The After Effect

I Cry!

There is disappointment within me
I look around and see what’s in front of me
Is it enough? I ask myself daily
It could be like a song I’ve heard
Never Enough for me!
I reminisce on how much time wasted
How much jobs refused or left
Was it worth it?
As I sit and reflect on all that have occurred
Was it all a waste
My total existence questioned
Regret overflows of should’ve and could’ve
Overflowing in my mind.
Within it all inside of me
A longing so deep that no human can fulfill.
But God only knows I must be utterly still.

Vonetta Prudence Sprosta

Can I be Honest!

When I tell the truth the words come out.
it is not forced, it comes from the gut.
There is intensity, there is courage.
Behind the tone and the body language.
When I tell the truth will they hear what I say
Will they acknowledge the boldness it took to display.
When I tell the truth, sometimes it hurts others, some will receive it and be on their way, while others may have tears in their eyes.
Wait hold on! that's not what I meant.
Did they hear the words that came out of my face!
You're abrasive, some say, A brute beast they state, oh my! So harsh and rude!
I shun away.
Maybe I will not speak up, while my bones wither away.
There is no filter oh what have I become.
The regret of shame Lingers, I should've said!
Is it verbal abuse, so familiar so real, I've become that teen again, not being heard and misunderstood, it's not them what's wrong with me?
As the church and friends says I love you(s), anenor sis!
Wait what happened to all those? I love you’s, I hear them no more!
When the truth is told, don't they understand that, speaking the truth it frees the spirit and does not damage the soul!

Vonetta Prudence Sprosta

The Voice that Lingers.

It started with her from the moment we met she is all I recall when my head laid to rest.
You see I heard hear in the mornings, noon and night as she walked the house she made into a home.
I rarely remember any complaints out of her, if she did so I don't recall.
She told me before I left the words I wanted so hard to forget.
You see there was anger of pain and hurt to be sent away to a place unknown.
You must go she said this is the only way, she ready for you a stranger at most.
The person I needed to go and be with was the one that I needed to meet.
Wait I don't want to go, you're all that I know please let me stay, I'll be clean I won't play!
As I cried and I wept, there was no avail"
You must go and don't forget "write Gul write" (Guyanese Creole) was the one thing she.
As I awake with tears and write, the voice of Grandma is the one that
Stands the Test of Times!

V.P.S

The After Effect My observations, experiences, laughter, pain, love and foolishness. This too shall pass.

There seems to be the inevitable life altering experience that happens to us at one time or another,
it occurs at most unexpected time and when least expected.
Sometimes it happens at night or in the day.
It can be a long painful process or it can be fast!
Unfortunately no one is around to share the details, it’s mostly hear say.
I was once informed that “no one has left this place alive” and nothing is more precise than this.
We all must go at some point but have we fully lived before that time comes!

I am not as young. I sign up to take an assessment test to get into the Police Department at the prime age of 40 something, their max age is 65 yes that is correct. The Lord has shown mercy on me or so I thought! Weltz
I woke up one day and decided that since I wanted to become a Police Officer in my younger days. I received a 99% on the exam in NYC , but not too long after I found out I was pregnant and I did not want to pursue it further for safety of the child and myself.
Now I had no excuses, I submitted an email and asked about the age requirements, and what else is needed they responded right away asking for my degree and age. Then they informed me that they had an endurance exam coming up and I could attend, I needed to dress accordingly with sweats and sneakers and then walk with other items for the remainder of the day slacks, I packed my back pack and was ready to spend the entire day getting this job. Police Academy "here I come" I even watched the short clip on what the endurance tested entailed. Yep I was ready!!
The morning of I did my usual morning routine, stretching, walking the dog, I even ran a bit and then went on to my destination.
I get to the training site and I was a couple of minutes early, I asked the young man if we had to sign in or anything since no officers were present and he stated we needed to stay in our vehicles till they come out.
Not too long after the Officer's came out and one stated that the short video obsticle course testing was not the one they were using anymore the new one they had in front of us we were the 1st one's to test on it Yikes!! I stated in my head. This older Office came out and showed us how we needed to do everthing from hurdles to jumping over a gate and out a window and dragging a 140lb dummy and running up some stairs.
The 1st person went and completed his assessment in as little as 1 minute and 40 seconds (he was 21 years old)
The 2nd person went he was older gentleman and was about 35+ he did good time also.
I decided I would go next I walk the dog everyday twice a day, I mean this is easy, I was in a cadet program in the FIre Department in NYC, years ago but I can do this.
Well it started off well, I ran like my life depended on it, Then I went in to do the serious stuff, the hurdles 1st I think I hit one and they probably had pitty on me but I kept going, the next thing was the stairs I ran up and down fine but then when I ran back up the stair my left leg felt like it was going to buckle under me, I was like is this the end Lord!
I made it down the stairs and then jumped over the fence thing and then they had this little bridge to jump over and I did not even try cause I felt like I was going to die, I just hopped over it.
the window task came up and I jumped over that then the next task was to drag the dummy of my gosh! I kid you not that thing weighed twice as me and I could not drag it, I actually fell in the dirty mud I was so made and sad. The Office that gave the instructing kept yelling grab it and go, go, go and I stated "it looked so much easier than it is, it's so hard". I coughed and coughed finally got myself together.
Well I say this to say I did not pass that endurance exam. I may go back just to prove that I can do it due to my pride. The next exam is June/July 2021.

Today was the day! It had to happen this way. It was a prolonged and painful few months of living in a new location, starting a new job that constantly enabled pain on her body. One person slammed into her while she turned around to walk. Another person Slammed into the same area of her body with a box. Another location the same thing happened in the same area with a different person and her elbow. Mentally and emotionally she has had enough. The last straw came when she was left to work at the fast food restaurant by herself when the entire supposedly team of four walk out on her.

She was through and done with the situation and wanted to never go back to a place of total chaos and physical pain. She wanted to get fired but they refused to let her go. She chose in the end to walk away and not look back.

Not knowing the future and all that may or may not be in store for her Bridgett has stepped out on faith to the unknow. With no job, a new apartment which she just moved into less than a week ago and her furry friend. She has a peace of mind but for how long and how will she survive?

What's wrong they say! she wonders in her head. then she says, why do you ask, do I look ill? The response is usually oh because you're not smiling, I thought something was wrong. Her response nothing is wrong but now it feels like something should be wrong.

She then tries to smile to please and satisfy the ones that have looked at and try to read her in so many different ways.

The funny thing is she's wearing a mask and still get questioned about is she ok. Her final response is yes she's fine. All you had to do was ask. If there's a reason to smile then she would smile and not have to be commanded to do so to please the unsatisfied, judgmental few!

When Will it End!
I see the constant face on the ground, it's not by choice only force, lack of love or could it be hate or a total disregard for life.
Dark skinned, strong, masculine down on the ground.
Unable to move due to the restriction, of a knee in his neck, he begs and plea for air, "I Can't Breathe."

Can't you hear, the plea the desire to live, even asking for his mother. Do they hear? Do they Care?
Uniforms blue, with a gold badge (to protect and serve), it once stated.
There’s aggression, anger, force, intensity, violence.
Brutality occurs in the form of punching, hitting, knee on neck
There’s a lack of care or concern for this human being.
I hear I can’t breathe, I see he’s not moving
Onlookers are yelling and screaming stop, stop
But to no avail it goes to deaf ears.
Deaf ears that took an oath to Protect and Serve.
Do they know who they need to help?
weekly, daily, monthly, yearly on the news the brutality, injustice, murders continues.
the color that is feared, many are threatened by.
due to their own insecurity, hatred and hard hearts.
With no repercussions or consequences for the wrong doing that have occurred.
This is a constant reminder "Emitt Till" and the various senseless murders of African Americans that continues in the “The Land of the Free!”