Geoff Steurer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

When you’re in shock, it’s important to avoid making any final conclusions about your partner, about yourself or about your relationship.

If you've received new information that requires some reworking of the narrative, don’t write the final chapter based on your insecurities and fears. You can let your partner know how hurtful it is to learn new information and move forward in your healing.

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💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-our-kids-don-t-connect-with-my-wife

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

I hate arguing with my wife, but you know what I hate even more than that?

I hate it when she doesn't get where I'm coming from.

In fact, this is what drives most arguments in my marriage and in all relationships.

It's so painful to be misunderstood, ignored, judged, or rejected by our partner. It's rough to have others treat us this way, but when OUR person isn't really getting us, oof, that really hurts.

That moment when I finally feel seen and understood is such sweet relief. And, I love it when I finally see where she's coming from.

It takes work to really get out of our own way and truly see our partner.

It's the work of marriage.

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148675692

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-our-kids-don-t-connect-with-my-wife

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

In my weekly relationship column, a husband feels stuck playing referee between his wife and kids, sharing that his wife isn't very nurturing and is quite critical, giving his children a similar experience as he feels in his marriage. Here's an excerpt:

"I recommend you ask your wife how she suggests you talk with the kids about their experiences with her. My guess is that she has no idea they’re feeling this way. She deserves a chance to repair things with them.

It’s also important for you to pull yourself out of the middle so you don’t bring your marriage drama into their relationship with their mom. You are hurting in your marriage and when your kids express the same feelings you’re having of not being respected or understood, it’s tempting to get sucked into your helplessness about the situation. This does more damage by creating an alliance with you against her...
..If you keep hitting a dead end trying to get support from her regarding the kid’s emotions, it’s a good idea to seek out some marriage counseling to help work out the challenge of not being heard in the relationship. While there’s nothing wrong with you being the more nurturing parent, recognize there are factions forming inside the family, which ultimately set everyone up for long-term strife."

💬 Read the rest of https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-our-kids-don-t-connect-with-my-wife

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💍Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

Trust is key to a functioning relationship. It requires work to earn and build and continuously grow.

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148673876

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-my-ex-husband-is-playing-games-with-his-visitation

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

That’s like somebody saying, "My life is good because at least I’m not in prison".

Sometimes low-conflict couples feel distant and lonely because they don't share what they need out of fear of conflict.

I'm all for decreasing conflict in marriage. It can be exhausting and difficult to work through tough issues, but conflict can also produce incredible closeness.

Instead of using the frequency of conflict as the only measure of your relationship health, see if you can ask yourselves these questions:

🔸What do you need to ask for that you've been avoiding?

🔸Do you wish your partner knew what was on your mind or in your heart?

🔸What are you willing to do so you can create a deeper connection?

🔸What would help you feel more comfortable approaching your partner with your needs?

If conflict scares you, you're quite normal. Most of us don't want to risk losing the people that are important to us. When you're ready to bring up your needs, you can let your partner know you don't want to lose the connection with them while telling them what you need.

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148673876

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-my-ex-husband-is-playing-games-with-his-visitation

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

In my weekly relationship column, a divorced mother is frustrated that her ex-husband is inconsiderate of her time and money when her kids don't come home with all of their belongings, and he is only flexible when it benefits him. Here's an excerpt:

"Think about what he may be getting out of these behaviors. Does he get a reaction out of you that he likes? Does engaging you do something for him? The best way to end a tug-of-war is to drop the rope instead of pulling harder. You don’t need to engage with him to make him stop.

You can spend lots of energy and money taking him back to court to tighten up the rules about visitation. I think it’s safe to say that he’ll find new ways to annoy you if that’s his goal. Instead, focus on your responses so you’re not becoming someone you don’t like."

💬 Read the rest of https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-my-ex-husband-is-playing-games-with-his-visitation

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🎙️Listen to the latest From Crisis to Connection podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148661908

💍Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

Did you know that your struggles actually add depth to your life?

We live in a culture obsessed with positivity at the expense of the struggle. I'm all for the feel-good emotions, but I also know they don't feel as good if I'm not allowing myself to feel the tough emotions as well.

See if you can allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions and notice how much more sensitive you are to yourself and others.

What have your struggles taught you?

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148661908

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-my-daughter-keeps-sneaking-inappropriate-books

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

The world needs sensitive people who feel deeply....AND...we also need others who are more matter-of-fact and help keep things in check. I believe the healthiest people hold and honor both realities of feeling our emotions with a sense of responsibility to those around us along with being direct.

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148661908

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-my-daughter-keeps-sneaking-inappropriate-books

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

If you want a secure relationship, then you can’t do all of the work. Marriage vows are a two-way agreement.

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💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-my-daughter-keeps-sneaking-inappropriate-books

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

In my weekly relationship column, a mother is concerned that her 14-year old daughter continues to read inappropriate s*xual adult books despite her warnings against them. Here's an excerpt:

"Your daughter clearly finds these books engaging and interesting. They may do something for her and it’s your job as her mother to help her make sense of the experience she’s having while at the same time working to enforce standards to protect her and your other children. That she told you there was swearing in the books may simply be that she was uncomfortable talking with you about the more serious and disturbing subjects covered in the book.

Sit down with her and acknowledge that you’ve read over the books. Let her know that you see how much she wants to read these books and that you want to understand more about what draws her to them. This isn’t an interrogation. It’s a way to understand the emotional world of your daughter.

It may be that she is seeking out things that are s*xually explicit, or things that are taboo in your home, because she is not getting answers with candor from a safe resource, she may be embarrassed to talk about these things with you. Often teenagers see their parents as beings from another planet who can’t possibly understand the world around them. She may be observing friends who seem to be maturing faster than she is, she may see her “first kiss” on the horizon and be anxious about it, she may have friends that are weight conscious finding their own remedy in bulimia. The point is, these can be very real concerns to a 14-year-old girl and it presents you with a great opportunity to open the door to some real nuts and bolts conversations that can help her navigate “teenagerdom.” If you can demystify the subjects rather than just place them off limits, the secret discoveries she is coming across in the pages of a book will lose their power."

💬 Read the rest of https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-my-daughter-keeps-sneaking-inappropriate-books

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💍Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

All of us need to know we have the freedom to share our private thoughts and feelings with others when we’re ready. This applies to marriages, parenting, families and friendships.

Privacy isn't the same as secrecy. Secrecy is refusing to share information that others NEED to know (such as a spouse, parent, etc). Secrecy is toxic to close relationships because it’s controlling the other person's reality when they actually have a right to know.

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💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-how-do-i-prevent-my-kids-from-becoming-addicts

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

In my weekly relationship column, a father is looking for advice to help prevent his 3 young sons from developing addictions similar to his. Here's an excerpt:

"When considering addiction prevention, it’s important to recognize what purpose addictions serve in people’s lives. Addictions are counterfeit attachments that help us regulate our bodies, emotions, and relationships. They target the regulatory systems in our brains and bodies to numb, enhance, or diminish reality. In my experience, individuals who struggle with addictions aren’t lacking willpower, but are mismanaging their ability to regulate their emotions, relationships, and thoughts...
..Even though we all require some degree of co-regulation from others, healthy adults know how to manage the balance of self-regulation and co-regulation. However, managing emotions, physical bodies, thoughts, and relationships isn’t always easy and counterfeits can show up and lure us into harmful patterns of unhealthy dependency on behaviors, substances, and relationships. These counterfeits show up as food, drugs, screens, s*x, money, perfectionism, work, and so on."

💬 Read the rest of https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-how-do-i-prevent-my-kids-from-becoming-addicts

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💍Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

I realize that it’s not easy to measure our efforts as parents. There are too many factors that influence the lives of our children to consider ourselves success or failures. Instead, I prefer to position myself as a lifelong guide that will be there for my children instead of framing their lives as a win or a loss.

Our children are more likely to turn to us as we make ourselves available to support them rather than evaluate their lives. None of our lives are finished as long as we’re willing to continue learning.

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148633420

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-how-do-i-have-a-good-marriage-when-my-husband-has-asperger-s-syndrome

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

In my weekly relationship column, a wife is searching for an emotional connection with her husband who is on the Autism Spectrum. Here's an excerpt:

"Healthy friendships and marriages are based on the principle of reciprocity. Most neurotypical (NT) people quickly pick up on the rules of reciprocity in childhood by noticing body language, speech patterns, and observing social rules in action. However, individuals on the autistic spectrum (AS) have diminished (or non-existent, in some cases) reflexes to pick up on these subtle cues. It’s maddening for many NT spouses to experience a lack of reciprocity with their AS partner. Without reciprocity, it’s difficult to feel connection, trust, and reassurance that the other person cares about you...
..Instead of only prompting him to connect with you through specific requests, see if you talk with him about your need for reciprocity in the relationship. This is less about memorizing specific needs, but instead, addressing the larger need of having a caring relationship. If he can care about responding back to you, even if it’s limited and even mechanical, can this signal to you that he’s emotionally committed to you?
..And, please remember, as Dr. Stephen Shore once said, “If you’ve met one person with Asperger’s, you’ve met one person with Asperger’s.” Even though there are traits common to most individuals on the autistic spectrum, it’s important to spend your energy understanding your husband’s unique needs instead of generalizing."

💬 Read the rest of https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-how-do-i-have-a-good-marriage-when-my-husband-has-asperger-s-syndrome

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💍Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

Pay attention to the feelings you have when you feel the need to assist. Is it coming from fear, guilt or resentment? Or is it coming from a place of peace and compassion? Do everything you can to follow the peace. Please remember that we can love someone and still not do everything for them.

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148614750

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-how-do-i-repair-my-relationship-with-my-daughter

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

Just because you experience consequences in your life doesn't mean you're being accountable.

True accountability is the humility to take ownership of your behavior and the impact it has on yourself and others.

I'll say it again... consequences ≠ ownership

Consequences can lead us to take ownership and develop the necessary humility to make necessary changes and rebuild trust.

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148614750

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-how-do-i-repair-my-relationship-with-my-daughter

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp

Some people believe that the healthiest people don't need other people.

It's not true.

We are hardwired to need other people and we never outgrow it.

And, because of this reflex, sometimes it's challenging to get the balance right with meeting each other's needs.

It's possible to find the right balance after a lot of trial and error. It's really the only way.

So, if you've enabled, it's okay to pull back.

If you've been avoidant or distance, it's okay to lean in.

It's a constantly evolving dance that can't just be set and forgotten.

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🎙️Listen to the latest “From Crisis to Connection” podcast episode https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer/episodes/2148614750

💬 Read the latest https://www.geoffsteurer.com/blog/q-a-with-geoff-how-do-i-repair-my-relationship-with-my-daughter

💍 Download my free 3 Simple Steps to End Your Marriage Argument PDF https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

♥️ You can rebuild broken trust with my Trust Building Bootcamp https://www.geoffsteurer.com/trust-building-bootcamp