Tim Smyth, PsyD, MFT

Its time; I just read about a 13 yo boy who walked into a blizzard and died because his parents took his phone away. This tragedy forced me to review my practices and suggestions. Ive determined that i have given insufficient advice to parents struggling with internet and electronics addiction. I have typically advised parents with addicted (this is a tough term that requires further discussion) children to remove air time or game time as a consequence of misconduct, especially that which evolves out of the "need" for devices, i.e. not getting off a game in time, staying on the phone all night, etc. Programs and apps designed for parental control of devices can help greatly in this effort, as well as controlling home router access on a daily basis. Only in the toughest cases have I advised parents to trade the smartphone for a "dumb" clamshell that is useful only for making important phone calls or to remove the game console on a long-term basis. You can also put the phone on a prepaid basis so that you can throttle usage. Im now leaning towards viewing the removal of a desired object a "negative reward", which is viewed by the child only as a punishment. Punishment/consequences can galvanize an already defiant child into full-blown anarchy if misused. Instead, im going to be increasingly likely to advise a parent to reverse the mindset by giving electronic access on a piecemeal basis as a reward for daily performance. Basically, by looking like youre giving instead of taking away, the child has one less reason to be angry with you. Before doing something like this, however, one needs to anticipate the problems associated with removing electronics for a long "dry out" period. In most cases, children who overuse electronics are those who dont engage in free reading. So, what is your child going to do with her/her time when you take away the time suck device? In one case with a reluctant reader, I advised the father to take his son on a trip to the comic book store "in order to find something for a friend", this way, the exposure can seem indirect and not forced. In this case, dad browsed the racks with his son, asking for advice about which titles the "other person" might like. In this way, dad learned about what his son might like. Dad bought a comic book and graphic novel under this pretext. Dad allowed son to review the items on the way home and then offered his son his choice of one for himself (again, no forcing or pressure). In short, the son chose his reading material and in short order became "hooked" on graphic novels. Now, aside from the prospect of making sure your child doesnt get a hold of the R rated stuff, you can groom a true reader this way. Basically, you have to anticipate what functions the electronics provide and try to replace them with more adaptive and growthful activities. Art, reading, music, sports---you see where this is going.
More on this later.......

Now, I expect some blowback from my use of "su***de" instead of another proper noun, and I apologize for my outward insensitivity. It was for lack of a better word. Now, forward. I also believe that the "dark passenger" can reside in the back of the mind or be far forward, accounting for the reports from close others as being surprised or not, respectively. This kind of "entity" can vary with respect to how and when it shows up. Many of us have this thing surface very rarely, yet still be alarming when we talk about it, if we do. It can be a shameful idea that people wont even talk about in therapy. This is one of the reasons that some folks dont even show up on our radar- either in the therapy office or the home. The basic idea here is that many of us can have this kind of "dark passenger" which can waken or arise and take the form of another voice or something more subtle, which can act as a powerful "itch" in the mind which calls for certain actions. I.e. the nagging impulse. What can happen is a "perfect storm" of external circumstances, ideas, beliefs, attributions, predictions, and feelings which constitutes a "call to action" satisfied only by dying. All or much of this can remain unseen by even the closest friends or family.

It should be pretty apparent by now that su***de is a big problem and its getting bigger by the month. We know that there is a contagion that can occur in a school or amongst children's affiliate (friends/acquaintances) or consanguinal (family) groups. It also occurs in adults who struggle with depression or other related disorders. It also happens when people struggle with dreadful degenerative diagnoses/conditions. Look at Robin Williams, whose Parkinsons diagnosis probably played a strong role in his su***de. What I need to address is the fact that it can come suddenly or predictably; but in any case there are at least two prominent factors. The first is the presence of a background of depression and loss or frustrations which can form the underlayment of a progressive deterioration of the bond to life. It can remain largely unseen due to masking and adaptations by the sufferer to the point that close associates or family may either say "wow, i had no clue", or "yes, I saw hints of that here and there". In any case, the incidents where a person kills oneself "out of nowhere", or after a period of outward stability tends to surprise and stagger others. We have known that su***des can have a tendency to become more at peace and even outwardly happy before su***de. That has much to do with their resignation to their end and see it as a release. This is often accompanied by the su***de giving away possessions or making grand contributions to charitable causes. In any case, I want to address the elephant in the room, that deep cause of su***de. I want to thank the writers of "Dexter" for providing a suitable metaphor for the problem. In so many people, suffering, and even a drive to death involves the activity or influence of a "Dark Passenger". In this scenario, the su***de has to deal with an "alternate" lifeform in themselves. In this case I would reframe this as a "deathform", an anti-life persona which can take residence in a person.

Office at 25050 Peachland

Im going to have to go out on a limb here and to heck with politically correct; that "public safety" employee who had to go out of his way (not just one "button") to send a ballistic missile alert to millions of Hawaiians has undoubtedly created a whopping case of mass PTSD. Who's going to pay for the therapy that millions might now need? I grew up in a time when the threat of nuclear annihilation was pervasive; remember the drills? BUT we didnt get a "real" alert. We became a bit desensitized by the air raid sirens that they tested each month. It gets really scary when you imagine that a number of those who heard the alert might have decided to shoot their neighbor or wife to finish a vendetta; how many murder-su***des were on the way before the alert was cancelled? If you talk to enough people you will realize that there are a bunch who would rather commit su***de than burn in a fireball. That employee is too careless (or malicious) for words and should be reassigned to the unemployment line. He has given millions of people a "Remember when..." story, but not the good kind. The absence of riots and obvious murder seems to indicate that we arent without some grace and hope. I just sense that the veneer of civility is rather thin lately.

Yet another gem of wisdom from Carolyn Hax in regard to parenting issues. I do a lot of work with parents and children; much of which amounts to helping the parents navigate challenges with guiding and correcting children. A snippet from one of her responses resonates with my overall beliefs and is as follows:
"The high road in a two-parent home is a consistent and cooperative effort to raise functional kids, reflecting a balance of their parents’ priorities — and therefore probably not exactly reflecting what either one of the parents might prefer in its purest state." Here, Carolyn addresses a parent who has problems with differing rules and expectations between parents and reflects a need for both to try to stay as close to being on the same page as possible when dealing with children who split the parents and end up choosing the rules which are most lenient or amenable to their wishes.

I was reading a Carolyn Hax column and came across yet another gem of wisdom. In addressing a newlywed who's husband has become suddenly and powerfully controlling, Carolyn had the usual warnings and the accompanying recommendation for therapy. When she said "Please do talk to a pro as soon as possible; change is inevitable, but with controlling tendencies, the changes you get in the absence of therapeutic intervention are rarely good ones." Boy, that hit the nail on the head and I want to add "sooner the better". In cases like this and others, it can be a disservice to yourself and your future to postpone seeking some objective assistance. Dont wait until its too late! Over time, Ive developed the belief that if a wife has to use the "D" word to get the husband/partner into therapy, its probably too late as so much damage can be done that the resentments and disillusionment have snowballed to untreatable levels. Most people have a threshold or liimit that they set beyond which they give up or disassemble the relationship. In too many cases, and those which end badly, one of the partners discovers in therapy that they passed that limit a while back and are actually "going through the motions" on their way to divorce court.

Ive been getting more and more referrals for folks with anxiety and panic disorder. Ive found that the use of biofeedback, imagery, and training in thought-shifting, grounding, and mindfulness has been of phenomenal benefit. Im seeing clients shift from several 911 calls/week to 0/week within 3 weeks. It works so well, it seems like voodoo!!