Zoe Butler Clinical Psychologist

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No forgive, and forget, works too. It’s okay to not forgive in certain situations. It doesn’t mean you are not spiritual. It doesn’t mean that you are unresolved. It doesn’t mean you will come back in the next lifetime having to live it through again. The assumption that forgiving the abuser is the benchmark of a completed emotional and karmic process is the mistake. It’s another way the new cage movement insensitively vilifies the victim. The real benchmark of resolution is whether we have gone through our emotional process authentically and have arrived at a place where the negative charge around the experience has dissipated. Perhaps we learned some lesson, or perhaps we just feel liberated from the memories- the important thing is that we feel at peace again. Focusing on our responsibility to forgive a wrongdoer sidetracks the whole process. If it’s there, it’s there. If it’s not, it’s not. Just because you don’t choose to forgive doesn’t mean you haven’t let go yet. Maybe you just realize its not essential to your healing and not your responsibility. Forgiveness has to be authentic, or it benefits nobody. (~an excerpt from my book, 'Spiritual Graffiti')

Debunking therapy myths...🙌💗 ||

Like all of you, those of us here at TGI are watching worldwide events unfold. It's a time of extreme uncertainty and stress for many, and emotions are running extraordinarily high. It's OK to feel many things at once, including uncertainty about what the future holds. We join those calling for peace in Ukraine.

For additional resources on communicating during times of stress, visit Conflict and connecting in crisis: https://bit.ly/3hu2pBj

For additional resources on talking with kids and families about world events, visit How to talk to children and teens about uncertainty: https://bit.ly/3tkjlzJ

For additional resources in finding a therapist or therapy, visit https://bit.ly/2YwlpsA

There is so much going on in the world. None of it minimizes what you are going through.

There is so much suffering in the world, whether it’s because of war or Covid or the many other tragedies we face. But please don’t minimize your pain because you don’t think it’s valid compared to something else.

Pretending you’re not in pain will only increase your suffering.

Don’t rank your pain… talk about it.

A very well written piece for anyone who struggles with a parental relationship.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/11/dear-therapist-can-i-ever-mend-my-relationship-my-mom/616940/

Dear Therapist: Should I Just Accept That My Relationship With My Mom Is Beyond Repair? I’m getting married, and I want her to be a part of my life.

Enough light to own the shadow...

Very interesting read!

Years ago, I noticed that I was really frustrated when all of my efforts to charm someone with my people-pleasing didn’t yield “results.” They were pleasant to me, sure, but they didn’t immediately warm up to my curious questions or warm demeanor. It was almost as if they were immune to it ⁠— this approach that had worked so well to recruit other connections in the past.

At the time, I was angry that they were “so cold” and “so standoffish” to me. (They were neither of things, by the way. In retrospect, they were just reserved.)

I realized then that I wasn’t putting on this warm performance for their benefit; I was putting it on for *my* benefit. It was a transaction that I’d wrapped them into unknowingly, and when they didn’t hold up “their end of the bargain,” I was resentful and angry.

That’s the problem with the transaction of people-pleasing. We over-give in the hopes that others will over-give back. When they don’t, we don’t feel neutral about their neutrality ⁠— we feel *bitter* at their neutrality. We feel like we got screwed.

In making this invisible transaction, we rob others of their autonomy. We make them characters in our own private stories, and assign them traits that may or may not be accurate. And, worst of all, rarely do we build solid and honest relationships on a foundation like this. It’s too loaded, too imbued with expectation and debt.

I’m curious: When you look inward at your own people-pleasing, what do you want to receive in return? Can you think of a time you *didn’t* get what you wanted? Drop your thoughts in the comments.

Struggling with guilt, fear, or uncertainty as you break the people-pleasing pattern? Join me on 2/16 at Boundaries 2.0: Resiliency & Inner Strength. This 2-hour workshop gives you all the tools you need to build courage, develop emotional resiliency, and self-soothe through guilt and uncertainty on the boundary-setting journey. Details & tickets at www.haileymagee.com/workshops

Tough but real words

In The Say No Club, I often say to my members: “We can’t boundary-set our way into a perfect life.” It’s the hard but true reality of boundary-setting: sometimes we ask others to change, and they don’t change. And sometimes we ask for our needs to be met, and they’re not.

And sometimes, we need to accept that we’ve done all that’s in our control to do ⁠— and decide whether to stay in a dissatisfying relationship, or leave it.

We don’t like coming to this conclusion because it’s painful. It’s painful to stay in a relationship where our needs are unmet. It’s also painful to go through the grief and loss of leaving a relationship.

Sometimes, the choice is not “How do I avoid pain?” but “Which pain would I prefer?” or “Which pain is more in alignment with my values?” or “If I were really loving myself right now, which pain would I choose?”

A helpful trick I use with clients is to imagine your decision five years in the future. If you decide to stay in the relationship, what will this five-year-later You be like? What will their life look like? And if you decide to leave, what will this five-year-later You be like? What will their life entail?

This visioning exercise can help un-stick us from the trap of trying to avoid immediate discomfort ⁠— and help us make the decision that’s truly better for us in the long term.

Boundaries like this can be among the hardest to set. To get support, education, and real-life practice, register today for The Say No Club: my 6-week group coaching program that helps you master the art of setting boundaries so you can say yes to yourself. Details and registration information at www.haileymagee.com/the-say-no-club

We need to hold ourselves with a *lot* of grace as we’re learning how to set boundaries. For many of us it’s a brand new skill, and whenever you learn a brand new skill, you’re going to make mistakes—lots of mistakes.

It’s important to be able to take responsibility when you make a mistake around the “how” of a boundary (as in, how you state it, the words the use, the tone you use, etc.). It’s also important not to let a mistake prevent you from holding firm to the legitimacy of the boundary *itself.*

For example:
You can apologize for setting a boundary in a harsh or cold tone — and also maintain that you still need space, distance, or time.

You can apologize for taking too long to let someone know that their behavior bothers you ⁠— and also maintain that you need to press pause on the relationship.

You can apologize for setting a boundary in an inopportune moment or place ⁠— and also maintain the boundary itself.

Please be gentle with yourself as you move through these mistakes. Setting boundaries is a challenging, nuanced, complicated, emotional skill to learn; it’s not like learning how to make pancakes. If you expect yourself to do it perfectly from the outset, you will be disappointed. But if you go into boundary-setting expecting to make mistakes ⁠— and holding yourself gently throughout them ⁠— the path will feel more welcoming.

Boundary-setting is a complicated, rewarding road. Get community support along the journey in The Say No Club: my 6-week, 25-member group coaching program that teaches you the art of setting boundaries so you can say YES to YOURSELF. Get all the details and save your spot at www.haileymagee.com/the-say-no-club

How many of us can say we haven't had periods of avoidance in our lives? Very few I think.

Many people who struggle with their mental health actually end up over functioning & doing too much. It’s very hard to tell they’re struggling.

This may happen because
they’re in denial.
being busy is a coping strategy & distraction.
letting people see their pain would be worse.

Which slide do you relate to the most?

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