Richard Young, Ph.D.

Another except from my forthcoming book, "You Can't Get There from Here." This dialogue is entitled, Down the Rabbit Hole.

Student: If the meditative traditions are right and the ego is an illusion, then how can we do anything about our suffering?

Teacher: We can’t.

Student: Are you sure? That just doesn’t seem right.

Teacher: Yes, I’m sure and no, it doesn’t seem right, but then the truth rarely does. Reality is always anathema to the ego-mind.

Student: Let me ask the question a different way. What happens when we accept that we have no power to do anything and no independent will with which to do it? How will anything ever get done?

Teacher: The real miracle is that anything gets done now! The ego-mind just gets in the way of effective functioning. Self-conscious awareness slows everything down and often mucks it up entirely.

Student: But if there is no ego, how could I even negotiate my way through the world? Don’t we need an ego to survive and thrive?

Teacher: Not at all. Before you became self-consciously aware, say between birth and two years old, did you have any trouble eating when you were hungry or sleeping when you were tired?

Student: Well, I guess not. My baby pictures would certainly indicate I had no trouble eating.

Teacher: So how was that being done? Who or what was eating and drinking, sleeping and defecating?

Student: I was.

Teacher: Wrong answer, but thanks for playing our game. “You,” as a self-aware, individual consciousness hadn’t been “born” yet, even though the body had been. Reflexive consciousness doesn’t come on-line in the human brain until about 18 to 24 months. So answer the question: who or what was operating in the world before “you” were around? Here’s a hint. It’s the same thing that is operating when “you” are in deep, dreamless sleep.

Student: I’m going to guess God.

Teacher: Good guess: God or Buddha-mind or Christ-consciousness or the All—whatever name you prefer. So your original question about whether or not we will sit around or go into a spiritual coma when we realized the ego is an illusion and has no power or volition reveals the very human assumption that the ego is really in control, that it is the hidden actor behind every action, and that nothing can or will happen without it.

Student: Isn’t that true?

Teacher: Of course not. The ego-mind is a pretender to the throne. The mind-body organism is a manifestation of the Divine. Consciousness is all that is and isn’t. The ego just takes credit and blame for the apparent actions of Buddha-mind.

Student: Apparent?

Teacher: Contrary to the doctrines of the monotheistic religions, God does not act. Buddha-mind is Unborn, Unchanging, and Unmoving. All manifestations and all actions in the cosmos are apparent rather than real, like a reflection in a mirror.

Student: Okay, now I’m really confused.

Teacher: Don’t worry about that for now, I was just messin’ with you.

Student: Really?

Teacher: No, not really, but let’s stay with the main point. That which manifests the body-mind is that which manifests the entire cosmos, and guides all behavior, thought, and expression within the cosmos. And thou art That. You are nothing more and nothing less than all of it—the Source and the entire manifestation. The ego has nothing to do with it. The ego-mind is just a unique development of the human brain, an epiphenomenon of the evolution of the cerebral cortex.

Student: I don’t think I’ll run right out and tell my pastor that I am God.

Teacher: That’s probably a good idea. Besides, “you” are not God. That would be quite a promotion for the ego, and would indeed be blasphemous. But remember, the ego doesn’t even exist as an entity. It would be more accurate, but still not quite true, to say that God is you.

Student: I don’t think I’ll tell my pastor that either. But what about this feeling I have that I am a discrete self, separate from other discrete selves? What is that?

Teacher: It’s an assumption that we take for granted without ever examining it. What we call our “self” is nothing more than a complex organization of self-reflective and self-referential thoughts that is interpreted to be an enduring entity. Upon closer inspection, this illusory sense of self simply disappears. All you have to do is ask the question, “Who am I,” and then listen to the resounding silence that answers back.

Student: So, if the ego is illusory, it can’t really act.

Teacher: Exactly, although we also unconsciously assume that this enduring “self” possesses personal prerogative and that it can then impose its will on the world. But the ego is not an entity and it controls nothing. It’s only function is to comment endlessly on everything that happens and then take credit (or blame) for it.

Student: I’m a very concrete thinker. Can you give me a specific example?

Teacher: Sure. Imagine a five-year-old prince in a kingdom sometime in the ancient past. And imagine this little boy constantly ordering his father’s servants here and there and demanding that they clean up his room and fetch his favorite toys or run his bath. Because everyone instantly does his bidding, the prince comes to think of himself as incredibly powerful. What he doesn’t understand is that his father’s servants obey him only because of their allegiance to the king. It is really the king’s power that impels them to do the young prince’s bidding, but the prince takes the credit for what his father provides. The same is true of the ego. It has no power of its own but takes full credit for what Consciousness or Buddha-mind provides.

Student: So, if the ego is such a problem, why don’t we all just go back to the way

Teacher: Because it doesn’t work. Ken Wilber calls it the “Pre-Trans Fallacy.” This is the idea that when you are trying to escape or outgrow the egoic or personal stage of development, that the best thing to do is to return to the prepersonal stage, before the ego-mind became fully developed. Some people mistake this prepersonal regression as going beyond ego, or transpersonal: hence, the “Pre-Trans Fallacy.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

Student: At least we were free of ego at the prepersonal stage.

Teacher: Yes, but we were also free of the tremendous wisdom that is born of experience. Regression to an earlier stage of development is never a spiritual advantage. The movement is forward from the egoic stage to a higher consciousness that is beyond the ego-mind, but still deeply informed by the experience of Christ-consciousness having mistaken Itself for a discrete and separate being.

Student: So what can I do to move on to the next stage of development?

Teacher: Not a damn thing.

Student: Are you messin’ with me again?

Teacher: Not at all. “You” can’t do anything, remember. Everything is simply being done. This includes the movement from the prepersonal to the personal to the transpersonal stages of development. Does a tree have to will itself to grow? Does a fetus have to guide itself carefully through the stages of prenatal development?

Student: No, but I’m not a tree and I haven’t been a fetus for more years than I care to remember.

Teacher: You’re also not an ego, and you couldn’t possibly guide your own spiritual unfolding. So don’t do anything. Let spirit run its course. Oh, and don’t try to do nothing either, since that’s just another way of doing something.

Student: Why does this have to be so complicated?

Teacher: It’s not complicated at all. In fact, it’s the simplest thing in the world. It’s only complicated when viewed through the lens of the ego-mind. Just remember that there’s nothing to do or not do. Everything is being done.

Student: I don’t think I can just sit around and wait for something to happen in my spiritual growth process.

Teacher: Trust me, there will be no sitting around and waiting, unless that is necessary to development at the moment. But if you must have the illusion of doing something, then do this: carefully watch life, both internally and externally. That will give “you” something to do and be the least disruptive to the process of spiritual development.

Student: I’m not sure I know what you mean.

Teacher: Simply watch how the mind reacts to various internal stimuli and external situations and how this creates either pleasure or pain. Be mindfully aware of how the ego-sense develops from moment to moment. And watch what is behind the ego illusion, behind all the thoughts that sustain the feeling of a separate self. Do this and you might be in for a big surprise.

Student: I don’t like surprises.

Teacher: You’ll like this one.

NOTES TO YOUNG THERAPISTS:

Over the years, interns have asked me to explain what it is that I do in psychotherapy with my clients. I tell them it is really pretty simple. First, I try to always bring the full power of Presence to each and every encounter. In other words, I enter into the Silence that is the Ground of our being and bring to bear the entire focus of my attention on the client. This requires a quiet mind: I don't allow my mind to wander, I don't try to figure out their "problem" as we talk, and I surely don't sit there trying to think what I'm going to say next. I try to become absorbed in the words of the client to such a degree that my awareness of myself as a separate entity disappears.

Second, I try to direct the client's attention inwards towards their own being through various means. When they are tempted to blame external circumstances for their feelings and problems or seek the answers to their suffering outside themselves, I try to gently remind them that the power to heal is within them. Life can certainly be painful at times, but suffering is created by the mind's refusal to accept pain. I also try to help them discover the stories or narratives that the mind constantly spins out that increases their suffering and fools them into identifying themselves as separate, contingent beings. As for those few who are willing to try, I teach them to meditate.

So, there it is; the two things that activate the healing relationship between therapist and client. (1) Pay attention and (3) both of you look inwards towards the Stillpoint within. Ahh, the GRACE and PEACE of it all.

ADVICE TO YOUNG THERAPISTS:

Presence is the key to everything in the therapeutic encounter; it is the key to everything in any encounter for that matter. Pay attention to every word and gesture as a thirsty man pays attention to water. Keep your mind silent and don't think of what you want to say next. Forget your treatment plan; allow your words and interventions to arise naturally in the moment of the encounter with the other. Listen intensely and dance with your client's energy. Your therapy will become a healing meditation for both of you.

NOTE TO YOUNG THERAPISTS:

Emerging from depression and despair is like breathing in hope. It infuses every cell of the body with light, love, and energy. It is this hope we must always hold out to our clients, even as we empathize deeply with their Dark Night of the Soul. Such hope is rendered even more powerful when we have been through a dark passage ourselves and finally returned to LOVE.

Psychotherapy and emotional growth are often quite painful. But medicine isn't supposed to taste good--that's what candy is for. Medicine is supposed to make you better.

Find a therapist who has taken the medicine themselves. Then stay with them, not just until you're better, but until you're well.

NOTE TO YOUNG THERAPISTS:

Our main task as therapists, in addition to listening deeply and caring authentically for our clients, is to somehow convince them to accept that the narrative we tell about their lives is more true and far more preferable than the story they have always carried around in their minds that causes so much pain.

In order to do this well, we must spend time exploring our own narratives and becoming intimately familiar with how the mind creates suffering.

Five months old and 50 pounds, but Baxter still thinks he's a lap dog.

It is interesting that only the woke realize there is nothing special about being awake. It is actually the end of specialness. You've always been home. Chop wood, carry water.

Our minds are imprisoned by nothing more substantial than stories.

Advice for the Young:

For a great and fulfilling life, don't set out to be rich and famous. Rather, set out to be kind and helpful, compassionate and forgiving.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been teaching people to replace bad stories with good stories for the past 30 years. While this may lead to a happier and healthier life, it will NEVER lead to awakening. Once you have healed your pain sufficiently through CBT or other means, begin searching for the storyteller. Diligently. Day and night. In every circumstance. And keep searching until the searching drops away of itself. That's all. Then simply live life as it naturally unfolds.

Psychotherapy and emotional growth are often quite painful. But medicine isn't supposed to taste good--that's what candy is for. Medicine is supposed to make you better.

Find a therapist who has taken the medicine themselves. Then stay with them, not just until you're better, but until you're well. You'll be glad you did.

There are many ways to describe psychological adjustment. Indeed, I have a library of books on the subject. But let me see if I can summarize what I believe to be six main essentials of a well adjusted and psychologically healthy person:

1. Authenticity: the ability to say what you mean and mean what you say. Also, being willing to share yourself and your life with others in an open, honest, and vulnerable way.

2. Adaptability: this is the ability to adjust spontaneously to an ever changing reality rather than getting frozen in a conditioned set of responses and beliefs. Responding to present circumstances skillfully and creatively.

3. Present centeredness/mindfulness: focusing on and attending to the present moment. Not allowing ourselves to be constantly hijacked by our memories of the past or our hopes for the future. This is a matter of balance, of course. Thoughts of the past and future can be helpful as long as they don't become obsessive and interfere with our focus on the moment.

4. Rationality: the ability to reason using logic and dispassionate analysis. A psychologically healthy person knows the difference between logic and emotion and is able to balance and integrate both in making decisions and taking positions. They also remain open to new facts and ideas and our willing to change their opinions when this new data is compelling.

5. Moral relativism: there are very few absolute truths in life. A psychologically mature person is not afraid to occasionally break the rules, to put the needs of people above institutional, societal, or even religious needs or requirements.

6. Lovingkindness: although I have listed this last, it is by no means least important. This is the ability to lead with love, to greet all beings with kindness and empathy and to be willing to occasionally put their needs above our own. Lovingkindness should not be confused with softness or enabling. Sometimes we must directly and even forcefully confront others and their behavior in order to love them best. And at the end of the day, the psychologically healthy person realizes that we are all brothers and sisters, children of the same Divine Source.

One of the most important cognitive skills a person can develop is the ability to ignore or dismiss a particular thought or stream of thoughts. Let's be honest, a lot of crazy stuff parades through our noggins every day. Freud gave this essential skill a variety of names such as denial, suppression, repression, and dissociation, all of them negatively connoted. In other words, he thought these defenses led to neurosis. As a therapist, I find myself encouraging the refinement of this ability to ignore or dismiss thoughts in my clients.

I had to earn a Ph.D. in Psychology, obtain 3,000 hours of supervised clinical experience under the guidance of a seasoned professional and pass a rigorous state board exam before I could start dispensing advice to those suffering from serious psychological problems or emotional issues. Now all you need is to believe you are spiritually enlightened and have a Facebook account. Wish I had known. I could have saved a ton of time and money. Namaste, bro. 😂

ADVICE FOR WOMEN:

Stop trying to change him. He is not your project. Respect and love him for who he is in this moment and you release in him the power of change. Don't love an image of the man you want, love the man you have.

Life can only be lived in this moment. All this talk about past and future is a fantasy and only gives rise to depression and anxiety. There is no continuum of time, except in human imagination. There is only one vast and eternal NOW. Everything that is happening in the universe is happening simultaneously. The reason events appear to be sequential is that we have only a partial perspective, like looking at a skyscraper through a nail hole in the fence. Focus on this moment and and you will become aware of the whole panorama of Being and your oneness with it.

To see and accept that I am the author of my own projections is not some lofty psychological ideal and is not that difficult to do. It is very realistic and concrete as well as practical. Each time I feel a negative feeling towards some person or situation, it is simply a signal to look inward. Not difficult at all once we give up the notion that "others" are responsible for what we feel.

Diagnostic categories in mental health are metaphors. They are not real. They are simply stories. Our clients cannot be reduced to a set of diagnostic criteria from the DSM-5 when we are treating them. Labels can be helpful, especially when working with a treatment team and for insurance reimbursement, but when taken too literally or too seriously they can be demeaning to our clients. We don't treat diagnoses. We treat people in pain.

Richard Young, Ph.D. updated their website address.

Richard Young, Ph.D. updated their phone number.

We like to think that we are prepared and in control, but life is always there to teach us that we're really just winging it. It's a hard lesson to learn. Accept it and fly free.

I am a therapist and child custody evaluator for the simple reason that we are all broken. We are all deeply confused at times and in pain. All of us, including me. I am a therapist and evaluator because we all suffer and we deserve love and healing and companions in our distress. We each deserve and need gentle reassurance of our divine Oneness and perfect imperfection, to be reminded that we are brothers and sisters, children of the same Loving Source. And so I stand here among my brethern, fully present, and completely grateful for this life I am blessed to live.

Parental alienation is real. To all separated and divorced parents: Your children need a thousand kisses a day and they can never have too many loving adults in their lives. They should never be forced to choose.
www.pathwaysfamilycourtservices.com

Pathways Family Court Services Pathways Family Court Services

I love my work. I have been a psychotherapist and child custody evaluator in private practice for the past *mumble-mumble* years and I genuinely love what I do. I actually look forward to Mondays.

I haven't always loved it though. I used to dread the long hours, the late night emergencies, and the emotional drain of the work when I was younger. But there came a time when I DECIDED to love it. I let go of any dreams I still had of being a professional baseball player or a lawyer or a bestselling author and focused intensely on what I was doing in the moment. I slowly began to see what I do as an honor and a privilege and I found myself cherishing it.

Oh, there are still plenty of long hours and client emergencies and I still get emotionally drained at times. I just don't mind it anymore. In fact, I see it all as part of the gift of mindful awareness.

I love my work.

Advice to young therapists: Psychotherapy is more art than science, more presence than platitudes, and more passion than precision. Open your heart, remain present and responsive to the moment, and trust your intuition. That is when true healing can occur through your relationship with the client. But whatever you do, don't plan ahead, don't think too much, and don't take diagnosis seriously.

Knowing a person's correct diagnosis never cured anyone. It only reduces them to a dehumanizing label that is useful for insurance reimbursement purposes--and nothing else. Your client is a person in pain. That is all you need to know. Oh, and forget most everything else they taught you in graduate school and find a good supervisor--preferably one who meditates.