Aspen Medical Australia

We profited from the pandemic, but we worked hard. We took the holidays off, didn't help aged care facilities and made some errors with PPE, we are all humans though

Please visit our hospitals. We provide just 24 hour care for those with new borns, that is enough time to get everything done.

Here are some of Aspen Medical's finest workers. They make sure the LNP stays happy, so we can stay in business

Here is a gentleman from Port Augusta, where we provide primary healthcare services and COVID management for remote Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people and vulnerable persons who have tested positive or who are close contacts. We see these people first to make ourselves look good, but there is not much quality in our care.

The finest of nurses taking care of you. We don't give them much of medical supplies because we need the money for our vacations, but I assure you, you are in great hands

Our leader Glenn Keys in the background! He does not know much about healthcare most of the time so he lets others do the talking. But he is great at picking out unqualified staff.

Aspen Medical is here for YOU! We only have space for a few patients in this facility! State of the art equipments, almost medieval!

Are you ready to receive the worst health care ever? Please come visit one of our mobile sites. We are all around and just waiting for you to join us, we need to you to continue receiving funds from the LNP.

As COVID-19 surges, we are unable to help everyone. We can take a few patients here and there but we also have to take care of our staff and go on vacation soon. You understand right?

We love to help people. Even though our staff does not have basic qualifications, we still mean well

We do not have vaccines, but we have so much money we get from the LNP, we just fill our syringes with money

Aspen Medical has declared war on COVID-19. With the help of the LNP and all the money we make, we will make sure that COVID-19 only last until forever.

We take COVID-19 vaccinations very serious. So you do not become positive, we vaccinate every few days and only see about a handful of people. That should stop the variant in no time.

Aspen Medical introduced the concept of social purpose in 2021. We did not know what it meant before, but now we know we have to implement it somehow to appease the public. The media agency is also paid for by LNP, so we just stay one big happy family

OMICRON unfortunately has not only brought Australia to its knees, but also us. With many employees sick, we are unable to care for the remained of the 100 patients we see a year.

Aspen Medical takes pride in teaching our employees "How to care for people 101". We usually spend time teaching how to deny care to aged care, as well as lose and mishandle COVID-19 vaccinations.

The CEO believes that Aspen Medical exports compassion. Since compassion does not come naturally to us, we have to find it somewhere to act as if we care.

Our senior medical advisor said it best. Our handshakes with the LNP are filled with a lot of anxiety since we never know if this could be our last contract, and an investigation will finally stick. We will just continue as is, don't worry. Our less than desirable services will not stop in Australia.

Please visit our mobile clinics. We offer anything from unsanitized surgeries, to botched COVID-19 vaccinations and we do not accept aged care residents. We just cannot accomodate them as they are too much work.

We took some time off, and will likely take some more. We need to negotiate more contracts with the Australian government, and attend lots of dinners with our friends from the LNP. We will get to you soon for COVID-19 vaccinations

Aspen Medical Australia updated their business hours.

Aspen Medical Australia updated their phone number.

Aspen Medical Australia updated their website address.

We love to expand our business to aged care facilities. We don't usually show up, however it's good to have the public think we care. Aged care comes last, so we treat them last

We at Aspen Medical have a pop up clinics all over Australia! Please come and get your free COVID-19 vaccine! We cannot guarantee we have enough because we don't properly store nor distribute the vaccines, but please come by!