Family Nurture

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There are so many kinds of mother.

The mothers you cherish and celebrate.

The mothers who were never really there.

The mothers who broke you. Who built you.

The mothers who cheered you on. Who chipped away at you until you were dust.

The mothers who reveled in your astonishing intelligence and grace and power. Who saw only their own light.

The mothers who died painfully young.

The mothers who lived so long you felt yourself disintegrating with them. Petal by wilted petal.

The mothers who shined. Who dimmed. Who did their best. Who disappointed. Who redeemed themselves. Who accepted your redemption. Who zigged and zagged.

The mothers who were a beacon.

The mothers you never knew.

The mothers who sewed themselves into the quilt you became.

The mothers who couldn’t bear to tell the truth.

The mothers who were brave.

The mothers who didn’t know who they were without you. Who never saw you no matter how wildly you waved.

The mothers who grieved you. Who believed in you.

The mothers you call.

The mothers you no longer speak to.

The mothers you take for granted. Or treasure.

The dead mothers.

The mothers you have to search for and carry.

The mothers you find in people who are not your mother.

The mothers like a limb.

The mothers like a mirror.

The mothers like a flame.

The mothers you wish.

The mothers you love.

The mothers you ache.

The mothers you echo.

The mothers you wanted to be.

The mothers you became. I am thinking of you. I am holding you all.

✍️ Cheryl Strayed
Artist: Jessica Fry

“Put them in water or take them outside.” It was the first useful parenting advice I ever got. “Sleep when the baby sleeps”? I think the polite word for that gem is poppycock. But this particular axiom has saved me many times over.

I don’t remember how old my son was when I called my mom in tears because I couldn’t stop his, but his age was probably measured in weeks. Maybe days. “Nothing is working; I don’t know what else to try,” I sobbed. “He’s not hungry or sleepy or wet.” “Try giving him a bath,” she suggested. “Or bundle him up and take him outside for some fresh air. I always say to take them outside or put them in water, and usually, the grumpiness goes away.” It worked that day, and it’s worked many times since. We’ve done baths at 10 a.m. I’ve paced our driveway with a baby in my arms at 2 a.m. And today, at 5:15 p.m. when my children were fighting for the 17th time since they got home from school and I was about to lose it, instead I put one in the bath and I sent the other outside and now maybe all three of us will survive until Dad gets home.
Almost nine years later, it still works.
I can’t give you advice about sleep schedules or feedings or Montessori-approved toys. I don’t know what we’re gonna do about Tik Tok and Snapchat in a few years. But when they’re falling apart at the seams for no apparent reason, take them outside or put them in water.
Oh, and it works on grown-ups, too."

Beautifully📷+📝: By Jenn Batchelor https://www.instagram.com/jennbatchelor/?hl=en

When we birth, we don’t just birth babies.

We birth ourselves, we birth our families and we reshape our lives.

It’s so important to get good information on which to base pregnancy and birth decisions.

Because they can affect us for a very long time.

Perhaps the rest of your life.

It's also important to understand that it doesn't matter what the guideline says, or what anyone else thinks.

What matters is what's right for you.

You can also read lots more about birth-related decision making in my book: What's Right For Me? Making decisions in pregnancy and childbirth.

More details at www.sarawickham.com/me

💜

THE EMPTY NEST

My nest is as it should be now, empty.
Tidy, ordered, calm.
My babies have grown, beautifully, and flown.
Just the way I taught them to.
And my heart is full of pride, and love, still so full of love.
But oh there is an ache there, a throb, a pang.
I have given of myself in a way that only a mother can.
So consuming is that gift,
there is scarce room for much else to thrive.
So what now?
My empty nest feels hollow,
the echo of my own breath rings in my ears.
My worries have not flown with the fledglings,
they linger still,
but now without the comfort of a slumbering head on a pillow up-stairs.
My imagination tells the tales I don’t want to see,
and my spare time,
once so coveted,
is now my enemy.

My nest is as it should be now, empty.
But I will not be empty little one.
I will fly, just like you, find my new place in this story.
Play music, bring friends, make noise and laughter and fill the house with life,
so that when you come home, you see nothing to worry about here, for that will clip your beautiful little wings.

And you will remember how nurturing your nest once was.
And you will crave the feeling of it, just once in a while.

This nest will never close and nor will I let it lose its love.
Fly, my loves, fly.
And remember the way back home.

Donna Ashworth
From ‘LOVE’: https://amzn.eu/d/1ci8D1N

Art by The Art of Jennifer Yoswa

You are not a milk factory. As you feed, your child's heart rate slows, their attachment hormones spike, their microbiome is nourished and their brain falls into a deep, restorative calm, much like adult brains do during meditation.⁠
⁠
Suckling causes oxytocin release in both mother and child, promoting a felt sense of wellbeing, safety, love and contentment. ⁠
⁠
Oxytocin lowers blood pressure and stress reactivity in mothers. In infants, oxytocin increases resilience to stress and drives the formation of more oxytocin receptors in the amygdala (for healthy social behaviour and a lowered risk for anxiety). ⁠
⁠
Simultaneous oxytocin release, repeated over time, changes both mother and infant brains, in ways that underpin long term attachment and synchronicity. It literally rewires brains in favour of love and wellbeing.⁠
⁠
You are not a milk factory.⁠ You are a retreat, a safe space, a perfect tonic.⁠
⁠
You are laying the foundations of long term wellbeing with every feed. ⁠
⁠
You are a hero.⁠

⁠incredible words by

⁠

It was 4am.
I fed the baby, changed him, then spent an hour resettling him.
I got back to bed at 5.30am.
Getting back to sleep didn’t happen.
My husband was getting ready for work.
My toddler woke.
I fed her breakfast, changed her, and spent half an hour settling a tantrum.
Then I unloaded the dishwasher, made the beds and put a load of washing on.
I started reading her a book.
The baby woke.
I stopped reading, had to diffuse a tantrum while feeding the baby and forgot about eating my breakfast.
I fed him for nearly an hour.
I parented my toddler from afar while her emotions crashed into me.
I felt the brunt of them, but managed to regulate mine, somehow.
My baby fell asleep feeding, so I tried to put him in his cot.
My toddler followed me.
I closed the door, leaving her on the other side.
She made her presence known anyway.
That woke him.
We repeated the cycle in the baby’s bedroom.
“We” managed to get him down this time.
I carried my toddler to the living room, begging her to stay quiet.
I offered her morning tea.
She didn’t like what I made.
I read her 3 books.
She finally fell asleep.
It was noon.
I hung out the washing, got meat out for dinner, called my husband about something which seemed important.
And the baby woke.
And he was fussy.
So we paced the hallway. Over and over.
Then my toddler woke.
I tended to them both. Her at my knees demanding and him at my hip crying.
I fed them both somehow.
I then took them outside.
We sat under a tree.
We watched the leaves.
I explained the colours.
This is all that worked.
And I’d tried everything.
My husband came home.
Somehow it was 5pm.
How was it that late?
I cooked dinner.
He bathed them.
We ate dinner.
We consumed tears.
The baby fell asleep.
My husband attempted the toddler’s bedtime.
I dealt with the mess of the day.
The baby woke again.
It was 9pm.
I fed and resettled him.
Finally they were both asleep.
It was 10.30pm.
I still hadn’t showered.
Or hung the washing out.
Or eaten enough.
Or lots of things actually.
But I made it.
For the next few hours at least.
Maybe til tomorrow.
And tomorrow I’ll try again.
Because that’s what mothers do.

Words of Emma Heaphy
Art: Joolsannie Art

When was the last time you prioritised your mental wellbeing?
There are THREE ways to join us for support next week - book your free spot now.
Monday face to face in Inverurie: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/499026942017
Thursday Online: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/499035748357
Friday face to face in Aberdeen: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/499016500787

What happens at a LATNEM meeting?
At a face to face group, a volunteer will welcome you and make sure you get a cuppa and some cake. The seats are in a circle around baby mats on the floor, you can bring your children or come alone - plenty space for prams at all our venues. There are no awkward introductions or ice breakers (our meetings are very informal!) - you'll get a name badge when you come in so you don't have to remember or ask for each others names. The conversation is very natural - not structured, we talk about whatever YOU want to talk about! Sometimes that's what you're watching on Netflix, or your holiday plans, other times it's about lack of sleep, feeling depressed, intrusive thoughts, family dynamics, coping mechanisms, the support options available to you, how to relax or find time to yourself...it's also ok to come along and just listen to know you're not alone, there's never any pressure to share or talk. Our volunteers could talk for days, so don't worry about there being any uncomfortable silences. There are self-help books at the meeting which you can borrow for free, and some mindful colouring and crafts that you can take home and keep too.

Our online meetings are exactly the same...except you need to provide your own cuppa and you'll be sitting in the comfort of your own home - some even join the call from the car or out on a walk! There are usually wee ones in the background and a "You're on mute!" or two 🙂

All mothers and birthing parents who need some support with their mental health are so welcome to join us. There's nothing you can say that will shock us, every volunteer is a mother who has lived experience of mental ill health - we pick the most lovely, empathetic and understanding people to support our amazing service users. LATNEM is a judgement free, safe space, come along for a chat!

It’s all fun and games
And sexy breathing exercises for birth
And romantic plans about how he’ll take the baby while you do yoga every day

Until you’re 10 days postpartum
Still bleeding and soaked in breastmilk
Riding a roller coaster of hormones and sleep deprivation
And your lovely partner forgets to pick up a smoothie on his way home from the grocery store

And you lose your sh✨t
Like sobbing into the bathroom sink
Like cursing his mother
Like wondering why you ever procreated with someone capable of such unimaginable selfishness

And then, when the storm has passed, and you’ve had a snack- you realize
Two shaky, raw, sleep deprived humans
Trying to be life rafts for one another
While sinking into the depths of exhaustion and stress
Keeping the tiniest, most fragile, precious being afloat
Is hard AF

We weren’t meant to do this alone
We were not meant to be sent out to sea on a tiny little life boat with no map
Even the most loving, stable partnership can sink under the weight of operating in survival mode while finding your footing as parents

So, if you’re out there, treading water
Buried in laundry and breastmilk
Surviving on freezer pizza and three hours of sleep
Thinking mildly unkind thoughts about the person you chose to parent with
Because he can’t seem to calm the baby or remember your smoothies or grasp the depths of the earth shaking transition you’re navigating
You’re not alone
And it will get easier
One sleepy, shaky day at a time

Still my top post for 2021 (words taken from ‘All I See Is You’ book 📖)

………………………..

Mama,

I can’t see past you right now, I’m so small and everything’s a little blurry.

All I see is you.

When you feel alone, like the walls are closing in, remember I’m here too. I know your world has changed and the days feel a little lonely. But they aren’t lonely for me.

You are my everything.

When you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re making it look easy to me. Even though we’re still getting to know each other, you know me better than anyone.

I trust you.

When you think some nights you’ll never sleep again, you will. We both will. But I’m scared right now. I promise I’m not manipulating you. I just need your smell and comfort. Do you feel that tug in your heart when we’re apart? I do too.

I miss you.

When you feel as if you’ve achieved nothing, please know, my cup has never been so full.
The days that get away on you will be some of my best memories of us playing together on the ground.

I love you.

When you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, when you turn away from the mirror. That face will be the one I look to when I achieve something, the one I search for in a crowd. The reason for my first smile.

You’re perfect to me.

When you feel like the weight of it all is heavy in your heart, please know I’ve never felt lighter. Can I lay here with you a little longer?
I won’t always need you like this.

But I need you right now.

When you feel as if you have nothing left to give, when I see your hands outstretched at me, pleading. When we’re both crying. I wish I could talk, but I can’t.
If I could I would tell you,

There’s a reason I chose you.

I can’t see past you right now mama, because you are my world.
It will get bigger, soon enough.

But for now,
All I see is you.
.........................

Poetry books available here: www.jessicaurlichs.com/shop

Beautiful art: Art by Chloe Trayhurn

Today there was nothing
that I could do right.
Everything was a struggle.
It was fight after fight.

There was many a tear
And tantrums a plenty.
My energy tank
Was running on empty.

She wouldn’t sleep
and he wouldn’t eat.
By lunch I resigned
to admitting defeat.

Time for the tv
and cuddles galore.
Patience wearing thin and
I can’t take much more!

When right in that moment
As I needed it most.
You gazed up at me
And snuggled in close.

In that one precious moment
Of redeeming grace.
I found the solace I sought,
In the smile on your face.

So, when you start to question
If this you can endure.
You can and you will:
The cause will be the cure.

They don’t mean to push us
And make it so tough.
And they hold healing power
On the days the most rough.

So, please this do remember,
When you struggle to cope:
They’ll guide us through. Of this I’m sure.
Please never give up hope 🙏

Maria Tempany (Therhymingone)
Image by the wonderful Emma This Mama Doodles

Therhymingone

🌸💕🌸 For support in your gentle parenting journey, pick up a copy of our gorgeous spring issue - with beautiful FREE pregnancy journal - from supermarkets throughout NZ and newsagents throughout Australia! To find your local stockist, or to subscribe, visit https://linktr.ee/TheNaturalParentMagazine 🌸💕🌸

I’m going to tell you something.
Yesterday I felt like a good enough mum. 😱
In the last week of the summer holidays 🙌

All thanks to these bands on my wrist.

I follow Sarah Ockwell-Smith and I love her parenting tips which tend toward gentle and kind to everyone (I don’t like a lot of parenting advice which is judgmental and makes parents feel more guilt and shame) but I think she gets this right.

She has a strategy “Wear five red bands on your right wrist. Each time you overide your anger when responding to your child move a band to your left hand. Your goal is to have all five bands on your left wrist by the end of the day.”

Because it’s me I went extra and bought some pretty bands 🥰 and got my hands confused 🙈 but this technique really works for me.

I move one back if I do have a shouty mum moment (these happen) but by the end of the day I had tangible proof of the fact that I had responded with kindness and been the type of mum I want to be.

Confirmation bias is something we recently discussed on one of our sessions with the Perinatal Psychologist. I’m really guilty of it.

This happens when we give more weight to evidence that confirms our beliefs and undervalues evidence that could disprove it.

So when I have a shouty moment with the kids and feel terrible about it I then only notice the other narky shout bits of the day. I end the day thinking I’m a terrible shouty mum. I don’t see the moments when I was gentle and kind when I replay the day.

Confirmation bias effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues and for deeply entrenched beliefs.

The bands help me recognise that I have been, on the whole, kind and that feels wonderful.

She has other techniques that might work for you.

Trust me, you are a wonderful mum, your tendency towards confirmation bias might be lying to you too.

https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2018/04/25/how-to-not-lose-your-temper-as-a-parent/?fbclid=IwAR13eBQ5VS0TbSSrOcBkTAgls6x5dwv38o0buZ6O1JzTKKXLPRo-IJdql58

Can you help this research?

UBC’s Perinatal Anxiety Research lab is currently running a study on new mothers’ thoughts of infant-related harm.

The aim of the study is to improve care for mothers and new born babies by learning about more about and normalizing these kinds of thoughts and their relationship with mental health, parenting and infant safety.

Unwanted thoughts of infant-related harm are a normal but distressing experience for most, if not all, new mothers. The stigma of having these thoughts, and fears that they may act on their thoughts, may stop new mothers from talking about this with their healthcare providers and getting the help and support they need.

The contact details if you can help are on the poster.

Maternal mental health Share your experiences with MPs to inform a debate in Parliament.