the link in my profile.
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As women, especially if we’ve grown up in Christian purity culture, we’re taught how not to BE a problem in a relationship (only date someone with the same faith as you, save s*x for marriage, don’t act or dress immodestly, be gentle and submissive, etc.) and not really taught how to LOOK for problems or potential red flags within a relationship. In my work with clients (and in my own past), I’ve found that, as a result of this lack of direction, it’s easy to think we’re in a healthy, promising relationship if our partner checks the bare minimum of boxes (like religious faith), and explain away or ignore qualities and behaviors that may prove problematic in a marriage later. That’s why I’m passionate about helping single women not only carefully (and nonjudgmentally!) consider the dating relationship they’re in, but also to think about what they truly value in a partner and a long-term relationship. To learn more, click the link in my bio and follow along for things to consider as you navigate the wild world of modern dating. 🌱

To me, letting the Lord care for me in my anxiety IS trusting Him. Trusting Him that He is enough to see me through scary times of my life. But this requires me to actually acknowledge and feel my fear, to feel my need for His comfort and care. By cutting off myself from experiencing fear, I turn to rely on my own strength to help me cope, rather than relying on the Lord. How have you experienced God’s care for you in the past? For me, I think of good cry sessions, sipping wine on a beautiful evening outside, the right song that comes on at just the right moment, or life-giving conversations with my husband or a friend. He’s God, so the possibilities of how He might care for us are endless! Isn’t that awesome?! 🌱

When we cut ourselves off from our difficult emotions, we cut off the possibility of experiencing God’s kindness and care in the midst of our struggles. We don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to trust Him. What have you been taught or led to believe about feeling difficult emotions, particularly as a Christian? When you experience difficult feelings, what thoughts come to your mind? How do you respond to or cope with those difficult emotions? To read more, click the link in my bio. 🌱

Feeling anxious is not synonymous with distrust in God or relying on our own strength. Actually, allowing ourselves to feel our anxiety (or any difficult emotion) leads us to acknowledging our need for God and opens us up to receive His care and kindness. In allowing ourselves to feel our difficult feelings, we trust that God is big enough to walk with us through them. Read more at the link in my bio.

Sending compassion to you, friend, as you open yourself up to difficult (and maybe new) emotional experiences and wait for His care and kindness. 🌱

God tells us to cast our cares on Him, but it is not morally wrong or sinful to feel afraid. Fear serves a purpose, and it’s actually a part of how God made us to be as humans. Trying to rid ourselves of that fear in the name of “trusting Jesus” may actually lead to sinful and unloving behavior. On my newest blog post, I use an extreme example of “trusting the Lord” by sitting back and doing nothing to intervene in the hypothetical scenario of my daughter running into the street. If I chose to ignore my fear and close my eyes and pray for her to be alright playing in the street, I would be abdicating my responsibility as her parent. Yet sometimes it feels like we’re taught in Christian circles to grit our teeth, ignore our fear, and “trust Jesus.” We’re not always given guidance as to what this practically looks like. What if, instead of ignoring or judging our fear, we recognized it as a God-given tool for our protection? Not only that, but as an opportunity or invitation to experience His kindness and care in the midst of our fear? Read more at the link in my bio. 🌱

In conversations with loved ones and clients about their anxiety, I’ve often heard some variation of the phrase: “I know I just need to the Lord with this.” And I never quite know how to respond. On the one hand, yes, we are called to trust the Lord and on the other hand, I know that it is completely normal and part of the human experience to feel fear and anxiety. Not only is it normal, it’s actually a part of how God made us to be as humans.

So, what do we do when we feel afraid? Pray and then sit there and twiddle our thumbs and wait for our fear to go away? Judge ourselves for feeling afraid in the first place?

Today on the blog, I’m talking about how allowing ourselves to feel fear is key to “casting our cares” on the Lord, and how what we may have been taught about the relationship between fear and faith could be keeping us feeling more anxious. Link in bio: Rethinking Fear and Faith 🌱

You may have been told or taught that you have to choose between the Bible or psychology, but I don’t believe that you do. I believe that all truth is God’s truth and that He provides us with science as a tool to help us live flourishing lives that are in step with Him. I integrate evidenced-based approaches for anxiety that fit within a Christian worldview. I love working with women who are looking to forge a new relationship with their anxiety and other difficult emotions so that they can live authentically and abundantly with Christ and with others.

You may also have been taught that a person’s faith is THE MOST IMPORTANT priority in finding a long-term, romantic partner. I believe that, while it might be priority number one for you, it is NOT the only priority to look for, and that other qualities are just as important in finding a partner. I use an attachment-based model to help you gain knowledge and insight into what qualities you value in a partner and how to make informed decisions regarding who you date and commit to long-term. If you’d like to speak further about the services I offer, check out the link in my bio. 🌱

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we experience self-doubt and thoughts of “I don’t belong” in areas we feel passionate about or areas in which God has gifted us. Scripture clearly indicates that the Lord gives us gifts for His glory (Eph 2:10; 1 Cor 12:1-11; 1 Peter 4:10-11; Rom 12:3-8, just to list a few). We also know from Scripture that the devil works to thwart God’s purposes (1 Peter 5:8-9; Eph 6). It makes sense to me that the devil would seek to diminish our mental and emotional capacities in areas we’re called to and passionate about by whispering to us that we don’t belong there, that we’re doing it all wrong and therefore, should just stop trying.
 
Today on the blog, I’m sharing how I’ve experienced imposter syndrome as a new-ish mom, and some tips I’ve learned to help me relate to these thoughts of not belonging, and to lean into the foundation of God’s love, grace, mercy, and sovereignty that cover any and all mistakes I WILL make as a flawed human being. Whether you find yourself experiencing self-doubt in parenting, work, or relationships, I hope you find something helpful to take away for when imposter syndrome shows up for you. ❤️

Link in profile or here: https://abundantlifecounselingstl.com/?p=1150

My friend and fellow therapist, Fawn Weber, was recently featured on this podcast about body image and faith. Highly recommend you give it a listen!

Interview w Fawn Weber: Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts + BMI + Body Image and Faith Today's conversation is SO good and we touch on a few different topics:Intro: 0:00-8:00minsBody Image & Faith: 8:00-18:25minsChallenging Thoughts/Positive Th...

Wow. This was a favorite read of mine this year. I just finished it for the second time. Isn’t it a beautiful cover?! Don’t let the brevity of the book (104 pages) fool you – this book is full of life-changing, inspiring and motivating insight. It’s like a warm hug that doesn’t let go, and a gentle but firm push to keep going when you think you can’t go any further.
 
This book addresses suffering, whether it’s related to a mental illness, tragedy, or simply the mundanity of life that feels meaningless. Alan Noble writes that we all experience some form of suffering at some point in our lives and that we must be able to answer the question: why should I get out of bed? Check out my review at the link in my bio!

I don’t know about you, but when an influx of scary stuff happens in our world, my imagination gets going, thinking of all the horrible things that could happen to those I love. And I often talk with clients about fearing what “could” happen or the possibility of experiencing future stressful situations. There is an official (and obvious!) term for this: “anticipatory anxiety.” I recently finished this book, “Overcoming Anticipatory Anxiety,” by Sally M. Winston, PsyD and Martin N. Seif, PhD, two experienced clinicians who specialize in anxiety disorders. In this book, they strive to offer a guide to disengage from “what-if” thoughts and get unstuck in decision-making using therapeutic and common-sense approaches, so that you can live with flexibility and peace of mind. Check out my review at the link in my bio!

You’ve chatted online for a couple of weeks now, maybe texted, and now you’re meeting in person for the first time. You have some kind of rapport established, and you’re wondering…what exactly do you talk about on your first date if you’ve already gotten the basics of job, hobbies, family, etc. covered over text? It may be tempting to dive right in, share your childhood traumas, romantic heartbreaks, and search for life’s meaning in order to foster a deeper emotional connection. However, it’s important that we’re not TOO trusting TOO fast and that we maintain some emotional boundaries.
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Why? On a first date, you know very little about the person, even if you’ve been chatting online for a while. You do not know if they’re trustworthy or how they will respond to you disclosing something vulnerable and personal. Therefore, the risk of you feeling hurt or being manipulated with this disclosure later on may be higher than if you wait, get to know someone, build trust, and then disclose. If you disclose something personal, and then never hear from the person again, you may feel abandoned and/or rejected.
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First dates should be about getting to know basic information about your date, assessing for compatibility and chemistry. As you get to know your date more over a period of time and in different contexts, you’ll gather more information that will help you determine your partner’s level of trustworthiness. After dating this person over a period of time, seeing them in different contexts and around different people, a good rule of thumb is to start by disclosing something personal, but not too personal that you would feel betrayed if the person did not keep your confidence or responded in an invalidating manner. If that person demonstrates trustworthiness with this small disclosure, you can slowly start to disclose more personal information over time.

Not long ago, I had a conversation with someone about something she was doing that she felt God telling her to stop doing. She described feeling strongly and unwaveringly convicted, yet also experienced a sense of calm at the same time. But then, not long after this experience, she said a strong wave of shame came rushing in, washing over her, making her feel like a horrible person and questioning whether or not God really still accepted her. She said she even had thoughts of why stop the behavior she had moments before felt convicted to stop if God was already disappointed with her. We both sort of marveled as to how she could have two completely different experiences in a matter of seconds: knowing God’s love and acceptance even while He was telling her to stop a particular behavior, followed by deep shame and self-loathing.
In this moment, I was reminded of John 10:10, the verse that inspired my practice’s name: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” My friend felt that the Lord was calling her to stop a behavior for her own good, for her to live in His purpose for her, for her to live abundantly. The enemy doesn’t want us to live in this purpose, and will use a variety of tactics to separate us from the love of God, like shame. My friend had just had a life-giving experience with the Lord, and immediately, the thief rushed in to try and steal it from her.
In Hebrews 12:4-11, we read that the Lord disciplines those He loves, and that we “should not lose heart” because He is treating us as His children when He tells us not to do something. While this discipline may feel painful, it’s different from shame in that God’s conviction reminds us that we are His, that He has our best interest in mind. Shame tells us we are not accepted, not loved, and we have to keep hustling for our worthiness, or that we should just give up completely because we will never be worthy. It makes sense that we sometimes experience these simultaneously. However, we can push back against the lie that we are never accepted by reminding ourselves that when we feel convicted by God, IT IS BECAUSE HE ACCEPTS US.

In my work with clients who have anxiety (and in my own experience of anxiety), a common experience many report is having a thought that begins with the phrase, “what if.” What if I make a mistake? What if my boundaries make others unhappy? I shouldn’t go to the party because what if no one there talks to me?
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When we experience a thought that begins with the phrase, “what if,” this can be a sign that we may be connecting with that anxious thought, and we may be tempted to take an action that will help us avoid the feeling of anxiety rather than make a decision that is in line with our values.
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Let’s take the anxiety about going to a party as an example. If I think, “what if no one talks to me?”, I might feel a pit in my stomach and my heart start to race. To try to avoid feeling those things, I might decide I’m not going to go to the party, even though I’d really like to go and my friend invited me. If I choose not to go, I may be giving the “what if” thought more power than I intend to, and I may be reinforcing the idea that I shouldn’t do something if I feel anxious about it.
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What can I do instead? I can start by offering myself compassion. “Wow, that ‘what if’ thought does not feel good. It makes sense that my brain is trying to come up with solutions to get rid of this feeling.” Then, I can evaluate what decision is actually in line with what I value. “It does sound like fun to go to a party, and I would like to spend time with the friend who invited me.” Next, we can decide which tools in our toolbox we might use if we start to feel anxious and even if our feared “what if” comes to fruition. “If I start to feel anxious about no one talking to me, I’ll use grounding exercises to come back to the present moment. I’ll commit to dropping by the party for half an hour, and after half an hour, I’ll evaluate if I want to stay or go home.”
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Try showing yourself compassion, identifying your values, and brainstorming tools you can use the next time you find yourself caught in a “what if” thought!

Determining if you want to see someone again after a first date is tricky because of the unspoken elements at play during a first date. What do I mean by unspoken elements?
- It’s normal to be nervous, which could result in excessive talking, excessive question asking, talking louder, etc.
- It’s normal to want to put our best foot forward, which could result in seemingly arrogant boasting or talking a lot about ourselves.
- We may also feel overly cautious, finding ourselves nit picking or overthinking everything our date is saying and doing in order to protect ourselves from hurt or disappointment down the road.
- We may find ourselves so badly wanting this to turn into a relationship that we are ignoring blatant red flags or rationalizing certain behavior.
So, to start, be aware of which stance you’re walking into the date in – nervous, desire to impress, overly cautious, or eager. (It’s also normal to be a combo of all of these). Reflect on the behavior YOU might engage in as a result of each of these stances, and then REMEMBER that your date is walking in in his/her own stance. After the date is over, consider what attracted you to your date and what turned you off. Do you want to go on a second date or not? If you’re unsure, consider if you and your date may walk into a second date with a more neutral stance, as the pressure of the first date is no more. Is it possible that each of you might behave in a more relaxed, authentic manner? Could additional dates serve as opportunities to gather more information about what attracts you to this person and what turns you off?

It’s common to have doubts about a relationship, even in a healthy relationship! How can we tell if the doubts we’re experiencing are due to general uncertainty, our own insecurities, or our partner’s actions? I answer this in today’s blog post. Check it out at the link in my profile. https://abundantlifecounselingstl.com/?p=1117