Mindset By Amanda

Positive affirmations go a long way with cultivating a healthier mindset.

They help reinforce self-belief, reduce stress, and boost overall well-being.

Repeating positive statements can rewire the brain to focus on strengths and possibilities, making it easier to maintain motivation towards your goals.

The classic Operations Game is used in therapy as it can help in multiple ways to help children develop a range of skills.
Both physical and cognitive.

Fine motor skills
Hand eye coordination
Focus and attention
Emotional regulation and frustration tolerance
Confidence building
And when in a group, social skills.

Each Mindset By Amanda session tailors interventions to each child’s unique needs, interests and developmental level, which makes it more engaging and effective.

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Morning thoughts.

Life gives us lessons through experiences, while time reveals the importance of patience and the process of growth. Together, they teach resilience, wisdom, and the value of living in the moment.

Value each experience and connection deeply.

Maybe you needed to hear this or share this with someone 💓

A gentle reminder to ‘embrace’ what brings happiness with ease and grace.

Hello, Mindset By Amanda is Open after a short break..
And taking on new clients, with several spots available across the week.
Sessions include, over the phone, video calls, walk and talks, outdoors, your home environment or school (where approved).

Reach out today to secure your spot.
Via DM or email [email protected]

Children, teenagers and adult counselling support available.

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Over the past few weeks we have spoken about anxiety, and how adults and children both experience this emotion.

Here is a recap of some strategies when supporting your child to break free from anxiety.

(Sometimes helpful, almost always unhelpful, and almost always helpful).

Choose what works for you – adapt to suit your family, your values.

Worry time is a strategy for children, but can also be valuable for adults.
Any form of time dedicated to communicate important things on our mind is helpful.

Worry time is when children can talk about things that make them anxious at a set time, away from those hectic times in the family’s day.

Scheduling a worry time is like a circuit breaker, it interrupts conversations that can be long and circular by scheduling a special time.
Worry time shows you take their worries seriously and they can talk about them in detail but contained in one conversation.
It can be once a day if needed. Avoid busy times like going to school or bedtime. It should be when it suits the family.

When children say they’re worried, ask them to make a note of it or a drawing and bring it to worry time.

Worry time is your opportunity to encourage the use of skills to manage worries. If you’ve taught them about flexible thinking, it’s the perfect time to work on it.

The upside of worry time is that parents can properly acknowledge their child’s concerns.
Rather than having a series of fairly random conversations, it’s a set platform, if you like, to help children confront their worries and work on a plan for dealing with them.

5-15 minutes is suffice.

Gradually, children will have fewer things to bring to worry time. It can be reduced to every few days, then once a week and eventually phased out.

Following the post from yesterday.

Before you start developing a fear ladder with your child, you first need to explain to them what a fear ladder is and how it works.

Basically, it’s a way of gradually working towards facing your fears but doing it in a really manageable way, so it doesn’t feel really scary and overwhelming.

“I thought it would be a fantastic strategy for you to use with your goal of getting back to school. Because you’ve been super anxious about school, and you haven’t been going for a little while. And you’ve mentioned that you want to get back, but it’s really scary for you. So, this could be a way of gradually working up to that goal. What do you reckon?”

“Great, let’s work together on the steps that will work for you, where do you think we should start?”

Bottom of ladder: driving up to the school gate.
Next: putting my uniform on and driving up to the school gate.
Next: …..
Next: …..
Next: attend school half a day.
Top of ladder: attend school for a full day.

Remember, the fear ladder is intrinsically rewarding because after mastering each step a child can look back and think, “I did it! I didn’t think I could, but I did. Maybe that top step isn’t impossible after all.”
However, that sense of confidence and mastery takes time. In the meantime, encouragement, praise and other rewards are very important to help motivate children to face up to their fears. This is why it’s a good idea to also talk about rewards when you first introduce the idea of a fear ladder to your Child.

Note:
A reward system will help children to overcome any initial reluctance to begin with and to motivate them to keep going.
So, a good idea is to develop a system that rewards a child for working on their fear ladder, a system you devise with their input.
Talk to your child about the rewards they’d like to be earning. Nothing expensive, perhaps start with fun activities like a family bike ride, maybe a favorite meal.

Ideas of rewards:
⭐️ choosing their favourite meal
⭐️ games night
⭐️ go to the movies
⭐️ playing with a friend after school
⭐️ park play
⭐️ ice-cream before dinner

Exercise for children, parents can complete at home with their child.

The idea of climbing up a ladder is actually an ideal way to take on anxiety gradually, one step at a time. Small steps to overcome big fears.

It doesn’t matter how many steps there are, and the steps can actually be swapped or adjusted as you work through the fear ladder together.

When you use the fear ladder, the behavior or goal, otherwise known as the thing I find really hard to do, can be broken down into specific steps. Because exposure is all about taking small steps to confront fears.
It’s really important that the steps towards the chosen goal can be practiced regularly.

It’s important your child has input into developing the fear ladder.

When you arrange the steps in order from easiest to most difficult, you may notice gaps in the difficulty ratings where it might feel like the jump between the steps is just a little bit too big, and what you might need to do there is add an extra step or two.

THE STEP-BY-STEP PROCESS

1. Identify the feared situation.
Choose something with steps that can be practiced often, ideally every day.

2. Break the situation down into small, manageable steps.

3. Rearrange the steps in order of increasing difficulty.
Put the steps in order from easiest to most difficult. Check for gaps in the difficulty ratings where the jump between steps may be too big.

4. Implement the fear ladder.
Start with the easiest step. Practice often, and complete each step successfully a number of times before the next step is attempted.

⭐️

Anxiety in children - Cycle of avoidance.

No parent likes to see their child anxious.
Parents of anxious children often allow them to avoid situations that provoke anxiety. It’s an instinctive reaction to seeing their child distressed. When children are anxious, parents often let them get out of doing something. Children may become so agitated and anxious, the parents give up in frustration.

Parents may be concerned their child won’t be able to control their anxiety or behaviour appropriately if they’re stressed. They’re being protective, and it’s understandable.

No one likes to see their child distressed like that. Wanting to protect your child is an instinctive parent reaction. But protectiveness can become over-protectiveness, which can then become part of the problem. If there’s a pattern of avoidance and parents keep allowing it, changing the pattern becomes a lot harder. anxiety becomes the boss.
Overcoming avoidance really is the key. Without reducing avoidance, it’s impossible to manage anxiety effectively.

Generally for children - trying to force a child to suddenly confront feed situations is not the answer. A planned, gradual approach is crucial.

👉🏼
The next post will be drawing on a well research and highly effective principal known as exposure. Exposure is all about confronting fears, rather than avoiding them, but in a gradual, safe way.

One important step in reversing the anxiety cycle is gradually confronting feared situations.

If you do this, it will lead to an improved sense of confidence which will help reduce your anxiety and allow you to go into situations that are important to you .

Some people might encourage you to tackle your biggest fear first - to jump in the deep end and get it over and done with. However many people prefer to take it step-by-step this is called gradual exposure. (Like climbing a ladder, step-by-step).

You start with situations that are easier for you to handle, than work your way up to more challenging tasks.

This allows you to build your confidence slowly, to use other skills you have learned, to get used to the situations, and to challenge your fears about each situational exposure exercise.

by doing this in a structured and repeated way, you have a good chance of reducing your anxiety about those situations.

🧘 💭
Coping skills - Breathing and thinking better.
When you are gradually confronting feed situations, there will be a short term increase in anxiety. This is normal. Everyone feels anxious about doing things they fear.

The important thing to remember is that you can learn other skills as alternatives to avoidance and safety behaviours.

Breathing.
Anxiety is often associated with fast, shallow breathing which contributes to the physical sensations of an anxiety. By slowing down breathing and using calming and relaxation techniques, you can reduce your anxiety.

Thinking.
There are many types of negative thoughts associated with anxiety, such as “ I will not be able to cope” or “I must avoid this situation”.

Learning to challenge these thoughts with more balance ones can help you to reduce the experience of anxiety .

🔄
When the anxiety cycle is broken, it will look more like the image above.

Very common when dealing with anxiety is avoidance, and it’s by far the most common behavioral response when confronting anxiety-provoking thoughts or situations.

When people face a difficult or frightening situation, they often try to escape or avoid it, rather than dealing with it.

Avoiding things due to anxiety only leads to more anxiety.

Avoidance usually makes people less anxious in the first instance. So, it may seem like a good way to deal with anxiety. Unfortunately, that’s not the case.

While avoidance might work in the short term which of course is why people do it, in the long term, it actually makes anxiety stronger and more powerful? meaning that it’s not helpful overall.

When you avoid a situation, you miss out on the chance to see that you can actually face up to what you fear.

Think of it this way, when people’s anxiety makes them avoid situations, it’s the anxiety that is in charge. It’s the boss.

Here’s a way you might explain this to children or your adult self.
Anxiety is like an octopus that sneaks its arms into all the different parts of your life. Avoiding things feeds the octopus, making it bigger and stronger. So, a really good question to ask is:

“Who do you want to be the boss? You or the anxiety octopus?🐙 “

Flexible thinking is a really useful life skill. And just like physical flexibility, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Think of it as mental gym or exercising your mind.

Firstly it’s important to understand that thoughts are not the same as facts.
Thoughts are linked in with feelings and behaviours.
And that different ways of thinking can lead to very different consequences.

Set a regular time for mental gym, complete this exercise for yourself or with your child / family. Children require guidance and prompting.

First, you need to teach yourself or your child to catch their thoughts.
You could ask: “What bad things are you expecting to happen?” or “What are you saying to yourself that’s making you feel worried?”.

Once the anxiety-provoking thoughts have been identified, there are a few different options you can try.

Come up with other ways of thinking.
So for instance you might say: “OK, that’s one way of making sense of the situation, but what are some other ways?”

You can encourage yourself and your child to question how accurate their anxious thoughts are and to look at the evidence? All the evidence, rather than just assuming the worst.

And to come up with more helpful thoughts like: “I can do this if I practice” or “I did better this time.”

The goal is to exercise the mind to become a flexible thinker.

Note:
There is more than one way to think about a situation.
Thoughts are not facts. Sometimes they’re guesses or a bit of both.
Most thoughts come and go and usually don’t last very long.
You don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, so if you’re thoughts are about something worrying you in the future, it’s like making a guess.
And there’s always more than one way to think about anything that happens.
There are helpful thoughts, those that make you feel good, and unhelpful thoughts, the ones that make you feel unhappy.

The first trap is assuming that something bad will happen.

The first step in getting out of this trap is to actually identify the unhelpful thoughts. When you feel anxiety levels starting to rise, ask yourself, ‘what am I telling myself about this situation that’s making me feel so worried?’
ask yourself how likely is it that your anxiety-provoking thought is true? What’s the evidence for and against your worrying thought? How realistic is it?

To figure out the answer to that question, approach your thought like a detective or a scientist.
In coming to a conclusion about how realistic it is that your worrying thought is true, you need to look at all the evidence.

……

Another thinking trap is assuming that if something bad does happen, the consequences will be literally unbearable?so bad you won’t be able to cope at all.

The first step in getting out of this trap is to actually think about what would happen if your worrying thought were true.

The next step is to ask yourself about your own capacity to deal with it. Could I cope? Think about tough situations you’ve dealt with before, especially situations where you may have doubted your own ability to cope.

Coping thoughts are positive, realistic statements you can use to manage stress, anxiety, or difficult emotions. Here are a few examples:

1. *”This feeling will pass. I’ve gotten through tough times before, and I can do it again.”*
2. *”I don’t have to be perfect; it’s okay to make mistakes.”*
3. *”I can’t control everything, but I can control how I respond.”*
4. *”I’m doing the best I can with what I have right now.”*
5. *”This is challenging, but I can handle it one step at a time.”*

Do you have a specific situation in mind where you could use a coping thought?

Changing thought patterns.

Many thoughts and beliefs are so much a part of us that they come into our minds automatically.

We’re often not really aware of them. But they are there, and with time and practice, you can learn to identify and evaluate them.

Thoughts and beliefs can be changed.

The key to that is practice. Like learning any new skill, practice is important.

People can manage their anxiety by changing the way they think about things, so by thinking more positively? Yes

But we’re not talking about learning to thinking positively necessarily. Really what we’re talking about is learning to think flexibly and realistically.

When it comes to the way people think, it’s like there is a whole range of thinking styles, a continuum if you like.
On the one hand, we’ve got overly negative thinking. ➖
And on the other end of the spectrum, we’ve got overly positive thinking. ➕
So, often, we can assume that thinking positively is always a good thing.

Really what we want is for them to be in the middle, to be thinking realistically about the situation.
Being a realistic thinker, being able to realistically weigh up threat and risk, is a really crucial life skill.

Remember, anxiety is all about the expectation of possible threat. The other thing to keep in mind is that anxiety is actually serving a really important purpose or function - in that it helps us to prepare or get ready for potentially threatening or dangerous situations.
And of course, in life there are always going to be situations that are potentially threatening or dangerous. Situations that actually warrant anxiety.

The way people think: The ABC Model.

Most people think certain events cause certain feelings. But often the same event will actually trigger different reactions in different people.

Sometimes, the same event on a different day will actually trigger different reactions in the same person.

You see, it depends on a person’s beliefs and thoughts. In other words, what they are telling themselves about the event or situation, or how they are making sense of it.

The ABC model is a tool that demonstrates this.
The A is the activating event. In other words, the thing that actually happens.
The A leads to the B, your beliefs or thoughts about the activating event.
These beliefs then result in the C part of the model, the consequences. Consequences can be emotional, so how you feel. They can be physical, sensations in your body. And they can be behavioral, what you actually do.

Same activating event, but through the lens of two very different sets of beliefs about that event. As a result, there were two very different sets of consequences.

People who experience a lot of anxiety tend to see the world as a more dangerous and threatening place. They tend to see threat and danger in situations where other people might not.

Learning to be a more flexible, realistic thinker means not always jumping to the worst conclusion. Instead, being able to think of other explanations, including ones that are more realistic and cause less anxiety.

At first, it can be hard to separate thoughts from feelings. It takes practice, for adults as well as children!

The final building block.

Effective ways of coping;
One way to help children manage difficult feelings and emotions is with coping cards.
You see, when we’re stressed or upset, for whatever reason, we’re often not thinking straight. Anxiety literally works to disengage the part of our brain that helps us to make good decisions. And this goes for all of us: children, teenagers and adults.
In these moments, it can really help to refer to a coping card.

It could be a piece of paper that’s kept in your pocket, or for older children, a short note on a mobile phone. When anxiety is causing worry and tension, the tip on the card is easily available.

The message on the coping card could be something simple such as “I’ve been worried like this before and the feeling goes away”.

Your child should create their own coping statement (don’t do it for them). For younger children it can just be a few words — for example I can do this — or even a picture.

Another idea for coping is controlled breathing.
There are a variety of Apps available to help remind you to breathe.

Parents can reinforce a child’s ability to meet challenges and solve problems.

Let your children know you believe in their ability to sort things out for themselves. Although it can be tempting to jump in and solve our children’s problems for them, whenever we do that, our children are learning that they need us in order to deal with their problems.
When children believe they have the capacity to deal with tricky situations, they’re much less likely to feel down and defeated and more likely to be positive and confident.

Help your children to get into the habit of identifying situations where they do demonstrate resilience.

Noticing and celebrating ‘bounce-back’ moments
It’s important to notice and celebrate times when children show emotional resilience.

Pay attention to this type of resilience and praise your child when they are able to ‘bounce back’ from disappointment (and other uncomfortable feelings).

OPTIMISM CAN BE LEARNED
Feelings can come from what children ‘tell themselves’ about the experiences they have. Optimistic thinking is a key life skill. When children believe they have the capacity to deal with challenging situations, even if they make mistakes or need to try a few times, they are less likely to feel down, powerless or defeated. Over time, they become more confident in their abilities.

And for adults, it’s about rewiring your thinking patterns through a combination of mindset shifts.
- Cultivate gratitude
- Challenge negative thoughts
- Practice positive affirmations
- Set realistic goals
- surround yourself with positive people
- Focus on solutions not problems
- Engage in mindfulness
- Practice self-compassion
By consistently applying these strategies, adults can gradually develop a more optimistic outlook. Therefore increasing your ability to meet challenges and solve problems, noticing anxiety, but working through it.
Anxiety doesn’t own your life, you have the strength to shape your own pathways.

We want children to grow up being aware of their feelings and to know that it’s quite OK to have all kinds of different feelings. It’s not wrong to be angry, sad or afraid sometimes.

Without this awareness, they might struggle to make sense of their own reactions to situations. Their own behavior isn’t going to make sense to them.

Feelings Thermometer: Is a tool that helps with the idea of measuring our feelings.

It introduces the concept of emotional intensity. Teaching children (and adults) to manage emotions whilst they are still low, before they spike to a 9/10.

If we’re feeling nervous or worried or scared, we often don’t notice that unless it’s really high, like a 10 or a 9 or an 8.
Now, this matters because it is actually really difficult for anyone to make use of effective coping strategies when their emotions are too intense.

Measuring our feelings with a feelings thermometer, is that sometimes we only notice it when it’s really strong and really intense, OK? But what we need to get really good at is starting to notice when our feelings are starting to just get worked up.
We need to start to notice them when they’re pretty low, because the idea of that is if we start to notice it when it’s low, we’re then able to use our coping strategies early on.

The first priority is to bring down the level of emotional intensity. This does eventually happen by itself, as emotions can’t stay at very high levels forever — they naturally subside. However, many children find that things like physical activity, listening to music or doing something relaxing can help them to manage uncomfortable emotions.

Note for parents:
At the end of the day, we need children to know that it is OK to express uncomfortable, hard feelings in front of their parents and that parents can handle their children’s distress. They won’t minimize its importance or be overwhelmed by it.
It is not possible or helpful to try and protect children from all emotional distress.
Hard, uncomfortable feelings and stressful situations, well, they’re part of life. The most useful thing we can do for children is to help them develop the skills to deal with these situations.

We can help our children learn to express their feelings appropriately by checking in with them when we notice that they are acting differently or seem down or preoccupied.
It’s important to let them know they’re not alone when they have uncomfortable feelings.

When they start to open up, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention.

Summarise what your child shares with you. This lets them know that you are listening carefully, and it also allows you to check that you have understood accurately.

Where it’s appropriate, validate your child’s feelings.
“Well, I’d imagine that if I was in that situation, I’d feel really sad too”

Praise your child for recognizing and talking about their feelings. You want them to be open like this and express their feelings appropriately.

Note for adults:
Expressing feelings appropriately means conveying your emotions in a way that is honest, clear, and considerate of both yourself and others.
Use “I” Statements: Frame your feelings using “I” statements to own your emotions and avoid placing blame. For example, say, “I feel hurt when...” “I feel worried when …” instead of “You make me feel...”

Be Honest but Kind: Be truthful about your feelings, but express them with kindness and respect.

Focus on the Present: Address your current feelings rather than bringing up past grievances. This helps keep the conversation focused and constructive.

Stay Calm and Measured: Take a deep breath and speak in a calm, composed manner. If emotions are high, consider taking a moment to collect your thoughts before continuing.

When we’re talking about emotional resilience, we really mean the ability to manage feelings, especially difficult feelings, and handle day-to-day stresses.

Let’s look at how to adapt in the face of anxiety whether it’s at school, at home or perhaps even in response to stressful, maybe even potentially traumatic events.

Above are the building blocks for developing emotional resilience.
When children become more emotionally resilient, they are better able to move through uncomfortable feelings. And same with adults!
They’ll cope more effectively with upsetting and stressful situations, and they’ll also be more mindful of how others are feeling.
They will also develop the capacity to solve their own problems rather than having to rely on others to do this for them. These skills can absolutely be taught and encouraged.

If you as an adult learn these building blocks, you can role model them to your children.
And practice becoming emotional resilience- it’s a win win!

What can cause anxiety in children.

Further information on role modelling:
When parents model anxious behavior like this, children can be influenced accordingly.

Children can learn to see danger in everyday situations if the possibility of threat is consistently communicated by others.

For example, a child who is frequently told to stay away from the swimming pool because they might drown becomes fearful of swimming and perhaps even eventually water in general.

Likewise, some children consistently miss out on opportunities to master challenging situations because of a parent’s wish to protect them.

Often, parents will solve their child’s problems for them or allow them to avoid anxiety-provoking situations to prevent distress and the possibility of failure. This is completely understandable, but the end result is that the child misses out on chances to develop competence and confidence.

Protecting and keeping our children safe is a parent’s number one priority. While the intent is to protect, constantly avoiding challenges can prevent children from developing resilience, problem solving skills and confidence.

A MODEL OF ANXIETY
😵‍💫
As you can see, anxiety tends to create a ‘vicious cycle’ unless something is done to overcome it.

The essence of anxiety is worrying about some potential threat. It is trying to cope with a future event that you think will be negative.
You do this by paying more attention to possible signs of potential threat, and looking internally to see whether you will be able to cope with that threat.
When you notice your anxious symptoms, you think that you can’t cope with the situation, and therefore become more anxious. This is the start of the vicious cycle of anxiety.